I looked at the girl in front of me.
She looked as beautiful as the day I met her; she looked as beautiful as the day I lost her.
As I looked at her floating in the sky against the backdrop of the moon, the memories came flooding through the gates.
I had been trying to look away from reality. But, now, I could do it no more; I couldn't run anymore.
The memories overwhelmed me all at once. I remembered everything. I remembered everything that I wanted to forget. The way I met her, the way I fell in love with her, the way she smiled, her eyes, and the way she died.
This world is cruel, I am aware of that, but I believe it is even crueler to me. I had nothing but suffering in my life from the moment I was born and I could do nothing against it but suffer in silence. With no hope for anything, I was just a dead soul in a kicking body, until I met her.
RXXXX.
She brought me back to life. She gave me the first taste of happiness in my life. She illuminated the dark corners of my heart with her warmth and light. For once, I had thought that maybe the world wasn't that cruel, but how wrong I was to think that. This savage world took away from me my only source of light – my love, my happiness, my everything – and plunged me down into the deepest level where no matter how many times I tried, I could never see light again. To survive in that nothingness, I had to create a false reality – a world that existed solely inside my mind where that light had not yet been extinguished. But, now, that world had crumbled down.
"This is cruel, what you did was cruel," I spoke to her.
"Yes, I am well aware of that. But, I had to do it. I couldn't watch you go insane. I couldn't watch you fall in love with a hallucination of me."
What she said was right.
Unable to accept that the only person I ever held dear in this whole world was no longer alive, I created a mental image of her to make myself believe that she was still alive and recreated the times I met her. I forced my brain to lock all the memories I shared with her and created a new one; a false one, so that the reality of her death won't exist for me.
"I couldn't bear to watch you forget all of the memories that we created and shared together. It hurt me that only I was the one to hold on to those times we spent together. It hurt me to see you so desperate and hollow. That is why I had to make you remember it. Even though I knew it will hurt you. I am sorry." She said.
"No, you are not at fault. Actually, the fault lies in me. I am sorry I put you through all this. I really am."
Because I was a coward, because I ran away from facing the reality, I had made her suffer and go through all that pain. What a horrible person I was.
"It's alright." She smiled.
We both looked at each other in silence. We looked into each other's eyes and it was enough for us to understand each other.
We both knew what was coming. Now that I have realized and come to terms with the reality, she won't be chained down any longer and she will move on to heaven. Although we knew that was the right way for things to happen, our hearts wanted something different. Our hearts wanted the other. I yearned for her and she yearned for me. We wanted to be together with each other. We wanted to feel each other; feel each other's warmth, body, lips, and soul. But now it was not possible.
I tried to imagine how hard it must have been for her. Despite knowing what would come, she tried to make me accept reality. What a brave girl I had fallen in love with.
I could see it in her eyes that she doesn't want to part from me.
If I wanted to then I could have her by my side. I could once again forcefully shut my memories down and once again refuse to accept her death. That way I could keep her by my side but I couldn't bring myself to do it now that I knew that it will hurt her.
"Hey." She spoke, a forlorn smile on her face.
"Yes?"
"Do you remember the poem I once told you?"
"Which one?" She used to tell a lot of poems back then and she also was fond of taking pictures. Ah, the memories were all coming back.
"The one by Nakahara Chuuya."
"I feel like you did tell me once. How did it go again?"
She closed her eyes and like an angel humming a song, she recited the poem in her sonorous, soothing, and soulful voice. As her voice reached my ears, I closed my eyes and got lost in her voice.
When the ones we love die, we must commit suicide.
When a loved one dies, no other recourse remains.
But even so, if your life is long,
And the consequences of your action run deep,
The inspiration to serve will grow.
The inspiration to serve will grow.
Because a loved one has died,
Because that person is definitely gone,
Because you can't do anything,
For their sake, for their sake,
The inspiration to serve must grow,
The inspiration to serve must grow.
The inspiration to serve may develop.
