I had heard someone say that feelings fade over time, just like a dry flower loses its color after a certain time. But, if so, then, I wonder, why my feelings have not faded after six whole months and they only continue to grow stronger with each passing day.
I yearn for that girl every single day. I wish fervently to see her eyes again but my prayer has yet to be heard. I am obsessed with her and the disappointment and desolation I feel for having to spend every day without seeing her has spread from my heart to my mind and body as a result of which my mental and physical capabilities have decreased significantly.
I can't think things through properly as I used to before. I space out a lot. Even when I am doing something important, my thoughts are occupied by that single girl and I can't seem to think of anything else after that. My body refuses to move even when my brain orders it to do so. If it is not for the sake of that girl, my body refuses to even draw breath.
I know and I am well aware that I am in love. Badly and madly so. I have fallen so hard on the concrete of love that my guts, fleshes, blood, and internal organs have splattered over it and they refuse to stitch back to my body. I have never fallen in love this hard before. Many people talk about their first love and their first crush and how they will never forget about it. But, I don't care about my first love or my first crush. All I think and all I know of is that girl is my last love and there shall be none for me afterward if not for her.
*
"You looked out of form today, man," Ryan told me.
"Maybe it's because I played today after so long. It's been two months after all." I looked at the bat I was holding as I answered Ryan.
Today, all of our friends decided that we go play cricket. We used to play all day and every day when we were kids but once we started high school, we didn't get as many opportunities. So, we all decided to play today and reminisce about those days when we had fun without a care in the world.
"But, I don't think not playing for just two months will affect the form of a player of your caliber that drastically." The one to say that was, of course, Peter.
He took the bat from my hand and gave me a meaningful look. I looked at him and through my eyes, I told him not to speak any further or else he will die. He got my message and chuckled but said nothing more. Peter knew that I was obsessed with that girl and that has resulted in a lack of coordination between my body and brain the result of which was my poor performance in today's match.
"Two months is still nothing to scoff at. He probably didn't touch the bat nor did exercise even once for these past two months and I think that is enough to knock someone off their game." Alex said in my defense. He was a year younger than us but was close to us from our junior high days because of the game of cricket. And now he occasionally joined our group whenever we hung out and came regularly whenever we played cricket.
"You are just saying that because you didn't perform well. I know." Peter spat out in sarcasm and the group erupted in laughter.
We had been walking toward our home while we were involved in friendly chatter. We were now walking on a narrow unpaved road that was lined with houses on both sides and up ahead the big peepal tree could be seen looming over us.
Just as we reached the tree, I felt someone walking to my left. It is human nature you see, to look if someone is walking beside or next or near you, to check if it is someone you know or just because of curiosity. It was probably the same for me.
I looked to my left. There I saw two people. One was a woman who was probably around thirty years old. And there was someone else walking next to her.
She was - that girl. That girl that I had been searching for. That love of mine that I had been fervently wishing to see again; that last love of mine.
At that moment, time froze. Everything except that girl and myself was removed from this world. We were the only ones, stuck in that moment for all eternity or at least, I wished to be.
There I saw her - the spring of my life bathed in pink flowers from head to toe, walking towards me, or at least that was what it looked like to me. Her skin was as white and as pure as untrodden snow while her eyes carried all the warmth the summer had to offer. She walked slowly and elegantly, towards who knows where. My eyes followed her every movement and every breath she drew from her moist, pink lips. There was a loud pounding in my heart and I was scared that my heart would leap out of my chest.
My body was planted on the ground and my eyes were fixed on her. As I watched her with bated breath and captivation, I felt like her eyes met mine, but for a moment, and that was enough to send shivers down my spine. Her presence was ephemeral as if she would disappear if I so much as blinked. I once again looked at her, and to be precise, looked at those eyes that I can't help but get pulled into as if they had a gravitational pull stronger than the black hole. When I looked at her again, I was stunned. She was looking at me as well. I noticed that she was wearing the same pink top as when I had first seen her. She was wearing a black mask but her eyes were still visible and I could see that they were widened now as they looked at me. There was some sort of emotion welling in those eyes that I couldn't grasp at but it made my heart ache and scream.
I couldn't bear to look at her eyes anymore. I felt that I did so any longer than this, something inside me will break and I was scared of that. Thus, I averted my eyes. Just before I did so, I felt like she had raised her hand and waved them at me. But, I didn't wait to confirm it and just walked away as fast I could.
I took a right from the big tree and walked down the road towards those heights where I had first seen her. After walking a certain distance, I looked back. She was not there. Now, she was gone. A sudden feeling of loneliness assailed me as I stood in the middle of the road, with my soul numb and empty.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Peter's voice rang suddenly in my ears and I jumped up in surprise.
"What happened dude? Are you alright?"
All of my friends were looking at me strangely.
This won't do. I can't let my friends know about my condition. I took in a large breath and calmed my nerves.
