"Sorry for my, ah, outburst. I was just surprised, is all."
The bishop had taken me into a sitting room, where all the furniture was very late-Middle-Ages—pretty normal fantasy world setup, although I hadn't seen any fluffy ears or magical spells yet. Perhaps so I wasn't arrested for public indecency, I was given a bathrobe to wear, although I was beginning to question why a church had bathrobes on-hand and how recently this one had been washed.
As the bishop ushered me into the room, I caught a handful of his leather-clad lackeys eying me off like I was a prized cattle. Not exactly the reception I expected from the second coming of Jesus Christ, but I suppose every world has its flaws, right?
I cleared my throat and gave a low laugh.
"So uh, sorry, but I think there's a bug in your magical translation spell. I thought, just for a moment, and it's pretty crazy, but I thought you said I needed to give a Demon Lord an o-o-o—"
"—An orgasm, yes," the bishop said, saying the word without even flinching. "Please try and keep up, we have a lot to discuss. Now, about why you were chosen—"
I felt a vein twitch in my forehead. Clearly, I was dealing with a bunch of utterly deranged lunatics, but I didn't have a spare moment to argue my case, because the bishop was already unfurling a bunch of parchment scrolls onto the wooden table.
"Our most preeminent experts in the field of otherworld purveyance have been profiling individuals for decades, and finally identified one man who possessed the exact criteria required to slay the monsters roaming this world, and finally put the Demon Lord to rest."
"Question," I said meekly, holding up my hand like a school-kid. "You say there are…monsters? Shouldn't you be looking for, I don't know, some kind of godly hero or something? At least a guy with a bad attitude who'll look good when he inevitably gets white hair and an eye-patch?"
The bishop furrowed his brows at my question.
"I understand your confusion, but please understand—the Demon Lord is a terrifying threat, and one we must act upon immediately, with the most direct type of attack."
"And you think that's to make her o-or-org—"
"Orgasm, yes. Please, you'll need to get used to saying the word. I was afraid that the priests would pick someone a little slow on the uptake, but dammit, this is the best we've got."
I decided to take offense to that statement, but wasn't entirely sure why.
"See, the Demon Lord is a beautiful young woman who has been struck with a terrible malady," the bishop explained, turning a piece of parchment my way.
In ink, someone had drawn a likeness of this so-called Demon Lor—HOLY FUCK SHE'S A HOTTIE.
I leaned forward, immediately interested. The artist clearly respected the female form in all the right ways—this Demon Lord had a banging rack, a cute little smirk, and long hair braided down her back. She was a stunning 10/10, complete "evil waifu of the year" material right there, right down to some curly horns poking out of her head.
"This is Priscilla, Demon Lord of the North," the bishop explained, while I tried to avoid drooling on the parchment. "She was cursed by a vengeful spirit and left without the ability to orgasm. Long did she scour the lands, for all types of partners—men, women, and all manner of mechanical contraption. Though she pleasured herself, an orgasm eluded her, and thus she became angry, casting her rage across the lands."
I blinked, slowly taking the elaborate story in.
"And you're saying there are monsters roaming the land because—?"
"Because Priscilla, Demon Lord of the North, has not orgasmed in ten years. Some say when she does, the world will tremble with her moans, and all the evil of the world will be purified by her cumming."
How can you say that with a straight face?!?!.
I cleared my throat for the third (or thirtieth) time, and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. I lowered my voice conspiratorially, forcing the bishop to lean in to hear my words.
I cast a furtive glance at the door in case those sex-crazed nuns were listening in
"Listen, I'm gonna level with you buddy. The warmest thing I've fucked is my own hand; I know every different type of porn website a man could find, but when it comes to a real woman? I wouldn't know a popped cherry from a cherry tart, you get me?"
The bishop nodded sagely and stroked his cheek.
"I see, I see. So you lack experience? And thus feel you're not suited to this task?"
I nodded enthusiastically, glad we were finally getting somewhere. I let out a long breath and flashed the bishop a charming grin and an a-okay sign.
"Glad we're on the same page. So you can just send me hom—"
"Easily solved! Lily, come and present yourself for our Pariah's needs!"
The door burst open, revealing (as I had expected), a dozen leather-clad nuns waiting with expectant looks on their faces. A young girl, about my own age, rushed into the room, her cheeks flushed, one hand already on the zipper of her leather dress.
"It would be my honor to take your virginity, O' Pariah of Perversion!!!"
The girl unzipped her dress to reveal her naked body, with perky breasts and a cleanly-shaved pussy.
Blood gushed from my nose at the same time my bewilderment finally boiled over into a frustrated scream.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOOOOPPPLEEEEEE???????"