November 18
MIA
I smile and wipe my tears that fell for god knows what reason. Oh yea, thinking about what I am gonna do now. Releasing a deep breath, I look at the door of the luxurious penthouse in front of me. My hands slightly tremble as I press the bell. I hear a voice after a few seconds.
"Coming." I feel my throat drying and my hands sweat but I control my nervous state and take deep breaths continuously. But all my attempts of controlling my tears go in vain when I see him come out with a slight smile but seeing me it turns into a blank expression. I bite my lips to prevent my sob as he asks me in a cold voice.
"What are you doing here?"
"P-please....let me in," I say, begging him to just let me in. I wish he could let me in his mind, his heart but I know he can never, he will never. He takes a deep breath and steps away from the door leaving a lot of space for me to get in.
Sitting in the huge living room, him in front of me, I can't help but let out my tears noticing how far he is from me now.
"S-sam.....I am s-sorry. I really am but you have to b-believe me, I never knew L-lienna was a-alive. If I would have, you should know I would never e-ever have even thought about being with you. A-and even now I am here to tell you that you should be w-with Lienna. You both deserve each other. I won't come in your w-way. I n-never wanted t-to."
"I know." I look at him and our eyes meet.
"Wh-what..." I whisper but he hears it. He takes a deep breath and looks to the large glass wall on our right that shows the view of the whole city, with a slight smile.
"I know Mia. You don't have to apologize. I should be saying sorry. I acted like a jerk with you though I knew it wasn't your fault. I wasn't angry at you for coming here. I was angry at you for having such a big heart that you still came to me for apologizing when I should be the one doing it. That day, I was messed up, we all were. It took me almost 2 weeks to get my senses back. And if it wasn't for Lienna, I would have still been messed up. She made me understand everything, that it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't your fault." He looks at me and I can't stop my whimper when I see softness in his eyes again, and not disgust, hate, betrayal, coldness. It's just softness now. My tears fall like a waterfall when he gets up and comes to me and sits on his knees in front of me, but still keeping a distance so he doesn't touch me.
"I am sorry Mia. And you do not need to apologize for anything. It was never ever your fault. All you did was try to fix everything when you were broken. And I am so sorry that I cannot give you what you deserve. You deserve so much more Mia, you really do. I can't ever give you what you deserve. I am sorry for making you cry so much; I am sorry for giving you so much pain. Forgive me."
I don't hold back anymore and bury my face in my hands, and I wail pathetically. I know I am trembling because of crying so much, but his words though healed me also broke me and now I know, now that I have myself pulled back, I will never have him again. I feel him get up and stand as he hugs me. I let myself sink in his waist and cry still having hands on my face. I know this is the last hug and it hurts me so bad. It feels as if I am crushing my own heart knowing well there is no one to take care of it. I regret it a little bit because now I know he doesn't hate me. I thought it will be worse for me if he hates me but now that he told me he doesn't hate me? And talked like this to me? With so much delicacy and softness? I can't help but regret it because now it seems a thousand times harder for me to get over him. I feel like shit.
.....
"Kay! Where the hell have you been?!" I close my eyes hearing Anna's loud panicked scream.
"I was busy. Why?"
Silence. But then....
"WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! YOU IDIOT FUCKING KAY! HECK! YOU HAVE A DAMN FREAKING SHOW TO ATTEND. UGHH WHAT DO I DO WITH YOU?! KIM IS ALREADY KILLING ME WITH HER STARES AND WORDS."
Oh gosh. My heart almost got out of its rib cage. I keep my hands on my chest to calm my heartbeat and shake my head done with Anna a hundred percent.
"Anna. I am driving. I will be there. Just text me the location, ok? Bye." I say and hang up without giving her any chance to say anything back. I sigh and stop the car as I throw my head back gripping the steering wheel tightly. I need to take it out and the only way is to sing. I nod. I will sing.
...
"Well, now you look...you." She says as I look at myself in the mirror and feel disturbed. I feel like it's not me wearing the cap and mask. I feel like I am impersonating someone else, and the irony is, it's true. Am I not being Lienna? I want to free myself from this but I am not sure if I have the right to. If I even deserve all this. I gulp and continue to stare deep into the reflection of a masked girl. Is this really me? Suddenly I flinch feeling a hand on my shoulder.
"It's me! How are youu?" I widen my eyes when I see its Lienna.
"Ho-w are you...how did.... who even...." I am at a loss for words. How did she know I will be here? How did she even come here? And how she got in here?
"Relax Mi--Kay." I look at her through my covered face and somehow a smile makes its way to my face. She surely knows how to keep promises.
"Umm...well it wasn't that hard for me to get in. I just had to say I am Conor's fiancé." She chuckles and though she is trying to seem fine, I know she isn't. But I play along with her.
"Mhmm....good for you."
"I am here to tell you, free yourself. I will feel much better, and you do not owe any of this success to me. You have earned it with your hard work. Never think, I somehow have a hand in it. I don't. Maybe yea, I wrote the songs but so did you! Remember those songs we wrote together? Moreover, you too produced so many songs. Like how can you even think you don't deserve it hm? Go and show who you are to everyone because you damn as hell deserve everything you have yet so much more. You deserve freedom." I hug her, I hug her tight. Gosh, I needed to hear it so bad and just from her. I feel free, I feel so much better. She hugs me back and soothes me.
"Shush....don't ruin the pretty face behind that mask because you have to show it today."
I chuckle and nod as I back away.
"Hey, Kay! It's your turn on the stage! Good luck! You got to perform three songs and one surprise song that will be a cover so just tell us what it will be."
Anna says as I nod at her and give a last glance at Lienna and leave the room.
....