"What do you want here?" I asked showing him by the tone of my voice that I was hurt.
"To see my patient..." He said looking at some kind of binder in his hands. He seemed to be busy with something more important. So I decided I would be more aggressive to get him to pay more attention to me.
"I don't need you!"
"I know that." He said calmly still looking focused at the binder, which made me even more irritated. But I wasn't going to give up that easily.
"Then why do you insist?"
"Out of obligation." He said, finally placing the binder on top of the dresser. "Believe me, I like it here as much as you do."
"You're a rat Gabriel! I don't know how you managed to be here..."
He gave a laugh, but I wasn't fooled. I saw that in his eyes shone the cold glint of anger.
"And for now you won't know my face. However, one thing I assure you, my steps were more honest than yours.... And much more decent!"
"What do you mean! You have no right to judge me! You know nothing of my life!"
"That's where you're wrong. I know everything. Your every step in every life and world you've lived in."
"How can you know when I don't even know myself?"
He was confused, it was as if he had said something without thinking and his answer came unsure.
"I am your doctor, I need to know everything that has occurred to you so I can give you the proper treatment..."
It didn't convince me, but I let it go. There was no use arguing with Gabriel.
"And what is that you brought in your hands?" I asked grudgingly, letting curiosity overcome pride.
"These are lists of some poisons that we find in some plants around here.... These are notes of the impressions of a researcher friend of mine."
"Are you interested in poisons? What for?"
"I am interested in everything around me. The poison of one of these plants can do us no harm, but I like to discuss with friends why these poisons exist. I like to be well informed about the effect they have on people living on other worlds."
"Do you intend to go back to some world and use poison on people?"
Gabriel rolled his eyes.
"It's merely a distraction, you paranoid girl. Nobody takes anything from here to wherever they go. Do you realize that children are born naked?" He asked wryly and rhetorically.
"Don't be so arrogant!"
"And don't you be so silly! You annoy me with your silly questions."
"And you annoy me with your presence! Is there some poison there so that I can take it and no longer be forced to look at your face?"
"Didn't you hear what I said? Those poisons have no effect on people here.
"That's too bad, isn't it?"
Gabriel stared at me for a moment. He looked thoughtful. Then the gleam in his eyes looked like someone who was close to revenge. And I had no idea how right I was in my interpretation.
"I just made a decision. Since the visit made you very moody I'm going to ban them for the time being." He said with a smile as if he had discovered a chest full of gold.
"You wouldn't dare! You can't do that!"
"It's already been decided and there'll be no more talk of it."
I was furious, but I kept the answer on my tongue, because willing it or not he had me in his hands. If I continued to fight him, I would lose. On the other hand, I had to acknowledge that I provoked him. I would treat him like a boring friend. Maybe that was what he deserved. And maybe he was what I deserved. Julio wouldn't want me to get involved with anyone until he got there. Which led me to remember my family. Would Gabriel have to account for everything he was doing to her someday?"
"Does the "doctor" know how my relatives are doing?"
"Didn't your visitors give you that information?"
"Sort of. I want to compare your information with theirs."
"They... They're fine."
"They're fine? Is that all you have to tell me? You want to know? I don't think you know anything and you're bluffing! Besides being a hypocrite, you're a big liar!" I said, despite the fact that I had made up my mind not to change my mind anymore. I regretted it almost immediately, so I decided to change the subject. After his answer.
"It's very hard to put up with you..." He said shaking his head obviously disgusted. "Why do you think I'm lying?"
"Because I think it's very hard for them to be okay.... They must be grieving..." I replied politely and he changed the tone of his voice as well.
"No one grieves forever."
"Yes, but I left their lives recently."
"Look, they are fine physically speaking. I don't know what you think, but we can't see their feelings."
"My father read my mind."
"You are no longer on earth and that leaves you subject to gifts that some of us have developed. Your family is not you, it doesn't work with them. And yet they can only read what is on the surface, what you are thinking at the moment."
We were both silent. I don't know what he was thinking, but I was pondering about everyone being able to visit my relatives but me. Suddenly something made me think about the past. If I lived other lives I must have known other fathers and mothers. This question always came to mind.
"How many lives have I really been through?" I asked to flourish what I had in mind to find out without him noticing.
"About four..." He answered grudgingly, but I didn't give up.
"And what did I do in those other lives? Who was I?"
"I can't tell you."
"What good is it then if you can't even clear up my doubts?"
