(dszg wl blf hkb drgs blfi zoo hvvrmt vbv?
ls tlowvm yvzhg uiln gsv uzi vzhg
gsv vzigs hszoo xlnv gl yv qfhg dzrg zmw hvv
xzm blf xszmtv blfi wvhgrmb?)
---
I've noticed that Kryptos had a habit of trying to analyze how my powers worked. Ever since our first conversation about it I found him not too subtly trying to get more information out of me on the mechanics. He knew what I was DOING with them but not HOW I was able to do it.
"So...you somehow grab onto free floating protons and just...stick them together, building up their atomic mass until it turns into the element that you want...and you repeat the process for all the others atoms until they turn into something?"
"Pretty much." I said as I slurped up lunch. Ammy cooked today. It was just potato soup but I appreciate how he tried. It was pretty bland, and not just because all I could taste were the carbon based chains of the starch. Ammy hasn't learned how to add flavors yet. But we had SO many potatoes in the pantry that we needed to use up.
"That sounds so hard..." Teeth moans. Kryptos on the other angle was going nuts. "But! But! How exactly do you do that?! How is it possible for you to be able to freely control the very building blocks of reality?! It just doesn't make sense!"
His arms were waving wildly. I laughed at his incredulous frustration.
"Honestly I don't know HOW it works. Just that it does." I raise a hand beside me and twirl it around. "I can feel them here. Floating molecules of Oxygen, Nitrogen and so on." I clenched my hand into a fist. "Now I've fused their atomic mass together to make Phosphorus. You can't see it since I've only done that to two atoms." I spread my fingers and make a grasping motion. "And now I've combined a Nitrogen and Oxygen atom to make Nitric Oxide."
"But HOW?! People can't just...touch and manipulate atoms that easily!"
I shrug. "I just...feel them. I can grab onto them with my mind. It almost feels like being able to just look at an object and make it move." I proceeded to do just that. Pyronica yelps as her chair is lifted off the ground. "Bill! Not when I'm trying to eat!" Not that she was eating much anyway, I can see her making faces at her soup.
I giggle as I put her chair back down. "I suspect my powers have something to do with my psychic abilities. Just...super charged and way stronger than most people can achieve within their lifetime."
"Speaking of lifetime...is it true that we're immortal now?" Kryptos asks.
I look over to Pyronica. "You told them?"
"Duh! It's not like you were gonna do it." She flips her hair dismissively. I conceded to her point. "Well, you guys won't die of old age, just don't get killed and you'll be fine."
"So...theoretically I could live long enough to gain powers? I have my electricity right now. That's pretty much just a manipulation of electrons. If I can gain a better control over it I might be able to do what you do." The compass babbles excitedly.
"Ooh! I could teach you!" I gush happily. I'm sure any other god might feel threatened if someone tried to gain powers similar to them, but I was just happy to have someone I can discuss SCIENCE with.
"Your flames are blue right? Normally that indicates a flame with high oxygen content or copper. Do you create Oxygen around you with your powers to make your flame deliberately that color?" Kryptos asks.
"Actually...it might just be due to the fact that I naturally produce a bunch of elements whenever I eat stuff. Most commonly it's Oxygen, Hydrogen and Carbon..." All the essential ingredients for making a fire hotter, stronger and burn for longer.
""Neeeeeerd~"" Pyronica and Teeth teased.
"How is it that you can choose whether or not to burn people with your fire? Oxygen rich blue flame is incredibly hot and I've seen you shake hands with people without killing them."
"Well the funny thing is that while I can break down chemical bonds to get energy, sparking a flame causes elements to bond together and that actually produces MORE energy. That's why fire is hot, it's the thermal energy created from the oxygen, hydrogen and carbon binding together to make carbon dioxide and water-"
"Oh my void do you two have to talk about this while we're eating?!" Pyronica groans. "It's almost as bad as you and Teeth having a pun-off."
