---
The fallout from the collapse of the interweb wasn't as bad as I'd feared. The Federation had a backup they were able to set up within a few weeks. The negotiations with the Federation went surprisingly pretty well. The fact that I kept their officer alive despite his crime against me and the fact that I stopped the release of all their dirty laundry to the entire populace made it so they couldn't exactly refuse me my request.
That request being the clearing of Hectorgon's record and his freedom to leave without retaliation for his crimes. Also, as per the terms of Hectorgon's Deal with me, I owned him. And everyone knows how possessive I can get (no matter how much I deny it). Well, officially anyway. Hectorgon understood well that he would have assassins sent after him off the records for pretty much the rest of his life. The council was PISSED after all. They've been dealing with angry complaints from the kings and queens of allied planets about the files they've received. It wasn't quite the revenge he WANTED but he was satisfied nonetheless.
He was still grieving in his own way but I can feel he's gotten some semblance of closure. Enough that he can go about his life without her memory hanging over his every waking moment. Speaking of hanging over him, the assassins.
So he was going to stay at my house until this blows over. He kinda belongs to me now anyway so...
"Normally, I'd tell you that even if you belong to me, you're free to leave whenever you want but unfortunately your situation is somewhat...different." I sigh.
"It's alright. I did this to myself. You've already done more than enough to help. I'm sorry I'm going to be troubling you with this living situation."
Actually moving Hectorgon into the Death Star proved to be the most trouble. He had so much paperwork to do. He had to sell his house. He had to negotiate with the Federation for any of his belongings or property that they had seized during his run from the law. He had to officially quit his job while getting a resume together to apply for a new one that allowed him to work from home. He had affairs to get in order. It was a nightmare to deal with all that paperwork.
Alseph was given back to his masters. I could feel a hesitancy in him. The foundations of his belief in the righteousness of his handlers was shaken. He was still a loyal soldier but I could feel his doubt. Welp, not my problem now.
I got those computers for everyone. Hectorgon bemusedly encrypted our signals after I hacked into the satellites to obtain internet connection illegally. No way I'm paying for this shit. "You can cause massive, widespread destruction, bully the government into giving you what you want AND hijack radio waves from a different dimension...but you can't set up a an IP encryption?"
"Programming is hard~" I whined as he laughed.
Hectorgon settled into our lives surprisingly well. He unconsciously started parenting Ammy and Kryptos. Small things like checking if they remembered to eat, Kryptos sometimes lost track of time while studying whatever caught his interest (he once spent nearly two days in his room reading) and Ammy technically didn't need food if he had access to my flames but whenever I had to leave for long periods of time I found Hectorgon doing the cooking back home.
It was nice to have a (somewhat) responsible adult in the house.
I ended up postponing Hectorgon's welcome party since I still had a lot of negotiations with the high council to work out (half of them were unaware of the dirty dealings of the others and it caused a huge argument to break out, I felt hopeful that at least SOME of the high council were morally upright people). I collapsed on the couch in relief when I finally finished all the paperwork. Ugh. Getting flashbacks to my archival days. Fuck politics.
Teeth got to choose the restaurant we were holding our 'New Friend' party at. We got a large table at the Pizsta Palace so Teeth could passive aggressively show off how nice he was living without his colony. I missed this place. Might have gorged myself on mushroom tortellini before getting into a few glasses of pineapple cocktails. Pyronica was still disturbed by my love for pineapples.
I managed to Blink everyone back home in one piece before flying off in a half tipsy state.
---
I sobered up hours later to find myself floating above a...
There's a Penis planet?! When did THAT happen? For some reason I feel like I should know this...
Wait. Are those MY Madness Bubbles spread around the planet? Did I create this planet?! When the hell did that happen?!
....it's pretty nice actually....
Oh hey. There's a Recording bubble. I guess I sent it down to film the planet, I wonder what it found...
It's porn. Oooooh this is definitely porn. What about this other bubble...it's also porn. Is this all porn?! Is this planet just porn?! I can't decide if this is a good thing or not? On one hand...entertainment. On the other hand...porn planet. Heh heh...
Well it looks like some aliens from other dimensions have already discovered this place. So far it seems they're too afraid to actually make contact with the inhabitants. Well that's good? I'm kind of curious about the inhabitants myself.
I blink down into the planet and watch them invisibly. Funny enough, none of them appeared self aware enough to realize their world was a porno. Did they even have true sentience? I reached out to feel them and was surprised to find that some of them actually had souls.
The ones with souls seemed to be the 2nd generation. Their parents were pretty much automatons created from visions from within my Bubbles. They only cared for sex while their children seemed capable of true thought (even if those thoughts were of sex). I'm sure that after a few generations the planet would cease to be a porno. The desire for sex will still be strong and events will happen that encourage such activities but the people will all be free thinking and can decide not to. I watched the planet, this was so weird and yet so cool.
