I walked into the hospital, a little bit of anxiety setting in as soon as I stepped inside. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to see her like the way she was. But I had to see her. I had to know that she was still alive.
I had to know that she could still wake up.
I went over to the receptionist desk, and the guy working there looked up at me. "How can I help you today, sir?" he asked.
"I would like to visit someone," I said. "It's my Mom. She's in room 472."
"Ah, welcome back, Mr. Ward," he said, and he typed some things into the computer. "You know the way there, right?"
"Yes sir," I said. "Fourth floor, down the hall, turn right, and then she's the last door on the left."
"Good, good," he said. "And hey. Remember that visiting hours end around 8. We don't want to kick you out again, but we will if we have to."
I nodded. "Okay," I said. "Thanks."
He nodded back. "Have a nice day, Mr. Ward," he said, and I turned and walked over to the elevator, pressing the button for it. A nice day? I thought to myself. I don't think I'll ever really have one again for a while. The doors opened, and I walked inside, selecting the fourth floor. The doors closed behind me, and I leaned back against the wall, looking up at the lights above me. They weren't really good quality lights. They flickered every few seconds, and the elevator itself was loud and rattling. They needed to fix these elevators or else somebody would end up dying.
The elevator dinged, and the doors opened, showing that I was on the fourth floor. I remembered the way there even though it had only been a few days. "Down the hall," I muttered, walking. "Turn right. Last door on the left." I reached the door, put my hand on the doorknob, and tried to open it. But my hand didn't move. I didn't know why. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I didn't want to see her, lying there, not moving at all. Maybe I was angry, angry at myself for not noticing anything and for my Mom not telling me anything about it. Maybe…maybe I thought that she was already dead.
I shook my head. I'm going to open this door if it kills me, I thought to myself, and I forced my hand to turn the doorknob and open the door, and I stepped inside.
And there she was. Lying there, not moving at all. An IV drip was in her arm, and the packet that it was attached to was dripping steadily and slowly. A mask over her face. Every inhale that she had, life-giving oxygen went into her lungs. Her face…peaceful. Too peaceful. I wanted to cry. The heart monitor was beeping steadily, showing that her heartbeat was still going, still stable. The beeps filled the silence that was there. The air felt heavy, and with every second that passed, the air seemed to be getting even heavier, weighing down on my shoulders.
I walked over to her slowly and sat down in one of the chairs. I put my head into my hands. I didn't know what to say or do. After meeting Hailey…I thought I was better, I thought…I thought that I could do this without any other feelings. But the feelings were back again. And they seemed to be hitting me even harder than before.
I looked up at her, and I could see that her chest was rising and falling, slow yet steady. I reached over and held her hand, which was out over the blanket. "Hey, Mom," I said, my voice still steady. I laughed a little bit. "I've been seeing you for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being annoying. But everyday, I come here with the hope that you will wake up, that everything will be okay. That you'll…" I breathed in deeply, already feeling my breath starting to shake. "That you'll wake up and tell me that you're sorry…sorry that you didn't tell me about your condition." Tears began to fall down my eyes. "Please…please, Mom, wake up. Wake up." My voice began to break and shake as I continued talking. "Please, I can't do this without you, I can't…I can't live without you. Please wake up! Please!" Finally, something snapped within me, and I started to sob, crying over my mom's body, still unmoving. I don't know how long I was there, just sobbing and crying, but eventually, I fell asleep, tears still falling down my cheeks.
I woke up to someone shaking me awake. My eyes felt puffy, and I didn't know how long I had been laying there, sleeping. I heard a soft voice, a very soft voice say, "C-Chris?
I looked up, and there was Ashley. She was looking at me worriedly, and she asked, "Are…are you okay?"
I laughed quietly. "Yeah," I said, my voice very hoarse. "Yeah, I'm okay."
