Lately, Anurag has been furious about me hanging out with a few friends. But they were the only friends I had there, why would I not be with them? And why would I stay alone? That's what I have been doing since I was a little kid, I had no friends back then. Anurag knew this, he knew everything, even the tiniest details. He even knew all of my friends, he was the one with whom I would discuss everything at the end of the day. But sadly, I did not know the name of any of his friends he would hang out with, daily. Of course, I would not force him to tell me, he had his freedom, but so did I. Then why would he want me to stay alone even today? I don't understand, I don't want to understand I just need someone to stay by me. I don't want to be alone anymore.
We started having conflicts over this. He would lecture me about the importance of transparency in a relationship. If I was not transparent, what else was I?
We discussed this, and I thought let me just know him the way he knows me, so I stopped talking and started listening. I asked everything about him, his family, his childhood, and everything about him. Because as much I hate to admit it, but it is true that even though it had been 5 years, I still did not know him well, he was still a stranger I was in love with.
But a year later since that day, trust me when I say this, you cannot love a person until you know them well. But once you do, you cannot unlove them after knowing all their darkness, you will want to, your soul will scream at you to not touch that darkness but your heart will always crave that one person. Someone quoted right, "Even those we love the most turn to be a poison to our soul."
Do you wish to know why I am saying this? Because I slowly got to know the real him.
It started with getting to know him.
I usually used to travel alone and it was one such travel, it was a summer, and I was caught up with my thoughts, listing the things I would want to know about him. The journey was all night long. Just then, Anurag called.
One thing about loving someone, no matter how toxic it gets, it still is love.
"Still awake?" I smiled as I spoke.
We spoke about a few things, just telling each other about our day. But conversations get deeper at night, your thoughts come out uncensored and you speak your heart when your mind is tired.
"How many people have you dated before?" I blurted out randomly.
"Megha, we do not have to talk about this." He tried to keep me from the subject.
"It's okay Anurag, you can tell me."
"Four"
My heart shattered into pieces. I still remember when he told me I was the only girl in his life five years ago. That I was his first love, and that his heart belonged to me and only me.
My stupid heart, I believed him.
"Megha I may have dated four girls, but I have touched only one of them."
I begged in my heart that my heart does not get any broken further, I could not handle this, still, I managed to ask, "Who was She?"
"Her name was Deepali," and quickly he jumped in to cover the thing, but I knew it was going to get worse, "It was back in 2019 my love, how does it matter anymore? It has been 3 years since."
"It matters because you have been with me since 2017 Anurag!" I spoke with the little energy I could muster.
He cheated on me. Was it only once?