Hope is a really cruel thing, I realized. It was good and all while you carry that hope within your heart and even better when you get what you hoped for. But if all that hope you carried around gets you nothing then what follows afterward is despair - utter despair. And a despair brought about by hope is not ordinary, my friends, for it crushes your heart and rips your soul apart; it breaks you to the point that you would never even dare to have hope ever again. And that was exactly what had happened to me.
That day, a hope had bud inside my heart that I will get to see her sooner. How foolish I was for having believed in that!
It has been two months since that day and I have not seen her once after that.
I was crushed that I wasn't able to see her soon again. I was hurt that the miracle had not occurred again. What an imbecile I was. How could I forget that miracles were called miracles precisely because they rarely happened.
When I didn't have any hope that I would see her again, even six months was not that hard for me to endure but now even just two months felt excruciatingly long as if I was caged in a different world where time ticked painfully slowly.
I was going insane day by day and no one realized that about me because there were long stretches of horrible sanity in between. To the outside world, I looked probably fine as I continued to carry on with my work as always. No one knew that there was a volcano erupting inside my heart.
I want to see her again. Please, God, let me see her again. Let me see those eyes again. Grace me with her presence again.
Those were the only words that ran through my head. Day in and day out, I would think of her and her only. My obsession had reached a point where it was now shredding me to pieces. It was driving me insane. She was running through my head every second while I felt that I was running out of breath.
As days progressed, my condition only got worse. I would mistake every other stranger I saw on the road for her. I looked for her and frantically searched for any sort of resemblance in other girls. I would hope to catch a glimpse of her in every empty faces.
I didn't know what to do anymore. I saw her in every person I saw and people were starting to feel that something was wrong with me, which really was.
After a while, I stopped going outside and holed myself in my room where every day, and every moment, I drowned myself in thoughts of her.
I knew that I was going crazy but there was a sort of kick in that craziness. It released a hell of dopamine and my brain got hooked on it. It hurt but it was pleasant and intoxicating. I knew I should stop but I didn't want to. Thinking about that girl and that girl only was the sole thing I did apart from breathing.
*
"Ah, fuck!" Thus, I threw another piece of paper to where the dustbin was supposed to be. I didn't look back to check on it, but I was sure that the crunched-up ball of paper didn't go inside the dustbin, instead, bouncing off the rim and lying somewhere on the floor. The whole room was a mess because of all these pieces of paper scattered around. But, I paid no mind to it, much less thinking about cleaning it.
I once again sharpened my pencil and tore out a new piece of the drawing sheet. I placed the tip of my pencil down on the blank sheet as slowly and carefully as possible. I closed my eyes and then I recalled the image of the girl that I met up on those heights as clearly as possible.
That beautiful face that put even the moon in the night sky to shame; those soft and pink lips to which even the cherry blossoms paled in comparison, that slender and deep nose that entices me to dive right into her body and soul; and especially those black eyes that had a pull greater than the gravitational force of a black hole, asking me to come to see for myself what lies in those depths - I remembered every single detail and every contour of her face. Just thinking about her made my lips curve upward.
I slowly opened my eyes and traced a single line down the sheet, then another, and then another; those lines joined and came together to resemble the face of a human.
I concentrated the whole of my being on drawing her.
After one hour, I was met with another failure.
"Why?! Why the hell won't it become as good as in my head?!"
Frustrated, I threw the pencil to the floor this time. The tip broke and shoot off in the direction opposite to where the leadless pencil now was.
It has been two days since I started trying to draw her face. In those two days, I didn't even sleep a wink and just committed myself to drawing her. But, no matter how many times I tried, the result was not what I was looking for. Whenever I closed my eyes, the image I saw of her was so amazing and vivid that it took my breath away but, for some reason, that beauty of hers refused to come down to paper, as if mere pencil and sketches could never depict her real beauty. And that troubled me immensely.