She looked like she wanted to say something else, but she didn't say anything. I went on. "My mom is in the hospital. I probably won't be able to go to school next year because she was the one who was paying for my tuition. It's very possible that she will die. And I…" I laughed, my laughter a little bit insane. "I don't know what I'm going to do after she's gone!" Tears fell down my eyes, yet I wasn't feeling sad. "She…she lied to me. She didn't say she was sick, she didn't say that she had this condition. Every day that I would talk to her and ask about her, she would say that she was fine. And like a fucking idiot, I believed her! And now…" I stopped, my smile going away. "And now…I don't have anyone to talk to."
Ashley kneeled down beside me, and she looked into my eyes. "You can talk to me, Chris," she said, her eyes still full of worry, but now there was a firmness in her eyes…as if she was ready to stay with me forever.
I laughed quietly. "How do I know you won't leave me?" I asked her, looking at her.
She didn't say anything, but her eyes told me all of the answers that I needed. I leaned my head back against the wall, defeated. "You know…I was wondering where you were. How…how did you find me? Where…where even were you?"
She looked at me, a little bit of doubt in her eyes. "Chris…" she said slowly. "I was in class with you, remember?"
I shook my head. "I don't remember seeing you there. Or maybe you were, and I was just too zoned out to realize you were there."
The worried look on her face grew even more. "Oh, Chris," she said, and she gave me a hug. I didn't move. My arms remained at my sides, and the tears kept flowing down my cheeks. I don't know how long we were there, but then the nurse from the desk knocked on the door. "Sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours end in about ten minutes," he said. "Mr. Ward, please don't make us kick you out again."
Ashley looked at me. "They…they've kicked you out? How long have you-?"
"A while," I said, my mouth moving before I even realized it. "It's been about four days…maybe more?"
The nurse looked at me. "Mr. Ward, it's been a week since your mother was admitted into the hospital, and you've visited her every single day. The amount of time that you've spent has varied, but there have been a few days where you have stayed for the entire day."
Ashley looked at me, then back at my mother, and then back at me again. "Follow me, Chris," she said, and she took my hand and stood me up. I stood up, and I immediately felt dizzy, and I leaned against the door of the room. "Ch-Chris?" Ashley said, her voice sounding hazy and far away. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah," I said, my voice taking a while to reach my ears. There seemed to be a ringing in my ears, making it hard to hear everything. I started to walk a little bit, out of the room. "I'm…I'm fi-" I stumbled and fell, the hallway spinning in my vision. "Chris!" Ashley cried, her voice seeming even farther away and muffled. My head hit the ground, and that was the last thing I remembered.
I found myself in a dream, standing, the surroundings around me fuzzy and undistinguishable. I walked around, trying to see if I could find something that could help me figure out where I was. As I walked, my surroundings began to solidify themselves, and I found myself walking in a graveyard, looking at the tombstones around me. I kept walking and stopped when I saw somebody in the graveyard.
I walked closer to that person, and to my shock, it was me. I was dreaming about myself. He (I'm going to refer to my dream self as "he," because that will be a lot easier than just referring to the both of us as me.) was kneeling in front of a tombstone, in a suit that was all ruffled and dirty. His hair looked like it hadn't been washed or cut in months, and as I looked at him, there were tear marks on his cheeks. I couldn't see his face, so I couldn't tell what his eyes looked like. Am I going to become like that? I thought to myself. Is it…?
Before the thought had even finished, I heard him say, "Yes, it is."
I blinked, and he was standing in front of me, making me step back a little bit. I was able to take in what he looked like fully now. He was wearing a suit, the one that mom had gotten for me for any special occasion that required formal attire. The shirt, once white, was now very much dirty and worn out, and the top few buttons were removed. The tie around his neck was loosened and looking really scuffed up. The jacket, even though it was black, seemed to be covered in a layer of dust and was very much scuffed and worn out. His pants, especially the area around his knees, were dirty from when he was kneeling. His shoes…somehow, they were still looking alright, but they were starting to get worn out, and I could see the start of holes forming in them. His face looked dirty, the only clean parts that I could see were the parts where his tears had traced their way down his cheeks. His eyes were red and puffy, yet somehow they were devoid of emotion. "She died," he said, his voice also devoid of emotions. "On December 3rd, 2021, she flatlined at 11:27 p.m., and the doctor's weren't able to revive her. I couldn't save her."
