Closing the door behind us, I glanced around anxiously. It was what my worst fears warned me about, something I had pleaded to not happen. Completely different from what I had imagined. My smile faded. It is completely empty. No Eli.
It was then I saw a photo frame of a happy couple sitting over the sofa. He was there in the picture with a girl. She had enveloped her arms around his neck with a smile tugging at her lips as she sat in the lap of the man she loved so dearly... Pure happiness shone in her blue eyes while his eyes admired her with such love and passion. The girl looked a lifetime away. That smile pricked my heart. His fingers were tangled in her hair pushing it away her face as a breeze pulled them over through the gap between his fingers. The other arm slung around her waist.
I gripped the picture so tight, hugging it to my chest, close to my heart. A picture on the day of our anniversary, two years back. That was when it hit me that I would probably never see him again.
We were happy. Why couldn't we always stay happy? What could have been the reason he decided to end 'us'? Why am I feeling so helpless? These thoughts kept whirling in my brain. I let my eyes close gently as I still held it close to my weeping heart. I desperately wanted him to return to me. I was exhausted, very tired. I wanted freedom. Freedom from the emotional pain I've been experiencing...from his memories...
Opening my eyes, sharing a glance a last time, I tossed the picture against the wall. It broke with scattered pieces on the floor. I hustled out of the apartment with Ian, perplexed. Before Ian could enter the elevator, I closed the doors quickly and allowed myself to fall on the cold floor. My head felt heavy. Why do I have to love someone this hard? This is not a typical romantic show with all these emotional cliche and true love stuff. I was a somebody before I met him and I still am but why does it feel everything has changed. I feel lonely and incomplete without him as if my world just crumbled down again.
Back to my apartment
The bedroom looked quiet with evaporated happiness and old memories residing. I can't fucking do anything about this. He was gone, dead or whatever. Never will I ever see his smile again, touch him, hug him, hear his voice. I heard quiet steps as Ian approached me slowly.
"Sefaa" he called me softly.
My chest heaved as I gasped for air, my finger curled up in a fist.
"I'm not okay Ian. I don't know, just anything to let me know he is alive. I...wanna-"
I was broken.
Realizing something terrible might have happened to him, made me terrified. Fear clutched my throat. Ian's eyes showed a glimpse of pity. My limbs feel heavy...languid, my hand reached out to grab the edge of the table for support to propel my suddenly weak body.
Ian pulled me into his embrace. I swat my fist against his chest weakly. I couldn't feel my strength anymore. I crumbled down into his arms, letting out all my bottled up emotions. I was tired of fighting this pain. My breathing slowed down as exhaustion and desolation swept through me. I held onto him hard, sniffling.
"Relax...can you just breathe love?" He shushed me, stroking my hair gently.
"That's right. Breathe"he said though I could feel his heartbeat racing.
He also knew something was wrong. As my breathing became normal again slowly and my sobbing quietened down, he loosened his grip around me. I wiped my tears.
I want you to see that I'm not giving up on us... on you. Was it hard to love me the way I loved you? I want you to know even after everything that happened I still want you back.
"Can you leave me alone?"
I suppressed the urge to push him away. The one I wanted the most to stay didn't.
He drove me home. Now, he has to get out of here. I was trying damn hard to not become a sobbing mess in front of him again .
"If you want me to stay, just tell me"
With that I realized I told him to get away when I was the one gripping on his collar tightly.
I pulled away and backed some steps till my back knocked lightly against the wall.
"You don't have to push me away Sef"
"Please go"
"Take care of yourself. I'm just one call away. You know you can count on me"
I knew he was asking me not to cut myself but I wasn't the least bothered.
I got to thinking about Anse and I yesterday as I ran across our old pictures. Every moment that now felt fake. I did everything, asked in the neighborhood, asked his friends again. He had a small circle of friends. I visited possible places he could have been. I even tapped his last phone calls but in vain. Nothing. His sim could never be traced. He disappeared as if he never existed. He could have been outside the country by a fake identity but why? He had the choice to stay or leave. And he chose to leave. With that, hours turned into days, days into weeks.
As much as I want to find you and bring you back home safe and sound, I wish you are fine wherever you are and happy.
Celebrating Christmas is the last thing I wish to do.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
28 April 2021
I didn't realize he could have been this important in my life. Nothing made sense anymore. I scoffed and poured myself a glass of whiskey. It was torture to untangle myself from his memories every time. Every night, I would sleep on his side so I could find some solace... to an empty, cold bed. How I wished Benjamin wasn't still training at this particular time. I downed the liquid in three big gulps and poured myself another drink.
The glass was a breath away from my mouth when I paused. I noticed the file lying on the bed, at the very attached picture on that particular page which was coming out of the piles of papers. The file must have opened when I threw it on the bed. Placing my glass on the table, I pulled out the paper and analyzed it. My gut churned at the sight of a human like this. So cruel. The old woman had a chunk of her breast being torn while her eyeballs were missing. I didn't miss the smile being sewed on her face with seven crosses. My jaw clenched at the very sight. But from the looks of it, he seemed to be a surgeon. His hands must be really cared for for such precision in the sewing. But, he should have an assistant with him to remove the eyeballs. They weren't ripped out of their sockets hastily, instead it was done with great delicacy, care and time.