"-but the thing is, since it's a flame that I created, I can still absorb energy from it. So even though the flame produces both Light and Heat, I can choose to absorb the heat into myself and thus, have a burning flame without harming anyone." I continued speaking.
Have I mentioned how nice it is to have Kryptos around? No one else was willing to sit and listen to me ramble about SCIENCE for hours on end. Kryptos stares at me in awe.
"That's amazing! So...even when you use your power to produce a spark to ignite yourself, you can just take in the energy created from the natural chemical reaction and just...get even more powerful?"
"It's not as nice as it sounds if you're trying to get stronger. If I absorb too much too quickly I explode. I prefer the slow and steady approach. It gives my body time to adjust to holding larger amounts of energy without it leaking out."
My bricks develop an orange tint. "Also, too much at once sometimes has other...more embarrassing side effects..."
"Like what?" Kryptos leaned forward in his stool, eager as always to learn more about me. I glance between my friends, weighing my options.
"...promise you guys won't laugh?"
"Oh. Now I'm interested." Pyronica has a wide grin as she suddenly pays attention. Her food was pushed away, she wasn't really eating it anyway, and she peers at me in anticipation.
"Now I definitely don't want to tell you." I pout.
"Aw, don't be like that Bill. You know Ronica's just yanking your bow." Teeth nudges me with a grin.
"I don't think that means what you think it means." I pout harder.
"What WOULD happen if we yank your bow?" Ammy questions. His words cause a spark of mischief around the table from my other friends. I immediately shake my head.
"Nope. No way. You guys are NOT trying that."
"Oh reeeeeeally~?" Pyronica grins slyly as she inches closer to me. I lean back. "No...don't you dare..." Her hand grabs at me quickly and I dodge while letting out a frantic squeak. "Hey! Stop it!" She laughs as she leaps over the dining table and reaches for me.
Teeth laughs and blocks me from floating away and Xanthar tries to move out of the way when I get herded toward him but his bulk pretty much stopped me in my tracks.
"Seriously guys. I think you should stop..." Kryptos interjects weakly as Teeth, Ammy and Pyronica advance upon me. Xanthar finally grabs me and stuffs me underneath himself. I would thank him for getting me out of the way but he was kind of sitting on me.
I hear Pyronica whine over not being able to mess with me some more. "Why do you even WANT to mess with him?" Kryptos cries anxiously. Then in a quieter voice, whispering "What if you make him mad?"
"Bill won't hurt us." Pyronica says firmly. "Even if he gets mad the most that'll happen is weird punishments."
Kryptos makes a distressed sound. I caught a few quick flashes of his memories of being turned into a sofa. I didn't realize it affected him this much. Then again, full body transmutation from a living creature to an inanimate object while still miraculously being both alive and sentient might be traumatic for some people.
I push at Xanthar's belly. Oof, he's gotten pretty heavy. Might have to cut down on his syrup intake. Give him water or fruit juice instead. That would be healthier for him. Of course, he would just give me that blank faced sad look and I'd cave instantly.
My friends really are my weakness.
Pyronica is still trying to move Xanthar off me. Kryptos tries ineffectually to stop her, Teeth and Ammy were cheering her on and I just laugh at the silliness of it all. I yelp when Xanthar shifts and I'm pressed hard against the ground. "Aaaaaah!!!" I flail my arms and legs frantically.
It was only later that I remembered I could have just Blinked out of there or levitated the loaf off me but at the moment I was panicking. Mild claustrophobia and discomfort superseding my rational thoughts. Good news is, my resulting hysterical tantrum made everyone forget the question that started the whole mess to begin with.
---
As an apology for upsetting me, Pyronica and the others did a few odd jobs on various planets to pull enough money together to invite a masseuse over for a day. I was rather touched that they actually earned their own money just to try and do something nice for me. It was a relief to not be the one paying for everything.
