A wide smile grew on my face, as I walked up to the seat besides the tall man. Sitting down on a soft chair, I searched around the table to look for the prepared food. It all... Smelled and looked so delicious. Nothing like what I had, eating only leftover bread and stew from the servants kitchen. With the sight of this cuisine, my hunger started to kick in. Primitive instincts ruling over the faint sense of dignity left, without the will to further question this abstract situation, I politely went with his scheme and wished him:
"Have a pleasant meal, master."
But instead of thanking me, his spoon suddenly fell out of his hand, hitting the plate with a large noise. Turning my head to see what happened, I could only stumble upon his glare, targeting me.
"Stop calling me your master." — He whispered quietly.
"Huh... Why should I?"
"Because it troubles me. Call me by my name."
"...Would Duke Begonia be more polite?"
But at the moment I spoke out loud his surname, his pupils would go narrow, and his breath would freeze.
"No. Narcis will be enough."
A name that no one spoke inside of the mansion. Rare and unmet, I've never heard anyone referring to him in this way. It seemed to strange and out of place, to suddenly start calling him like no one did, with a name, so unofficial like that. Why would he tell me to do that?
There is so much I want to ask, but we weren't alone for me to freely ask him. Near us were standing two butlers, the ones I saw a few times here. Assuming that I would be frozen by his deadly glare if I dared to ask any unnecessary questions here, I decided to remain silent and "stupid" until the right time comes. Using it to my benefit, it felt quite pleasant to finally have someone to talk to me, eat delightful food, and be treated differently. After an unsettling living, almost like a ghost, a nice sensation greeted my heart. Even if it's all a facade that would eventually fall, I wanted to enjoy the special moments while they lasted. Living every day with no purpose and memories at all, I wanted to make the sadness of these days fade. Maybe acting stupid would make my life more happy than objecting being treated like a puppet.
Observing closely, with strange curiosity, the way I was eating, the duke slowly sipped his tea out of a fragile cup. He was an elegant man, the distinct face features of his, and always near clothing made me differentiate this man the first time I saw him. Looking like a natural nobleman, the way he moved, spoke and even stared with his eyes, all of this was filled with dignity and respect. Dark brown, thin strands of curly hair were hanging loosely on his forehead. A defined nose with dark pink lips underneath. His sharp jawline was creating a refined face. Two, arched eyebrows were rarely relaxed, like now. His always cold, void black eyes now shined with warmness. One man, two different faces. Both of them... Quite handsome.
He suddenly smiled, and then I realized, I've been observing this man for a while now. Not being aware of my intrusive glare, my eyes quickly shifted down, and I attempted to finish my meal.
"You look really beautiful in this dress. Do you like it?" — He asked me with a dreamy voice.
"I... There is no mirror in my room, so I couldn't see how I look."
"Oh... I should bring one to your room then... Or no. I have a better idea. You should move to another room, bigger and already decorated. It has a big balcony, right next to mine."
His eyes looked like if they wanted to ask me how I feel about this idea. But they would be met with disappointment. This... Isn't this too much?
"I think my room is enough." — I responded to him with a unenthusiastic glare, that could be seen only by him and no one else.
But he ignored it, suddenly standing from the table.
"How wonderful! Let me show you your new room right now!"
Grabbing onto my chair, he pulled me off the table, as if forcing me to go away this instant, despite me not finishing my meal. This act scared me quite, with feeling of bad energy coming from the chair he was holding, I stood up and anxiously nodded.
Inviting me with his glare, I couldn't disobey, I followed him out of the dining room. With another stares of servants greeting us on our way, we remained silent all along. That was, until we arrived before a tall, mahogany door.
A nearby servant opening then for us, the contents of the inside made me forget about how beautiful my room was today. A space four times the size of my current bedroom, the walls were covered with a violet plead, in flowery ornaments. A golden chandelier hanging from the ceiling, it was lighting up the entire room with prisms coming from the crystals. Purple asters and orange lilies were put in vases all around, the paintings on the walls showed only vast landscapes of valleys. Right besides the door to the balcony stood a grand bed, with a white baldachin. Cabinets and wardrobes surrounding the place, in the middle, on a white carpet, stood a desk with chair around. Walking mesmerized into the room, I noticed a vanity table just right by the bed. Unconsciously coming closer, I was started by that I saw in the reflection of the mirror.
It was the first time I saw my face so clearly. Porcelain-like pale complexion on a small, fragile face. Barely any blush at all, it seemed like if colors vanished from this image. Big, light rose lips, crooked from dryness, and a long, narrow nose. A pair of two, round eyes were staring at me, with long, bright eyelashes blinking in surprise. The face in the reflection was surrounded by a storm of long, thick and wavy hair, in the color of light beige, almost like sand. A head sticking out of a body wearing a stunning dress, the woman appeared unexpectedly beautiful to herself. I am... Beautiful.
"Do you like it? Have you changed your mind?" — He asked me, his voice coming from behind me out of nowhere.
