It was about the time I was pinching a fox-girl's nipples in order to kill a minotaur that I realized how very weird my life had become.
In between my companion's groans (punctuated, of course, by a near-constant barrage of verbal abuse that eroded what little was left of my self-confidence), I vaguely remembered the time before all this began, when I wasn't required to stimulate girls who loathed me on a cellular level.
See, I was just like you, once. Y'know. Horny, alone, broke, and possessed of a perverted disposition that automatically flags you on several FBI watchlists. My bedroom was adorned with posters of half-naked anime girls, and I had shelves worth of well-worn and well-loved doujinshi right next to an ample supply of tissues.
Y'know, totally normal.
And one of those very, very normal times, when I was finally alone in the house, I decided to do a very, very normal thing. The type of thing a normal guy does with a normal amount of silence and suitable Wi-Fi download speeds.
Yes, I—I'm talking about wanking off. Why'd you have to make it weird? I was trying to be poetic!
Well, anyway, one of those times, I was browsing a favorite website of mine, when I saw a rather interesting advert. I know that you're not supposed to click them, but honestly, with the amount of hentai I watch, I think my PC has built up some sort of immunity to Russian-made viruses.
"COMMAND A HAREM!" the advertisement promised, accompanied by a GIF of a big-breasted blonde doing a full ahegao-face. It looked interesting, what can I say? Not all h-games are inherently smutty trash, I'll have you know! The storyline is very important to why the main character needs to bang them all!
So there I was sitting on my bed, one hand down my boxers, the other hand on my keyboard—
—and the next, I was sitting on the floor of a church. A dozen or white-robed nuns surrounded me, and light filtered through a colorful glass vane overhead.
"Welp," I thought to myself. "It's finally happened. God has struck me down. In my defense, the website clearly said that all characters were over the age of—"
"Our prayers have been answered! The savior has arrived!"
One of the nuns dropped to her knees and lifted her hands in rapture. The others followed suit, falling to the ground around me.
"Our summons worked! Look how shamelessly he chokes his chicken, right in front of us!"
Hey, that's uncalled for. You were the ones who brought me here!
In any case, I slowly removed my hand from my boxers. If I really was about to meet God and face my eternal punishment, I was only making my case worse.
"O' Pariah of Perversion, you have graced our world!"
I furrowed my brow.
Perversion?! Now hold on a sec, that's a bit much. Sure I'm into inseki bondage hentai but I mean, that's just the logical next step from vanilla!
I cleared my throat and looked around at the nuns, who were still in various stages of rapture and/or possibly orgasm (hard to tell, religious fervor all looks the same to me).
"Ah—I think there's been a misunderstanding," I ventured, keenly aware that I was still sitting topless in my boxers, surrounded by clergy of the good book. "I was—I was just busy, y'know, so, if we can hurry up with the punishment…?"
"Punishment!"
"Oh, the Pariah of Perversion wants to proceed directly to punishment!"
"He truly is as wicked as the legends say!"
The nuns all squirmed about, their faces flushed. On closer inspection, I realized that something was distinctly wrong with their habits. Forget Mother Theresa, these girls weren't wearing virginal robes—the robes were actually leather dresses, pressed tight against their body.
The longer I looked the more I realized these so-called nuns (well, to be fair, I was the one who'd called them that, but let's just roll with it) looked less like holy women and more like BDSM practitioners.
I started getting a very bad feeling in my gut, and a very different type of feeling in my pants. What can I say? A dick's gonna be a dick.
"Lord of Lust, please, demonstrate your powers on me!"
"No, on me!"
"I have nipple clamps!"
"No, use this whip!"
"Gah—?! What is wrong with you women?!"
I fell back and scooted away as the leather-clad weirdos started pulling various sex toys from within their clothes, some of them already pre-lubricated, which was both alluring and deeply disturbing.
"Listen!" I said, raising my hands, "I just want to go home, back to my bed, where I can finish jerking off! Is that such a hard thing to ask?!"
"I'm afraid you can't go home, Pariah. We have great need of you."
A deep and comforting voice spoke from behind me, and I turned to see a middle-aged man with a bald head. He wore actual robes of office, all velvet and red, probably making him some kind of bishop. At least he looked more sensible than these women, who were holding their whips and clamps with an expectant look in their eyes.
"I'm sure you have plenty of questions, so let me get straight to the point," the bishop said, smiling kindly at me.
Thankfully we spoke the same language. I don't think my mouth was making the usual movements, but I assumed some magical effect was taking place. Thank god for reading so many isekai novels! I can skip about three chapters worth of world building and setup! Now, where was I? Oh—
The reason I've been summoned…
"The reason you have been summoned—"
Is to defeat the Demon Lord…
"—is to defeat the Demon Lord—"
Totally called it. These plots are all so unoriginal—
"—by making her orgasm."
"...Whatthefuckdidyousay?!?!"