LA STORIA DELLA EMMA COLETTE: LA MUJER DIABLE
Emma: Why all the drama foolish Ed?! Why the heck is the title in Spanish?! If you can even call that Spanish!
Me: Don't call me Ed! My name is…THE DRAGON KING, SNAKE KING!!! (An infringement already! Copyright infringement 1: A Parody of a Satire! Tower Of Druaga, man that first episode rocked like hell being smacked around by my grandma!)
Emma: So what'ze subject matter for today?!
Me: See you around the corner!
Emma: What was that?
Me: Haaah, didn't you read the script? Well let me refresh your memory with a scenario.
SCENARIO: (HEY! I JUST SAID THAT DUMBASS!)
03/05/2014
(A boy returns home from the cinema. He runs in and drops his bag. His dad sits in the hall reading a newspaper).
Son: Hey dad! Dad! I just watched this movie about dragons and you know, they're really awesome. How they breathe fire, and their wings and speed…
Dad: Son, son son. Dragons don't exist. I think I've told you that more than once! (Dad begins to get irritated).
Boy: But Dad!
Dad: No buts son! I raised you to be a critical thinker, not a fantasizing fool!
Boy: (Disappointed). O-kay dad, I'll just go to my room.
MEANWHILE…666, 666, 666, 666, 666, 666 feet below the earth…
ABONSAM: (He's ba-a-a-ack!) B) So he says I don't exist huh? He's fortunate I don't have my red dragon body on now. Thanks to that despicable Ed, I need some time to recover…however…I think I know who my next victim is….huuuhuhuhuhuhu!!!
NEXT DAY…
Dad goes shopping. As he leaves the mall and heads home on foot, he thinks of his son's obsession with dragons.
Dad: Heh! No son of mine would be such a fantasizing fool. He reaches his turn and makes a left turn at his turn. (Haaah, man, for lack of words…)…
There…he bumps into a stranger clothed in cosplay wear!
???: Hello Mr Ras Kubolo, how do you do?
Dad: Oh, I'm fine.
???: Mr Ras, you know, have you made sure your house is insured? There've been a lot of weird things happening around lately…random accidents and stuff like that.
Dad: Yeah, I've got em all, my properties are all insured, my health is, my life is. I just need to write my will…
???: So if you died now, everything would be distributed via the intestate succession law huh?
Dad: Am I foolish enough to tell a stranger that?
???: Well, you've told me all I need to know, you have no will.
Dad: Who may you be by the way?
???: Kuuuukukuku! I am…the Dragon Emperor! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(TRANSFORMS INTO A DRAGON AS THE SCENE FADES OUT WITH BLAZING RED EYES PERMEATING YOUR MIND IN THE OTHERWISE DARK ROOM IN THE HOUSE YOU'RE READING THIS IN).
(SEE YOU AROUND THE CORNER! A TERM USED TO REFER TO THE PHENOMENON OF RUNNING INTO THE ONE THING WHOSE EXISTENCE YOU HAVE MOST VEHEMENTLY DENIED!)
SCENARIO END…
Emma: There be a lotta things I could say right now Ed…but I'll just reserve my comments.
EPISODE TITLE: EMMA COLETTE IN 'SEE YOU AROUND THE CORNER' (Except, she's not in this one)
DA KOR BI (One day…)
I decided to take a walk in town. Wondering which of my stories deserved more attention.
Me: Hmm hmm hmm, I must make sure Zanfar is a badass! Ma heroes will have to endure tons. The more cheesy the lines…the more the melodrama, the more them girls will rake in the cash.
Emma: I soooo pity you.
Me: Hey! You'ze not supposed to be in this ep!
Emma: I'm not, just commenting. Yet somehow I feel by the end of this day, divine punishment will rain on you!
Me: Hey hey, what are you, Nijima Haruo?
Me: God forbid!
Emma: You might not even reach town before…
SCENE(ON THE WAY TO TOWN)…
???: Hey you!
Me: (I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that).
??? 2: You the one in the dumb looking outfit.
Me: Hey! What's your problem? (Slowly turn around).
Emma: So you know that much and still won't improve your wardrobe huh?
??? 3(Sinister voice): I think we need to have a serious chat.