"Nothing. I was just thinking about something. That's all."
"Don't think standing in the middle of the road. You will get run over for real." Alex cautioned.
"Y-Yeah."
We resumed walking after that.
The sun had set already and it was already pitch dark outside despite it still being five in the evening.
As we reached an intersection, we bade each other bye with the promise to go to play once again. All the others went and it was only me and Peter now.
We strolled down to the same place where I had first seen that girl.
We sat down. Peter lit a cigarette. He puffed in and blew out the smoke in the air. It made a beautiful circle before disappearing into the night sky.
"It's now been six months since you first saw that girl, right?" Peter said, nonchalantly.
"Yeah."
"And you still haven't given up. Man, you are something else, I tell you; a mad lad you are. How many more months till we see her again?" He blew out smoke once again, this time along with a long sigh. "I am already running out of patience here."
He turned to look at me.
"Oye." He said.
"Yes?"
"Why the hell are you grinning like an idiot?"
"Am I?" Maybe I am. Of course, I was.
"Yes."
"Must be true then."
"But why are you grinning?"
"Because I met her again. Today."
"Eh?" Peter couldn't make anything of what I was saying right away. It took him some time to process and chew over the meaning of my words.
"What...do you mean you met..." He was at a loss for words.
"I met her today. That girl that we have been searching for. She was wearing the same pink dress and her eyes were the same as I remembered, warm and innocent and pure."
A cold wind ruffled past us. It was silent up on this height for a while before Peter broke into a scream.
"What?! How? Where? Where did you see her?!"
"You remember when I was spacing out in the middle of the road earlier?"
"So it was because you saw her that you were acting weird back then?"
"Yeah."
"Why the hell did you not tell me sooner? Oh, god, I am so happy for you dude. Like, for real. Waiting for six damn months wasn't for nothing."
Peter hugged me and I could tell he was genuinely happy for me. He looked more excited than me and was jumping around like a kid in grade school.
He finished his cigarette in a hurry and put it out before turning to me.
He was about to say something to me excitedly but, he suddenly stopped, as if he had just noticed something very important about all this.
He looked at me, with his eyes wide. I knew those eyes and what they meant. And I also knew what he had realized just now.
"You..." His voice sounded like the growl of a lion. "Why the hell did you not follow her when you saw her again?"
"I-I was too stunned to see her again. Like, I was searching for her frantically and I did badly want to see her again but some part of my heart had already started thinking that I will never see her again. So, when I saw her out of nowhere today, I was stunned and my mind went blank. I couldn't think of anything else and when I came to my senses she was already gone."
"How can you be so fuckin' stupid?!" His voice was so loud that the dogs around all started barking at us in fear.
He once again caught me by my collar and shook me violently.
"You had already made that mistake once so you should have made up your mind that the next time you see her, you will follow her, talk to her, or at least find something about her. The chance came after so long and you already shitted on that chance. You freakin' dolt!" This time he not only shook me to my core but also smacked me hard on my head.
"Like I said, I was too stunned to think straight."
"Don't make excuses, you coward. Why the hell did you not follow her then and there?"
"How could I? Isn't that stalking? And isn't that a crime?"
"No, it's not. You are just following her to know more about her. The intentions are what matters here. You would be following her because of your love for her and not because of some malicious intent."
"That is exactly what every stalker has said in movies and books."
"So what? Be a stalker, if you have to. You have waited for her for so long while being uncertain whether you will get to see her again or not. And you let go of this miraculous second chance like nothing. It is gonna cost you, dearly my friend. You should have made your move."
He looked frustrated. He also looked a bit sad for me that I had lost another chance to know her after waiting excruciatingly for one hundred and eighty days.
"Come on, Peter. No need to look so down. We will see her again."
"How do you know that? Is it because your heart says so?"
"Yes."
"And how long will we have to wait before you see her again? Six more months or even more this time? How can you be so idiotic? Why can't you just take the leap? Are you scared of something? Is that it? If so, tell me, dude."
"Nah, I am not. What is there for me to be scared of?" Ba-dump. Ba-dump. For some reason, my heart was pounding.
Peter sighed for the second time today.
"Don't worry dude. I think we won't have to wait for that long this time."
"Is it your heart's scream again?"
"Yes and no."
Peter raised an eyebrow at the way I answered his question. "Meaning?"
"I think I have a general idea of where she lives. When I saw her today, she was with an older woman who looked to be her aunt or something and looked to be heading home after shopping. So if we loiter around that spot, the chances that we will see her again are high."
"Thank god we at least have something to work with. It's not much but it's progress still."
"Right?"
Peter looked at me with a fed-up smile. Then, out of nowhere, he punched me square in the face. The force behind the blow was so strong that I was knocked down to the ground.
My head was spinning. All that my eyes saw were the beautiful night sky, the color of those eyes. Then someone came and blocked my view of the ever-expanding sky.