"Mmph..." I moaned as Handsy kneads my bricks firmly. Funnily enough, even after he found out who I am, the Manyhand masseuse still wanted to come and work on me.
"Your skin is so...beautifully smooth. It is an honor to be allowed to touch something so perfect..." He gazes at my body in awe.
"So...you don't care about who I am? What I am?" I sighed sleepily as his hands roamed along my back. The oil he poured over me smelled really nice.
"Why should I? I am a masseuse. All I care for is bodies. And yours is...absolutely lovely..." I can feel his worshipful gaze as he caresses each of my bricks lovingly. I turned bright orange.
"O-oh?"
"If you ever wish to hire me again, I'll give a 30% discount." He smiles and brushes a large palm down my back. I shiver a bit. His interest in my body is...disturbing...but this feels really nice so I'll allow it. I mean...I can't really blame the guy for his...fetish? It's not like my voyeurism is any less creepy.
As long as his conduct remains professional I don't have a reason to be upset right?
"So...you having fun Bill?" Teeth asks.
"Yeah. It was real nice of you guys to do this for me."
"So you feel better now?" Kryptos asks.
"Much-oooh~much better yes." I moaned.
"So you are not angry at us anymore?" Ammy asks.
"Yeah, I guess you are forgiven." I sink into the soft table with a sigh.
"So...will you turn us back to normal now?" Pyronica asks.
The four of them looked at me hopefully, I hummed thoughtfully. "Well...I don't know...this back massage is great and all...but is it enough to make up for the horrid trauma you put me through?"
"Oh come ON Bill!" Pyronica (who I'd turned into a llama) snorted angrily. "You're just being a real bastard right now."
"I'll have you know my parents were Paired when they had me." I say mildly as Handsy begins stroking my arms and gushing over their near frictionless texture. I wiggled as he gently massages my legs. This feels weird, pleasant but weird.
"Bill~We're really sorry~" Kryptos pleads as he tugs on the rabbit ears that now grew out from his upper sides.
"At least punish Xanthar too!" Teeth whines as he sadly brushes the thick woolen fur I'd grown all over his body.
"I did punish Xanthar. He can't have syrup for the foreseeable future."
"To be fair. That IS a pretty good punishment, since Bill can see the future and all." Ammy says calmly, having already gotten used to being turned into a penguin.
Xanthar snuffles in a way I'd come to recognize as 'pouting' so I stretched out my arm across the room to pet him. "Aw...I'm sorry Xan-Xan but you need to lose weight. You're getting puffy."
"It's not fair~Bill always goes easy on Xanthar..." Teeth mutters quietly.
"Well he's Bill's first friend. He's got a soft spot for him." Pyronica sighs fondly.
The others make sounds of understanding and agreement. I grin and decide to turn them back to normal after Handsy leaves. For now I'm content to just relax and let the Manyhand press against my bricks so pleasantly.
---
Earth has developed water!
Eeeeeeeee!!!
Part of me wanted to watch the changes the planet will go through after this new development but I only lasted a few days before I got bored and went home. As amazing as the slow build of the planet was, I just didn't have the patience for it.
I updated Ax on the state of the Earth and he was very supportive of my joy. I kind of wish I could convince him to come and hang out with me outside of his realm. Aside from that time he came into the third dimension to find me, he hasn't left the Space between Spaces.
And I thought MY hikkikomori tendencies were bad. Actually I think I might have been cured of my shut in nature when I became a god. Or at least, having the power to go anywhere I want at anytime has given me incentive to go out instead of spending all my time on my computer.
Huh.
I don't have a computer.
I should probably go get one. Teeth has his video games and I know plenty of alien species have already developed 'internet' (aside from the MAIN interwebular service created, run and monitored by the Federation) so...clearly there has to be an online community. More importantly-
An anonymous online community. So long as I can have my IP encrypted.
