Dr Morrison took a notepad from the table behind her,and placed it on her lap.
Which Adonis took as a sign of their session officially beginning.
Something about that didn't sit well with him. Or at least put him on the edge. And as a result, he stood and started pacing by the windows.
"Let's talk about your upbringing," she said.
Adonis sighed. "What about it?"
The same emotion that had engulfed him during his talk with Alicia,came back. It felt like an odd combination of heat and coldness right in the middle of his rib cage.
"Your childhood. Your parents. And everything in between." She said.
He guessed that her question was probably asked with hopes of getting him to decide what he'd like to elaborate on first. And that's why he didn't bite.
"That would take hours to unpack," he smiled broadly. Because he had gotten her. "Maybe a specific question would channel me in the right direction?" He said.
"I thought you didn't like the questions," a small smile played on Morrison's face too. Which convinced him that the lady wasn't fooled, and she could see right through him. Probably the same way one can see through a clear glass of water.
"I still don't,"he said distantly. "But I now realize that they might be necessary in this case."
"Very well then," she took a few notes. "How do you feel about your parents?"
"Well," he took a deep breath. "I feel gratitude,I guess. I think they did the best that they could,out of a bad situation- in order to raise me and my little sister."
"What bad situation was that?" She took more notes.
"You know, the typical marriage issues. Conflicts caused by my father's infidelity. My mother's retaliation, which led to a divorce. And shortly after,my old man's death." Adonis was surprised to find himself spilling all of his emotions without holding back.
"What was your relationship with your father like?" Morrison locked eyes with him, which resulted in Adonis immediately looking away.
"Good,in the beginning. When I was still just a little boy." He involuntarily shrugged. "But it changed as I grew. He started spending way less time at home, and the bond that we had during the early stages of my life died at some point." He walked back to the couch.
"What do you think killed the bond?" Morrison asked in a slow and soothing tone.
"His business about his mistresses was everywhere. I was only fourteen when the troubles between him and my mother began, and even though practically still a child..." His voice trailed off before he tried to continue.
"I could see the problems too, feel the tension between them and even hear the verbal exchanges too. Home nolonger felt safe and warm anymore. It became a warzone."
"And you blamed your father?"
"At first,yes." He nodded.
"And then the blame shifted?" Morrison didn't allow her face to crease into a frown, not even a little bit.
"Over time,yes." Adonis admitted.
"Do you want to elaborate on that?" The woman looked at the anxious tapping of his feet against the floor, and jotted something down.
"When my mother found out about my father's mistresses, I think she was shattered. She cried a lot. Day and night. Then at some point, her tears dried. She started wearing lipstick and pretty clothes again. And it all went downhill from there." He sighed heavily.
"Go on," she urged.
"She started seeing someone too. I think it was purely out of revenge in the beginning, but she ended up falling for the man. And that's what permanently broke their marriage." Adonis frowned, recalling how those memories ended up becoming a big part of his childhood.
"So now you blame your mother?" She checked.
"She gave up on the marriage and failed us,as her children." He said in a matter of fact tone.
"Failed you,how?"
"I don't know. During my parents' affairs, they neglected us. So, as the only old person in the house I had to learn how to take care of my little sister. It was like we nolonger existed to them." Adonis stood and walked to the windows again. Where he let his mind continue wandering back, to the early stages of his life.
"I still don't understand why the blame is solely on your mother, and not your father." Morrison prompted him.
And even though he felt like he could tell what she was trying to do, he didn't resist. Somehow, he felt okay with sharing today. For some reason he couldn't even figure out, he found it to be some kind of relief to him. As if a small weight was slowly being lifted off his shoulders. Almost as if he could breathe a little, after being under water for way too long.
"When my father started his shenanigans, I guess I just expected my mother to become the parent that we needed. You know, to play that role for both of them. But she decided to give all her time and attention to the feud that she had with my father, and of course her new man." He said.
"How long did this go on for?" Morrison asked.
"A couple of years," he began to pace. "She filed for divorce and a few months later my father died of cardiac arrest."
"You blame her for his death too?" She studied his pacing, without once commenting on it.
"Partly," he nodded vigorously. "I mostly think that his abuse for nicotine caught up with him in the end."
Morrison nodded, before carrying on with their session.
"What's your relationship with your mother like,now that so many years have passed?"
Adonis slowly walked back to the couch and settled down.
"We don't have one," he said quietly.
"Why's that?" The doctor's tone matched his.
"She never made up for the mistakes that she made during our childhood." He took a deep breath. As if the mere admission of what he considered to be a fact, was making him to run out of breath.
"Instead,she remarried and started a new family."
"So you don't even keep in touch?" Morrison checked, probably to get her facts straight.