More than two months have gone by since I last saw her. The number of times I frequented those heights increased drastically. I would go there whenever I felt like it. In the morning and in the middle of the night, it didn't matter to me. But even after all these painful efforts, I have not seen her.
Now I was truly getting afraid of the reality that I might never see that girl and I was also scared that, if I didn't see her for so long, I might forget her. I know it was not possible that I would ever forget her as long as this heart inside me beats, but, still, I was gripped with unease. And thus, I set out to draw her face so that I will never forget what it looked like. But, my efforts were all proving to be futile and I was getting pissed at myself for not being able to do something as simple as drawing when I had already practiced for one whole day before setting out to actually draw her. Why was I not able to bring out her beauty on these papers? Was it because I am not good enough? Is it because I haven't practiced enough yet? Then, how many more days do I need to practice so that I can become as good as those artists on the internet?
I immediately opened my laptop and searched.
The results said that practice alone is not enough and that one needs drive and passion.
"I do have drive and passion!" I think no one else has as much desperation and drive to draw on this whole planet as me. So that point was checked. I continued reading and then found that one needed to practice for 21 consecutive days.
"Fuck!" I punched the screen of my laptop hard and cracks appeared on the monitor.
"21 days?! Are you fucking kidding me? I can't wait for that long, damn it!"
I needed to draw her fast and I mean, like, right now. I couldn't even wait for two days so there is no way I can wait for that long.
I want to draw her. I want to see her, even if it is just her portrait. I don't need the whole face. Even just the eyes will do.
"Yes, that will do."
This time I won't try to draw her whole face. I will try only her eyes - those beautiful eyes - for now.
"Pencil? Where did I throw my pencil?" As I moved my head around to search for the pencil, the door to my room opened.
"Hmm? Peter?"
He caught a glimpse of the room and his eyes twitched a little.
"S-Sorry, I haven't been able to clean much as of late. Aha-ha. Why are you here, Peter? And how the hell did you come inside?"
He looked at me with a somewhat complicated expression for a while before opening his mouth.
"The door was unlocked. You should have been more careful."
"Was it now? So careless of me! I will make sure to lock them properly from now onwards!"
"...What were you doing?" He asked as he looked at the scattered pieces of paper dotting every space on the floor and in the bed.
"I just got into the mood for drawing."
"You never liked drawing since you were a child. Why the sudden change?" He tiptoed around what little space was available on the floor and sat on the bed next to where I was sitting.
"I just felt like it. That's all."
Peter remained silent. The way he was acting today seemed a bit off to me. His presence felt somewhat heavy next to me and I couldn't help but be curious about it.
As I was thinking that in my head, Peter crossed his legs, placed his right elbow over his right thigh, and rested his head on his chin. He looked at me with eyes I have never seen before. He sighed.
"Were you trying to draw the image of that girl you saw on those heights?"
The pencil that I was holding in my hands dropped to the ground as those words reached my ears. I was too shocked to even say anything.
He immediately realized that it was true.
"I knew it."
A sigh once again escaped his lips. He turned his head around and looked through the windows up to the sky above. And there it was again, the same complicated expression on his face that I saw when he first came in.
I picked the pencil up and placed it on the table.
I looked at him.
"Hey, Peter. Is there something on your mind?"
"Yes, there is. But I am really conflicted over it. I don't know whether I should talk to you about this or not?"
Was it about Paige? Or was it something else entirely? No matter what it was, I needed to hear my friend out. He was a very good friend of my mine who has stood by my side and helped me search for that girl for more than eight months now. If something was troubling him, I needed to hear his story and help him to the best of my ability.
"You don't need to hold back with me. Come on, out with it!"
He made a face as he looked at me. He closed his eyes and this time deliberately exhaled for a long time. When he opened his eyes back, there was a strong determination in them. I gulped for some reason.
He put his hand inside his pocket and took out his phone. He showed me the screen of his phone and opened his gallery. What was he trying to show me?
