LIENNA
I find his office and before entering I remind myself of exactly why I am here to meet him. 'Do not forget anything. Do not get lost in him. Do not get close to him. And do not fucking get emotional over him.' My brain reminds me as I nod and enter after knocking four times, my habit.
"Lien....."
I look at him and it takes every bit of self-control I have to not go to him and hug him tight because he looks so damn miserable. His eyes are red from lack of sleep and crying. There is still that bandage on his left hand that is covering his pierced skin. I feel a tremor in my body remembering how three days ago his hand was covered in blood and tiny glass pieces and how I left him there like a fucking heartless bitch as if we were nothing to each other. I didn't want to leave him, it was hurting me more to see him like that but when I looked at Mia, I had lost self-control. How could she do it? How could my best friend...my sister do it?
"Lien..." He again says my name but in a hushed whisper that's almost inaudible. I close my eyes as I try to not let my tears out hearing him call me that. Regaining my composure, I look at him with a straight face.
"Hi, Sam." His fisted hands, his slightly bent shoulders, his rigid posture, his hazel glistening eyes, his lower lip tightly in between his teeth, I notice all of it. He is on the verge of crying. I look away from him as soon as he looks at me in the eyes. I can't handle his stare, his deep broken hurt stare.
"Umm, I am here to talk about a few things." He doesn't move, doesn't even break the stare when I look at him again.
"S-Sam?" I stutter when I sense his unwavering gave that is doing something to me.
"S-sorry. Have a seat." He says motioning to the couch as I nod and sit there keeping my bag to my left. Sam too comes to the couch and hesitates to figure out where he should sit.... beside me or diagonal to me. I smile a little and nod as he takes a seat to my right side, still keeping a fair distance.
"H-how are you?" He asks me a simple question. But it's the hardest to answer. I don't know, I have no idea. I am confused. So fucking confused. I smile bitterly and shrug.
"No idea. Are you ok?" I say as impulsively my hand goes to his bandaged hand and caresses it. He looks at me wide-eyed as I too realize my actions and quickly take my hand back, but in the middle Sam quickly holds my hand in his. I look at him in perplexity. He intertwines our fingers, and I don't say anything, because I finally feel the comfort I needed for the last 7 years. Bringing our intertwined hands to his lap he keeps them there. I smile when I finally feel my heart beating again. I forgot how it feels when your heart beats, how it feels when you are with the one you love, how it feels when you know you are just where you should be. The feeling is really overwhelming as I am unable to control the tears and they fall before I even have a chance to hide them. Sam sees me shedding tears as he scoots closer to me and cups my face, his hands slightly shivering in uncertainty. He is not sure if this is right, he is not sure if I want this. And it makes me cry more. Because I know this isn't right, because I know we both shouldn't be together right now, because I know I shouldn't want this, but I do want this. I want him like before, like always. He panics seeing me sobbing and crying hysterically, and without any hesitation or halt in his movements he pulls me to his chest wrapping his arms around me, caressing my hair and my back. I clutch his shirt tighter and tighter with each second passing. I missed this; I missed us.
"I missed y-you." I mumble with a sob as he soothes my hair and whispers back.
"More....way more Lien. You have no idea." I pull myself back and look deep in his hazel eyes, I look for the truth, I look for sincerity, I look for love and it is there.
"Why Sam? Why did you..." My voice dies as I am not able to say it. He shakes his head desperately.
"N-no....you don't know the truth, Lienna. There is something very important you need to know before judging me, before questioning my love for you." He says with his determined, earnest, loving gaze as I gulp recognizing that stare of his. I need to listen to him. I nod as he releases my cupped face and sighs exasperatedly yet deeply.
"Don't say anything until I am done explaining."
He gazes at me pleadingly as I nod giving him an assuring expression.
"Mia. Lienna....she told me you were dead."
I freeze, my hand that was about to reach his shoulder to comfort him pauses in mid-way hearing him. He has his eyes on the floor and his hands are in between his spread legs, his head hanging low. Oh my god.
"Two years ago, I met her. Mia is a singer, she is known as 'Masked singer', I had always admired 'masked singer' for her amazing songwriting skills and her talent for expressing painful emotions into words. I didn't know what she looked like; I didn't know Mia was 'masked singer' because she had never shown her face. In public or meetings with other celebs, even parties, she would never show her face, and even her name was not revealed. Everyone called her masked singer or Kay. I just admired her for her talent. And so, when two years ago, I got the chance to collaborate with her, I was elated. Thrilled to finally work with her, and to find out how she has this talent. When we met, she was cold to me. I didn't care much. And I had no idea who she actually was until she showed me the song that we had to sing. When I read the lyrics of the song, I was so shocked to know that it was the song you and I wrote back when we were 17.