"No," he slowly shook his head. A frown had appeared on his face.
"And your sister?"
"What about her?" His frown instantly smoothed.
"Is she a big part of your life?" She quickly noted something in her notebook.
"She's the only family that I have." To him; this was an easy question. He didn't even need to take a minute or so to think about the response to it, because the answer came easily. And from a place of joy too.
"You're quite fond of her," Morrison commented.
"I got good news from her just yesterday," Adonis smiled. "She's pregnant and getting married."
For the first time since entering the room, he felt calm and at peace. He didn't pace, or even tap his shoes on the floor. But instead, crossed his legs. As if to get more comfortable, in order to delve into anything that had something to do with his little sister. Who was one of the few important people in his life, and most definitely at the top of the list too.
"How do you feel about that?" She prompted.
"Even though I don't quite know the guy, I'm happy for her." He said with a small smile.
"You see what you did there?" She raised an eyebrow. Then placed her pen in the middle of the two pages she was writing in, and closed the notepad.
"Where?" Adonis frowned.
Most times,he misled her with his theatrical confusion. But right in that moment,he really was lost.
"Your response to that question could have been a personalized one, but you shifted all of the question's attention to your sister." Morrison clarified.
"Is that a bad thing?" He folded his arms, in a defensive stance.
"No,"she shook her head.
"A good thing,then?" He checked.
"No," came her response. Which confused him even further.
"Are you at least going to tell me what it means?" He asked, feeling stressed because he was finally realizing how his being there didn't mean automatical healing. And that he was still required to do a lot of work, and even endure a few more similar sessions.
"It means we're making progress Mr Fielding." She said with a straight face.
"So no more sessions after this one?" He felt an odd mix of hope,joy, and excitement as he waited for her answer.
"Progress in this case means that we're just getting started." The doctor said.
"Oh boy," Adonis muttered to himself. Feeling disappointed and more confused.
Because at a number of points during his sessions, there were moments where he felt totally lost and failed to follow. Despite the conversations being about his very own life.
"Did you find time to think more about why you shut people out, and if it's in any way related to your childhood?" She moved on to the second phase of the homework she had given him when they last met.
"Not really,or at least not until now." He confessed. "I never liked homework much."
"I appreciate the honesty,"she smiled a little before asking. "When you say not until now, does it mean you've now thought about it?"
"Something like that," he shrugged.
"Over to you then," Morrison opened her recently closed notepad to resume her note taking.
"The question has been playing in my head this whole past week," he sighed. Suddenly feeling exhausted.
Morrison nodded,urging him to continue.
"But I didn't try answering it,not even once. Because I guess I just decided that the next time I saw you, I would just tell you no." He shared his truth as it was.
"Why?" She didn't even do so much as frown or let a judgemental expression flash across her face. She just seemed interested in hearing what he had to say.
As far as her emotions went, she seemed detached. She appeared not even the least offended by his admission of his intended lying plans.
"Denial,maybe."he shrugged. "Or just a refusal to open the can of worms that is my past."
"I take it you've since changed your mind?"
"I may as well," Adonis stood again and headed back to the little space by the windows.
"You're making the right choice," she encouraged.
"It doesn't feel like it," he said slowly shaking his head.
"What does it feel like?" She asked in a soothing voice.
"Like opening a bad door that I've kept tightly shut and closed for years," he admitted.
Then he began closely studying the vases of flowers that lined by the window. He looked inside one vase intently, then moved to another one.
"And that scares you?" She checked.
"More than you know," he let out a brief bitter laugh.
"Why?"
"Because I may have your company now, as I dig into my long dead and buried past." He began. "But the very minute I walk out of here, I'll be left to deal with the haunting ghosts alone."
"You have a power over those ghosts," she sold him a different perspective.
"What do you mean?" He stopped his vase and flower exploration to stare at her.
"By talking to me; by sharing your story and fears, you're basically getting rid of whatever power they may have held over you all these years." The woman's earnest eyes bore into his, forcing him to avert his gaze.
"You'll realize this after a few more sessions," she assured him.
"I hope so," he muttered.
"So, back to the homework. What were your findings?" She prompted.
"I'm still going with safety," he walked back to his seat. This time around, he even found himself lying on the couch. "And it most definitely has something to do with my childhood. I felt replaceable to my own mother, the one woman that I used to trust with every fiber of my being. So I think it would be very unreasonable, risky and irresponsible of me to trust some random stranger like that again. And the fact that I would have to allow myself to trust them enough to build a relationship, makes it even worse."
In his mind, he thought the idea of him exploring those trust depths with someone, was something that would really be a test of fate. A risk he wasn't willing to take.
"I understand," Morrison said quietly. "I'm going to ask you something now, and I want you to think carefully before responding."