The first step on our grand adventure had begun!
Glory awaited us beyond the horizon, where legendary battles would carve our names into the annals of history, and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity to this land. I was the Pariah of Perversion, summoned to this world to slay all manner of terrifying monster—
"—ARGH WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING?!"
I laid down, tried not to cry, and cried.
"Pyu? Pyu-pyu!"
A gelatinous mass wobbled gently against my head. If I closed my eyes tight, I could almost imagine that my body was being engulfed by jiggly breasts. Yeah, smothered to death in the gentle embrace of MILF-y tits, that was the way to go…
"Pyu? Pyuuuuuuu!!!"
"Will you seriously just FUCK OFF?"
I stood up and kicked the Slime (Level 1), which gave a pitiful "Pyuuuuu?!?!" shriek as it splattered into a sweet-smelling nectar. Half a dozen little blobs all shuffled around the puddle and began crooning for their fallen comrade. A Slime (Level 2—a real tough one!) wobbled in salute as the puddle melted into the dirt.
Godspeed, little slime. Godspeed.
A group of local children ran up to me, armed with sticks, and began prodding the Slimes into buckets. With sad little "Pyuu~" noises, the Slimes were successfully rounded up by the local branch of the child-labor brigade, and hauled away for sale.
"—So basically, these things are the most pathetic enemy you can get?"
I sighed and turned back to Rio and Davonius, who were idly playing a card game that involved a suspiciously large amount of 8-sided dice. The kitsune swordsman huffed and glared up at me (signature tsun-tsun scowl, unlocked!).
"Well, what did you expect? We're right outside the safest town in the kingdom—of course all the enemies will be low-level. This isn't a Souls-like, y'know."
"Do you even know what that word means?!"
I pointedly turned away and watched as a Slime pyuuuu-ed itself away from a vicious looking seven-year-old with a stick. Honestly, I was starting to feel bad for the little guys. In an attempt to escape, one of the Slimes wobbled up to me, barely reaching shin-height, and started making pathetic "Pyuuu~" noises.
I reached down and patted the little guy, trying to ignore the sticky residue it left on my hand.
"What even are these things anyway? And why are there so many of them?"
Davonius—whom I'd learned was something of a walking monster encyclopedia—gave a reply in a deep, rumbling voice. His tone was soothing and rich, calm and knowledgeable—a sort of axe-wielding adventurer-Morgan Freeman.
"Slimes are the vaginal discharge from the Demon Lord's attempts to masturbate."
Sigh. There goes all my respect for Morgan Freeman.
The vaginal Slime wobbled against my shin. Its off-white color made a lot more sense now. I removed my hand and wiped the excess residue onto the back of my tunic, trying to ignore the sweet pineapple scent it left behind.
"….(Heal!) (Rebuff!) (Heal!)"
I sighed, a headache returning to my temples.
"Is she seriously still trying? It's been two hours already!"
Just past the squad of child terrors collecting vaginal Slimes (a phrase that could most certainly land me in jail back home), was our party's masochistic healer nun, attempting in vain to defeat what was quite literally the weakest monster.
"(Heal!) (Lord's Blessing!)"
I squinted.
"Hey, it's not just my eyes, right? She's totally making that thing stronger, right?"
The Slime on the receiving end of our idiotic healer's spells was steadily growing larger, now almost at hip-height. Other Slimes gravitated towards it, slowly absorbing into its gelatinous mass, forming a giant, wobbling ball of vag—yeahhhh I'd rather not think about its molecular consistency, thanks.
With a bone-deep sigh, I picked my way over to Lily.
"(Heal!)… Oh, Pariah! Thank goodness, I need your help!"
Tears streaked down Lily's face and she squirmed on the spot. The super-discharge-Slime made a "Pyooo~" noise, having successfully leveled up enough to unlock a different sound effect.
"I don't get iiiiiit!" Lily cried, stomping her feet and balling her fists. "I've been using my magic, but it keeps getting stronger!"
I looked between the leather-clad nun, and the wobbling Slime, and wondered how the evolutionary process in this world had broken down so badly.
"It's because you're healing the damn thing instead of hurting it, idiot."
I chopped Lily on the head.
"Nnnn~, harder… I mean. Ow."
"I can see you blushing, you pervert!!!"
Lily squirmed on the spot, in danger of producing her own Slimes.
"Well then, how I am supposed to beat these things?!"
I looked to the heavens.
Mom, Dad. If you're watching me… Please don't.
I grabbed Lily's zipper and yanked it down.
"Hyaaaaaaaahh!!!"
Our party's kinky nun was, predictably, completely commando under her dress. With every inch of her skin exposed to the elements, her face turned a delightfully bright shade of red and then—
"—(WIND BURST)!"
A whirling gale burst out of her body, slamming into the Slime and sending it shooting off into the distance, where it vanished with a little twinkle into the sky.
"Huh, I thought that shit was only in anime."
Lily clutched her dress, breathing heavily, her cheeks flushed. I tilted my head to the side, but thankfully I couldn't see any new monsters spawning from underneath her ass. Guess it was a Demon-Lord-only type of ability.
"Huff. Huff. Th-thank you—huff—for that…"
Lily collapsed on her side, her body quivering.
"Anyone ever tell you you're totally shameless?"
"Hnnn!"
A burst of wind slapped me in the face, smelling distinctly fishy. I sighed and retreated back to the wagon.
This was going to be one hell of a journey…