Forums where I can chat with hundreds of strangers who won't know who I am? Video sharing sites? I might even find (dare I even dream?) a fanfiction website? Even if those types of online services don't exist yet, I can pull some strings to make them come to be.
And by strings I mean Deals.
I resolve to get computers for the house. Maybe get everyone their own personal laptop or desktop. I was excited just thinking of it.
---
Good news and bad news.
Good news, the internet exists and connects throughout the multiverse. Bad news, the best, high speed one was created and run by the Federation. I may have been able to hack into the signals to get the TV showing every channel but hacking into the internet would be harder. More so due to the fact that the Federation seems to be the only service providers available. Other companies were quickly bullied into merging with them or crushed. Also, even if I can get a working connection it'll have the side effect of allowing the Feds to see our online activity.
And people get upset that I spy in them? At least I'm not looking through their internet search history (well I COULD but why would I bother?) So I can't get our household computers and internet until I can figure out a way to hide our signals from people.
In other words, I need a hacker.
I COULD try to learn this stuff myself but there is one issue. I don't like to bother learning things that bored me. Proper coding, hacking and stuff is just...so obnoxious. I know a little HTML and I can just scan someone to learn all other types of script but it doesn't mean I'll be able to use it properly. That's the difference between KNOWING all vs UNDERSTANDING all.
In order for me to learn how to properly sit down in front of a computer and hack, I would need to manually learn it. It's like learning to play an instrument, the difference is that I don't have the patience to learn coding because it's boring as shit. At least playing an instrument is still fun. To me at least.
I only bother to truly learn things that interest me. Luckily I have a wide array of interests. Unluckily, coding isn't one of them. So it's back to square one.
I need to get a hacker.
It shouldn't be that difficult. Find some talented hacker in the multiverse, offer to grant them a Deal in exchange for services. Easy right? As for the actual physical computers...I can copy-paste real models sold in Federation-owned stores so I can craft my own without having to buy them.
Damn my powers were useful sometimes.
---
I'm not sure what I was expecting. I just flew around the multiverse scanning every mind I passed for any info on 'Hackers' and getting many mixed results. Also, a pounding headache from going through so many minds at once. Ugh...it's like there's fireworks going off inside my brain. Flashes of colors, emotions, names, information...
With the new info came a rush of energy as my body greedily absorbed everything I could scan. I learned a few new languages that happened to include the word Hacker. Apparently one Federation officer was caught engaging in misconduct by hacking off Slothpoke tails to sell on the Void market. I discovered the location of many high end hair salons...geez, looks like my Search needs to be more specific.
I pressed a hand against my eye and groaned. My bricks were overheating fast and I was glowing so brightly I'm sure the people down on the planet I'm floating over could see it with their naked eyes. Damn, I shouldn't have tried scanning multiple dimensions at once.
My usual flickering as I scanned for info just grabbed from the planet or dimension I was currently in. It was still a lot of info but I've practiced until I could do that without trouble. Trying to grab info from multiple dimensions at once seemed like a good way to save time but it was not worth this headache.
As I painfully sorted through everything I've seen for anything USEFUL, I notice a wanted poster on some Federation sites. A hacker that has been embezzling funds out of Federation accounts and causing all sorts of trouble for them. A hacker they were hunting down viciously.
A hacker named Hectorgon.
---
It didn't take long to track down Hectorgon. He was on the run and hiding from the Federation. But even if he can erase his tracks, he can't hide from the All Seeing Eye. I watched him through any triangular shaped peep-holes throughout the multiverse. I saw his (bad) attempts to disguise himself to stay safe.
Hm. How should I do this?
Hectorgon is a LITERAL criminal. The Federation is actively after him. Even if I used a Favor, Time Baby only has so much power with the Federation. He can make them leave me and my friends alone because for the most part we don't actively go out and harm people. Time Baby's jobs notwithstanding. I get the occasional Federation officer attempt to arrest me but they're easily dealt with.
