I was on the phone when I get in my apartment. Talking to my boyfriend. Since we are on a long distance relationship and on a different time frame, we just see to it that we atleast answer each other's call as possible as it is kahit ano pa ang ginagawa mo.
"I'm inside now," I said as I take off my shoes on the front porch. "So since busy ka over the holidays, I guess we can just vidcall each other. Is that ok?"
"We don't have the choice, I guess," he said.
I pouted my lips. We've been away together for a year now. But we never missed the holidays to celebrate in long distance. Baka ngayon pa lang. It's a bit disappointing since I will be celebrating the season alone. But I think, we can't do anything at this time.
As for my fling, he is somewhere else. Enjoying his family vacay. And it is somewhat consoling since I get to focus on enjoying the season for the sake of sanity. Siguro I truly need my alone time to think things thru. Kailangan ko lang ata malayo sa kaniya just to be sure if this complicated relationship of ours is worth the risk.
"Ok then, just make sure you're free tomorrow," I said weakly to my boyfriend.
I stepped inside the room and I shrieked when I saw a man lying on my bed. Speaking of the devil, the devil lies down on my bed with a straight face. Looking at me with a fierce look as if telling me to drop the call now.
'Why is he here? He's supposed to be on vacay with his fam,' ani ko sa utak.
I head the view away from my boyfriend and tried to calm my self. Kahit hindi niya nakikita ang live action, I felt scared.
"Sweetheart?" my boyfriend asked upon hearing my shriek. "What's wrong?"
Nataranta ako ng kunti. "N-nothing. May nasanggi lang ako," pagdadahilan ko. "Uhm sweet, I need to go now. Mag-aayos na muna ako and magpapahinga," I hurriedly asked.
"Ok. I'll call you tonight. I love you, bye," he said.
"Love you too, bye." Mabilis ko nang pinatay ang end button on my cell.
"What the hell???!" I instantly said. "You're supposed to be gone for a month. What are you doing here?" I asked out of surprised, frustration and fear of almost being caught.
"I missed you. So I decided to come back early," he just simply replied. He stood up from lying down. Tinapik-tapik niya yung kama urging me to sit on it. I did not oblige.
"That's my opportunity for a time off with this silly complicated relationship of ours. And you just decided to cut it short. Ni hindi mo man lang binigyan ng chance yung sarili mo to be with your fam for awhile and think things thru. What's wrong with you?"
He's one eyebrow raised for a sarcastic look, "Ewan ko. For all I know baka ginayuma mo ko," he said sounding joking. "Hindi ka ba masaya I chose to celebrate the holidays with you. As I've heard, hindi ka mapupuntahan ni Sweetheart mo."
Nahilot ko ang noo ko. Tila ako naliliyo sa trip ng taong ito. I'm supposed to be his second option not his priority. And for the sake of yuletide season, sinong matinong nilalang ang pipiliin ang kerida niya na makasama to celebrate over his family. That's just so evil. Parang hindi kayang lunukin yun ng sikmura ko.
"This is super not right," nasabi ko in disbelief.
Since hindi ako lumapit sa kaniya, he stood up from the bed and walked towards me. He wrapped me up in a tight embrace. I tried to step back and pushed him away but that just doesn't make sense now. He will just insist. He gave me a soft kiss. I just stood still. Rolled my eyes onto him. He smiled teasingly.
"Sa lahat naman ng nasusurpresa ikaw yung pinaka hindi appreciative. Ang maldita mo sakin, which just turn me on even more," he said teasing.
Hinampas ko siya. "Ang kulit mo! Napakapasaway. You are really giving us a hard time keeping our cover. Wag mo ko sisihin kapag naghihinala na sayo ang asawa mo, and I want out at that very instant." Matapang kung sabi.
Since we are involve in a lies and deceit and mischiefs, might as well we should be honest with each other. Nagsisinungaling kami sa mga mahal namin sa buhay, but I want us to openly and straightforward to each other. Mahirap kapag may tinatago pa ko on both sides.
His face turned serious. Alam kong hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko. But I am just being honest.
"What if I don't want to?" he said looking straight at me. "What if I'm doing this because I want you even more?"
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. I shifted into a confusing feeling.
"What?" I asked.
His hug loosen. He took a deep breath. Napailing and napayuko as if hesitating to continue. Then he reach for my hands and held it both.
"Wag ka magwawalk out, I just want to be honest with my feelings now," he started.
Napabuntong hininga ako. I have sensed what he meant. But I let him go on.
"I know this will be even more challenging. But, babe, honestly there's no man who can love a woman exactly the same way at the same time. Palaging may lamang and the other one would just be something like a past or faded." He's words are rumbling pero ramdam ko na nanhihirapan siyang magpaliwanag.