Organ trafficking? There must have been powerful people involved in this then. Backing him up. It requires an intense gut to kill someone and most probable a blown mind. It was terrible. She was raped and brutally killed with no remorse. Her dead corpse was stabbed with a knife a couple of times. The hatred didn't end even after he inflicted atrocious acts on her, tortured her and killed her. Like a frustrated animal.
What was the motive behind for an educated doc to resort to such heinous acts?
'Pop'
I read the new whatsapp notifications from my team members.
'Brave and cool agents.'
The name of the group always made me cringe. Eliana was the one to create one and name it of course.
Eliana:
(The brutal murders seem to have no connection)
Owen:
(How can you say so with surety?)
Eliana:
(How much IDIOT can you get! They have got no pattern well except for some)
Owen:
(Well they do have)
Kevin:
(Sefa, where are you dude?)
Eliana:
(If you want some time from work, we're totally fine with it.. till you are more or less fine)
Right, Eliana knew about my break up and Ian knew. They knew I was working too hard to shift my concentration.
Kevin:
(What could go wrong if she worked with us?)
Eliana:
(Asshole! Shut up. She's been working too much these months. She needs a break)
Kevin:
(What? She doesn't like taking rest. She said it herself)
Eliana:
(By the way, the murders have a deep connection)
(He or she is a doctor or forensic lab doc... I don't know exactly)
Owen:
(I can't believe I missed this detail)
John:
(Hmm good night guys)
Lara:
(@Eliana I didn't miss it)
John:
(You shouldn't slack off work any longer Kevin.. You've been on and off. Focus on yourself)
Eliana:
(@John I thought you said good night!)
There she goes defending Kevin at every chance. Such comebacks. It was true. Kevin had not been paying enough attention to work after he learned about his sick mother. During the lockdown due to the pandemic while vaccinating, he learned his mother had cancer. She sympathized with Kevin since her mother had died last year.
Lara:
(I'll keep the questions ready)
(Though I def have to meet my bf)
Kevin:
(Meet your bf after work)
(No excuse)
(I've a gut feeling she must have seen the killer)
John:
(Wow, finally someone saw a killer. Blessed. Since so many murder cases are still not SOLVED..)
Kevin:
(Action of applauding plus rolling my eyes)
How much more dramatic could they get? In all the cases we got, there were no male victims except for one. Vasco Murphy.
I got a private notification from Ian from normal messaging.
Ian:
(Should I grab some midnight snacks and come over?)
Me:
(I'm not hungry. Thanks for caring though)
Ian:
(As much as I wanted to come over.. I'll believe you if you say so)
He knew I had insomnia. He'd been bringing me food at night many times. He was the leader who had always been rooting for me since I joined the FBI after serving the army. I still remember my first day which was two years back, the people's eyes would widen in surprise whenever I flexed my arms. 'She's got some iron arms'.
Me:
(I was currently studying the case of that old woman)
Ian:
(J. P.)
(We could work on it. You should.. To keep your mind busy but don't overworked yourself. Please)
I didn't miss the pleading tone in the message.
By J. P. he meant Jules Pirama. He never liked leaving digital prints about cases. It may get hacked. 'Better be on the safe side'. He says. Ian could know details of the victims by heart. He was so dedicated and engrossed in his works that I often thought of him not having a personal life beside work anymore.
Eliana:
(That fucking crappy shitty surgeon need to have his balls cut off. He must be a sadist to be this animalistic)
Me:
(Agreed)
Owen:
(With no manhood, he would easily drawn into depression. His male ego would burst)
Lara:
(I'm loving the idea of it since he loved fucking people so much)
Ian:
(Sefa would join us tomorrow)
Eliana:
(We're meeting the victim's daughter)
Kevin:
(You're coming tom Sefa?)
Me:
(The fact that he has a medical background should remain confidential)
Ian:
(We can't afford to leave any digital footprints. No messages related to these specific details on the phone. DELETE them RIGHT NOW)
One question lingered in my mind. Why would someone rape an old woman if there was a young girl in that very house? Rapists would usually go for young women and especially virgins. The latters were considered as agents to boost their male ego and satisfy their lust crazily. People can't even afford to get out of their house without having to fear for their lives. A killer was roaming freely. Bullshit.
At first, I was off duty where I would lie down at home on the bed to stare at the ceiling like a mad person. It lasted for two weeks after Anse disappeared. Then I would spend my days and nights at work working again like a mad person who only visited his house once upon a time. It was then I started suffering from insomnia. No longer showing my emotions, no longer shedding a tear, penting up all my feelings, I spent long hours at work, overtime, over-exhausting myself, hanging at pubs by myself. Slowly, I realized that Anse still ghosted an entire wall among the fragments of thoughts. Getting over him was not easy at all.