He then clicked on an album titled 'Evidence'.
He clicked on it and there was just one picture on that album. He zoomed in on the photo.
When I saw that picture, I thought that my heart stopped beating for a moment.
I snatched the phone from his hands and looked at the photo.
"No way..."
I couldn't believe my eyes.
It was a photo of a girl.
It was a photo of the girl that I had been searching for, that I have been dying to see again.
There she was, smiling broadly like a flower in full bloom. She was wearing a pink top similar to what she was wearing the first time I met her. The location was also one I knew. It was at those same heights where I met her for the first time. There was a masculine hand over her shoulder but at that moment, I couldn't care about it. My mind was fully occupied by the image of her that I was holding in my hands. Those eyes, that face, that smile - how I longed to see them again. All the desperation and frustration that had piled up over the days disappeared into thin air as if they never existed in the first place. I hugged the photo tight to my heart. I thought I could feel the warmth seep through the phone into my heart. It was euphoric. I was happy and it was all thanks to my friend. I couldn't thank him enough for finding this picture for my sake.
"Thank you so much, Peter, for this!" I expressed my feelings of gratitude effusively.
"But how did you manage to find her photo?" That was a bit strange. Peter had never seen this girl before and was only accompanying me in my search so it was a bit of a mystery how he knew who the girl was and how he managed to get ahold of her photo.
I was so elated that at first it completely slipped my mind but now that I have somewhat come back to reality, I noticed the expression on Peter's face.
He was...smiling. There was a forlorn smile on his face. His eyes were looking at me with pity and concern. His face was screaming something; it looked to me as if he had found the answer he had been looking for but hoping against.
"Why the hell I couldn't notice earlier?" He said in a voice so weak that, if not for the wind blowing through the open windows, his words would have never reached my ears.
He looked disappointed - about what, I had no idea.
"Now do you believe me?" Suddenly, I heard a new voice coming from the door. I turned around.
There was a girl standing there, in a white top and tight blue jeans. She had deep brown eyes and a small dot near her lips. Her hair was done up in a ponytail.
She strode in full confidence as if it were her own room.
She stood in front of Peter in silence for a minute. "So you do believe me." Peter's silence was an affirmation for her. But, what the hell is going on? What did she mean by do you believe me? And in the first place, who the hell was she?
She fixed her deep brown eyes on me and I shuddered. There was a dangerous glint in her eyes. I wanted to escape but she didn't allow for even that. Somehow, I felt like prey to a lioness.
"I am Catherine. I am friends with Peter here. I met him yesterday and while talking he told me about his friend who was going crazy over a girl that he happened to see somewhere and asked me to help him. So that's why I am here."
I looked at Peter. He had his head hung down and looked completely disconnected from his body.
"So, I take it you have already seen her picture, right?"
"H-huh? Yeah. Wait. Were you the one who provided him with the picture?"
"Yup."
"How?" I asked immediately. "How did you manage to get her picture?" It was not just strange but downright suspicious.
This girl, who called herself Catherine and was a friend of Peter, has never met me before, that I was certain of. She just happened to meet Peter yesterday and after he spilled the beans to her, she was able to know who the girl I had been searching for was and even got a picture of her. That was crazy. And I had a hard time swallowing all this.
She gave a cynical smile to me.
"You see, I know this girl that you are searching for."
"Huh?! You know her?!" I jumped out of my bed and now stood at eye level with her.
"Yes, I do. She had told me about you so I immediately knew she was the girl you were searching for."
That was the most surprised I had been on this crazy night tonight.
"R-Really?! W-What?! What did she tell you?!"
I couldn't believe my ears. She knew about me. That meant she knew that I was searching for her. Was that it? That was it, right? And she had also told the girl in front of me about me? God, is this destiny? This is destiny, right?
I had been waiting for so long to meet her. Now I have finally met people who knew her. Now I can ask them to take me to where she was for I didn't have it in me to wait any longer.
