I did not want to be Mrs. Aaron Gerard. I felt the women crowd around me in excitement and congratulations, but I rudely ignored them all as I stared directly into the men circling Aaron. In all honesty, I did not know much about him. He looked like his mother, with bright blonde hair and dazzling hazel eyes. He was tall and lean, making women swoon over his regal features. I heard rumors about him, but I never knew if they were true, especially the one with Mrs. Anderson and her baby. I kept investigating his features, glad to observe the subject before our formal introduction. He definitely enjoyed being with the men, slapping their backs, laughing uproariously, providing a few crude remarks to their good cheer. He seemed happy to have won himself a bride, but I wondered if he was happy to have won me?
I exhaled loudly, surprised I have held my breath for that long. Was it out of shock, or fear? I looked at the expectant faces of my peers, my sister and Catherine Gerard, waiting for something. "I am sorry, what was that?" I croaked, feeling out my dry mouth. I looked around to see if there were any glasses of cool water to help clear my mouth but also my anxiety.
"I said, aren't you happy to be paired with my son?" cooed Catherine Gerard, her hand stilled over her heart. The girls around her sighed or giggled and I wished I knew if it was out of their own shock or nativity over the whole process I just experienced.
"Q-Quite" I squeaked out, forcing a smile upon my face.
"Look everyone, she is blushing!" cried a younger girl, giggling behind her hand. All the younger girls started giggling with her but the older, married women looked at each other with a suppressed smile. I tried to join in too, but my croaking got to the best of me and I covered my hands with my mouth.
"Excuse me please" I murmured as I tried to walk around the gaggle of women.
Catherine Gerard tried to grab my arm but Clara was quicker. She jumped in front of her, arms extended to grasp both of my arms and smiled widely down into my face. She grasped tightly and twirled me into the other direction saying "time for some sisterly bonding to discuss your nuptials. We will meet at my house and I will share the joys of marriage with you". I was relieved that my sister was dragging me away from the crowd, but also continuing to take a hold of me since my feet still felt like I had logs tied to them. It wasn't long before I was sitting at her kitchen table with a cup of tea in my hand.
Clara joined me at the table, a stern look on her face. In our silence, we each took sips of our piping hot tea and I waited while she continued her thoughtful thinking. When I finished my tea, I put it down on the table and started our conversation by saying "thank you for saving me."
"That's what sisters are for." She sighed and put her own tea down and twirled in her chair to face me head on. I saw turmoil in her anguished face and was afraid of what she had to say.
"Spit it out" I said, trying to mirror my older sister. She had more experience than me, but I was clever and usually our squalling matches led to my victories based on logic, not experience. I wondered where this one was going to go.
Her back straightened and so did I. I waited patiently before she began. "First off, congratulations on your betrothal. You are destined for a comfortable life being married to Aaron Gerard. I pray that you will have a happy life filled with love." I resisted rolling my eyes at her sentiments. She always started her conversation this way, saying something positive, before getting to the actual meaning of the conversation. "As you know, not all marriages however can have that everlasting love. That is when family comes to be very important. This is when we are going to have to help each other out dear sister. I can help you with Aaron and your marriage, if you help me with mine."
I frowned at her statement, confused about where this is going. I decided to take the bait. "And how will my marriage help you with your marriage? I cannot change anything."
"Well." She hesitated, thinking her next words. "As you know, I love being married to Wilson, however our situation is complicated." Her nose twitched at the lie, a trick I was always able to pick up when we were small children. "There is however, a complication in our marriage that I don't think we have foreseen that I have been keeping secret." She took a deep breath and faced me again, looking straight into my eyes and finally getting to the point. "I am under the impression that we are unable to have children and I need you to tell Catherine Gerard that it is time for us to give up trying and move on up from the newlywed status."
After the events of the entire day, I finally felt exhausted from my sister's speech. I felt her pain and knew she hated that she was still treated like a brand new bride because she is unable to get pregnant. I was also furious that instead of comforting and supporting me, she made the arrangement about her, and when it comes down to it, I could never change a law just because my future mother in law has inherited the women's day of life ruling in Cromerth. I knew that even if I tried, we would both be ignored or worse, put on Catherine Gerard's radar as women to mess with later. I know I certainly did not want to be in the middle of a complicated decision and I was too tired to acknowledge it now.