Me: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH????!!!!!!! What's this?! Impossible! Sacre bleu!!! Ce n'est pas possible! Zetai muri!!!!
Emma: Hey, don'tcha think you're objecting too vehemently to people you've never met?
Me: Except I've met them. That dude with the messy hair and golden eyes is Ayzan Nightbane from my story Dreamweaver…and the guy with the blue hair is Ryu from Dragon Zone TCHH…and the other guy with silver hair…TEMAE! I haven't even finished a single episode of your story yet so what're you doing here Olele?!!!
??? X(No longer) Ayzan Nightbane O(New identity)!
??? 2 X Ryu O!
??? 3 X Old Living Everlasting Entity aka Code Ageless Olele O!
Ryu: KISAAAMAAAA! We're going to have a serious talk…Edwin M Bozie!!!
Me: BET WHY?
Zan: Don't get smartmouthed with us! Prepare thineself! (Zanfar mode active).
Me: Eeeek! (Prepares to run).
Olele: Tsk tsk tsk, don't forget, it will take me only 0.00000023592 microseconds into the future to get to where you're standing now.
Me: Olele, why did I even attempt to write a story about you!!! If it were Zan or Ryu alone, I could escape!
Emma: Like I said, Divine punishment. And it's not even sunset yet. Well, let me retitle the episode.
EPISODE TITLE: COUPE DE MONDE, THE EXISTENCE OF UNIVERSAL TRANSLITERATION…
Ed: Emma! This is your doing isn't it?! When I get out of this alive, I'll deport you to Arabia to live with your cousin Sinbad!
Emma: Interesting to hear that you can imply that there's a way you can get out of this…'Not alive'. I'll make a note of that.
Ed: TEEEMAAAAEEEEEE!!!! (Scene fades out).
TWO HOURS LATER:
Water is poured on Ed's face.
Emma: You demon! Suddenly switching to third person!
Me: (Smirk) What more is there as long as I am happy?
Emma: I can see it now, the gods of literature, waiting to rain verbal curses on you.
Me: Temae! Why do you think I've worn my verbal kicks?! Bring it on!
Emma: … … (whisper whisper whisper)…
Me: Hey you! Don't even think about…
Emma: Heheh, try completing your sentence from a first person perspective!
(I immediately find myself tied to a pole. Ryu, Zan and Olele tower over me threateningly).
Me: Emma Colette…I won't forget this…so you better look forward to episode 4! Emma in Arabia!
Emma: Why don'tcha'ze try surviving this ep first.
Olele: Universal transliteration!
NEXT SCENE: COURTROOM…
Me: You can't be serious.
Judge=Olele
Prosecutor=Ryu.
Defence attorney=Ayzan Nightbane.
Me: Zan, (tear-stained face), I knew you'd definitely defend me. You're the character closest to my heart. Thank you.
Zan: (Gin Ichimaru smile) Don't worry Edwin, Dreamweaver, the story you wrote about my life only killed off my gramps(damn you!), made me a hated half-breed(don't forget it!), well I did meet Ayu so I'm glad but then…
Me: No more…just let me die.
Olele: I don't think so! Everyone deserves a fair trial in spite of their shortcomings, the Geneva Convention rules!
Me: What? I'm a prisoner of war now?
Olele: On the other hand, it goes without saying (SFX: Kiishikishikishikishi!!!) that it's their own stupid fault if their lawyer holds a grudge against them and wants them convicted.
Me: (Sigh) You're a demon! Hey! This isn't fair! It's no justice!
Ryu: I put it to you dear accused that you've been brought before the court of literary sciences for the crime of writing off our existences as means for your personal entertainment.
Me: Emma, am I that cruel?
Emma: A-a-actually…compared to your actual nature, I'd say that's the description of an angel.
Me: You're inhuman.
Olele: Bring forth the charges against the accused.
Ryu: Hmm, here are the charges, your honor. The accused is accused…
Me: Heerrrh! What sort of mockery is this?
Ryu: Mm mmh! I think it wise to lay the charges as follows;
1. The decimation of a race of dragons.
2. The murder of the parents of almost all his main characters.
3. Forcing his characters to live out in poverty.
4. Forcing most male characters to fall for tsunderes!
Me: Idiot! Maybe I could try writing a yandere as your gfs, and by that I mean guardian forces!
