His mind recalled the past where he fell ill, maybe about a year ago, Raphael repeatedly pressed the bell of his apartment, as if he knew that Ezra, who did not come to class, was sick. He repeatedly pressed the bell, making Ezra unable to ignore the sound anymore, he walked with unsteady legs, his head was hot with fever and also ached, his eyes were blurry.
Ezra opened the door greeted by a man standing with a worried face, eyes looking at his body from top to toe, that made Ezra uncomfortable, Raphael could always read his body language, what he was feeling, what was going on, those eyes seemed to be able to guessed everything if he stared at them a little longer.
'Go away, I want to be alone.'
Unable to bear Raphael's look of pity, he said coldly, wishing this man would leave him alone.
'Are you sick? Why don't you tell me, Ezra look at you, your face is very pale.'
Raphael's foot that almost stepped inside made Ezra flinch, he stared at the foot sharply aware of his gaze, Raphael immediately moved it back, 'If you step inside, even one more step, I will really hate you.'
After that, Raphael took two steps back. Ezra did not remember what kind of expression the man had after he said that. Ezra lowered his face, closing the door tightly so he could not see Raphael's figure again.
Yes, that was Ezra, a man who refused help from his childhood friend, Ezra even wondered why Raphael still wanted to be near him and didn't end up hating him for saying that so many times, he would not have the same patience as this man.
Raphael's eyes were still soft, not a drop of hatred whenever he looked at Ezra.
Ezra did not want anyone to see him in a difficult time, he did not want to appear weak so as to invite looks of sympathy from others, it irritated him, knowing that other people felt pity for him. That the reason why Ezra did not really like interacting with other people, during school he focused on studying, occasionally interacting normally like humans in general, but he never had close relationships with his friends, except for one guy who currently sitting beside his bed— peeling an apple, this man still saw him as a close friend even though he knew that Ezra was mentally ill.
"Aren't you tired? You've been practicing basketball for who knows how long, you should go back."
Raphael shrugged, handed a plate of sliced apples to Ezra. Hesitatingly took the plate, Ezra looked at the neatly cut apples.
"My stamina isn't that weak, nor is it possible for me to leave you here alone."
In his previous life, Ezra was alone in this room, he was only here for one night because his head wound was not that bad, another symptom that kept him in this hospital was because he was dehydrated. So it was not entirely due to a head wound.
Maybe if Ezra said the same thing as last time, he would see Raphael's expression change, Raphael would go along with his words because he did not want Ezra to hate him, did not want Ezra to ignore him just because he was annoyed with Raphael not listening to his wishes.
The last time Raphael forced himself to stay close, Ezra blocked his number, deliberately avoided Raphael on campus and it went on for quite a while, never returning his greetings, treating him as if Raphael did not exist. When they became close again after that, maybe because they were in the same class at the turn of the semester, they returned like usual with normal, bare minimum interactions.
"Your antidepressant medication was dropped on the ground, so I picked it up. This—"
Raphael tossed a small white box, which turned out to be Ezra's antidepressant medicine. Ezra caught the box, finding it to be half empty. In truth, the contents weren't solely antidepressants, Ezra also included several headache medicines. This was because he often experienced sudden headaches in public spaces due to the constant strange voices in his mind, disrupting his activities.
Placing the medicine box on the small table, Ezra leaned back in his seat, seemingly unaware that he had finished eating the apple on his plate. Raphael reached over and took the now-empty plate. "Do you want me to cut another apple?" he asked
Ezra shook his head, he felt sleepy, all strange things happened to him today, his energy was sucked out. Laying back down, Ezra pulled the blanket over half his body, he saw Raphael's hand hesitatingly float above his head, but Ezra did not pay much attention to it anymore.
He closed his eyes, feeling extremely sleepy, he could no longer hold the drowsiness. Ezra felt Raphael's hand still hovering above his head, as if unsure whether to touch him.
Eventually, it retreated.
And then, he drifted off to sleep.
*
The events that happened this time were very different from what had occurred in his previous life. That morning, Ezra was roused from his sleep by the sound of the door opening. Slowly, he opened his eyes to find Raphael standing at a distance from the bed, a smile gracing his lips.
This had never happened in his previous life.
Raphael did not visit him again in the morning.
Even though it was difficult to get up because his eyes still felt heavy, Ezra tried to straighten his body, he looked at Raphael in puzzlement. Raphael, after seeing the expression on his face, hesitated to come closer, as if he did not want to make Ezra uncomfortable.
"I'll take you back ... if you want." Despite having a calm face, the words that came out of his mouth were clearly covered with a bit of nervousness and persistence.
Raphael did not want Ezra to say no.
Raphael did not want Ezra to push him away.
But if Ezra said -no- then Raphael would still comply.
Ezra was aware of that look in his eyes, the look of someone who showed a bit of greed, but not enough to make him disrespect Ezra's wishes.
It seemed like being revived and waking up to a life of two years ago made Ezra even more confused, making something that he had buried, that he had always pushed away, crawling up toward his chest.
What this feeling was, he had no idea
All he understood was that this feeling was frightening, unfamiliar, something that could render him vulnerable. But why was he unable to say no now? In his previous life, he could effortlessly say that word
Was it because the face of Raphael who was crying with an expression that sending chill down his spine, screaming his name out loud, hoping for Ezra who was lying lifeless to wake up? Was it because he did not want to see that face again so now Ezra found it difficult to push this man away?
Recalling that incident made his chest ache. He hated seeing a face with such emotion on Raphael, a Raphael who would never look pitiful, looking so miserable and pitiful in front of a bunch of people, shouting the name of someone he himself knew would not wake up even if he called that name hundreds or thousands of times.
Throbbing. His head hurt, the sound in his ears grew louder.
Do not. Say no. Do not be with him. Do not obey. Avoid or later you will feel the same way as after the death of your parents. So do not.
The repeated words made his ears tingle, Ezra scrunched up, hands trying to find something that could stop this sound, when it was found, he took the medicine, chewing the pills as if eating candy, as if the bitter taste that was now spreading on his tongue was normal.
Even though it made him nauseous, Ezra continued to chew and swallow the medicine without water.
The voice grew lower and lower, until it stopped completely, but a headache made Ezra grit his teeth.
"Ezra?"
A male voice made him realize where he was again, Raphael was still standing in the same place, not moving even one step closer, standing in the same place, waiting for the answer to come out of his mouth.
The words that came out of Ezra's mouth would be the only absolute thing, and Raphael would comply. Ezra knew that, so he had to say no, then this scary foreign feeling would disappear, he glanced at Raphael, glanced at the man who was still patiently waiting.
"Okay," he said. Ezra had no idea what got into him that made him reject the voice in his head to say no.
And at the answer that left his lips, even though the sound was as low as a gust of wind, it sounded clear to Raphael's ears.
Raphael smiled with an even brighter complexion, a smile with pleasure that could not be hidden. Raphael reached out, wanting to help Ezra up, guiding the two of them to leave together.
As he felt the warmth from Raphael's grip, his heartbeat grew louder. Ezra's eyes kept staring at the hand that seemed like he did not plan to let go, his feet followed the back of the man walking in front, even though he could not see what kind of face he was putting on, for some reason Ezra could tell that the man was smiling, and his chest was getting tighter, the foreign feeling was growing but Ezra did not push the feeling away.