"How long have you been here?" I asked, the words popping out of my mouth before I even realized it.
"I don't know," he said, and his voice sounded weak, hoarse, as if he hadn't eaten anything for a while. I wondered where Ashley and Dick were. "Maybe it's been days…weeks…I can't remember. Everyday, I would visit her grave, staying there for hours upon time. I…" His eyes filled with tears. "I miss her so much."
"Where are Dick and Ashley?" I asked him. Surely they would have tried to get him out of this situation.
"Here they come right now," he said, and he pointed, and I turned and saw the two of them coming towards him, both of them looking concerned and in normal clothing. They stopped in front of him, and he turned to face them.
"You have to stop, Chris," Dick said, his voice pained. "You can't just stay here for days upon days, only coming home to maybe shower and eat something."
"Why?" he said, his voice once again dead and lacking emotion. He wiped the tears from his eyes. "What else is there for me to do?"
"Go to school?" Dick said, exasperation in his voice. "Learn? Then go to college and get a job? Move on?!"
"I can't move on!!" he said all of a sudden, and this caught the two of them off guard. "How would you feel if the one parental figure that you had died in front of you?"
"And I'm telling you that it has happened to me, too," Dick said, and it seemed like his eyes were saying, There he goes again. "I've told you that I've had the same thing happen to me, but you won't listen to me. At this point, you're just wallowing in your own self pity and depression."
"So what?" he said, and I looked back at him again. "Is that all you have to say?"
Dick looked at him for a minute, then he shrugged and said, "Fine. I give up." He started walking away, but he turned back for a second and said, "I still care about you, Chris. This is why it hurts to see youike this." He kept walking, but Ashley stayed. She looked at him with pain in her eyes and said, "Chris, please…come back. I…I miss you."
For a moment, I saw in his eyes that he was thinking about it. There seemed to be embers of…something in his eyes, something that almost made him listen, but his eyes clouded over again and he said, "I'm sorry. I…I can't."
She looked pained, and she said, "Please, Chris. It…it hurts me to see you like this. I…" It broke me to hear her speaking like this. It hurt me so much. "I…I love you, and it really hurts me to see you like this."
"I'm sorry* Ashley," he said, and I couldn't help but want to punch him in the face. "I…I need some more time."
It looked like Ashley wanted to say something else, but she stopped herself. She nodded, a small and silent nod, and she turned and followed Dick, walking quietly and seemingly defeated. She looked back every once in a while, but she ultimately just left.
I looked back at him, and I realized that for the past few days, I had been acting like him, and that made me feel ashamed of myself. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to just wallow in my sadness, in my self-pity, in my self isolation. I wanted…I wanted to be different, I wanted to change. I wanted to be the person who would stay with his friends no matter what would happen. I wanted to be the one who would work as hard as he could to try and save his mother. I didn't want to be the one to push my friends away.
I put my hand on his shoulder, and I smiled at him. "Don't worry," I said, my voice firm and comforting. "I will save her. I'll make sure that we don't have to go through this at all." Then I pulled him into a hug. He started to cry, and the weight on his shoulders seemed to be lifted off of him, the tension in his shoulders seemed to be released. "Thank you," he said through his tears. "Thank you."
He began to dissolve, turning into particles of light that went up into the air. I followed them with my eyes, tears in them. I looked down at my Mom's grave. "I won't let you die, Mom," I said, my voice a little bit shaky but steady. "I promise."
I bolted awake, breathing heavily. Then I winced from the pain in my head. I put a hand up to it, and I rubbed it. There was ringing in my ears, and I felt groggy, sluggish. I looked around, only to realize that I was inside of my house. I tried to stand up, but that's when I felt something on my body. I looked down at myself, and there was Ashley, her head in her arms on my legs, asleep. Even after everything that I had done, the steady rise and fall of her back was still the same, undisturbed. There was also a bandage wrapped around her head, in the same place where I was feeling pain. The nurse was also there, and he looked at me. "Finally awake, huh?" he said, his voice quiet so as to not wake Ashley. He stood up. "Let me check on you."
I nodded slowly, my head still hurting. He walked over to me, and he shined a light into my eyes. I squinted, the light bright and intrusive. He then led me through some basic tests, and when they were over, he said, "Well…you got really lucky, Mr. Ward. Normally when you have a concussion, you wouldn't be this cognitive or responsive. Still, you had a concussion. Try not to make a habit out of it, okay?"
I looked down at Ashley, and there was also a nasty bruise on her forehead. "Is she-?" I asked, my voice also quiet, too.
"Yes, she's fine," he said, looking at her. "I've seen a lot of weird things while working as a nurse, but this has to be an all time high." He turned his attention back to me, and there were questions in his eyes. "Care to explain why you and Miss Hendrickson have the exact same bruise?"
I tried to explain as best as possible to him, Ashley still asleep. After I was finished, he seemed to be deep in thought. "Have you told her about this yet?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I'm not really sure how to bring this up."
He looked at me. "So…if you two are soulmates, then does that mean that you're also destined to fall in love with each other?"
I shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I think that it's a rare case for soulmates to fall in love with each other. From what I've researched, most soulmate relationships are mainly platonic, never romantic."
He looked at Ashley, then back up to me. "Well, Mr. Ward, I think that you two are destined to end up together. The fact that she came to you while you're at your lowest right now, carried you to your car after you fell unconscious, and even cared for you as best as you could shows me that she really cares about you. Same thing with you for her. Miss Henderson told me a little bit about you that I haven't heard before. It seems that you really care for her, too. You may not see it yet, but eventually, you will. Trust me."
I looked at Ashley, and I rubbed the top of her head a little bit, watching her smile in her sleep. "Okay," I said. "I will."
He stood up, and he stretched a little bit. "Well…I must be going. I think my break has gone on long enough." He started to walk away.
"Wait!" I said. He turned back around and faced me. "Thank you, sir," I said. "Thank you so much. Also…where's my car?"
He looked at me. "Well…it's in your driveway. I drove your car here, because I do have a driver's license. Unfortunately for me, my car is still at the hospital, so I need to take the bus back."
"Can I…can I drive you back?" I asked, feeling kind of bad. "It just…feels weird for you doing a lot to help me but me not being able to help you."
He gave me a small smile. "I'll be okay, thank you. Besides…it would be a very bad idea for you to drive right after a concussion." He muttered something else to himself, but I wasn't able to catch what he was saying.
I slowly nodded, still not really liking the fact that I couldn't help him, and I watched him leave. I looked back at Ashley again, and I couldn't help but just think about how strong she was. I couldn't help but have a smile on my face as I looked at her. But all of a sudden, she started to shake, as if she were having a nightmare, and she was saying something. "No…no….no…." she said, her voice low and steady. Then suddenly, she began screaming. "No, please!!! Don't take him from me!!!! You won't take him from me!!!" She started to thrash, and I had to get my legs out from under her so that way I could help her, hold her, try to stop her from having her nightmare. "Hey, it's okay, it's okay," I said, putting my arms around her and holding her shaking body. The pain in my head was still there, making it really hard for me to focus, but I kept my arms wrapped around her, because I had to help her, to comfort her. To let her know that I was there. "It's okay…I'm here. It's okay." I kept repeating those words over and over again, and eventually, she stopped shaking, and she was calm again, quiet again. The front of my shirt was kind of wet, though, and I realized that she had been crying. She was still crying, actually, and I made sure to hold her even tighter.
"Who hurt you?" I muttered to myself, still holding her. "And who were you talking to?"