But there is nothing special you can do.
If it's a book, more attention given than before.
Or politeness extended to people more than before.
You keep a proper tempo when walking,
You weave your strips of straw piously –
Almost as if you are a toy soldier,
Almost as if every day is a Sunday.
Strolling in swatches of sun around the shrine,
You smile if you run into someone you know,
You befriend the old candy vendor,
Sprinkle treats around you for the pigeons,
And when you seek shade from the light,
You study the earth and flora there
The moss exudes quite a coolness,
And today is wonderful beyond words.
Worshipers are walking by in droves,
And I find myself completely at peace.
(A fleeting dream indeed, our lives,
With the beauty of a balloon.)
Climbing into the sky, shining, disappearing –
Hello there, how are you doing today?
It's been a while, how have things been?
Why don't we find a place to have some tea?
We enter the tea shop in good spirits,
But our talk is of the idle sort.
Smoking our cigarettes gloomily,
With an indescribable resignation –
While outside, an absolute commotion!
– I guess I'll see you later, regards to the wife.
If you go abroad, please keep in touch.
Try not to drink too much, ok.
Carriages are passing, trams are passing too.
Our lives, like a bride indeed.
So bright, so beautiful, a coy drop of the head,
Would it be too much to get her to talk?
Either way, it'll gratify the heart.
Our lives, indeed like a bride.
Ok, everybody, without being overly happy or overly sad,
Let's shake hands with the proper tempo.
After all, we fully grasp that what all we are lacking
is a little honesty.
Ok, everybody, hello, all together now –
Let's shake hands with the proper tempo. ()
I still had my eyes closed hoping that I would get to hear her voice as long as I kept listening to it. Her voice was so soulful that I wanted to hear it for all eternity.
"It was amazing."
"Thank you. So what did you get from this poem?"
I shook my head. "I was so lost in your voice that I couldn't discern the message of the poem."
She smiled like how a mother would smile at her child's silly antics.
"Yes, it is hard to deal with the death of a loved one. It is so painful that it makes you want to die. But you have to live on. For the sake of the dead ones; to carry on their will; to let the world know that they once existed. Yes, it is excruciating but endure it, and if you live long enough while helping other people along then, there will come a day when you will think that maybe you didn't live that bad of a life. Despite the pain you suffered, you lived and served and helped others. That would make your life meaningful. At least, that is my interpretation of that poem."
She looked me squarely in the eye.
"I know it will be hard for you to deal with the pain of my death. But, endure it, please, for my sake. Live on. I won't say that you forget me; I don't want to actually; it will be too painful for me. But, I hope you will move on. I want you to find someone else and find happiness once again. Please don't get stuck on me. Live your life as normally as possible and one day I assure you that you will not feel as much pain as you do now. And there is no need for you to get angry or shocked; this is normal. Just like dry flowers, feelings fade away. You used to hate your parents for what they did but now when you think about it, do you feel the same hate as back then? No, you don't. You will remember the fact that you once hated them but the intensity of the feelings decreases over time. It will be true of your love for me as well. With time, your love will probably fade away, and only the fact that you once loved me will remain. And that will be enough for me."
She gave a long speech and I listened to every word she spoke with complete attention so as not to miss even a single of her sentiments.
I closed my eyes. The meaning of her words reached my brain and heart.
"So, please, accept my death."
I opened my eyes.
"I get it. I understand what you mean."
I looked around me, at the small houses and tall buildings dotting the ground below from my vantage point. I looked up at the sky.
"So, I guess, this is goodbye."
I could see her hold back her tears. She probably understood something different from my words.
"Yes, it is." She said. Her voice was quivering and I could sense the pain and anguish condensed in those three words.
I turned around and started walking away from her. I could hear her hold back her sobs. She was so strong. Despite wanting not to be separated from me, she was letting me go, for my sake. It was admirable. It made me fall in love with her all over again.
I stopped in my tracks.
"You know, I really love you," I said to her.