Ryu, Olele, Zan: No thanks, we're pretty sure you won't survive this ep. (Yanderic smile).
Me: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH?! What's that supposed to mean?!
Ryu: The charges aren't over yet;
5. Forcing characters to have alter egos that end up becoming the final boss!
Me: Hey that's a pretty damn cool plot twist!
Zan: I don't think so. It's overrated, clichéd and makes us sound like schizophrenics.
Me: Hey defence attorney, why don't you do your job?!
Olele: Silence or you will be held in contempt of the court!
Me: Ha, nice threat, and why is Ab)nsam(the Devil) after you again? This court should in fact be held in contempt of the court. What next? You going to sue me for premeditated abduction of royalty? (CPR infringement number 1; A farce held in the courtroom).
Ryu: Actually, that's the sixty eighth charge moron.
Me: You should be sued for verbal abuse!
Olele: I find the accused guilty as charged for all offences and condemned to…
Me: No way are you guys going to jinx me you ridiculous misrepresentations of myself! Hey defence! Your goalpost is wide open temae!!!
Zan: Nah, I've defended you as best as I can. It's not my fault if your allies are determined to score own goals, is it? It pretty much goes without saying that I hate your guts.
Me: Hey hey, seriously? (Sigh) Would you guys at least listen to me first?
Olele: Your final words? Let's hear them.
Me: Haha, I see you already sentenced me to…not coming out of my mouth damn you!
Olele: Is that all you wanted to say?
Me: You guys just don't get it do you. Do you despise yourselves right now?
Ryu: I'm way past that point now.
Me: See? That's the point. You guys have all grown into dependable men so happy ending happy ending.
Olele: Except for you.
Me: Wait! Can't I at least complete your stories first?
Ryu: Ha! Mine is over already.
Me: Was thinking of writing a sequel about your son.
Ryu: Don't even think about it! Try it and I'll bury you.
Olele: So by which means should we carry out his sentence? Drop him off a cliff? Guillotine? Perhaps hang him upside down for a few years over a sea of Piranhas?
Me: And you call yourselves young men?! You're more like toddlers in adult bodies!
Olele: And what does that make you...our supposed author?
Me: Okay yeah, good point.
Zan: You gave up too easily.
Me: You guys at least are honorable aren't you? (Glasses yarou mode activated!)
Ryu: Where did those glasses even come from?!
Me: I know none of you are dishonorable enough to kill an unarmed civilian.
Olele: And you still have the guts to call yourself a civilian when in our world you decide who goes to war and who ends up as a casualty?!
Me: Fools! I don't plan out my stories so conveniently bakayarou! I just let events play out naturally depending on your dialogues temae-tachi!!! Now listen, you at least have the honour to grant me a last request! I want you to promise me that!
Olele: Heh! Why not? It's not like anything's going to change for the better for you. As long as it is not to free you, we'll grant you anything you ask. If we don't, you are free to kill us in case you survive.
Me: What sort of demon did you guys imagine me to be. Haaah, well, this is my final request. I wish to choose how I die at the very least.
Ryu: Heheheheh, a smart lad aren't you?
Me: I want you to throw me into a volcano.
Olele: HAAAAAH?!
Me: With all my personal effects including...but not limited to all the books I've written.
Olele: HAAAAAAH?!
Me: Well, you should be ready to pay the consequences if you are that willing to sentence me to death...if I go down, let's all go down together... ;) (Yanderic smile!)
Olele: We really underestimated you...you got us there...Zan, release him.
(Zan unties my ropes).
Me: Thank you...MEENA DOMO! SAYONARA!!! (And like Zan said in Dreamweaver ep 1, no way was I going to wait around long enough for an answer!)
Emma: Well what do you know, you actually survived.
Me: Heh, you ain't seen nothing yet, while most tods were seeking out toys as kids, I was undergoing mentoring from Ananse in my school's library. So Emma, like I quite remember...
Emma: (Whistle whistle) Ed, I just remembered there's something I need to get.
Me: Emma, don't even dream about it. Once you walk out that door, we're talking deportation in tomato crates! Now then, you better look forward to it Emma, Ep 4: Emma in Arabia! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!