Me: Hello inferior human creatures! Bow before the power of the great Edwin Mwintome Bozie-sama-san-dono!
Emma: Idiot! That's too many titles for one human!
Me: Shut up Colette! You ain't going to steal my spotlight! As I was saying human things, by now, you all know me for my epic prologues but if you haven't heard of me…go jump in a lake!
Emma: Kimi wa dare da?! (And who are you again?)
Me: I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see that rubbish come out of your mouth. So guys, usually you'd hear me begin my story with the words…once long ago…many eons ago…blah blah blah (First copyright infringement!) However, we be doing something a little new this time. First a word of caution…
Disclaimer…
I do not claim to own this work. It is only made for fan purposes and is not-for-profit! Any harm resulting from this work being publicized is the sole responsibility of the reader. This work is free from erotica and to the best of my knowledge foul language but violence may ensue thus parental guidance is suggested…HOWEVER(TO PUBLISHERS), IF YOU DARE TO NOT COLLECT MY ROYALTIES FOR THIS WORK, I'LL SUE YOUR SORRY ASSES BROKE!
Me: There, a nice diss-claimer. Now another word of caution…
VIEWER CAUTION…
This work was created and intended for a badass audience! If you are hoping to learn any moral lessons, go burn the sea and if you succeed and are still alive after doing it, come try reading. However, there is one kind of moral lesson you can learn from this, it's…WHAT NOT TO DO! Any further damage to your psychological makeup and character is solely your responsibility!
Me: There, another nice viewer caution…Heh! I should be working with copyright.
Emma: Get on with the show for crying out loud damn you!
Me: First an introduction…can't start without an epic prologue can we?
PROLOGUE
It is the year 2014 in humanity's present timeline but this story begins wa-a-a-ay further back into the past. Since the beginning of time, a memory has been deeply ingrained into the memories of all living things, a memory of aggression as a means of survival…a memory of fighting! (Second Copyright infringement!) However, tekken is not the only key to life as you will learn.
I remember a day in mankind's past clearly, the day mankind was given the Decalogue on Mount Sinai! Ten laws that must be obeyed! Howe'er, by the year 214 B.C, mankind's laws had exceeded a hundred. 1826A.D, mankind's laws now had sub-clauses and sub-dub-semi-clauses. Finally, by the year, 2000A.D they had invented the ultimate creative-limiting monster! Copyright!
What the hell is that supposed to be nowadays?! Why the heck are people stupid enough to want to steal someone else's work of art! If you take a borrowed idea and refine it, you have a new idea as you will see in a short while! By the year, 1998A.D, I was old enough(5 years old) to read the restrictions on Movie rating!
Warning:
This work is owned by blah blah blah and protected under U.S copyright law, and what was it again?! Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law! (Sounds just like an arrest warrant damn you! No offense to Copyright agencies, just the people that misuse the power of copyright!)
What the heck am I talking about? Here is a prime example!
Viewer Caution:
The following work is an original creation and purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or historical event warrants one heck of a damn fine apology! A lot of movies or works I've seen don't have that warning and no one complains so why the heck would you put that on your work unless you really wished to invade someone's privacy or offend someone as legally as you could damn well do!
BTW, whoever invented the mirroring of videos is a damn fine genius! Thanks to him/her, I can watch a lot of animes for free and I'm not infringing copyright! Thumbs up man/woma-a-an!
FYI! Do you know in a certain country I once visited, you could watch a movie in HD, perfect quality before it actually premieres? Now you know why Prisoner Of Azkaban didn't hit as much as Chamber Of Secrets!
Emma: A wild and senseless presumption made without research!
Me: Thank you Emma Colette! That is why you're my main character! You yourself are an infringement on copyright in your very existence! And not because of your name so if you want to sue me, make sure you have enough money in your safe or I might end up benefitting instead because…(Third copyright infringement)…this is just an innocent fanfic of a work that doesn't exist
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yet…
So call forth your copyrights and your laws; and your legitimacies to all your works…in the end…I'm actually dumb enough to be caught quite easily!
(BTW this ain't a challenge to the law, just an innocent opinion! After all, Human Right No: What was it again? Freedom of expression!) And this is just what you hear right before a coup d'etat which is French for... "Cutlass the state!" (Fourth Copyright infringement).
Emma: Now you're just being ridonkeylous! (Fifth Copyright infringement, also known as the "One ring to rule them all in the name of cliches!")