I even go out of my way to make it non-lethal when I retaliate. And then I go and cause chaos in that idiot's office branch as a show of 'Don't fuck with me' so others will think twice before trying what that foolish officer did.
I fondly remember one guy who tried to shoot me with a plasma rifle while I was grocery shopping. It was very unprofessional of him. Opening fire while in a public area full of innocent civilians. That's why I disintegrated his weapon and armor before leaving him tied up naked outside the police station with a note admonishing him for his actions. I also filled his office with sea foam.
Back to the point, Hectorgon has committed real crimes against the Federation. While I can help him, it would break my neutral stance in the Federation's eyes. They will have a 'real' crime to persecute me for. Aiding and abetting a known criminal. I have another option, get Hectorgon's crimes pardoned. That...might work but from what I've Seen the higher ups are very angry at how much money they've lost because of his actions.
Speaking of...
The money he embezzled were being sent into various different bank accounts under different names. None of which corresponded with a real person. Some were used for investing in Stocks, some were donated to various groups and charities and a few just seemed to be sitting untouched. I won't know more until I met the man himself and scanned him. Even if he was Bill's friend in another world, I know nothing about this man. For all I know, he might be a terrible person.
After all, as much as I love my friends...
Xanthar is sweet and I love him dearly. Despite that, I can't really say he's a safe person to be around. Sure, he's not malicious and there isn't a single mean bone in his body but he's oblivious to his own size and power. Whenever he go out together he gets distracted by something that interests him and has a bad tendency to destroy everything without meaning to. He can trample or injure people without noticing. Like a Great Dane who just doesn't realize how big they are.
This makes him dangerous. Even though I know he's the gentlest loaf of bread around, I can't deny that he is dangerous. Left on his own, he could cause massive damage and injuries to everyone around him.
Then there's Pyronica who doesn't give a shit about stealing from anyone. She has no concept of guilt over taking what she wants, she doesn't care about the feelings of the people she steals from and she regularly eats people. Even if her species devour their mates, most of them do not just eat any random person they meet. Pyronica straight up doesn't care for the lives of others if they aren't her friends or people she knows on a personal level. A selfishness born from years of surviving on her own without any true affection or assistance from those around her. A survival-tactic she developed on the streets, fighting to stay alive. She doesn't trust other people. She hates authority figures, seeing the police in her hometown as nothing more than enemies who would try and take away her freedom.
It's why she goes along with me. Even if I technically have custody (and thus power) over her, I made it clear on the very first day I brought her home that she was free to come and go as she pleases. The teleporter placed right next to the front door a reminder that I will not restrict her freedom. Even if I deal out punishments for misbehavior, I have never taken away her independence.
The only thing she's truly dependent on me for is this house, food and money. Things that she's never had growing up. They're great and she loves having them, but even if I took them away she would be able to survive on her own in the way she always has. Stealing whatever she needs.
Pyronica isn't what you'd call a morally upstanding person. But despite her disregard for the lives and belongings of others, she's sweet, intuitive and patient. She feels a need to show me her appreciation of my care and kindness. If someone is genuinely nice to her, she can tell and she tries to return their kindness.
Her years of observing people to differentiate friend from foe has made her good at reading people on an emotional level. Even me, with my telepathic and empathetic powers, can't always understand what people are like. I can Feel their emotions but it takes me time (and a full history scan) to understand them. Pyronica can tell when I'm upset and she always tries to make me feel better. She's not really a good person, but she's not a bad person either.
Amorphous Shape's issue are clear. He doesn't have any sort of moral compass. I have to manually teach him everything about right or wrong. He can only understand these lessons on an intellectual level. I can easily see how his blatant disregard for the feelings of others could turn into something horrible if he isn't taught properly. Heck, he's already picked up some terrible behavior from Pyronica.
At the same time, Ammy is willing to learn. He WANTS to try and understand Feelings and Others. He makes an effort to try and learn what it means to be good to others. I'm happy for that. It gives me hope that I can raise him right.