"Look here young lady! It's not time yet! Stop bothering me with your useless questions!"
"Didn't you try to find out about your past lives?"
"I wish I hadn't..." He said with such bitterness in his voice that it moved me.
"What happened to make you think like that? It must have been something very bad..."
"I met... My destiny."
"It can't be that bad..."
Gabriel turned to the window, but didn't go there.
"The past hurts. It provides you to know your inner self. I tried to change in every life, but one person would never let me move on.... Always forcing me to go to the hot sky.... Always stopping me from moving on..."
"That sounds really horrible to me.... Who were these people who led you astray from the path of redemption?"
"They weren't people. It was a single person."
"But couldn't you ask not to be born into the same world as her?"
"I always made that request. But my destiny was not only with her, it was her."
"Gabriel, I am so sorry that it was a bad experience to find out about your past, but I don't think I will think the same of mine. And even if it is I want to know..."
"It's still early for you... But you will know. We all have to know at some point."
"Aren't you the very ones who say that time here is an insignificant matter?"
"How boring that woman is!" He said looking up. "Try to understand that if you are not in good emotional shape any contact with past and loved ones could be your downfall!"
"Will you ever tell me?" I asked ignoring the insult.
"You won't have to. When you are ready you will remember. I will take you to the place of memories."
"And when will I be ready?"
"When I decide."
"Why does it have to be you?" I already knew the answer, but I was determined to annoy him. He was stronger than me.
He stared at me with a glint of amusement in his eye that reminded me of the Gabriel I had met when I first arrived there.
"You don't know how many lifetimes I've taken asking myself the same question; why me?"
"Have you taken care of me other times?"
He denied shaking his head.
"You haven't answered me..."
"Because I am your doctor."
"Does that give you the power to decide my life? It doesn't make any sense."
"It really doesn't make sense now. When you are more lucid you will discover the reasons inside you why I am stuck here."
"Is that how it is with all your patients?"
"Like what?"
"Brute."
"Everyone gets the treatment they deserve."
I laughed. I thought something similar.
"I know... Do you have many patients?"
"A few."
"I would like to exchange ideas with them about our doctor..."
"You won't have that opportunity."
I could see he was enjoying himself. He was doing his best not to show it, but being with me did amuse him.
"Gabriel..."
"Yes?"
"I have a soul mate?"
"This concept of two souls being halves is something I still can't accept. I believe we are all soul mates of each other. But don't think about that now."
"But my father lives it here, so I believe it does exist. Will I ever meet mine?"
"I don't know yet." He said thoughtfully staring at some point, but I knew he saw nothing and was traveling in his ramblings.
"Do you know who he is?"
"Him who?"
"My soul mate."
"The unfortunate soul that is meant for you? I do. Shall we change the subject?"
"Ah Gabriel! Tell me, please..."
He gave a deep sigh and went to the window.
"I can't."
"Why?"
"He's not ready for you to know yet."
"He's here, isn't he?"
"Yes. He is."
"How do you know he's not ready for me to know yet?"
"I don't. He comes from distant times, with very heavy baggage..."
"Could it happen that I get confused?
He turned and faced me.
"Confuse?"
"Yeah. Falling in love with someone here and thinking I've found my soul mate?"
"Sure. That always happens here. People fall in love as if they were still in the world they came from, they seek anything that can connect them back to the place they came from.... But since passion is a carnal and superficial feeling, based on their own ideals, they soon grow tired and disillusioned with their partners."
"Has that ever happened to you?"
"No."
"Have you found your soul mate yet?"
"In the concept you believe in yes. Yes. But she is not something that completes me. Because I'm not half. I am whole."
"And where is she now?"
He stared at me coldly.
"Tormenting me. It's a habit she's picked up from the lives we've been in. I believe she can't help it, but you...You ask too much!" He said irritated, but I read in his eyes that he felt the same way I did. There was an energy that bound us together, attracted us. A powerful attraction. He knew it. Oh, how I envied the woman who was lucky enough to be his soul mate. I would not hold back to wait for Julio. If he didn't kill himself it might be decades before he got there. I was willing to enjoy myself while he didn't arrive.
"Are you attracted to other girls?"
"It depends..."
"On what?"
"What do you want to hear Liza?" He asked getting closer and dangerously close too close. He leaned over me. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he just spoke leaving his warm breath on my neck giving me shivers of pleasure. "Do you want to hear from my lips what you read in my eyes? That I want to rip you off this bed and make love to you every time you look at me with fury and desire? That I can't stand watching you eat me with your eyes and not being able to touch you?"