I stood up, stretched my hands high to give myself a way to look away from Clara. "Sister, I hear your words but I am so exhausted from the day and I am technically not even related to Catherine Gerard just yet. Give me some time to come to terms of my own marriage before I go and help yours."
I knew my bluntness was going to hurt my sister's feelings but she did just hurt mine with her own ulterior motives. Besides, I really did just want peace and quiet and not to have my brain swim with more trouble than it was worth.
Clara stood with me, a scowl on her face. She snatched up the tea glasses, and stomped to her sink to drop them in. From the sink she said angrily "Go home. See if I ever help you again you selfish pig." Shocked by her harsh words, I felt my tone relax as I tried to talk back "Clara, we will talk..."
"GO!" she screamed, almost in a wail. "GO AWAY!" Shocked, and unaware of what I should do, I felt myself quickly move to the door and close it behind me, doing exactly as she requested.
***
My walk home was filled with dread. I made it to my home quickly and decided to distract myself from the horrifying events of the day. I figured I would think about it tomorrow and come up with a plan to move forward with the new changes of relationships I was thrown into. At that moment, I was in despair and did not want to let the tears take over my sorrow and wanted to show my courage and strength instead. I pulled out one of my worn books, sat at the kitchen table and read the words but couldn't tell you what they said. I kept focusing on my reading, word after word, forcing myself to pay attention to the pages and motions, read line after line, switch to the other side and flip page. A couple hours later, when I was about a quarter into the book, the door banged open and my father strolled in, smiling and jolly about his future. "Well, if it isn't – Well, if it isn't the belle of the ball!" he slurred, with
a droopy smile on his face. Once again, my father was drunk. I stood up to meet him, trying to smile, but thinking of a way to get him into his bed.
"Father, you look so exhausted from your time out! Why don't we get you to sleep and I will make you a delicious breakfast in the morning."
"Breakfast!" he squealed, his smile dropping. "My daughter, I don't need you or your breakfast! I got a wife of my own now! She will make me breakfast! You got to think of your own husband!"
I ran up and put both my hands on his shoulders to lead him to his bedroom. "I am not married yet." I said with some defiance.
"You, you better be good to him" he flailed, trying to get my arms off him. "I got myself a good deal out of it and you are, are not going to mess this up for me! I- I need a wife and Gerard needed a wife to cover up his nonsense so it's a win win win!" he belched and I took a step back in case he wanted to leave a surprise on the floor. When he didn't, I kept herding him into his bedroom. "You got it good daughter, he is not a bad looking fellow. I made a mistake with your sister, Wilson wanted her and I didn't try to get nothin' out of it. This time, I learned though and now you will be the ticket to a happy life. You be gone and I can start over again, new wife, new kids and I better get sons! She is going to make me meat, every night and love me til the day I die and you girls will have your own house to take care of and you won't need me"
While he kept babbling and dreaming, I pushed the door open and led him into his room for a few short steps before he fell directly into his bed, still mumbling under his breath. I sighed and closed the door on him, not feeling very generous tonight to make sure his shoes were off or he had a bucket to throw up in.
As I closed his door, I heard the abrasive snores coming from the bed. I felt a tear roll down my eye and was surprised to find myself crying over the things my father said, but after a long and stressful day, it would have surprised me if I didn't crack now.
My father sold me off like some cow. He let Catherine Gerard get what she wanted, again, and as a result he got himself everything he ever wanted – to start over and not be judged for his alcoholism. It sounded like I was not even picked out of desire but out of secrecy for whatever secret my fiancée was trying to cover up. I sprinted away from my father's door and ran to my room where big heaping sobs escaped my body, along with all the pain, anger and longing that piled up in less than 24 hours. I cried for the future I would never have, the relationships that are only using me to gain something more and for losing hope that I would be okay.
After I felt like I had no more tears to give, I wiped the snot from my nose, rubbed my face clear of tears and laid silently in my bed. I knew I was stuck but I could not help but think of strategies and ways to fix this and the only way I knew how was to approach my fiancée who was going to be my partner in life and ask for companionship and camaraderie in this messed up situation.
"I'll begin tomorrow" I whisper to myself before rolling over and sleeping off what should have been the most horrible day of my life.