Seeing his face right next to mine, in the reflection, I could say he looked quite the opposite of me. Everything in him was dark and elegant, in me it was bright and pure.
I turned around, to finally face him. We were left alone in this room, behind a closed door. No other living soul in here. It tormented me. Despite me wanting to keep the facade like that, a faint voice in my head grew, telling me to bring it down.
"Why? Why are you doing this to me?" — I sent him a questioning stare full of doubts. What are his real intentions?
"Doing... What?" — He tried to act foolish, but I could see the expression on his face change to a troubled one.
"Noticing me... Suddenly. Is it because... You don't want me to tell anyone about what happened?"
The light in his eyes disappeared, turning them into two lifeless gems. Looking like if holding in his breath from the unexplained fear, his person quickly changed into an entirely different now. The atmosphere changed quickly, with all of the shadows in the room becoming scarily darker. Some time passed before he finally spoke out from his trembling lips.
"What do you mean?"
"You... Almost choked me yesterday, after I almost poisoned myself."
But immediately after I just accused him of hurting me, he seemed to unexpectedly... Breathe out with ease?
"Ah... I... I was feeling so down yesterday. Throwing my anger on you was an unforgivable thing. I really didn't want to... I regret this, not controlling myself." I apologize." — His eyes went down, trying to avoid mine, in pity.
But... Why would this justify his today's actions?
"Why would you suddenly change your attitude towards me like that?" — That was the thing that bothered me the most.
This question, the heaviest and most burdening out of all.
"I... Realized I can't avoid you anymore. The burden that weights down my heart, it became too much. I can't deny it and your presence anymore."
But that still wasn't what I wanted to hear. Seeing my face expecting the so longed-for end, he knew I couldn't be satisfied by that lyrical answer.
Unexpectedly coming closer to me, I felt a warm presence coming closer to my skin. Embracing my body, his arms travelled around my back, squeezing it tightly. I could feel his soft hair touching my cheeks, as this man just hugged me out of nowhere. My eyes went wide, with my breath not wanting to leave my body from the shock.
"I'm so sorry, I couldn't protect you and him as I wanted... The guilt will never let me rest with ease. I can't hide it before you... after all. Despite you not remembering anything..."
He caught me in an even tighter embrace, almost making me suffocate.
"...Me and your late husband, we were sworn brothers. We pledged to each other, with our lives, that we would protect our families. But I... Couldn't fulfill that promise. I was... Too weak... Too slow... I couldn't rescue him... So the only thing I thought, would be right, was to take you in... I'm so... Sorry..."
...
The world around me suddenly seemed to lose its light. The tones of the colors faded, living only distorted shapes and unrecognizable objects. The wound in the side of my body, it stung as if being called by a higher force. The air in the room suddenly began to bear suffocating presence, heavy and thick, the smell of the flowers was getting to intense. Colder, darker... Everything around me slowly changed, but...
Why is it that despite hearing all of that... I feel hollow inside, with my heart empty?
"Why... Didn't you tell me this earlier?"
"I was afraid that... You would hold resentment towards me, and hate me for being unable to stop the ones who killed your husband. But seeing that you truly don't remember anything, there is nothing more I can do, other than being back a glimpse of the life before you lost your memories. That's the least I can do... for him..."
He pulled the fabrics on the back of my dress, with his fingers pinning into my body. A longing hug, cherishing something that was almost lost to the abyss. The sudden feeling of hopelessness and sadness succumbed in my heart.
I'm not sad because I lost someone close to me.
I'm not sad because I could have almost died.
I'm desperate because I don't have any memories of that life. I don't have any proof for the affection toward the husband I don't even know the name of. I have no expected hate towards anyone guilty.
It's suffocating because there is nothing... I can cling onto. The past me would be devastated if she knew that all of the feelings disappeared, all the memories dissolved, all of the cause and things that would make me genuinely desperate are just nonexistent. The cherished life, it's gone. There is a blank card, a wall blocking me from the pain.
I would be crying.
I am crying.
I would expect myself to resent. I can't force myself to.
Shouting into the empty space, I wailed with despair. The tears were coming from my eyes like petals of the withered chrysanthemum, which was standing lone in the vase on the desk. Soaking into his clothes, I screamed into his chest. The most painful thing is that I lost the ability to care about the things I would be concerned about in the past. There is no other emotion that hollowness filled by temporary grief, that there is nothing as I look back. Nothing missed and longed for.
I felt his hand on the back of my head, pushing me even deeper into his chest. There was barely any air to breathe with. He stroke my hair gently, whispering into my ears:
"I'm truly sorry. There was nothing... I could do for you. Please... Accept this as my absolution."
"...You know what is the most painful thing? It that... I can't bring myself to feel anything at all." — I whispered into his chest, hoping that he wouldn't hear it at all.
He only stared at his reflection in the mirror, behind her back, with his black eyes emptily staring into themselves.