I resolved to check back here after a few generations. The fact that the inhabitants of this planet were pretty much Human in shape and behavior meant I could come back once the sex died down and pretend I was on a modern day Earth.
Speaking of, how IS the Earth doing? A quick check revealed, still raining. Ugh~this is gonna take forever~
I blink back home, dropping by the Nightmare Realm to leave the porn bubbles for later perusal. There was some good shit in there. I wondered if I could sell it as commercial porn on the void markets?
Hm. I need to do something wholesome to take my mind off this perverted subject.
---
"Guys! I demand we have a Game night at least once a week!" I announce loudly. My friends stare at me, some in confusion while those who knew me better just sighed in resignation.
"Ooh! Like playing Fight Streeters?" Teeth jumps excitedly. He's been trying to talk everyone into playing with him since it's a two player game and he found the AI fighter too easy. Sadly, after he beat the crap out of all of us multiple times, no one wanted to go against him anymore.
"Actually I was thinking...THIS!" I drop a book onto the living room table and my friends gathered around to look. "The...Maid RPG?" Ammy says out slowly.
"Wut?" Pyronica stares at me expressionlessly. "Seriously, wut?"
"What IS it with you and Maids?" Kryptos whines. I feel like he still hasn't forgiven me for that one time I put him in a maid outfit....but it looked so cute on him!
"I for one, am very much interested in this game." Hectorgon says quickly. Kryptos makes a distressed sound. "But why?!" Hectorgon and I stare at each other and then grin widely as we say in unison ""Moe~Moe~Kyuun!"" before giving each other a high four. I'm thrilled to find out Hec is a fellow maid lover.
Pyronica leaves the room wordlessly.
"A maid game huh?" Ammy asks as he begins flipping through the pages. Oh sweet Ammy, I can always count on you to try something out at LEAST once.
Teeth looked willing to at least try the game, even if he was pouting over his fighting game idea being turned down. Xanthar was napping in the garden (plus it would be difficult for him to play when he can't talk) and Pyronica left so that just leaves...
"Four players? I can do that." I wave my hands and set up the table. Kryptos shakes his head quickly. "Nope. I'm not doing this."
"Oh come on Kryptos~"
"No. I d-don't want to wear a dress again." He flushes and stutters in embarrassment. I sigh but conceded. "Ok. I promise I will not force you into a dress without your permission."
"I'm NOT going to give you permission!" He wails.
"So how does this work?" Hectorgon asks as he jumps down to scoot closer to the table. "All I know currently is that it'll have maids."
"Ok, so you guys need to roll these dice and that'll determine what kind of Maid you are. You get stats and abilities and etc. The point of the game is to be a good Maid and try to earn Favor from your master/mistress, in other words, Me. There's a bunch of different scenarios we can play through along with random events I can roll for as well."
"Huh...sounds...nice?" Teeth says awkwardly.
"It's role play storytelling!" I insist as I materialized the blank character sheets and a bunch of dice. "At least make your character and play a few rounds. Please?"
Teeth sighs before settling down at the table. After some hesitant grumbles, Kryptos sat down as well. Ammy floats down to sit between the Polytool and the Anglesphere. I briefly wonder if I should make a name for Ammy's species. Something punny to do with his shape? Naw, Amorphous Shape is already what he is.
Resolving to do that later, I start explaining the Maid creation process. "Also, I can create a little construct of your maid character for the board. Just say what you want it to do when it's your turn."
The game had a pretty rocky start but the hilarious hijinks the characters got up to eventually made Kryptos laugh and I felt triumphant. All in all, we had a fun 1st session. Even if they all failed to be good maids. I was rather distressed that they failed so spectacularly in just one day of game time. It was pretty funny though.
"So..." I looked down at the board and tried to stifle my mirth as Kryptos and Teeth cackled loudly. "To recap, there are mummified hamsters all over the mansion because SOMEONE thought it would be a good idea to use spider webs to capture them..."
"It seemed the most efficient use of my skill set." Ammy shrugged. He rolled Spider-Girl as his species and proceeded to use webbing as his answer to every problem, including the laundry. The hamsters were from the Rude Goldberg machines that everyone built all around the mansion because they thought it'd be a good idea. Until the hamsters escaped at least.
"The kitchen is a mess because SOMEONE thought it'd be a good idea to cook dinner while racing in a little kid's toy car..."
"My stress explosion is driving the nearest vehicle at high speeds! It's on my character sheet!" Teeth protests before snorting and laughing.
"The spirit of an ancient ancestor has cursed you into jelly for accidentally digging up his grave..." I snorted as I looked at Hectorgon's Mini on the board. It was oozing green slime.
