Alicia gave Adonis a sharp look. One that said, 'you're my brother, and I love you. But right now you're way out of line.'
"You can't just put all of this blame on mom," she said.
"Then who should I put it on?" He felt an unknown and strange source of anger beginning to boil right in the center of his chest. "Huh?"
"You know at some point, you'll have to let go of this anger. Before it destroys you." Alicia warned.
"I'm not angry," he looked away.
"What do you call all of this then?" She asked. And when Adonis refused to look at her in the eye or even respond. She sighed in frustration. "You see?"
"I started therapy a few weeks ago," he didn't know why he was suddenly blurting out that fact to anyone who came close enough to him. Just yesterday,he was sharing it with his friends. And today, his little sister. He almost felt as if he kept telling people about it,just to see if they would consider him unstable or approve of the direction he had taken. Maybe Morrison was right,he thought. Maybe he was a people pleaser.
"Really?" Alicia appeared to be pleased by the news.
"Yeah," he said with a small voice as he distantly nodded.
"I'm really glad that you're finally taking steps towards your healing." She said. "And I truly believe that you'll come out of this, an even better version of yourself."
"That's the thing though," Adonis said. As he patted a dog that had just ran away from its owner; only to come to a stand still, tongue wagging,just by his feet. "I don't even think it's helping."
He got hold of the leash, and kept it immobile until the approaching owner got to where they were sitting.
"Thank you so much," the middle aged woman said taking the leash from him.
"You're welcome," he said curtly.
"How can it not?" Alicia asked as soon as the dog walker was out of hearing range.
"I don't know." He shrugged. "My shrink just asks a lot of questions, and she wants me to talk about an awful lot of stuff about the past."
"I know," she rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. And he let her. He didn't like to be vulnerable with others or even let them in on his emotions. That's why he considered every relationship outside of his group of friends,or the one he has with his little sister, just a fleeting thing. He didn't stick around to see the romantic ones through, nor did he want to. He had itchy feet. He moved from one situation-ship to another. A few women had even tried sticking around unnecessarily, with hopes that they could change him. But with time, they gave up too. And moved on with people who could give them what they wanted from him, or even expected from a relationship in general.
Their findings of what they considered greener pastures never gave him a sense of loss, just only relief. Because it always scares him when someone gets close enough to want to know him. The attachments that these women then believe that they have developed after a few months of hanging out with him, always freak him out even more.
But with his sister,right there in the middle of the park- he didn't feel the need to hide. He didn't fully let down all of his walls when around her, but he allowed her a few glimpses of certain areas of his life. And this was that moment.
"How-" he began to ask one question,then changed his mind in order to ask another. "Wait, you've been through it too?"
Alicia chuckled. Probably because she could tell that he thought the sessions were meant to be his personal punishment and even prison. Or she just assumed that he hadn't expected to hear that someone as bubbly and sunny as her could see a professional too.
"I had a really bad breakdown in college one time; and as a result, I was required to see a counselor for that whole semester." She sighed heavily, as if recalling painful memories from that period of her life.
"I didn't know about that," he said quietly.
"Only one of my friends knew about it," Alicia admitted.
Turns out; everyone keeps certain things about themselves to themselves, Adonis thought. Then felt immediately relieved that he wasn't just the one with an off limits kind of life.
Everyone seemingly has secrets.
Even her charismatic little sister. Who maybe didn't keep people at arm's length anymore,but had experienced a similar phase in her life not so long ago.
"Anyway, during those sessions I had to do a lot of unpacking too. And I think those conversations really helped." She continued thoughtfully.
"If this is about conversations and letting certain things out, then why not just have these talks with friends or something?" Adonis shifted until he was sitting face to face with her.
"Because venting to friends may be okay, and even soothing to a certain extent. But it won't provide you with a healing plan, which is basically what you obtain in therapy." She said soothingly.
Adonis sighed heavily.
"It gets easier with time," she said in hopes to comfort him.
"I really hope you're right," he muttered.
Their meet and catch up session went on for a couple more hours, where they people watched and allowed their conversation to move to much lighter subjects.
When he got back to his house, he spent the rest of his afternoon working on and finalizing his plans.
By the time the sun went down, he felt exhausted but fulfilled. He made pasta in his kitchen for dinner, then sat on the couch browsing through TV channels. Until he nodded off there. Which wasn't a new thing. Most of his nights were spent in the living room than in his bedroom.
He was already awake and staring at the white ceiling tiles above his head, when his alarm went off the next morning.
As he rolled over onto his side, he thought back to how nights on the couch happened a lot when he was a little boy too.
His parents never limited their screen time during school breaks and holidays. And as a result, he could watch his favorite films all night until he nodded off on the couch in the early hours of the morning. While trying to decide whether that was a fond memory or not, a sharp pain shot right in the middle of his chest. He had had a number of similar incidents to know that this was another one of his panic attacks.
