Suddenly I felt sick with dizziness and nausea. I thought about calling Gabriel back to tell him what I was feeling, but I gave up. After all I could be sure of one thing; I would not die because I was feeling this way. I lay down and started to remember Mom, and the tears started to fall heavily. I thought about my fiancé and without realizing it, I began to compare him to Gabriel. An illogical comparison, of course. Julio and I were happy, we never fought. He was the synonym of friendship, kindness, understanding, human warmth... Gabriel, on the other hand, was coarse, pretentious, arrogant, had eyes of an incomparable green, beautiful skin... I stopped. What was I doing? I punched the pillow. Why did I have to think about him all the time? After all, he was a stranger... Suddenly I remembered our conversation and was intrigued... Why did that question move him so much? Could it be that he had not yet come to terms with being there? How long could it be that he had arrived there? There were so many unanswered questions... Then I understood that I really didn't know anything about him other than his name... And it was thinking about Gabriel that I fell asleep again.
I woke up hearing voices. I didn't open my eyes, pretending I was still asleep, because I recognized Antonio and Gabriel's voices, they seemed to be arguing and the subject was someone I suspected, was me.
"Are you sure you should leave her in my care?" It was Gabriel's voice. It sounded threatening.
"Gabriel..."
"You should have warned me it was her! You gave me your information, but you left out who it was! I never imagined that in a distraction, she would be brought here.... And I am very surprised at your decision to put her under my care, knowing what I think and feel... Are you so foolish as to believe that any good will come of this? The ending can and probably will disappoint you."
"You talk as if you know something about her."
. "I'm not an idiot! I've been waiting for her too long for our reckoning, and I find out I was dealing with her in an interview.... Of course I recognized her as soon as I learned her name."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Why do you still try to hide it? I feel like it's her. The instant connection I had with her now makes sense..."
"You must not hold so many grudges..."
"Of course. It's easy to talk to those who haven't suffered everything I've suffered. But you're right. I shouldn't hold my grudges. I'll just throw them at her and watch the outcome, just like you're making me a lab rat."
"Actually I thought you'd be happy to see her up close." Antonio said revealing at last that Gabriel was right about the person they were talking about.
"Of course I was happy! But not for the reasons you believe.... And on the other hand, it means that with her presence here, the time has come for me to return to some world, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. In fact, I don't want that."
"Fear not. Everything will work out."
"I don't think so... You know all I've been through to get here.... Everything she put me through! I don't want to have to go through it all again. I don't want it to happen again."
"I understand. But now you've reached another spiritual level, I think it's unlikely you'll regress. They won't make the same mistakes forever. You know well that this cycle has to stop..."
"It's not quite like that."
"Sure it is! Think! This is the first time they have met here in the colony. Every time they switched bodies they only found themselves in the hot sky or in the midst of torment on some world. It is obvious that there has been a great progression. You have to try to see this change as something good..."
"But I still have a lot of negative feelings. I feel like hurting her, to make her feel every pain I went through, just imagining that she is near me again.... She came so they could test me didn't she?"
"You make a big mistake thinking like that. This obsession and hatred of yours will only end up destroying yourself. Treat her with kindness..."
"She has destroyed me so many times!" Gabriel interrupted him. "Now it's my turn!"
"Don't you understand that everything you do against her will hurt you too? Understand once and for all that this is not the way! Don't let hate direct your attitudes, but allow the love that is there inside to free you. Whatever you do against her will reflect on you..."
"Stop it! It's a matter of honor to destroy! I am used to pain, after having lived with it so many times and for so long! Since you care so much, find someone else to take care of her."
"Unfortunately I can't, it's a directly heavenly order. But think carefully about what you are going to do. You are a good spirit, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Take loving care of her without letting past hurts poison you. You are confused now, by the excitement of seeing her again, without expecting it. But this mission is too important for your return."
"Don't talk to me about coming back!"
"Sooner or later you will have to talk about it. Maybe who knows she will help you?
I felt them moving away so I opened my eyes. I was very confused to find that that was not where they were talking even though they seemed to be on my side. Maybe they were in another room, or in the corridor, or maybe even in another wing? I don't know the extent to which we have a sense of hearing here. I was sorry they weren't there, because I was curious to know who they were talking about, it could be me, but they didn't mention any names. Some things he had said led me to believe that I was that person. When he heard my name, he had changed a lot. He was no longer the same.
The door opened and I thought it was Gabriel, but fortunately it was Dad, Geisa and another woman I didn't know. My heart filled with joy and I ran and hugged them.
"So glad you came!"
"Well? How is my daughter feeling?"
"Better now with you here." I said looking at the girl who was accompanying them.
We walked to the bed where Dad helped me cover up. I took the opportunity to watch him. For some reason he was nervous. I saw when he turned to the girl and gave her a curious look. Geisa was standing in a corner, looking distant and thoughtful. The girl with them was about my age. She was very pretty and tall.
"Liza..."
"Daddy, aren't you going to introduce me to the girl?"