"The note said there was treasure somewhere on the manor grounds! I had to look for it." Hectorgon shrugs. I rolled my eye. "Not only did you disturb the rest of a grumpy ghost, your digging stirred up the secret organization living in the hidden bunker beneath the mansion..." Speaking of which, "The secret organization from the bunker trying to assassinate your young master were all killed by the traps you put around his bed..."
"Those traps were meant for HIM I cannot believe those stupid assassins had to set them off." Kryptos grumbled even as his mouth twitched into a grin.
"I still can't believe you spent the entire game trying to kill the young master." Hectorgon pouts. "Isn't that against the point of this game?"
"I'm an infiltrator. A disgraced princess from the fallen kingdom the young master's family destroyed!" Kryptos protested. "Besides, I was TRYING to make it look like an accident." Teeth fell over laughing "AHAHAH! How was trip-wire traps all around his BED supposed to be an accident?!"
"...and to top it all off, the dead bodies and screaming, along with your terrible attempts to calm him down, has caused the young master to run away from home." I put down the book and sighed. "Well I think that was a good first session, despite the lot of you failing to accomplish your objective. Are any of you interested in playing again sometime?"
"Dude, this was hilarious. I'm up for it." Teeth grins.
"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." Kryptos seemed surprised at his own admission, blushing faintly, feeling both joy and mild shame for enjoying the game. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that later. He needs to know there's no reason to feel bad for liking something weird so long as it doesn't hurt anyone.
"Can I...keep the little Maid constructs?" Hectorgon asks. I nod yes and he eagerly picks them up. That odd grin on his face made me wonder if this was a bad idea.
"I...think I enjoy this game." Ammy says. "It was a good simulation for social interactions in unusual circumstances, on the spot problem solving, critical thinking and..." He glances around at us. "...I get to spend time with you all."
There was a squealing sound like a tea kettle going off as I reach out and hug Ammy to myself. I was so proud of him. He gives me a long suffering look but to my surprise he hugs me back. Eeeeeee!!!
I sniffle and tear up. "My little baby's all grown up..." I was glowing happily and proudly.
"So...IS Ammy actually Bill's kid?" Kryptos whispers to Teeth as Hectorgon leans in as well.
"Well...Pyronica keeps joking about it while Bill and Ammy deny it..."
"But...if you ignore the difference in shape...Ammy has Bill's eyes right? They have the same eyelashes." Kryptos points out.
"Now that you point that out..." Hectorgon rubs his chin in thought. "But then why would they deny it?"
Teeth shrugs. "Apparently Bill is a virgin so I really don't know how that's possible unless his species can asexually reproduce."
"You know we can hear you right?"
The gossiping group squeaked. Kryptos seemed afraid that I would get mad at them for talking about my personal affairs. "Look, it's complicated...Ammy was created...accidentally by my powers." I still didn't know for sure how he formed.
Kryptos double takes so hard he fell over. "You created LIFE?!"
"I know right?! My powers normally only make soulless constructs but...Ammy is truly alive with a soul and free will."
"But...doesn't that mean he IS your child?" Hectorgon asks.
I sighed. "I just don't know if I'm ready to be a parent...I'm only 100 billion years old..."
"Only he says, as if being older than the known universe isn't enough..." Kryptos mutters.
"Well...Bill has asked me once if I considered him my parent." Ammy speaks up "At the time I said no. I had only just met him and come into awareness as a being capable of thought."
We all watched as the Amorphous Shape bent his blocks around as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "I have read up on the definition of Parent and in my studies I have concluded that whether or not Bill birthed me, his actions throughout my life have been that of a caregiver and educator. A provider, a protector...a parent." He nods to himself, sure of his conclusion.
"Regardless if Bill is my biological sire or not, he has filled the role of a Parent in my life. And you all-" he gestures to my other friends "-are my brothers and sisters. You are my family. The only one I have ever known."
Teeth glances at me. "Bill...are you crying?"
The tears dribbled down my plane as I'm overcome with emotion. I don't know how to describe this. I was so proud of Ammy. I was so happy. I was so anxious. I wasn't sure which emotion to focus on. Which one to respond to. I wiped at my tears and grabbed the Amorphous Shape into a gentle hug. I didn't say anything. Just held him.
The others were respectfully quiet.
---
Things didn't change between us even after the revelation that Ammy saw himself as my son. I was glad for that. I was afraid I would have to do something different, treat him differently after such a big turning point. But we went back to life as usual and I was feeling...happy and unsure. Even if Ammy had found his answer, I still had a little trouble thinking of myself as a parent.
Zyun-Jan had never considered being a mother. It wasn't something I ever really thought about. My friends would talk about wanting to start families and I always felt odd that I didn't think the same. One friend wanted to adopt children. She was always mothering the rest of us, she was always longing to raise a child. She couldn't actually birth her own children, she didn't want to pass on all her genetic disorders and thus she dreamed of adoption. Even as she worked on her career she told me how she wanted to marry a nice girl and adopt some children together.