Clutching his now tight chest, he began slowly breathing in through the nose. And out through the mouth. Which was advice that he had gotten from his doctor during his most recent trip to the hospital. As the seconds passed by, so did the pain in his chest. By the time he felt sure enough that the worst was over; he headed to the shower, had a bowl of cereal, rolled his drafts and left the house.
Someone who saw him walking into the boardroom about an hour later, wouldn't have guessed how rocky the beginning of his day was. Because putting on a strong facade was what he did best.
A strategy meeting was set to be the first and only item on his Monday work schedule, as he didn't intend to come back to work after his session with Morrison.
"Good morning," he greeted everyone happily.
"Your coffee," Julie handed him a mug as she joined in on the meeting too.
Feeling like he'll soon need to rely on the caffeine fuel, he took a sip from the mug.
"It's impeccable as always. Thank you,Julie." He smiled in her direction. "Shall we begin?" He looked at his team members' faces around the table.
"I don't see why not," Kenneth from the human resources department said.
"Yep," Agreed Amanda. "My numbers are ready."
"Alright then," he unrolled the large pieces of paper onto the table. And placed little magnets on all corners of the drafts, so that they would stay straight enough for everyone to understand what's happening on them.
"These are the final sketches, in which I incorporated all the aspects and elements of what Chad wants. I want to hear what you guys think before we pitch tomorrow," Adonis said.
"It's truly amazing that they're already done," Amanda said tapping the drafts. "Especially because they're a big part of the presentation."
"True," agreed Kenneth. Studying all the details of the plan, intently. "Is that a second floor I see here?"
"Yes," Adonis nodded. "Those are the preferred buildings in the commercial areas of Berlin. They make the most sense, and it's the only way we can step up, pun not intended" he chuckled and they joined in.
"From the development that we did this side."
"I like it," Kenneth said.
"It's different from our usual styles," Amanda began. "But I like it too."
"Out with the old, in with the new, right?" Adonis grinned.
"Let's hear projections," he sat back down. Amanda projected the financial projections that she had come up with during the weekend too. And up next, went Kenneth with his predictions of how many workers they would be needing in order to get the project off the ground. As well as the logistics and timelines of the whole thing.
Julie sat at the end of the table, typing away meeting minutes.
"I think it could work," Amanda noted quietly. Thinking about how everything seamlessly fit with the budget that she had set up.
"I see it working too," Adonis said. "Good work team,be sure to bring your A game tomorrow morning." He gathered his things, instructed Julie to take all his calls and messages, then left the room. Feeling positive about their upcoming pitch, made him look forward just a bit- to seeing good old Dr Morrison with her endless questions.
He drove to her office for his 11 a.m appointment.
"It's good to see you again,Mr Fielding." Dr Morrison smiled at him when he walked in.
"Is it really?" Adonis had a hard time believing her. And suspected that she only said that because that's what they were probably trained to say.
"Do you have a hard time believing people's words sometimes?" Morrison asked.
"More like most times," Adonis spoke without over analyzing or at least doing his usual amount of analyzing first. Which was what he usually did, before responding to anyone's questions.
"Why's that?" She asked.
Only when she asked that question, did he realize that he had just shot himself right in the foot.
"Because people lie." He shrugged. "Sometimes they say certain things, just because they think that it's what you want to hear."
"Do you spend a lot of time around liars?" Dr Morrison retrieved the notebook that she always kept handy during their sessions, but didn't write anything in it yet.
"Uh,not really." Adonis frowned, then attempted a joke. "I mean, I don't really know. I never have a lie detector on me."
It must have been a good one because Morrison let out a light chuckle, when she heard it.
"So you basically just rely on your instincts and draw conclusions based on them?" She looked at him straight in the eye.
"Isn't that the best kind of method to rely on?" He fired back, refusing to look away. He knew that this would probably prolong his visits, but at that point he didn't want to appear or even feel weak. So defensiveness became his armor.
"Maybe, maybe not."
"What do you mean?" He raised an eyebrow, as he asked the question.
This time he didn't ask the question out of defiance,but out of genuine curiosity.
"For realistic experiences, one has to look at the facts not just believe fabrication of their own minds." The older woman explained.
"You think I have trust issues," he muttered distantly.
"I didn't say that," Morrison smiled a little, then asked. "Do you think you have trust issues?"
"I was hoping you'd tell me," he sighed feeling defeated.
"I don't have all the answers," she had told him the very same thing towards the end of their last session.
"If not you,then who has the answers?" He frowned.
"You," Morrison said. Without even blinking.
"Tell me something Doc,"
"Yes?"
"Have we started today's session yet?" For clarity's sake he had to ask. Because so far Morrison wasn't jotting any notes down. And he didn't know whether to feel relieved or worried about that.
"No,"the good doctor shook her head. "This was just chit chat, a little conversation to get to know each other."
"Great," he muttered. "A warm up session,before the drill just might be what I need."