"Sure." He walked over to her and taking her hand brought her closer.
"My name is Alexia." She said extending her hand, before Daddy could say anything. I accepted her hand suspiciously.
"Nice name as well as you." I said sincerely.
"Thank you."
"Daughter... Alexia and I... Well, we have known each other from other lives.... E..."
"I see." I said lowering my head. I didn't want to hear what I suspected as soon as I saw her.
"Do you mind Liza?" She asked looking worried about my reaction.
"And why should I care?" I said with tears in my eyes.
"Then why are you crying?" Inquired Alexia approaching me and sitting on the bed.
"I'm sorry... I couldn't help it..."
"You remembered Mom, didn't you?"
We all looked at Geisa, who was entering the conversation for the first time.
"Yes, my sister, I did remember her. I miss her... Do you still remember her?"
"Of course! But I see her all the time..."
"How?" I asked puzzled by that information.
Geisa looked at Dad as if apologizing to him.
"I have to go." She said and ran off.
I wanted to ask Dad how Geisa could see Mom. But I felt that there was a very tense atmosphere in the air and prefer to keep quiet about this subject for now. I decided that I would go back to the previous subject and then I would ask Geisa for an explanation of what she had said.
"I hope you don't resent me, Alexia, it's just that... Well, it's nothing against you, but Mom believes that when she dies she will be with Dad. I know it's silly, I even tried to talk her out of it, but she won't listen to anyone when it comes to that... But you know, deep down, I believed this too, and I keep thinking about her disappointment when she comes here and sees Dad loving another woman. I would be furious in her place and as her daughter I feel disappointed... I can well imagine how she will feel as if it were me..."
"Your mother is not alone. We are always sending her comfort with much affection." Alexia said tenderly and that disarmed Liza. "We don't command our hearts. I'm sure that if your father had a choice he would choose to love her the way he loves me. But the love that unites us is unique. It is special and you are close to understanding that, because you will find your love too.... Your father didn't stop loving your mother. He only discovered in me a different love..."
"I don't doubt that." I said sincerely. "But I really am very loyal. I will never make Julius come here and find me in the arms of another after having waited for me for many years. That is cowardice. No amount of love will make me change my mind. My character is one. Dad has lived happily without this kind of love he feels for you and could continue to do so. Staying with you is indeed his choice. And that choice involves someone else's pain..."
"You see, things are similar here, but they work a little differently. The love that your father feels for your mother can never be erased or forgotten because it is fundamental that we love each other. When he was on Earth he felt for his mother the carnal loves common to all human beings. And he was faithful to this love and still is. What has changed now is that he found the spiritual love that is what completes us. Today we are united and have become a single being, that is, we are complete now. We were divided so that we might know emptiness and turn to the Divine Master, always seeking Him and loving each other. Thus we tried to fill the emptiness and fulfill the commandment, and now we meet again to progress together. If there are no pending issues on either side. And I love your mother very much who has gifted you with devout, pure and true love. It's not wrong to love Liza. But it is wrong to stop living a love because of a person who awakens in another a different kind of affection. Your father and I live another kind of love. It's something deeper... And your mother will love the person who is already waiting for her as soon as she sees her. She will understand immediately that the love for her father is not what she is really looking for. It's not what she was expecting. And that will happen as soon as she sets foot here..."
"How can you be part of each other and your ages blatantly mismatch? You are so much younger than Daddy! You must be about nineteen..."
"That's because when we were split up we went in different directions and our mistakes caused us to go back and forth in different worlds and at different times. I have been here for over forty years waiting for your father, but I have been waiting for him for over two hundred years. We are what you call soul mates.
Alexia spoke with such warmth and tenderness that I was infected. How a good person could console us so much just with her words? It was all so magical... But I couldn't help but wonder who would comfort Mom. Would I still be there when this moment came? I hoped so.
Daddy approached and taking Alexia's hand helped her to her feet.
"We have to go now."
"Will you come back to visit me?" I asked worriedly at the urgency in Dad's voice.
"Of course, dear."
"Daddy before you go I'd like you to clear up some doubts for me if it won't slow you down, of course."
"What doubts? It's Gabriel's job to clear you up."
"Well, he doesn't... Are we in paradise to begin with?
"No. Not yet. We are in a place where we call the Colony. Some call it temperance heaven. But the meaning is the same. We are where we need to be to see relatives again, or to go to some world. The reasons vary as one spends one's days here..."
"And we are here because we were not good enough to be in heaven?"
