July 2021

The sky was dark. No stars. I stood at the edge of the platform. Stuffing my hands in my pocket, I stared out at the tracks and my surroundings. I went out for a walk when it started raining. Soaking through my blue shirt, the cold water wet my skin. It was so quiet here in this lonely platform where I could allow my thoughts to drift. Ten minutes later, I watched the incoming train, approaching after a little announcement chimed. It shuttered to a halt and unsealed its doors.

His voice echoed in my head. Again. 'Late night rain is fun'.

I didn't step inside. Soul mate. I despised these words. They sent chills down my spine. The idea of having someone knowing every aspect of your life, serving you as a closure to your pain is as sweet and fake as fairy tales. It doesn't last long. It did before until he disappeared. I will not remember.

This small affirmation on my behalf that I'd repeated many times could never blur those memories. Remembering was painful. Time helped. It did only help to subside the pain and shift my attention which was enough. It was bearable. I was confused. We had promised, right? We promised to stop loving each other when we could no longer love. Each time and every moment you stood by your words but was this time not valid enough? Shoving my thoughts in a corner of my brain, I stepped into the rain.

The thought that his face began to fade away in my mind more and more, I faced a whirlwind of emotions. Whether I should be thankful that the pain was slowly diminishing or be horrified that the one who had been in the worst and best of my life, his presence may no longer matter to me one day? Would his picture in my heart disappear even more...or perhaps completely?

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

October 2020

The soft warm rays of the sun woke me, already shining. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting them to adjust to the sunlight pouring in through the tall window into the bedroom. The other side of the bed was empty. He woke up earlier. Blinking away the sleep from my eyes, I let my vision wander to look over for Anse. There he stood shirtless in only his pants at the balcony, unveiling before me a full view of his body, he chiseled with workouts. A smile spread across my lips. Suddenly, the curtains swayed with the wind. He shivered and adjusted the curtain to close the window.

His side profile was so attractive. Having lived here for a few months, we made it a home. Our small house was perfect for the two of us. At first, I thought this relationship would be downhill. I was definitely wrong. Never knew the man I liked from afar would be mine until now. Always treating me right. How not to love him? I wished we could always get to live a peaceful life. While getting off the bed, I took the sheets wrapped around my naked body together with me and I walked up to Anse.

My tresses fell in between his fingers as his hand was in my hair, stroking it gently. His scent shut down my senses. Then, I felt it. His soft and moist lips were pressed against the delicate flesh of my neck gently. He bestowed another heated kiss to my skin. Scorching hot, it burnt my skin. I had been this vulnerable with him. He knew it and liked the way my body responded to his touch. I wanted nothing more than this moment to be tattooed in my heart. It is so heavenly. My fingers held on the sheets in front of my breasts so it wouldn't fall down.

"You smell so good Sugar" he murmured against my skin.

I felt chills. His lips caressed my ear lobe before he grazed it softly with his teeth. Peppering me with light kisses along my lobe, he leaned down even more and picked me up from the ground. He was warm. Pulling away, slowly, I raised my right hand, my fingertips touching the scar on his chest, on the soft sun-kissed skin lightly, my eyes pinned to the cicatrix. Suddenly, he grasped my wrist. He brought our estranged hands to his chest, laying my hand against his beating heart.

Now, my whole palm laid on his chest, bouncing up and down slowly as his heart was beating against his chest wall. It was racing just as fast as mine. He put me down, his one hand still holding my waist.

As his fingers let go and no longer encircled mine, I dragged my fingers down his hot skin, earning a shuddering breath from him. His muscles tightened over his abdomen till they reached his waistline. Raising my eyes, my gaze locked with his. When I realized it, our faces were merely inches away, staring into his brown eyes. His soft hazel bangs, strands of them falling in front of his eyes. I blinked my eyes and the moment I opened it, he was not in front of me anymore. I was dreaming everything again.

I looked at the text again.

Anse♡:

(Don't look for me...I've never been more certain about anything than my feelings for you. I shall always carry the memories of the precious moments we lived together, your smile, your laugh with me...The feeling of never going to see you again breaks me. I'm glad I'm not there at the moment to see the tears leaving your eyes...That would just break me more...Please don't forget me...this text is the last you'll hear from me Sugar)

A shattering pain crept inside my mind. Something was clutching my heart and I couldn't breathe normally. My vision got blurry. The words that I've just read echoing in my head, as my mind replayed every memory I had of my man. I started losing ground under my feet. I kneeled down, closing my eyes. When suddenly a voice whispered softly into my ears.

"Tired already" the voice my ears have been desperate to hear, his beautiful voice, so soft and gentle.

And I opened my eyes, slowly turning to face him.

He sat next to me and stroked my hair. His smile extended to his eyes. It lighted his eyes and spread into every part of him as his lips curved upwards. In his eyes was warmth and a glow tinged with reflection of light, in their loving-brown showing how genuine his smile was. It was beautiful. It made everything alive. As such, he was the perfect companion, the perfect hand to hold.

Looking hot and yet cute. His scent lurked around. I never once got sick of his smell. A peaceful smile stretched across my lips. This hurts so bad. He is not real.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was catching my breath, crying again. I can't count how many times I've cried in this same room for the same reason. Gripping my blanket from the bed, I buried my face into it. The fabric of my blanket, already stained with my old tears, absorbed my tears. Trying to calm down was hard but I had to. I gasped for air. The air, cold made my nose jelly and descended down my throat.

He is gone. Pulling out a blade from one of the drawers, I brought it to my wrist. His eyes always looked at me with such adoration. This can't be a lie right! He loved me so hard. He lost interest in me then?

I didn't know what I was thinking. The blade penetrated my skin, tearing it apart so blood came out. It amazed me how a blade can cut open your skin smoothly with little or no pressure. Skipping my meals up to marking up my wrists which was painfully pleasant with a sadistic smile spreading on my lips. He created this insane and depressed woman. Dragging my feet, I plopped down onto the sofa. I never saw myself this irrational. What was I doing? Letting my grief swallow me whole. This wouldn't bring him back to me. Life goes on. I can't fall into depression again.

What really worsened my pain was that I never had someone to turn to after a fall. I could never bring myself to burden my little brother, Benjamin with the harsh reality. Those struggles and how much of an emotional drain it was to be the breadwinner and embracing myself every time I felt weak. Living admist responsibilities, Anse had been the shoulder I could lean on. My brother was out for training. An awful feeling washed over me.

You've been dumped over a text, get over it. It's been a week already.

I dialed his number for the nth time. It was directed to his voicemail.

"Anse speaking. If it's my girl, I'll call you back sugar. I love you three million more. And guys! Busy at the moment. Later"

Directed to voicemail:

(Hey It's me. I hope I'm not the last person you want to hear from right now. I guess I was just calling to check if you are doing okay because I'm not. I'm missing you. Life is really hard without you. Within a split second, you were gone and I've been waiting for a while now. Then, I figured you wouldn't come back. Maybe, I'm the one stupid here for believing I could mean something to you. I was nothing... nothing worth for at least a pathetic excuse from your side but a replaceable piece in your fucking life. I'm just leaving this voicemail since I really can't stop thinking about you. I won't walk away from you like you did. Would you have waited on me and cried for me if I was the one to leave? You know that I'm always there if you need me. I love you)

It was snowing while I got this text. I was just shut off, undeserving of an explanation. But my heart keeps repeating the same thing over and over. He'll come back soon for me. I'll wait a little more.