And it all hit me, that this has got to be you. That the masked singer is surely you because there is no way someone else could have written the same song as we did. I asked her if she was you, but she denied quickly. I thought maybe you didn't want me to know you yet, but I was wrong. It wasn't even you. I pretended I didn't know it was you when actually it was the truth. After we released the song 'Don't Leave' I arranged a party as it was a huge success. And that night, at the party, I took the mic and confessed there is one special person I have in my heart. Mia probably figured out I was talking about her, and she surely knew I was taking her as you so before I had the chance to say her name, she ran away from there as I too followed her quickly. And that was when she told me who she was. And I was more than shocked. I have no words to explain how I felt when I came to know it wasn't you. But when I heard the reason, it was not you but her there, I stopped breathing, my heart stopped beating and my mind stopped thinking. She said you had been caught in a fire accident and d-died. I didn't believe it. How could I? But she made me believe it. And I accepted it, but my guilt and regret never left me. I accepted that I lost you, but I regretted the time I left you so badly. I had constant dreams of you, I used to see you every day, every minute. It took me a year to come out of the immense pain of your death. I still couldn't get rid of the guilt and regret, I blamed myself for your death because Mia told me how devastated you were when I left you. Though I left you for us, for our better future, I know it caused you immense pain and suffering. But I suffered too and knowing I had hurt you? That was a punishment for me. And knowing you were no more? Hell, I didn't even want to live anymore, and I was going to die because I didn't find it meaningful to live because my life had already been taken away from me. That day I was about to jump down but Mia saved me."
My tears haven't stopped since he started telling me the truth and my sobs escape my lips hearing what he went through. His pain is no less than mine, maybe even more. He still doesn't look at me but brings his hand to mine and intertwines our fingers.
"Mia helped me come out of the black hole I got into. And she also confessed her feelings to me. I wasn't ready to accept that because I could never forget you, even after knowing you were no longer mine. But whenever I was at the edge, she was always there to help and somewhere in between that, I developed a soft spot for her. And just three months back we started dating officially."
My heart clenches hearing him talk about this. I understand him, his pain, his sufferings, his longing, and it makes my heart bleed. How he must have felt knowing I was dead? So bad that he wanted to die? And just when I think about him standing on that railing ready to fall and end his life, I feel more tears collecting in my eyes and a shiver runs through my body making me feel cold though I am covered in warm clothes. I feel his thumb caressing my hand in his hold and I feel at peace just by that.
"Though we were in a relationship, there was nothing more than one kiss we shared. I told her that I would never be able to love her as much as I love you. That I will never be able to forget you and that I will never be able to give her my heart because you took it with you already. I told her it was not fair to her, but she said she loves me deeply and has no problem if I use her as a replacement. That made my heart clench because I knew I was hurting her, but she was ok with it. Lienna I never was able to take you out of my heart, out of me. You were always there. I am sorry, I am really sorry for what I did 7 years ago, and for what I did now. But I swear on myself I was never able to forget you nor love someone else as much as you. All I feel or felt for Mia was a soft spot. Because she helped me get out of my depression and regain myself."
I get up and go in front of him, my hand still in his. Kneeling down I keep my other hand on his knee as he looks at me and my heart bleeds seeing his extremely red teary eyes. He is barely keeping the tears in. I give up on listening to my heart that wants me to do what's right and hug him with a jolt. He stiffens and his hands remain in the air for a few seconds but when he feels my tight hug and my arms in a tight grip around his neck, he hugs me back tighter and finally lets out his cries. It's as if a sword just pierced my heart because I have never seen him break down to this extent. He has never cried this much in those 4 years of our perfect relationship than he has in the 3 days since we met after our breakup. I can't imagine his pain, but I am trying to understand and help him. I know all he needs right now is me, my touch, and my words. And that's all I need too. All I need is for him to help me figure out everything. We just need each other to sort out everything that is so fucking messed up right now. And now that I have finally got the answer for which I came, I am finally going to do what I want. The question was as simple as Will my heart finally beat again? And the answer is as simple as, as long Sam is breathing, damn hell YES. And so, I am going to let my heart beat again, beat for the one it belongs to, beat for the one it longed for.
....