I had another friend who, even back in high school, told me that her only dream in life was to get pregnant and become a mother. She didn't care about who the father would be, she just wanted to have a child. I never understood that. It seemed so...weird to me that someone's only goal for the future was to be a mother. Me, with my dreams of publishing my own comic, of making a name for myself in the artistic community, just couldn't understand her.
I still can't. I still don't know what to do about parenthood. I never planned to be a mother. But I am. I am a mother now. I have a son. And part of me was terrified of this revelation. Externally speaking, nothing has changed. I still provide for my friends (dare I say family?) and we still go on wild, silly romps through the universe spreading chaos wherever we go.
Internally I was a confused mess.
I went to Ax and laid on his arm in thought. I didn't think I was ready for this. But apparently I've already been a parent. And I was already doing a good job...right?
"Hey Ax?"
-Hm?-
"Have you...ever been a parent?"
-I create Life. I create Souls. Every creature in all the multiverse are my children. Everything that contains a Soul will technically be my children-
"...even me?"
He moves his head to look at me. He is quiet for a long time, an unreadable look on his face. I never know what he's thinking. If I tried to guess, I think I would call this expression, internal debate. -I would not turn you away, if you wished to be my child-
Did I? If Ax is the parent of every living thing in the multiverse, he was an absent parent. By the definitions that most species come up with for Parenthood, Ax would be considered neglectful. But I know that's not true. If he is truly the father of all life, then he cannot take a side for ANY argument. That would be favoritism. He cannot raise his hand to people, even if they're assholes, because they are still his children.
It's not like he's completely abandoned his children, he is a god, his worshipers spread his teachings for peace. Jessie teaches her maidens and any who enter Dimension 52 about kindness, peace with oneself and others. I knew that Ax can hear prayers. Anyone who prays to the AXOLOTL will be heard. Heck, anyone who prays to ME will be heard. It comes with being a god.
Even if Ax cannot allow himself to directly interfere with the lives of his people, he is still connected to them all. Every person who has a Soul is connected to him. He can feel their every breath. He can feel when they stop. All this I have found out over the years, details about Ax's powers that I've learned through our many conversations.
If he really does think of all living creatures as his children, how much must it hurt him to remain neutral even when they call out to him? I can't even imagine the agony of feeling them die. People die everyday. The multiverse is infinite. Untold numbers of lives go out every second. And Ax could feel all of them. I hugged his arm and vibrated my bricks to try and mimic Ax's soothing rumbles.
I was reminded once again why I exist.
I cannot die. Even if all the multiverse is full of lives that come and go, with the AXOLOTL feeling each one snuff out, I will always remain. I will always be here. I held Ax close to me and tried to convey my love for him.
"I would be honored to be your child." I said softly. Then I laughed a bit. "Calling you Dad is gonna be weird though."
He lowers his head to press against me. -You may call me whatever you wish-
I suddenly realized something. "Shit. This means Time Baby is technically my big brother."
---
I make a new year's resolution to myself. I do this every year (when I remember to at least, keeping track of years is hard) and for the most part I have never been able to keep it. Things like ' This year I WON'T loose my temper' or ' This year I'll try not to kill anyone' don't last very long.
Most of the time it wasn't even my fault.
Without fail, SOMETHING will happen to just...push me over the edge. Pretty much 75% of the time, it's Time Baby. I don't even know why I can't let this go. I've tried to be patient with him. I've tried to hold my temper but the instant I see his stupid face I just get irritated.
"What is it THIS time?" I grumble as I appear inside the summoning circle. He's sitting in his floating chair as per usual. Why he even has that thing when I know for a fact he can float perfectly fine on his own and using thousands of fuel cells to power that chair to lift his 9 trillion ton fatass is beyond me.
"THERE IS A MAN YOU MUST STOP. HE IS-"
"Hang on a sec." I interrupted. "I just have a question first."
Time Baby gives me an annoyed look but finally nods and gestures for me to go on.
"Why do you hate me?" I asked.
He blinks at me in confusion. "BECAUSE YOU ARE EVIL." He replies simply.
"In what way am I evil?" I try to keep cool. Resolution, work things out between me and my...brother...
"YOU KILL PEOPLE."
I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from just SCREAMING at him. "...you ASK me to kill people. You DEMAND me to kill people. Also, YOU kill people too. Murder does not equate evil, unless you admit that YOU are evil too."
"BUT YOU ENJOY KILLING PEOPLE."
"No. I don't. I don't enjoy it at all. I admit I enjoy MESSING with people. I like spreading chaos and having fun. I do NOT enjoy killing."
He looks confused. "BUT YOU ARE DEATH. YOU ARE THE SCREAMING, UNCARING CHAOS OF THE INFINITE VOID. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL. YOU DESTROY DIMENSIONS."
"Well what if I'm not? Have you ever even TRIED to make sure if I was ACTUALLY evil or not?"