Teeth is a kind person. He cares a lot about people. He's also really good at making up stories. As his acting improves, so too does his ability to improvise and bullshit. So far he's only used this ability for his auditions and the occasional fib when he's done something wrong and he doesn't want me to find out. There's one more though, he lies in another way, a way that I worry for. He puts on an act of being cheerful, of being the funny guy who takes life in stride and doesn't have any problems. He hides his resentment and pain over the colony that threw him out.
I've seen the future that could have been. Under the wrong circumstances Teeth would be able to use his ability to deceive people for something more malicious. I will do all in my power to prevent that.
Finally there's Kryptos. He's adorkable, curious and studious with pretty much the most book smarts out of my friends. Although he's generally quiet and sweet, I've felt a deep loathing within him. He hates his family for abandoning him. He hates Jorgio and the scientists for altering him. He hates being powerless.
There's a hunger inside him that I've felt twinges of whenever he sees me assert my power over someone. He longs to be like me. To be strong enough that no one could ever hurt him again. He's so afraid of the world. Afraid that he would be exploited and betrayed. He clings to me for protection. For the protection that comes with being Friends with Bill Cipher.
Frankly I worry for him.
Long story short, all my friends had their own...issues that made them problematic. And the Federation hated problematic people. Even if they couldn't touch me, I know they would find any excuse they could to prosecute my friends. Sadly they were too idiotic to realize trying to take my friends would bring me down on them more viciously.
What I'm getting at is that if I do meet with and take in Hectorgon, I'll have to deal with the Federation actively going against me. I don't want to risk the safety of my current friends just for a potential friend that I may or may not even like. If I am going to meet with Hectorgon, I'm going to have to actually get to know him before I can allow him into my circle.
It's not even JUST because Hectorgon is a known criminal. He's also an adult. A full grown adult. Pyronica and Teeth are the oldest of my friends in terms of their own species. Pyronica being somewhere around the human equivalent of her mid-twenties when I first met her and Teeth being much the same. Kryptos is an older teenager and Xanthar still wasn't fully grown for his species when I met him. Ammy...is the way that he is. Even if he's not a child, he's not yet a mature adult either.
Hectorgon is a full grown adult.
I don't know how that would change the dynamic around the house. If I do meet with Hectorgon, I will seriously need to have my other friends meet him too before he's allowed to stay. Ugh. Why is my life always so complicated?
—
"Hey Jessie..."
"What is it Miz?" Jheselbraum asks while I'm helping her tend to the garden. She keeps a few eyes on me ever since she realized I was actually Bill. Part of me was a little upset at the lack of trust but it got her to spend more time with me so I'll take it.
"What's your advice on befriending an interdimensional criminal?" I asked. Her response was immediate.
"Don't."
"...."
Yeah~I should have expected that.
---
"Hey Ax..."
-What is it Bill?- the AXOLOTL asks while I snuggle into his side, shapeshifted into a yellow Axolotl so I could squish myself under his arm.
"What's your advice on befriending an interdimensional criminal?" I asked. His response was to stare at me with resigned patience.
-....why do you do this....-
That was pretty much what I was expecting too. Sigh. Maybe I should stop asking my morally upright friends for advice.
---
"Hey Queen..."
"What is it Bill Cipher?" The Queen asks while we sit on top of a lush grassy hill overlooking the kingdom. Enough time has passed that she can now travel freely without causing a panic. In fact she's begun to explore the rest of her planet.
"What's your advice on befriending an interdimensional criminal?" I asked. She giggles sweetly.
"So long as you enjoy their company, such things should not matter now should it?"
When she puts it like that it sounds so simple. Should I be weirded out by Queen's complete lack of fucks given to the law? Then again she WAS the one who asked me to help her frame another kingdom for murder.
I knew there was a reason I liked her.
---