"Gabriel! It's nothing like that... I mean.
"Don't try to deny what is clear as day! You'll still have me, but it won't be like you think." He said and hurried out of the room.
I got up and went to the window to observe the perfect landscape and the people who completed that scenery. They seemed so right in that place. As if they were part of each other. Some wore strange clothes, some wore old clothes, some more modern ones, but they all seemed happy and talked carefree... I felt like going out to talk to the people, to breathe in another environment... But along with this desire came another much stronger one; that of lying down again. I was tired. I went back to bed and slept. When I woke up there was a tray on the nightstand. It was warm, as if it had just been placed there. I ate the whole thing, giving up trying to compare the taste of that delicacy with something I knew. From then on it was always like this. I didn't see anyone else, not even Gabriel. I always slept and when I woke up, there was a tray on the nightstand. I couldn't even realize how many days had passed like this. I began to feel bored. However, one day I woke up and there were several books along with the tray. I was happy to have something to do other than eat, brush my teeth and take a shower. A greater force kept me from going through that door...I thought about it several times, but a frightened and incomprehensible fear stopped me. So I stayed there. Trapped in the room by an irrational fear. I didn't even venture to try to open the door.
Days went by and I had read all the books. They all talked about what I was living. It was very important to me. One of them talked about the importance of understanding the adversities of life. I found a beautiful passage in one of them that went like this;
"Everyone who passes here will pass here alone.
No one can (and should not try to),
Walk in the same steps as another.
For each one has his own path.
Because we are unique and irreplaceable.
No one will ever be the same as anyone else."
I no longer felt as tired as before, nor as sleepy. This phase was over, and now I spent most of my time looking out the window. But soon I was back in bed. Although I felt better than when I arrived, an anguish burned in my chest, making me want to just lie there. I didn't understand why I felt so much anguish...
The door opened slowly and my heart leapt inside my chest. It was him, Gabriel! I hated myself when I realized that it was him that I missed the most. I felt a cruel joy when I saw him again. He had the tray in his hand and was closing the door slowly and carefully so as not to make noise. He hadn't realized that I was awake yet, and I resented the fact that he expected to find me asleep. When he finally turned around and saw that I was awake, he opened his most beautiful smile. He placed the tray on the nightstand and sat down on the bed.
"How is my lovely patient?" He asked wryly. I had even forgotten the warmth of his words.
"You must know better than I do. Aren't you the doctor here?
"What a sharp little tongue..."
"I'm learning from the best, I confess!.... You're a good teacher."
"Hmmm. I think my patient woke up in a bad mood."
"Bad mood?!" I got up out of bed indignantly. "You leave me here alone for days and days, with nothing to do or anyone to talk to, and you come to me in a bad mood?"
"Oh, come on. Every time you came in, you were asleep, so I'd rather not bother you. Especially since you are giving clear signs that you don't like me. And I can assure you that she's much more sociable when she's asleep and quiet." He said with a smile that made my heart go silly. But only I still had a brain and would act on what he said.
"How cynical you are! What about Dad, Alexia, Geisa and Antonio? Why haven't they come to visit me?"
"Oh yes! They came, but I said I needed some time alone and forbade visitors. Remember? I think I commented to you that I would do that..." He said, staring at me debauched.
I ran my hand through my hair in a nervous and extremely irritated gesture.
"I wouldn't do that. I said between my teeth.
Gabriel seemed to be having more fun than ever now. The smile wouldn't leave his face.
"You wouldn't. I did."
"You're nothing but a pimp." I said looking at him sideways and then turning to the window. For a moment I thought about jumping. Dying, I know I wouldn't.
"Do you really think so? Not everyone thinks so."
I was indignant and put on my slippers.
"I want to get out of this room. Now!"
He got up and went to the window.
"Go back to bed and be quiet like a good little girl."
"Don't treat me like a child! I don't want to be stuck in this place! I want to go out, walk, breathe fresh air..."
"You can do all the things you are saying, but not yet. You're too fragile..."
Ignoring him, I opened the door and as I was about to start the step to get out I couldn't find the floor. I looked down and all I saw was a huge black hole that seemed to have no bottom. I got dizzy and felt that I was going to fall, but Gabriel was quicker and held me to prevent me from falling. His touch woke me up and looking again at the ground I saw nothing but a carpet. I let go of his arms and very carefully removed the rug. To my surprise there was nothing there but the floor. Immediately I knew that it was some kind of spell from that evil angel.