"YOU SPREAD CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION WHEREVER YOU GO."
"And of those many billions of times I create chaos, how many people have died by my hand?"
He opens his mouth to reply, realizes that the percentage of actual deaths per rampage were surprisingly low (if you really compared them statistically speaking, more people died from vehicle accidents than any of my destructive rampages) and closes his mouth. His face scrunches up. "YOU ARE CONFUSING ME! YOU ARE BILL CIPHER AND YOU ARE EVIL! THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!"
I sighed in irritation. Well, I didn't think it would be easy. Time Baby simply wouldn't be able to understand this huh? At least I've managed to control my temper. I just felt disappointed. Was there some way to just...make him grow up enough to be ABLE to understand?
As I prepared to shake on my newest Deal with my....brother...I had a sudden thought. "Hey. Instead of a Favor, how about your price this time is that you have to hang out with me for a day?"
Maybe if he can see it with his own eyes what I'm like, instead of just hearing reports about what I've done filtered through the mouths of his terrified officers...
He stares at me. "WHAT?! YOU WOULD HAVE ME ABANDON MY WORK?!"
"Look, I know Time is Money and all, but it's not like we're in a recession ya get me? You can afford at least a day off right? You can delegate, assign some other guys to monitor things while you're gone. Working all the time (pun unintended) cannot be healthy."
"I TAKE NAPS!"
"But when was the last time you've relaxed? Had fun? Done something besides Eat, Sleep, Poop and micro-manage the time stream?"
"I HAVE AN IMPORTANT DUTY TO MAINTAIN ORDER! I CANNOT RUN OFF TO WASTE MY EXISTENCE ON FRIVOLOUS NONSENSE!"
"Bullshit. You regularly neglect your job to host Globnar matches. It's broadcast on live television throughout the multiverse so you can't even lie and say you don't."
He looks upset that he can't say anything to refute me. "YOU'RE A MEANIE AND I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!" He finally pouts.
I roll my eye. "Really? That's the best you can do? Seriously. Just assign some halfway competent dudes to watch things while you're gone. It's ONLY a day."
When he still looked reluctant I materialize a giant lollipop and wave it around in front of him. He agreed near instantly.
---
After getting my job done quickly (Robirt Oleg, a Fgnick scientist who built a working time machine, Time Baby doesn't allow for non-authorized time travel devices. I didn't HAVE to kill this one, just destroyed his machine and pulled the knowledge of how to build one out of his head. He was quite upset but I informed him that the alternative was DEATH and suggested he use his efforts towards an invention less likely to destabilize the universe.) I took Time Baby with me to a park.
To prevent a mass panic, I went into my humanoid form (was it stupid to name myself William in this form?) and shrunk Time Baby to true infant size.
He looked around awkwardly. He wasn't used to being out in public without a purpose. I spot a sandbox and brought Time Baby over to it. He frowns at me but I hand him a lollipop and he pops it in his mouth without complaint.
Geez, I was bribing a god with candy.
He sits in the sandbox watching the other children running around the park and stares incredulously as I sit in the sand and start playing as well. "WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?" He grumbles at me. I quirk my eye at him. "Would you prefer if we both return to our true forms to cause mass hysteria and chaos?"
"...."
"Yeah that's what I thought." I continued playing in the sand. "Do you want to try?" I asked him as I pushed some sand towards him.
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? THIS...ACTIVITY?" I know he wasn't talking about playing in the sand. I shrug and grin at him.
"Because I want you to stop hating me. It's hard you know? It really hurts my feelings and I just...wanted to see if maybe a relaxing day without work would allow us to understand each other a little better."
He continues to stare at me suspiciously. I sigh. "Look Time Baby, you hate me and I don't particularly like you but I still want us to try and get along better. Wouldn't that be better then arguing and yelling at each other all the time?"
"WE WILL NEVER GET ALONG. YOUR VERY NATURE REPULSES ME."
I try very hard to keep my patience. Calm Bill. Calm. Breathe. "Hey, do you want to go on the swings? I can push you?" I pick him up and place him into one of the baby seats.
He managed a completely unimpressed face even as I swung him.
I sat on the swing beside him and rock back and forth. "What is wrong with you? Most kids love swinging." Heck, I loved swinging. I have fond memories of going to Castle Island with my family for the sole purpose of playing on the swing set for hours.
Man I missed the sounds of ocean waves. I should take my friends out to a beach sometime. Just a whole day at the beach. Maybe a couple days. I could rent a cabin. I'm shaken out of my thoughts by Time Baby levitating out of the swing and floating away. "THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME."
"Hey, we had a Deal. One whole day just hanging out. If you don't like the park we can do something else. Where do you want to go?"
I wanted to TRY. I wanted us to...attempt to stop hating each other. It was exhausting to be angry all the time at him. I'm even willing to forgive his selfish requests if he would at LEAST stop treating me like something disgusting.