"You meant to tell me, you felt out of love for your wife? And that your choosing me over her?" There's no better way for me to sugarcoat it. Diretsa na kung diretsahan.
"I know it's crazy. But honestly, I just can't comprehend on that. For all I know I am so into you. Babe, that may be a lot to take but please give me a chance to make things right. I want us to be together."
Napapikit ako. And mustered a stop on what he's saying. I took a deep breath. Nahilamos ko ang palad sa mukha.
"Look, you know from the start that I like you. Kaya ko nga tinanggap 'tong indecent relationship na ito. But you're right, this is a lot for me to take. Did you think this thru? Or is this just spur of the moment? Masyado pang maaga to tell that you want us to be together. You see if there's one solid reason out of the million for you to stay with your wife that means its not the right time to say that you want us to be together. That one solid reason will always be the holding thread to hold you tighter. And cutting it will hurt her so much. I don't want that to happen. Hindi ako ganun ka-evil," litanya ko to put sense on him.
"I know. But don't you think it is lesser evil to let go of the things that hurting her kesa itago natin ng itago?"
What he said made sense. But this isn't the time weighing in what's the lesser evil. It's really too early to tell. Possible bang masabi mong your destined to this person in a small span of time. We're talking about family ties here and hurting other people's feeling. It will just make you on santa's naughty list. Minus 50 points ka agad nito sa langit.
"I'm asking you to give me a chance. I'll make things proper. Just give me time," tila siya nakikiusap.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko. I don't know what to feel. Tila naguguluhan din ako. The two sides of the brain was having the biggest argument there is. Andami kung tanong, worries, how's and why's.
"This. Is. Your chance," diin ko sa sitwasyon namin. "I take this risk kahit alam kong kasalanan 'to. But I am not asking you to correct it. We are happy now, that's enough for me."
He smiled. Tila nagustuhan niya ang sinabi ko. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
"Sorry. I couldn't keep my promise of no string attached. I didn't know I am actually falling for y---"
I shut his lips. "Ops! I said that's too much for me to take yet. You do have your chance now but as for time, ako ang hihiling sayo nun. Give me time to understand and accept. Baka nakakalimutan mo, hindi din naman ako available. And honestly, hindi ko pa kayang iwan siya," amin ko.
This time his eyes rolled. "Oh by the way, don't tell him you love him when I'm around. Just say bye and drop the call. You don't have to shout that out to my face," he said in an irritating tone.
My jaw dropped. Natatawa ako sa litanya niya. "I didn't know you were here. Comfortably lying on my bed. Pano pala kung may kasama akong dumating? Tsaka teka nga bakit ka ba dito dumiretso ni hindi mo man lang ako tinawagan muna," I go back from the beginning.
"You never answered my call. You don't know how much I am frustrated with that. Kaya ako napasugod dito. I still have your keys remember. Isa pa I know na hindi ka nagdadala ng bisita sa bahay mo. Ayaw mo ng may pumupunta sayo di ba? Even you're boyfriend didn't know where you live. Hindi pa siya nakakapunta dito."
"Ah so proud ka sa bagay na yan. Na ikaw lang ang may access sa bahay ko?!" I said sarcastically.
"You know, that's my solid reason kung bakit naniniwala akong mas mahal mo ko kesa sa boyfriend mo. Your house access is my cream of the crop, top of the line, major reason na mas gwapo talaga ako sa boyfriend mo," he said conceitedly.
"Hindi mo ba naisip na wala lang akong choice. It's either I give you my keys or you'll call me in your office everyday. This is the safest choice."
Sa sobrang tuwa niya, he squeezed me in a tight embrace. "Atleast lamang ako dun,"
Iniripan ko lang siya.
"But kidding aside, ok na muna tayo for now ha? Let's just go with the flow kung san tayo dadalhin ng feelings natin. And don't worry I am not rushing you. I am confident that you'll choose me over him. I'll give you time na makipaghiwalay muna sa kaniya," he said. "But you better do it fast, kasi kapag hindi mo ginawa yan ako ang gagawa ng paraan."
"Binabantaan mo ko?"
"No. I'm obliging you," he insisted.
"That's so evil!"
"Demonyo na kung demonyo. I am just being true. Take it or leave it."
Napailing na lang ako sa katigasan ng ulo niya. He might mean what he said or not. But one thing's for sure --- what we have now is unsurity. This maybe sinfully pleasant for now pero hindi kami sure kung hanggang saan ito aabot.
Honestly, I just want to live the present. I am happy and somewhat contented for that.
"And with that, I concluded. I miss you and I want take you to bed now..." he said.
Di na ko nakasagot when he lifted me up and carry me to bed while kissing me deep...