Dear Diary:
Today sucked but happy birthday to me. I'm thirteen— an official teenager but yet, I've felt like one my whole life. I spent the day trying to do things for my mother. She wants me to join beauty pageants and I don't want to do this stupidness. I'm not meant for that "perfectionist" life. She told me that I was wasting the beauty I stole from her. How could I've possibly stolen her beauty? I didn't even ask to be born.
I'm starting a new school and she gave me rules.
1. only make friends with the rich
2. Leave the disabled people alone. They're bad.
3. Stay away from Lower class people
4. Always remember that I'm prettier than everyone and that's what matters.
Those rules are stupid. I won't be following them but I can't let her know that. She said and I quote "if I ever find out you broke a rule, you're getting beat". She's not bluffing. I've been through that cycle more than a million times to know she's not bluffing. Therefore, I just won't let her find out. I'm fine being alone plus I've never gotten along with my other siblings. I've never had friends. I've never gotten a chance to make friends mainly because they don't give me a chance.
My sisters are the prettier and slimmer versions. I'm fat and my mom never misses a beat to call it out. If it's one thing she'll always mention, it's how much bigger I am in relation to them. I rarely even eat so I don't know how that's my fault.
I may have purposely failed every single try out for this pageant thing. She's going to kill me when we get home but who cares? I can't do this. I can't. If I ever have a child, I want them to be grown differently. I even snuck out of practice to go and have my drink. I've picked up an alcohol addiction these past few months and it's only getting worse and worse.
I can't go a day without drinking or I'll be a royal pain in the ass. No one knows and that's the good thing. They never notice anything about me. I'm always the only who's left to raise herself and that's been working out quite fine for me.
Drinking helps me.
Drinking saves me.
The drinking is all I have.
The self-destruction is all I have. It's all I have going on for me and I'm not letting it go. I've been disappointed by everyone I've been in contact with and it's only getting worse. I rather hear the liquid pouring into cups than my sobs from all the pain.