It's been 100 billion years. There's no reason to keep this grudge going. I'm just...tired.
Time Baby pouts before telling me where he wanted to go. I blink in surprise. Truly didn't expect this from him. "Ok, easily done." We blink away and end up at...
The bounce house dimension.
Time Baby's eyes light up as he stares longingly at the brightly colored world. The ground, plants, clouds and everything else were all soft, air filled bouncy surfaces. He wiggled out of my arms and started bouncing on a nearby flower bush. I couldn't help but find his joyous behavior adorable.
I'm not used to thinking he's cute.
I know that as a baby he's just automatically cute but his personality generally made it hard to be endearing. Now though, it was...nice to see him having fun.
We played for a bit before bouncing off to find some food. There was a grand opening of a waffle house nearby...
---
In retrospect, making waffles in a bounce house was a bad idea.
"You can't even blame ME for this one. They did it to themselves..." I grumbled as I brushed some ashes off my arms. The burned down remains of the waffle house smoked behind us. I managed to flick all the people outside before anyone got hurt.
"EVEN I WILL ADMIT THIS ONE WAS NOT YOUR FAULT." Time Baby seemed unconcerned with the crying natives, more upset that he didn't get any food. One of the Loonba's (the native species to this dimension, a humanoid made out of balloons) wailed loudly "If only we didn't have such weak grips!!"
"Well since this was a mess, where do you want to eat lunch?" I asked Time Baby as I once more gathered him up in my arms. He ponders for a bit. "CAKE?"
"Sure, why not?"
We leave the crying Loonbas behind as we blink to another dimension.
---
I will admit, the sight of the many cakes and pastries made me salivate. Time Baby was shocked to learn we needed MONEY to buy the cakes. He was used to people just giving him stuff because he was TIME BABY and got treated with the respect that comes from being the god of Time.
No one recognized him like this. So he didn't get any of the respect he was used to receiving. He also had no money. Since this place only accepted Federation credits, neither did I.
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW CAN THEY DENY US THOSE SOFT SWEET TREATS?!"
"That's what happens when the Federation enforces a monetary system that, due to their own stupid laws, a quarter of the known universe cannot even earn. The counter-productive citizenship laws prevent people from being able to get a job that earns Credits. That means even if people WANT to work and earn money they cannot do so. Left with no choice when everything costs Credits to buy and no way to legally make said Credits since they need a Citizen ID to get a job and getting an ID cost money, they turn to crime."
Time Baby stares at me. "IS THAT WHY THE CRIME RATE IS SO HIGH ON NEWLY INTEGRATED PLANETS AND DIMENSIONS?"
"No shit Sherlock. What did you THINK was causing that problem?"
"I SIMPLY THOUGHT THE NATIVES WERE BEING REBELLIOUS AND REFUSING TO CONFORM TO A MORE ORDERLY GOVERNMENT."
"Well some of it's that too, but there are a whole bunch of other problems with the Federation's violent and forceful invasion of other worlds. You see, most people DON'T like it when a group of strangers come in to start bossing them around, demanding that they submit to them, telling them that their entire way of life is wrong and persecuting them for laws they don't know or understand."
"BUT...WE ESTABLISH A BETTER SYSTEM. WE ESTABLISH ORDER AND MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER."
"Sometimes sure, but just 'cause YOU think it's better for them doesn't mean THEY will." I cannot believe he's never realized this. At least the council KNOWS that their invasion of other species's lives and rights was wrong, they just continue to do it anyway. To be fair, a few of them truly thought they were doing good.
I know Time Baby doesn't care about having political power, he already GETS all the power he wants from the people around him. Simply because he is Time. Everyone needs him so they stay on his good side. I wonder if that's why he hates me so much? I question him, I go against him, I make it clear I don't obey him. He's not used to having someone who outright defies him. Especially so because he cannot simply vaporize me like he does to other people.
I cannot kill him and he cannot kill me. If I had a true physical form I'd be able to over power him but currently we were around equal. He's worried about this fact. I can tell he is. But while someone who can think things through properly will realize that the solution to this fear of mutual annihilation is to befriend me, Time Baby is emotionally immature enough that all he understands is that he doesn't like me and acts accordingly.
I felt like I was making many epiphanies today. Time Baby also looked like he wasn't sure how to handle this new information. Either way though, he was still hungry and I wanted food too. With another long-suffering sigh, I blink us away somewhere else.
I materialize a high chair and deposit him into it as I enter the kitchen. Time Baby looks around in confusion. "WHERE HAVE YOU TAKEN US CIPHER?"
"My house. I figure I can just cook something. Sadly I'm not the best baker so there's no cake. I can make pudding though." The Nightmare Realm might seem like a bad place to go but so long as we're inside my house it's peaceful.