"It was you, wasn't it?"
His response was the dawning of an amused and devilish smile. When I saw that he was reveling in my weaknesses, I couldn't help myself and started punching him and he was trying to restrain me by holding on to my wrists.
"What do you think you're doing to me, you cretin?"
He kept looking at me with a cold glint in his eye. A hidden, malevolent satisfaction. His lips moved in a sardonic smile. He seemed to love to see me desperate.
"You're crazy..." He said laughing.
"Crazy?!" I drew strength, I don't even know where from, and let go of his hands. "You lock me in here, forbid my visits, isolate me from everything and everyone, treat me with total contempt, and I'm the crazy one here?"
"You are not a prisoner of me, but of your longings, your fears and feelings. Did you not see the weakness you had when you tried to leave the room? Do you still want to blame me for a crime I didn't commit?"
"But what are you saying? I must really be crazy, or the messages coming into my brain are escaping along the way and arriving incomplete.... Or you are trying to make me really crazy. Is this your plan? Nothing you feel can imprison me as you say, for I am very reasonable. I said knowing that my voice came out threatening.
"Liza, you have to understand your own feelings in order to master them. Here you are protected, out there you are not. There, you will hear whining that could harm your evolution if you don't have absolute control over your emotions."
"Don't be cynical, Gabriel! All you wish is to torment me. Nothing you do is for my good, so stop using this stupid justification."
He rolled his eyes showing impatience.
"You know what, I have a patient who has a lot of dolls. I will ask you to grant her some."
"Don't you dare treat me like a child!"
"Then don't act like one! Everything I try to put in your head you throw back in my face. You make it very difficult for me to treat you by acting like this."
"Is all this irony your way of treating your patients?"
"Only the attractive women..."
"And do you have many of them?" I asked with a feeling I didn't know yet rising inside me.
"A few... But don't worry, now you are one of them..." He said with a smile so debauched that the feeling exploded in my chest.
I couldn't stand it. The jealousy that I didn't even know existed inside of me blinded me, and losing control I lunged at him and pulled his hair. We started a little fight in which he kept asking me to let go. I didn't. In an attempt to get me to let go, he threw me on the bed, but it was useless, as I held him by the hair and took him with me. He fell on top of me and we ended up in a very compromising position with his lips just inches from mine.
"Let me go..." He asked breathlessly.
"No." I refused also panting, but I knew it wasn't from the effort I made....
Then what I had wanted for a long time happened.... He kissed me. It was such a different kiss... This one said so many things conveyed so many feelings... I had never felt so much in a kiss.
The hands that before pulled my hair, responding to a hidden order of desire, became caressing... I will never forget this day. For it was on that day that I discovered that I loved Gabriel in spite of the sadness, because according to Dad in his words, the love that fills the emptiness of hearts is only that which is lived between soul-mates. Therefore, I was in a losing battle. What I felt for Julio was nowhere near what I felt now.
In a second the situation changed and he became more aggressive, his once gentle lips became possessive and demanding. I felt his member stiffen and received it as a caress.
It made me want him even more. His hands reached inside my shirt and found my breasts, holding them like trophies. In an instant I was naked in his arms, but when I tried to unzip him he pulled away. He stood up and only then did I realize that he was dressed and I was naked. I felt ashamed and covered myself with the sheet before looking at him inquiringly and frustrated by the promise of love that was not consummated.
He smiled. That wicked smile. He walked over to the window, standing with his back to me.
"Get dressed."
I couldn't stop the tears that welled up from rolling down my face. Without saying a word I got dressed and sat down on the bed, but the tears would not stop. For a moment we were almost lovers. And I didn't know that I wanted it so much. The worst thing was that it seemed to be different for him. Like I was just another distraction in his path. "There were others" a voice inside my brain reminded me. Maybe he was already tired that day to.... To do what I wished he would do....
He turned and stared at me, contempt stamped on his expression and in his cold, indifferent eyes at my suffering. I couldn't sustain that look of contempt. I bowed my head. It would be almost impossible to bear him now that he had discovered my desire for him. It was also a discovery for me. I could understand his father now. His mother was far away. I stayed a few minutes trying to convince myself, in vain, that it was only because Julio was away.