"Why did you punch me?"
"You deserve it, for your idiocy. Next time, don't repeat this mistake, or else I am going to kill you."
"Got it, boss."
Peter stretched his hands toward me. I grasped it and hoisted myself up. Peter lit another cigarette.
He puffed in and exhaled the smoke before speaking.
"We are going to have to change our base of operations from tomorrow."
*****
The next day, we began circling around that tree with the hopes of increasing the chances of meeting that girl. That tree lay right in the middle of the large settlement above the heights. There was another steep slope to the west of the one that I usually walked - though it was less steep - that took us to the same big tree after taking a left turn when the slope ended. Walking down that tree led us right to the heights.
So, after that encounter, I started going the other way around. I took the slope on the western side even though it took me longer to reach my destination. But if it meant getting to see her again, that was an insignificant amount of time and calories spent.
I, together with Peter, continued to walk around the streets around that tree with newfound hope that I will get to see her again.
*
One week went by in a flash and I did not see her even once during that period. But I wasn't feeling down or disheartened because I knew that one week was not that big of a time compared to the six months I spent just to catch a second glimpse of her. This time maybe I will have to wait for another six months, or maybe even longer. But, wait, I will, if it means seeing her again.
The temperature was going down sharply with it reaching 0 degrees this morning which was the record lowest around here. It was so cold that I had trouble even breathing. Though the temperature had risen through the day, it was still a bit colder than what I was used to. That was why I was wearing an extra layer of clothes inside with a thick wooden hoodie draped over.
I reached the foot of the same steep slope to the east, the one I usually took before I changed the course for her. Today, I was supposed to meet my friends up on the heights at 4 but it was already a quarter to five. Since I was running late, I abandoned the long route today with a heavy heart.
I knew that there was less than a one percent chance that I will see that girl even if I were on the other route now but still I couldn't help but regret my decision and put my heart into that less-than-possible chance. What if? What if she just happened to appear on that route at just this time and I took this route instead and so I missed my opportunity to see her? That thought ruined me. I knew that that wasn't the case but I couldn't help it. It is human nature, after all, to be weighed down by the choices we never made and the paths we never took over thinking about the choices that led us here and the path that carried us to the current destination.
"Why the hell am I getting so philosophical?" I muttered that to bring myself back to reality and try to accept my current position. After all, no matter how many times I think or wish, I can't rewind time and be near the tree at this moment.
Although I tried to motivate myself with those words, my heart felt heavy and so did my legs. With much difficulty, I moved my right leg forward to climb the steep slope.
Just then, a cold wind shot past me, sending my long hair flying. I used my right hand to sweep my hair back up and that was when I saw her.
She was - that girl. That girl that I had been searching for. That love of mine that I had been fervently wishing to see again; that last love of mine.
At that moment, time froze. Everything except that girl and myself was removed from this world. We were the only ones, stuck in that moment for all eternity, or at least, I wished to be.
There I saw her - the spring of my life bathed in pink flowers from head to toe, walking towards me, or at least that was what I hoped to be the case. Her skin was as white and as pure as untrodden snow while her eyes carried all the warmth the summer had to offer. She walked slowly and elegantly, towards who knows where. My eyes followed her every movement and every breath she drew from her moist, pink lips. There was a loud pounding in my heart and I was scared that my heart would leap out of my chest.
My body was planted on the ground and my eyes were fixed on her as I watched her with bated breath and captivation. And as I watched her, I found that she was slowly and slowly moving away from me.
I looked at her again. She was wearing a thick, woolen outer that reached lower than her waist. I have seen her mere three times and during all of those encounters, she was wearing something pink on the top. That led me to believe that, perhaps, pink was her favorite color. As I watched the pink flower about to fade away, I saw her face. It looked sad as if she was troubled by something. It ached my heart oh so much to see such an expression on the face of my beloved. I realized that she was also going up and that I needed to follow her and ask her what it was that troubled her beautiful features.
My feet didn't feel heavy now; they were as light as a feather and as fast as a lightning bolt; and neither did my heart feel heavy. I ran up the slope with shocking ease. But, I was late. Too late. When I finally reached the level ground after running up the slope, she was nowhere to be seen. As if carried away by the wind, her presence was completely lost from this world.
I was sad and disappointed that I had missed yet another chance to see her.
"Peter is going to scold me once again." But this time, I can at least hold my head high and tell him that I followed her and tried to find out more about her.
Although I was a bit hurt that I had missed my third chance in a row, there was a new hope budding inside my heart.
The window between my first encounter with her to the second was six long months but I had to wait only a week before I met her for the third time today. It was a miracle. I had not hoped to see her this soon. I was glad that I didn't go the other way around today. Now that the timeframe between our meeting has shortened, doesn't that mean I will get to see her sooner? That thought filled me with unprecedented glee and I couldn't suppress a grin from spreading across my mouth - that was just how happy I was.