° Julia °
_________________
The ride to Steven's hometown was not what I was expecting. I was unnecessarily worried about being awkward, having a 2 hour long ride with Enzo.
What would we talk about?
What would I do if he brings up the binocular incident?
All the what ifs in my head, never manifested as reality, and I couldn't be more thankful about that.
He put on some music and somewhere in the midst of the playlist, 'Permission to dance' by BTS started playing and I couldn't stop myself from singing along. What surprised me was Enzo singing along one or two lines at the time of the chorus. I had no idea he listens to k-pop. I asked him if he does and he said,"not really a 'fan' fan."
I raised my eyebrow asking for further explanation, and he continued,
"Well, there was this patient. A little girl. She used to listen to kpop and her favorite band was BTS. When I asked her how she likes to unwind and relax after a long day, she said she listens to these songs. And then she proceeded to play one for me. This was the song, and I don't really listen to a lot of music, but the smile she had while singing along with it, much like the smile you had a few minutes ago, it stuck with me. And later that night, when I was tired, I put on the same song and it kind of worked. I felt good."
"You said, she was a patient? What was she visiting you for?"
"She has DID. Dissociative identity disorder. I'm sorry, but I can't share any more information about her."
"You're a psychologist?"
"Yes. You sound surprised!"
"I just thought you're a regular doctor."
"Oh. Well, now you know."
"I'm sure you're amazing at what you do. It's tough work, and I know I could never."
"I won't say I'm amazing, I try!"
"Now you're just being modest. Because of people like you, so many people have a reason to not give up. And I think that's the most amazing thing in the world. You have the coolest job ever. I mean- I'm sure you must have to see a lot, and it must be hard at times, but I on the behalf of all other people, want to tell you that you're awesome for handling all of that!"
"wow.." he says almost in a whisper.
"thank you, really. No one has ever told me that. I mean the patients do. And that's what I care about the most. But other people, they say 'oh you talk to people for a living!' and it's good to hear that unlike those people, there are others who do know what it is. And it means even a lot more, because it's you who it's coming from."
"Trying to butter your date up, Dr. Torres?"
He suppresses his giggles and looks out of the window, and I don't know why that tiny action of his makes me blush and so I turn up the volume of the music.
...
I've been trying to fix Lily's hair updo for almost an hour now, but each time I adjust it in a different way she has to comment something she doesn't like about it.
We arrived at 11am and the wedding ceremony starts at 2pm. Guests will be arriving in another hour or so and I am still in my sweatshirt.
"Lily I swear to God, if you scrunch your nose one more time about my process. I'll give up on your hair and you'll have to put that fruit tiara you dreamt about, on your head."
"Okay. Okaaaaay.." she looks back at my face, "I don't know if I'm the bride or you. You're more stressed than I am."
"That's because my two best friends are getting married, who also happen to be the biggest nutjobs in the entire world."
She tilts her head and I hold her face in my hands. "I can't let anything ruin your day, alright." I kiss her forehead and she looks into the mirror after that, "this looks good actually!" she says looking at me through the mirror.
"I know. You look perfect." I smile at our reflection in the mirror.
"Now help me with my dress and then you can go dress up yourself."
I put her in the dress after what seemed about half an hour of struggling. That dress is so heavy, I don't know how she's going to handle it during the dance.
"You sure you can dance in it?"
"Oh you mean, just the first dance, yes sure."
"What do you mean 'just the first dance'?"
"I mean, after they get a bunch of photos of me in this dress in the first dance, I'm taking it off and putting on that one." she points towards another dress in the wardrobe. It's another white gown, but a light one. The kind that hugs your body perfectly. Plain and elegant with little diamonds on the neck line.
"Lily, that's gorgeous."
"So am I, darling." she fake flips her hair and we laugh.
...
It took me an hour and a half but I finally got ready. The wedding's about to begin soon and I should be there in 10 minutes. I come out of the room to see Enzo standing at a table talking to some people. Did he even know them?
His eyes fell on me and what seemed to be, was that his hands tightened on the glass he was holding which almost made the wine spill.
I look at him and wave. He excuses himself from the men and walks to me. When he gets closer he moves his eyes from below upwards, slowly as if drinking me in. And that makes me feel all kinds of feelings...
Shut it Julia, you have a wedding to attend, I say to myself.
"I must say, I hit the jackpot on the wedding date lottery." he moves forward and that makes me blush.
"Dr. Enzo, if you won't be careful with your words, I'd almost have to believe that you're flirting with me."
"Should I stop?" he asks his eyes fixed on mine.
Oh boy, I wasn't expecting this to be so tough...
"I - never said that..."
He is clearly enjoying this- watching me be nervous. His lips twitch. He knows what he is doing. And I'm letting him, because right now I just wanna forget about everything.
The voice in my head, always hesitating, questioning every action of mine. Even after all of that overthinking, did I not get hurt? I did. Always. So, why listen to it and increase my internal conflicts. Today's the day I hear to myself instead of that anxious voice inside me.
"So you're telling me, to not stop?"
"Uh huh. I'm your date. Ain't I? You claimed it so this morning. So isn't it only fair, for you to be flirty?"
He smiles. It's an assuring and proud smile as if he was testing if I'd stop him or not. Proud, because he knows that I liked it, he just wanted to see if I'd admit. And I did. And I said assuring, because it felt as if he was happy about it, and he wanted me to know that I did right. And I do feel good about it. About listening to my guts for the first time in a long long while.
"Yes. You are. You are mine," his voice permeates right through me, "Date I mean. You're my date. And I assure you, I won't stop. But first, you have a wedding to attend."