"Hey, you know her, right? So you also know where she lives, right?"
"Yeah." She replied, dispassionately.
"Then, take me there. Take me to where she is. Please!"
"I can't."
"Huh?" I was left stunned for a moment. "What do you mean you can't?"
"Just what it means. I can't take you. To where she is."
I felt my blood boiling.
"Why the hell you can't?!" I screamed. "You know where she is, right? So why can't you tell me? It will cost you nothing, will it? So, why not?!"
"No, I can't." She stood stubborn like a sturdy wall and I got even more enraged. In my anger, I caught hold of her white collar and yanked her back and forth.
"Please, tell me! I need to know. I beg of you!" I wanted to see her again, in person. Why wouldn't she agree? Couldn't she see the desperation in my eyes?
Bang!
I looked back to the source of that loud sound. It was Peter. He had just punched the furniture of my bed. Blood was dripping down his fingers and his face was tearing up.
"H-Hey, Peter." I hunched down to him. "You tell her. She is your friend so she will listen to your request. So, please tell her to show me where she is. You know how long I have waited for her. You understand that, right, that I can't take it no more? Tell her, Peter, please, for my sake." Instead of caring about his wound, I asked him for his help for my own selfish desires.
He said nothing and just bit his lips hard.
"What is wrong with you? Why the hell are you not saying anything?!"
Someone caught me by my shoulder and forcefully yanked me towards them. It was Catherine.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" And then, she slapped me hard.
That slap sent me to my bed. My body went numb. I could feel nothing else but the pain of the slap to my cheek.
I slowly looked up. Catherine was angry, immensely so, but what for, I had no idea.
"How long are you going to play dumb?" She asked.
"Play dumb? What are you talking about?"
She snorted.
"So you still won't admit, eh?"
"Admit what?" I was getting confused. And I had been since Peter came here. What was going on here?
Catherine turned to Peter and took his phone. She showed me the screen. It had the same photo of that girl that I had been searching for.
Catherine placed her thumb and index finger on the two ends of the screen and brought them together. That zoomed out the photo.
"!" When I saw the full image, all my breath left my lungs.
There is no way that's true. No. No fucking way.
"So? Have you perhaps come to your senses now?"
"No .... There's no way this is true. I mean, how could I...."
I looked at the photo on the phone. I closed my eyes and opened them. It was still the same. I rubbed my eyes and looked at it - the photo was still the same. I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming but the photo was still the same.
"There's no way that I..."
"No matter how many times you deny it, it isn't going to change anything. This is the girl you said that you have been searching for and this is the man next to him with his hands over her shoulder and that man in this picture is, undoubtedly, you."
It was just as she said. There was a man sitting next to her in that picture with a smile and that man looked like me. It was me. But, how could it be? I had met her only thrice and I didn't even know where she lived. I had never even talked to her. So how could there be a photo of the two of us together? This was not making any sense.
"There's no denying this. And let me tell you, this is not photoshopped or edited. She took them herself and showed them to me a year ago."
"No." I backed away from her. I started shivering for some reason. I realized that something was breaking; it was about to break. And I was immensely terrified of whatever it was.
"You said that you had met that girl on those heights for the first time, that she was wearing a pink dress. It is true. I know that it's true because she had told me about it. But you know that there is one thing that is not true. And that is the timeline. You met her for the first time not this year but a year ago. It all happened one year ago."
One year ago.
That phrase repeated inside my head like a curse.
My heart suddenly started beating loudly. The bars of the cage were about to come undone, I realized.
What I had been running away from, what I had been averting my eyes from, was about to seep back into my consciousness.
"How long are you going to fool people? And how long are you going to fool yourself by creating this hallucination of her? You need to stop this. I know that you loved her dearly and I can understand that you don't want to accept it but whether you accept it or not, it won't change the truth. And it won't bring her back from death."
"No!" I hurled the wooden chair at her. "No, you are lying. There is no way she is dead. I met her only two months ago." How could that be?!