Time Baby grumbles. I end up making banana pudding with chocolate sauce (I call it chocolate but it wasn't anything like Earth chocolate, tasted different). As he makes a huge mess everywhere (and I cringe internally at the splatter of chocolate sauce on my nice wooden floors) I munch on my own lunch, a simple roast boof sandwich with luttece and tomato. It even had some homemade mayo.
Boof tasted almost like beef. Space cows were weird. A luttece was pretty much a blue lettuce.
For some reason Tomatoes and Potatoes were the same even in different dimensions. Small miracles. As I chewed on my lunch, ducking the occasional splatter of pudding from Time Baby I wondered if he was enjoying himself. I hoped I could...mend the rift between us.
I just really wanted a family.
Time Baby demanded a nap after lunch so I made him his own room and a crib. He complained about how it wasn't soft enough and told me that he did NOT have fun today and that once he woke up he was going home. I hold back my urge to punch him. As he slept I cleaned up the mess and wondered if this would work. This silly plan of mine to make my big brother like me?
Was I trying too hard? Was I too insistent? Forceful? I don't know. I blinked away a few tears and tried not to let it bother me. Even after everything we've done today I don't feel his emotions towards me changing in any way. He still didn't like me. He was more focused on thinking about the problems inherent within the Federation's hostile take over approach.
All work and no play makes Time Baby a dull boy.
Speaking of all work...
I collapsed to the ground. Exhausted from just an afternoon together with Time Baby.
"Uuuugh~" I just felt...emotionally drained. It was so...tiring. Was all this effort even worth it? I got the feeling I accomplished nothing today. I finished cleaning my kitchen and quietly went into the new bedroom. The embodiment of Fate was sleeping quietly. He looked rather adorable, all small and quiet like this.
I remember watching Zyun-Kei sleep like this back when she was a baby. I had read somewhere that some babies will just die for no reason in their sleep. I used to watch her sleep and check if she was still breathing properly. My mom told me not to worry so much but I still sat next to the crib and made sure my baby sister was still alive. Zyun-Zeon and I were in charge of taking care of Kei whenever our parents weren't home.
It was surprisingly often because they both worked at the restaurant. When Zeon and I had school we would have a babysitter but if it was a weekend or school break then we were expected to look after her. I was 12 when Kei was born, Zeon was 10. We weren't allowed to watch Kei by ourselves until she was at least a year old.
I smile at the memories, quietly sitting down next to Time Baby's crib and watching his chest rise and fall with his breaths.
I remember the time we put Kei on the sofa. I had looked away for a second and turned back to see that Kei had crawled up to the end and was about to fall off the side. For some stupid reason our sofa was right next to the stairs. I screamed and Zeon, lovely, beautiful, brave and wonderful Zeon, dove over the sofa to grab Kei. They both ended up falling down the stairs but Zeon shielded our sister with their body and Kei was miraculously unharmed.
I never took my eyes off my sister again for YEARS.
I frown at Time Baby. "You're my big brother." I whisper softly. "You're supposed to protect me. Take care of me." That's what older siblings DID. They nurtured and protected the younger ones and in exchange the younger siblings respect and revered their elders. That's how it worked. That's how it was supposed to work.
"But I guess, you've never thought of yourself as my brother. This is just me projecting because I want siblings." I lean my head against the crib. "I've never had an older sibling before. I was the eldest. It was my job to take care of others. I've never had a big brother to protect me. Never had the older sibling I could go to when people bullied me or hurt me."
I wiped a few tears absently. "To be fair, I never really thought of YOU as my sibling. It's unfair of me to suddenly expect things from you. I know you're under a lot of stress all the time. Hah. Get it? Time..."
I sighed. Time Baby dreamt in colors and sounds. No real images or thoughts, just abstract sensations. It was surprisingly soothing to feel. "You work hard. I might complain that you're a jerk but I know you're just doing what it is that YOU think is right. Even when you're wrong. And hell, it's not like I'm right all the time either so..."
I know it was pointless to just talk to myself like this. Time Baby couldn't hear my words. This was all pointless. Yet I continued speaking, slowing working through my own feelings. "I can understand why you make me do your requests. I know you're just looking out for the stability of the multiverse and all that. Goodness knows how truly chaotic the world would be if you didn't try and organize it the way you do."
I frowned. "I think that's the source of our issues with each other. You seem to think that all the chaos in the world is MY fault. And I'm just saying this now, it's not. The galaxy is an uncaring, unfeeling mess and it achieved that all by itself without any input from me. Existence is just MEANT to be unpredictable and strange. I know that seems scary to you. It scares most people."
I reach into the crib to adjust his blankie. "You're afraid of the unknown. You want everything to follow the schedule you made. It makes you feel like you have control over the world around you. You like routines. You like knowing what will happen. To be fair, I follow routines too. But unlike you, I'm perfectly fine with changing things up. If life throws me a curve ball I go with it. I work around it. I learn from it."