I get my thoughts together and smile at him. I feel happy. I feel calm.
I don't know why but I haven't had an attack since the day he made me laugh on the stairways.
His mere presence has a strange calming effect on me. Just like the peppermint candies.
I don't know, why! Maybe it's because he's a psychologist. Is that a valid reason? I don't know. I mean it's not like he had talked with me to calm me down.
We have talked only a few times here and there on the staircase, in the elevator once or twice, the wordless interactions on my balcony when he sipped his morning coffee and I was out watching the sun come up, and the last one with Lily setting us up on this date, but all of those interactions felt natural and calm even when I embarassed myself with my clumsiness. I avoided him, thinking he would bring it up. But he never did. Maybe he was being polite, or maybe not. Maybe he understands. And to have someone understanding me, was a big deal to me. I didn't have many people in my life who did that, except Lily and Steven.
"Miss Morias?" someone interrupted.
"Yes?"
"They're asking for you. The ceremony is beginning in 5 minutes." the person announced.
"Let's go, Mr. Date. Oh, sorry Dr. Date. Shall we?" I said and Enzo followed.
...
..
The wedding took place and they had their first dance.
My best friends got married. The day went by so fast, and it's almost the end of it. Everyone's on the dance floor, partying, drinking and having fun, and here I am, wondering if I'll ever have the kind of love that doesn't question, just accepts. And where the heck did Enzo go? So much of talk about not stopping and shit, just to ditch me here.
"Drinks, ma'am?"
"No, thanks." I say without even looking back.
"But, I heard your date ditched you. Can't I be of any help? I'm sure I can."
I look back to see Enzo.
"Very funny. Where did you go, in the middle of the ceremony? I looked for you when they were having the dance. Some weird woman, sent a guy, who asked me to dance, thinking I'm some poor girl without a date. This is why I hate this whole system. Why can't I just dance by myself?" I rant. I have had 2 drinks and here I am, tipsy and ranting to this man, thinking I don't know what. Am I even thinking anything right now? I'm not drunk, I'm aware of my behaviour and I must not drink more.
He looks at me with such interest, as if I'm reading poetry.
"I must admit. It's not that I don't like regular Julia. But, I think I prefer tipsy Julia more. She speaks her mind. She's carefree."
"Where were you?" I ask, "also did you just say you like me?"
"No- " he sits beside me and hands me another drink, "I said something entirely different than that." I take the drink from him, and keep it beside me.
"I got a call from work. It was urgent. I had to take care of it. I'm sorry for leaving without informing."
"Work call, even on a day off?"
"It was about a project I'm working on. I shouldn't be sharing this with other people, but it's you, so I'll say. There are a few kids, who were rescued from an abusive orphanage. They all are traumatized and I've been taking care of them. They all are very strong though. They believe that they're going to have a better future. Anyways, we had filed a case on them, and they called in and said something about having a way to finally have a win in the next trial."
I look at him to see that his eyes were fixed on the sea in front of us, yet they were filled with hope. He looked happy. He looked passionate about it. There's something so pure about people giving themselves in completely for something from which they had nothing to gain.
I feel the urge to hold his hand, but that would be too much, for me, for him. So I hold back. I move my eyes from him and say,
"It's okay, I forgive, but only because you look cute."
He looks at me and I at him.
"Did you just call me 'cute'?" He looked at me like I had said something strange.
"Yeah, why?"
"It's just -"
I laugh at him being all awkward and he looks down. "I'm so drunk, right now." he makes an excuse.
"Gosh.. Look who's blushing!" I tease and gulp down that drink.
"Hey, I'm not blushing. Stop laughing." He says in defense and coughs to look serious about it, and fails. Terribly.
"Whaaat? It's only fair, taking into account how much you make me blush, and feel a cluster of butterflies." I spit out....
And regret as soon as it leaves my mouth.
Damn it!
I don't know how I gather the courage to do so, but I look at him, and he says something that I take a fair deal of time to process, he says,
"And that's what I intend to do, Miss Morias. Seeing those cheeks turn red, and those eyes wandering here and there, hesitant whether to look into mine, is the most fascinating thing to me ever. If I could just know what makes you feel so, I would do that all day, just so I could see you blush, seeing you nervous around me." He looks into my eyes and I look away.
"Exactly like that." he sighs.
I have no idea what to reply so I just sit there and look at him looking at me.
"Julia, are you not coming?" Steven's voice pulls me out of the trance, and I startle.
"Uh, no, Stev. You have fun. I'll stay here."
He looks at Enzo and then gives me a look. And I stare back at him with a look, which makes him leave. He whistles while he walks away.
"They're best friends, aren't they?" Enzo asks after Steven leaves.
"Yes, since college."
"I often wonder what it is to find love in a person you've always known!" he looks into my eyes, as if he's searching for an answer in them.
"I'm sure it's- like 'home'."
I say looking at the stars in the sky.
It's a starry night. The sky is so clear. I don't even have to search for the stars and the constellations. I can see them. There it is, The Ursa Major. I look at it. 'Home'- I think to myself- the word over and over.
I still can feel his eyes on me though. And it's a bit intense to feel such emotions, that I thought I won't feel ever. I have no idea what it is.
"It's so beautiful. The sky. The stars. I don't know why, but it's the only thing that I can think of, when I say the word 'home'...."
I say, and look at him to see him still looking at me, with eyes full of- I don't know what! It's the kind of thing, which is hard to describe without writing an entire poem about it. So, I decide to look away,
"I just wanna drink up all the beauty of it. It just feels like 'home'..y'know!"
I say, and without looking up at the stars he says,
"I know."