***Taylor's POV***
Opening my eyes I feel really sluggish and tired. I close them again wondering if I can get away with going back to sleep.
"Taylor, are you okay?" Matty is asking.
He sounds worried and I feel like I should respond to him.
"I'm here" I tell him.
I feel his arms holding onto me and him kissing my lips.
"What's up" I ask him, forcing my eyes open.
"You're stressed" I say hugging him, oh my body feels heavy and I wince.
"You and Jay and Rach" he begins and I panic thinking he knows already.
"You smoked laced cannabis with PCP and you all tripped out. Jay had no idea. I thought you were I don't know" he says flustered.
I'm processing what he's saying to me. No more getting high for me.
"Ah that makes sense" I say.
"I need to talk to you" I add hazily.
It's time to come clean. What the hell is PCP? Maybe that's why I felt like I couldn't move and the room was spinning and like I couldn't stand up straight. It's why I felt so heavy and still. It's part and parcel why I made out with Jay. I can't blame that entirely. I'm still culpable. But I was most definitely on a trip and so was he.
"Jay ugh after the spliff," I begin flustered.
"I don't know why but I went up to the bathroom and everything was spinning. I couldn't move everything was moving around me, so I stayed there for a bit. And Jay tapped on the door." I begin. Matty stares at me intently.
"He just spoke with me, about everything. He asked if he could kiss me. And I just stood there Matty, I'm so sorry. He kissed me and he locked the door. And I'm not blaming the weed Matty, but I couldn't act quick enough, I felt like I was under water. He tried earlier to kiss me in the kitchen but I told him no and pushed him away. I hadn't smoked anything by then." I say and just wait for him to process.
He moves his hand over my face and I realise I'm crying.
"So he kissed you in the kitchen and you said no and then later he gave you a spliff which presumably he didn't know was laced? He didn't give it to Rach did he? Just you. And then you gave the spliff to Rach and he followed you" Matty says.
"I don't think he knew that it was laced why would he smoke so much of it" I say trying to work out what Matty is saying.
"Did he touch you" Matty asks, the tension in his body is making him feel rigid.
"But it's my fault too because I should have said no, I couldn't find my words and I shouldn't have told him about..." I tell him.
"Did he touch you, babe" Matty asks. He's not listening to me.
"He touched me yes, I don't remember everything Matty" I say feeling at a loss.
"He wouldn't drug me deliberately" I say defensively.
"You see where I'm coming from though right?"
"Where did he touch you?" Matty says demanding.
"Yes but before when he tried to kiss me and I pushed him off he said sorry. And that it wouldn't happen again. He said he would just stay away from me" I tell him.
"So I assume he didn't know, it was laced because he wouldn't have said any of that." I say.
"My hips and my legs I think" I add.
Matty goes quiet. I put myself in his shoes, how would I feel in his situation? I would be so annoyed, and beyond jealous. I wouldn't know what to say either really. And I might feel betrayed too.
"Really it's my fault I shouldn't have gone along with Rach and the whole girl on girl thing I brought this on myself. It was after seeing that. That he followed me. And I should have just got out of the bathroom" I say.
I look at Matty and he is watching me intently. And not like he normally would. My heart sinks and I turn onto my back. I reach for my phone and turn it on and put it on the side waiting for any messages. It beeps a whole bunch of times. I ignore them for now.
"I'm not angry with you, I'm just trying to work out what's going on" he says.
"What do you mean when you say you shouldn't have said something to him?" He asks me openly. So he did hear me.
"When he came into the bathroom, I tried to leave. He locked the door. And then he just said he wanted to talk. He asked me if I was in love with you and of course I told him that I am because I am Matty. I love you" I turn back to him in the bed.
His eyes are sad, and he looks as though he's about to cry. He looks at me imploring me to make him feel better. I hold his face in my hands.
"And then he claimed that I said his name in the hospital when I was asleep" I say, I will not tell him. I love him irrevocably but he will not understand me having a sex dream about Jay. That's all it was, a dream and it will never happen.
"Did you?" He asks me.
"I don't know I was asleep." I tell him.
"And if I did I was probably really pissed off at him in my dream." I say.
"So I think he felt from his perspective that I would reciprocate. He kept telling me that nobody had to know I remember that much" I say.
I put my arms around Matty and vow in my head to keep myself away from Jay. He holds me back not saying a word.
"Babe he took advantage of you" he says finally.
"I don't think he knew it was laced with hard drugs otherwise he wouldn't smoke so much of it himself. I agree he wouldn't do that but I think he wanted to get you high at least. And then he pursued you alone. I did not take care of you well enough last night and I'm sorry. I didn't look out for you enough because I was drunk, And that's a lesson learned for me" he says.
"Matty you literally cannot turn this around on yourself. I am sorry I should have acted differently, and like the first time he came onto me I should've pushed him off. I feel like shit. And what's worse is my body aches so much" I say sighing.
"I need to make this up to you, I love you and I mean it. It's not okay for me to just blame Jay and the weed even if I was tripping. I fucked up and I am sorry. What I allowed to happen is inexcusable and I hope you can forgive me and that you know that it will never happen again" I tell him.
He holds my body and we just stay there.
"Last night I felt like I was underwater, I could hear you but I couldn't move or talk. I don't think I'll be doing that ever again" I say.
"I considered taking you to hospital but my mum said to monitor the situation, we called Ryan's mum about it because she's a nurse and she agreed the same" he explains
"You called your mum? How are Rach and Jay?" I ask him.
Feeling like we are beginning to move past this.
"Of course, Rhea called me and asked me what to do. Jay and Rach were in the same situation as you. I called my mum from your phone because I didn't know what to do, Rhea stayed on the line. I needed my mum to tell me that it was going to be okay, that you would be fine" he says and he kisses me.
"I love you too by the way" he smiles.
"Matty I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you or our relationship." I say kissing him my eyes are watering and I can't believe I've risked our relationship.
I break away from him and he's crying too.
"I don't want to take risks with what we have. I love you so much" I say.
He kisses me again passionately. His hands are around my waist. I thank my lucky stars for having a man like him who sticks by me.
"Babe I should not have just let you out of my sight like that, next time be prepared to have me by your side the whole damn time." He laughs.
"Deal." I say smiling at him.
When we eventually leave the bed we end up showering together and kissing and hugging for far too long under the water. He rubs my back, and kisses my neck and tells me he loves me.
My contraceptive is on the doormat and has been posted so I place it on the table for consideration. We eat breakfast together and everything feels good again.
He texts his mum to tell her that I'm fine and she invites us over for dinner at the weekend.
We decide to have a day for just us, we are bunking again but to be fair we have been through an ordeal. We are milking Ross being in hospital aren't we? But we desperately need to do our shopping too. I ignore my phone completely. Apart from texting Rhea to let her know that I'm okay, she says we need to chat and I agree we do need a catch up. We plan on having a coffee in our free period tomorrow. I text Ross to let him know that I'm here if he needs me. And that's it. Jay has messaged me but I have not looked at it, I'll deal with that when I see him. I can't face talking to him right now.
He did not drug me knowingly. I know he didn't. He would not do that to me. I've admitted some stupid stuff to him about wanting him sexually and I think we're gonna have to iron that out, I'll talk to him in psychology or just after and I'll break away from him. I can't be around him too much. I'm sure he will be just fine with that.