"Yes, I know."
She probably thought that it was my parting words but she was wrong.
I whirled around and ran straight toward her.
My sudden change of movement surprised her. She couldn't wrap her head around what I was doing. To her, it must have looked like I was charging straight at her. And just then...
"SXXXX, wait!" From behind me, I heard the familiar voice of Peter. He was out of breath and blood trickled down from his hands. Catherine was a few steps behind him.
He saw me and realized what I was about to do.
"No, don't do this! Listen to me!"
I am sorry, Peter. It's not that I hate you or any of my friends for that matter. You guys have been with me through my highs and lows and for that, I can't thank you enough. But, still, I can't continue to live in this world; I don't want to. So, I am sorry, Peter.
"So, yes, this is goodbye," I repeated my words from earlier. "Goodbye to this world!"
And then, I jumped off the edge of the height.
"SXXXX!" Peter screamed.
RXXXX was too stunned to even let out a voice.
Before she had the chance to comprehend my actions, I had already made contact with the ground down below. There was a row of black railings with pointed edges. My torso landed squarely on those sharp points and they passed through my body easily like a pencil through an eraser. I was impaled, black pointed edges sticking out of my body, and the red blood painting the railings red.
When she realized what I had just done, she came rushing down.
She desperately tried to take me out of those stakes but she couldn't, after all, she couldn't touch me.
"What have you done? Why?! Why did you jump off? Why are you trying to die? Didn't you say you understood my words? Didn't you say that you realized what I wanted you to do?"
"Yes, I understood your words," I said as I coughed off more blood.
"Then, why are you trying to kill yourself? I told you to live, didn't I?!"
"Yes, you did. But I can't."
Before she could ask why I let out my feelings.
"Yes, your words made sense. Just like dry flowers, feelings fade. If I continue to live, there will surely come a day when my feeling of love will no longer be strong as it is now. Only the fact that I once was crazy for you will remain and that is the reason why I didn't want to live anymore - because I knew your words were true."
She couldn't make any sense of my words. So, I continued.
"You see, I am scared. I am afraid of losing you and even more afraid of living in a world without you. I am scared of living without you and eventually forgetting you. I don't want to get used to a world without you. Just like you said, if I keep on living even after you die, a moment might come when I think that life isn't all that bad; I'm scared of that."
My body was growing cold. I could feel my life slipping away. I was about to die. Yes, this was for the best.
I don't want to get used to a world without her. I don't want to be happy if it isn't with her. So, I will die. So I can be with her.
My vision was growing dark. Slowly, my eyes closed and the last thing I saw before my soul left my body was the face of the woman I loved the most.
My soul separated from my body. It looked like a thin transparent film of plastic hovering aimlessly and dancing in the air.
I opened my eyes.
The first thing I saw was the face of the woman I loved the most.
"Idiot." Those were her first words after I died and perhaps they were true; I really was an idiot - an idiot in love. "I never told you to go and kill yourself. I never wanted to see you suffer for my sake. I never asked you to do all this."
I felt like she had said the exact same words with the exact same expression on her face once before.
I smiled. And I once again gave the exact same response I once gave her.
"But, doesn't it make you happy?"
And just like back then, tears rolled down her cheek.
"Yes, it does." She flew toward me and wrapped her hands around my neck.
"Ah!"
I had never been to heaven before.
I could finally touch her. After so long, after being separated from her for so long, I could finally touch her. I could finally feel her body. I could finally feel her warmth. I could feel her soul.
I placed my hands on her cheek and gazed at those lovely eyes of hers.
Ah, how I have wanted to keep looking at your eyes forever.
We drew closer and gently pressed our lips together.
I could feel her lips and her tongue and her breath and her soul. It was so warm and so intense that I could feel my soul melting in hers.
"Hey."
"Yes."
"I love you, RXXXX."
This time instead of pressing a kiss she put her feelings into words.
"I love you too, SXXXX XXX!"