"No. Get the idea of paradise out of your head. We are here to review our loved ones and if necessary return to the earthly home, in whatever world that may be, to redeem ourselves from our mistakes. As I have already told you. It is also important that we meet our soul mate here so that we can live without the endless cycle of coming and going. There are three stages for us to live in this place prepared for those who deserve it, and one of them is that we live in the various worlds that surround us, several times until we correct every detail and become worthy of entering this place reserved for us. Only a life of love and humility can take us out of the comings and goings of the various worlds. Because first we need to learn to forgive ourselves in order to love each other. This is the most difficult phase because you don't come out of it easily. There is always something that is owed. The creditor sooner or later pays the one who is owed. The second phase is here where you will receive a task, except for a few exceptions, only if you are not a debtor and have to return to some world, but it is not forbidden to have a task by any means, but if you have to return it is good to focus on that. This task that you yourself will choose, or be chosen for, must be fulfilled with love and good will, and as soon as you are reunited with your soul mate you will be able to reach the third stage, which is the long-awaited altar where the throne of God is. And to get there perfect and without emptiness it is necessary to have your other half. Remembering that there is an emptiness in us that can only be filled by Him. You will know when you miss Him and only Him. On that day you will be ready to go and live forever in peace and harmony.
"Got it... But then... Why are you still here? Are you going to return to some world? After all, you have tasks here... And according to your own words, those who have a task do not need to return... Do you already feel the emptiness of which you spoke?"
"I am here because I intend to see all my loved ones for the last time, because once this phase is over, we will never meet again. Even though we are kindred souls and will be connected for all eternity... And yes. I already feel the emptiness. But it is not something that hurts. It is something that I lack. I can resist it until the time is right..."
"You know, I know I may sound selfish, but after I discovered my new situation, I wished they would all come here where they would no longer feel pain or die to leave those around them distressed..." I said thoughtfully as Papa's words made no sense to me.
"You are wrong my child. There is pain and loneliness here. There is doubt and rejection. There are fears and all the feelings common to us humans."
"And don't the people who are here look forward to changing stages? To get out of that cycle once and for all?"
"Not really. Some think that because they have eternity ahead of them they don't care.... Some even return to the last place they came from unnecessarily."
"You don't seem to approve of them."
"I really don't. They are here to move on and prepare for a new time, a new stage, new feelings.... This going backwards is not a good thing..."
"And I didn't believe in reincarnation..."
"As I said before there is a cycle that must be fulfilled. If that cycle was interrupted by something you did and not by the Divine Master's will you will have to come back to finish that cycle. It doesn't matter what you or other people call it. That's why many times a child is born with cancer and with a few years dies or even months or weeks, it's just an example, to shorten as much as possible his time on earth and fulfill his interrupted cycle almost at the end, remembering that this is a choice of the person himself that after knowing the colony does not want to stay away from here for a long time."
"You mean I can still return?"
"To Earth? In a body?"
"Of course! And how else would it be?"
"In spirit. For I believe you will no longer return to any world. But I may be wrong and you may decide.... Or be needed... We cannot walk certain of anything in this place. What happens here is unpredictable."
"Why not? I still don't feel the emptiness you spoke of.... And I'm still very confused. I like Earth. My life there was very good..."
"The emptiness will not be felt by you until you are ready. Don't ask me when you will be ready because I don't know the answer. It comes suddenly... I may be wrong and you haven't finished your cycle yet, but I hope so.... Perhaps because I wish you no longer to go through the torment of death I hope that it is over for you as it is for me. After all you are my daughter and I wish the best for you."
"Father, you don't know what is best for me. I do. And I want to go back there. Not years from now, but now. Can I go there in spirit anyway?"
"Absolutely."
"And when will that be?"
"Only your doctor can tell you."
"But Dad, I'm fine now..."
"I'm sorry Liza, but only your doctor will be able to judge if your psychological state is ready to see the people you love again without suffering an emotional shock that could compromise your evolution or even your stay here."
"I see..." I mumbled dejectedly crossing my arms. Not understanding anything really.
"I am receiving appeals from our brothers.... I need to go immediately! As soon as it is possible I will return." He said and left accompanied by Alexia who said goodbye with a smile.
I have never felt so alone as I did at that moment. Could this be how I would spend eternity? Always alone? Depending on Gabriel to do anything?
I heard a knock on the door and soon after Gabriel entered.
"How is my favorite patient doing?"
If I hadn't overheard his conversation with Antonio I would really believe he was really worried. I picked up the pillow and threw it at him angrily. He looked at me confused as he picked the pillow up off the floor. I knew I was being childish and taking out all my frustration on him. But it was unavoidable. As if I was forced to act on my most irrational impulses.
"Get out of here! I don't want to see you! You bastard! Fake! I hate you!"
"Hey... Wait a minute! What did I do?" he asked with confusion in his gaze.
"You're nothing but a hypocrite!"
"Why do you say that?"
"And why do you pretend to care about me?"
"I don't pretend. I really don't. I didn't tell you that I care, did I?"
Those words were like a cold shower of water on my anger.
"Then why did you ask..."
"How was it? It's a custom. Why should I care? It means nothing to me."
A tear rolled down my cheek, despite my effort not to show how much those words annihilated me, left me utterly weakened. I shouldn't have attacked him. I knew that he treated me like this because he considered me a spoiled child. He saw me as a child and as such did not take my words seriously. Thinking about this made me even more furious.