"She is not dead. RXXXX is not dead!"
As I bellowed, I found that Catherine was smiling at me: a smile ladled with pain and helplessness for my sorry state.
She looked at me with sympathy.
"What are you smiling for? This is not funny!"
She still had that smile on as she spoke.
"You said that you have met her only thrice and don't know nothing about her. But you just said her name out loud, didn't you?"
"What are you-"
Then, I realized.
Oh, I ended up realizing it.
The name that just rolled off my tongue, subconsciously. The name I shouldn't have known. The name that I didn't want to know that I knew. The name of the girl I didn't want to remember. The name of the girl I never wanted to forget.
"No."
"I know that you don't want to accept this reality where she is dead. But, there's nothing you can do about it. This is the cruel and unforgiving world, where the living has to continue to live painfully while holding onto just the memory of the ones that pass away." Catherine said as if she knew what it meant to lose someone as if she herself had gone through that.
"No."
"How long are you going to keep denying it? Just denying won't change anything."
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, NO!"
I started screaming that single word again and again, like a madman.
Tears started running down Peter's face.
"Stop this, please. I can't see you in this degraded state, buddy." He looked at me with pleading eyes, in between his sobs.
Suddenly, I started suffocating. Inside this room, where I had lived for the past year, I was now having difficulty breathing.
Peter and Catherine were constantly saying something to me but none of the words made any sense to me. My mind was going blank and I stood there embracing the emptiness.
The voices around me were getting louder and louder though their meaning was lost on me.
I can't take it anymore. I can't stay here any longer.
"You have to accept that she is dead now!"
"NO!"
I screamed with all the might in my throat. Peter and Catherine both flinched at the sudden yell and using that small gap, I ran out of the room. Before running out, though, I made sure to lock my room. Peter had told me to be careful earlier, after all.
And thus, I ran. I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. I didn't know where I was going. My mind was blank. I was forcing my mind to think of nothing. Because I knew once I started thinking something, the words that Peter and Catherine said and the realization I was about to have will hit me all at once and I didn't want that to happen.
Thus, I ran - to wherever my feet took me.
I couldn't tell for how long I had been running. I was pretty out of breath by the time I stopped running.
My knees were hunched and I placed both my hands on them as I panted for breath.
I looked around me. I could tell that it was well past midnight but the bright full moon in the sky was illuminating everything around me which made it easier for me to discern where I was.
"Hah!"
Even when my brain wasn't thinking, every fiber of my muscle knew where the best place to seek solace for me was. And thus, it took me to these heights; these heights where I met her for the first time.
"SXXXX XXX."
"!"
Out of nowhere, I heard a voice. It rang with familiarity in my eardrums. Her voice was smooth and sonorous like a drop of water falling in a silent pond. I recognized that voice.
I turned around and just as I had expected - there she was; standing near the edge of those heights illuminated by the moonlight, she looked as beautiful as the day I had first met her.
There I saw her - the spring of my life bathed in pink flowers from head to toe. Her skin was as white and as pure as untrodden snow while her eyes carried all the warmth the summer had to offer. She walked slowly and elegantly, and this time I knew where she was walking. She walked down a straight line and stood right in front of me, her eyes wide and fixed on me. I was so captivated by the sight of those eyes that I forgot to breathe for a moment.
"Hey, can you hear me?" She asked as if trying to confirm something.
My voice wouldn't come out. I tried to form words but they ended up being mere, unintelligible vowels. Realizing that, at the moment, I was incapable of forming words, I resigned myself to a mere nod of my head.
Her eyes widened at my response and she looked relieved.
"Thank God, after so long..." Her face relaxed as if a weight had been lifted up from her shoulders.
"I have been trying for so long to call out to you but you didn't seem to hear my voice and notice my signs. I was scared that you will never be able to hear or see me but I never gave up, you know? And it did yield results. You did notice me, once, and twice if you include this, and those were what gave me hope that one day, for sure, you will hear my voice, and finally that day has come today."
She took a step forward. It didn't look like she was walking on solid ground but instead floating just above them like a graceful angel.
"I don't know whether another chance like this will ever come by so let me tell you right away. Please grant me my wish."
I jerked my head up slightly that intended to ask, "What wish?"
"I know it will be hard for you, I know this, but, for your sake, I beg of you, to please let me go." She clasped her hands together in front of her chest and looked at me with imploring eyes.
"What are you talking about?" My voice had now returned. Though it didn't feel like my own. My voice wasn't so feeble and weak. But still, I continued, in that same tone. "What do you mean to let you go? I am not holding you, am I?"
"Yes, you are. You are holding me down to this world where I should not exist."
"What are you on about? I don't even know you."
I had expected an immediate response from her but she didn't. There was a pained look on her face as if my words had somehow pierced her heart.
"Hearing you say that you don't know me - it hurts a lot more than I ever imagined."
No, please, don't make such a face. You know I can't stand to see such an expression ruin your beautiful face. You know I will do everything to get rid of that source that caused your heart to bleed.
Thus, I spoke, in a hurry to make her change her expression.
"No, I am sorry. I know you. I know you and know about you better than anyone else in this world. Believe me."
Her eyebrows twitched a little and then a smile played over her lips.
"Really? It makes me happy to hear you say that."
"I am glad." I had managed to avert making her any sadder.
She once again glided in the air and was now one step closer to me.
"That was just a little prank, I played. Sorry." She gave me a giggle then her face turned serious again.
"But, still, I think it is time you let me go and accept the reality. You have to accept that I am dead."
Hearing the word 'dead', a fear like never before gripped me. All my senses started going haywire and I could feel my body boiling up and cooling down rapidly at the same time.
"W-What are you talking about? There's no way you are dead. I mean, if you are then, why can I see you? Why can I hear you?"
"Yes, it is true that you can hear me and you can see me, it's because my soul still remains tied to this world, unable to move past the gates because you have not yet accepted and approved of my death."
"Don't joke around. I see, this is you trying to play pranks on me again, right?"
"Does it look that way to you?"
No, it didn't but I wanted it to be; I hoped it would be.
"No, you are not dead. You are right in front of my eyes and talking to me, there's no way you could be dead."
She smiled a sad smile. "What if I prove to you that I am dead?"
I took another step. Backward. My blood was running hot and cold and I was scared of what was coming because I knew what she was trying to do.
No.
Once she does that, it will all be over.
I was about to run but before I could a strong gust of wind came down on me and along with it, she came floating towards me and hurled her whole body right at me.
I should have been sent flying backward by the collision. Yes, I should have. But, I was not. I was still there, rooted on the spot, unable to do anything.
She shot right past me or rather, right through me and emerged on the other side.
She floated back in front of me.
She extended her right hand toward my cheek and tried to touch it but all her hand grasped was empty air. I felt nothing and just saw her hand go past my cheek.
"Now, do you believe me? If I were not dead, how can I not touch you?" As she said that, tears started rolling down her cheek.
This was the saddest I have ever seen her. Why, why are you crying? Did I do something? I thought of asking that but I got the answer before I even voiced my question out.
"Though I did it to make you believe that I am already dead, it still hurts, you know, that you are in front of me and I can't touch you." More tears rolled down her cheek.
I didn't know what I should do to make her stop. I knew no words to comfort her with and thus, I decided to hug her without putting any thought behind it.
I plunged and at that time, one name left my mouth, with such intensity that I was not surprised in the least.
"RXXXX!"
I jumped at her but I couldn't touch her. I fell face down on the ground. The dirt made its way to my mouth.
As the name of the girl that I loved left my mouth and the hard reality struck me in the face, the sturdy walls of the world that I had created so that I would not break down, collapsed all at once.
And now, the reality- the cruel reality - has invaded.