Why did I get a strange feeling that Ax would be really good at throwing balls? The thought of Ax in a baseball jersey, pitching fastballs popped into my head and I stifle a laugh. "What I'm trying to say is, I've embraced the uncertainty of existing in an uncaring universe. Well, that's not entirely correct. I'm scared too you know? But I just decide to take things as they come and hope for the best. I don't obsess over making everything 'perfect' like you do."
I sit in silence, letting the seconds tic by. "I wonder if that's why we can't get along? I don't like you." I confessed. "Even after today and all my efforts to TRY and like you, I just...kinda hate you. You're selfish, needy, blinded by your own arrogance, unyielding and unforgiving. I'm exhausted just spending an afternoon together with you. I kinda hate you and I don't know if that's a bad thing or not."
At the very least, I know the feeling is mutual.
"But even if I hate you and you hate me, it doesn't mean we can't TRY to get along, for Ax's sake at least. You know he can't pick a side and having to put up with our fighting is stressful for him." I roll my eye. "Of course it's not like you care, so once again, it'll fall on ME to be the bigger man and turn the other cheek. The things I do for Ax. Do you even realize how much I do? You probably don't know and don't care. This is why you're selfish. It can be excused by the fact that you're an immortal, unchanging baby but that's an unfair excuse for your lack of empathy."
There's no response of course. Time Baby rolls over in his sleep, breathing softly. "It's not fair that you're so cute." I mutter. "Someone THIS assholish has no right being so adorable." I pout and reach out a finger to poke his cheek. My finger sinks into his fat and the baby grumbles in his sleep, turning his head away. "Well, I've said my piece. I know you didn't hear a word of it but...I guess I feel better now that it's out in the open?"
I get up and quietly walk to the door. "I hate you, big brother." I say as I open the door. "I don't think I'll ever stop hating you. And...that's okay, I think?" Because I have Ax. I have Jessie. I have all my friends. I have my Son. "So it's fine if we hate each other. I don't NEED you." I conclude before leaving the room and teleporting Time Baby back to his house, on his own bed and resized back to his usual giant self.
After a moment of thought, I scrapped the bedroom as well, I wasn't inviting him back so I didn't need it. Fuck, I feel so down right now. I need to go do something fun...
---
Cooking with Bill!
The sounds of cheering and applause rang out as I waved happily into the darkness before me. "Hey kids! It's me Bill Cipher and welcome to another exciting episode of Cooking with Bill!" I pause to wait for the cheering to die down. "My co-host for today is…"
A spotlight flicks on beside me and Pyronica squints. "Ugh! What the fu-" There is the sound of a bicycle bell "-ck is happening? Are you doing that cooking show again?" She blinks in surprise. "Um…fu-" There's a dog bark "-ck?" She looks annoyed now. "FU-" A loud sneeze sounds out "-CK! What the fu-" The revving of a motorcycle -"ck Bill?! I can't swear?!"
"There are CHILDREN watching this Ronica! We have to set a good example."
"Bill. You have one of the worst potty-mouths of any creature I've met." Pyronica deadpans.
"ANYWAY! Today's recipe is…SHEPHERD'S PIE!" I pull the cloth off a large pan on the counter to reveal the dish. A chorus sings "Ahh~"
"Um…Bill, that's already cooked."
"Yeah, I might have gotten a bit too excited and pre-made it…BUT I will be talking you through the steps so you can make the next one!"
"Yeah~no~I suck at cooking."
The audience makes a sad "Awww…" sound. Pyronica squints out into the darkness. "There's literally nothing there. This is kind of creepy…"
"So first, you'll need potatoes!"
"Not more potatoes!!! I thought we'd finally finished eating them all!" Pyronica wails in despair. "I'm sick of eating potatoes! They're good but this is too much!"
"Don't worry Py! This dish also has meat and veggies! It's not just potatoes!"
"Let me guess, there's ground meat in this one too?"
"Gasp!" I press a hand to my chest and blink at Pyronica in shock. "How did you know?!"
"Bill…we've had baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, hash browns, fries, potato pancakes, potato salad, potato soup, potatoes that you carved into various animals and then deep fried, potato pizza, potato pasta, potato socks that you made us wear and I can't even remember what else you've done. I'm so…tired of potatoes. Even putting meat in it won't help."
"Oh…well…" I look at the finished Shepherd's Pie in front of me. "Well…I guess that means we're done with today's episode of Cooking with Bill Cipher. Next time I'll teach you kids how to make something besides potatoes!"
"Please." Pyronica begs.
"See you all next time! Remember kids, reality is an illusion, life is a hologram, life has no meaning and we're all going to die someday BYE!"
"So you can say sh-" The jumping sound effect from a Sonic game "-it like THAT but I can't cuss?!" Pyronica cries as the screen fades to black.
---