BTW, I am the one doing all the breaking and not the things I'm quoting!
EPISODE 1:
"This is purely an original and fictional creation, any resemblance to any actual persons, alive or dead/events is purely coincidental"
(Cleverly invented by George Orwell in his work "Animal Farm" which is the first ever Comic Satire I ever read! Thumbs up man! You're a genius!)
EPISODE TITLE: A CRAZY FIGHT OVER A TURKEY WORTH ONLY TEN COWRIES! AKA HOW EVERY SENSELESS WAR STARTS!
It is the year 1994/19-something-4, not sure of the accurate date. The Kingdom of Nankonkom has been peaceful for many years. The rains had been plentiful for the past…well…they had been plentiful since the birth of the oldest man in the village so the people had never seen poverty in their lives. However, for the past six months, the rains had not fallen and the sun was pretty scorching.
The Kingdom revolved around the decisions of two men who happened to be…(I was about to say head of their clans but…actually)…they're some people, who in anime you'd hear a character ask "Kimi wa dare da?" Their names were Nanum and Kokon. They were from two different tribes that had been at peace for nearly nine generations.
DA KOR BI…(ONE DAY)
In Kokon's house…
Kokon's wife: You lazy man! You never help with farm work and you provide no money for house-keeping! Take these ten cowries and go to the market! Make sure you buy the fattest turkey there or don't come back!
Kokon: Tchh! Nagging wife! Because of women like you, John the Baptist was beheaded! (Runs out of the house before his wife can react).
Heads to the market.
Nanum's house…
Nanum's wife: Darling! You've been working so hard. Because of your diligence, we always have enough to eat. I want to prepare a treat for you. Can you go to the market and buy me the fattest turkey there so that I can prepare some Turkey Kakra soup for you?
Nanum: Of course schnukkums-knuckums! (How evil are you?! Even that cute toddler's nice song?! And that my friends was the 9001th copyright infringement). And the number of the copyright infringement is itself another infringement.
Nanum heads to the market.
At the Market…
Kokon is at the Turkey shop, whatever its official name is called.
Kokon: Taeki, how much does the fattest Turkey here cost.
Taeki: Twelve cowries. It's the one over here.
(Taeki points to a very healthy, meaty Turkey, whose only possible fate in that cruel village was to be eaten).
Author comment:
Emma: Why the 'cruel'?
Me: Fifth copyright infringement, 'No animals were harmed in the making of this movie'.
Emma: Sia(Foolish) you! Is this a story or a joke?
Me: It is a Korean anime drama.
Emma: UUUUSSSOOOOOOOO DAAAAAROOOOOOUUUUUU!!!! (Sorry, couldn't help it, borrowed culture, Sixth Copyright infringement).
Back to the story…
Kokon: Taeki, I beg, reduce the price. Make it eight cowries. That way, you give me thirty four per cent discount.
Taeki: Ten cowries is my last price.
Kokon: Deal!
Me: (Satanic wicked!) The evils of bargaining! He had ten cowries to begin with!
At that moment, Nanum arrives. The previous day, the two men had drank palm wine together as was their habit on hot afternoons, so everyone knew them to be very close.
Nanum: Yo Kokon!
Kokon: Yo Nanum, what's poppin'?!
Nanum: Just came to do some shopping, how's your wife?
Kokon: That money vampire?! She owns a pretty fine place in the Twilight movies that will be released in 2012! (Seventh Copyright infringement!)
When he said this, it was 19-something-4. How funny that the prophecy of an ignorant man came to pass.
Nanum: Taeki, I want your fattest Turkey! Name your price.
Taeki: Twelve cowries!
Nanum: Deal, here you go!
Taeki: Sold to the highest bidder!
(Hands Turkey to Nanum).
Kokon: Hey, Nanum, I've already bought that Turkey.
Nanum: It's mine now.
Kokon: Give it back!
Nanum: No!
Kokon: Yes!
Nanum: No!
Kokon: Yes!
Nanum: No!
Kokon: No!
Nanum: Yes!
Kokon: No!
Nanum: Yes!
(Hands Turkey To Kokon).
Kokon: Thank you!
(Eighth Copyright infringement! A cliché that always works!)
Nanum: Give it back!
Kokon: Water the Sahara desert and come back for it baka you! Temae you! (An idiotic attempt to infringe on copyright!)
Nanum: (Punches Kokon on the face!)
Kokon bleeds, reels over and clutches his nose. He is bleeding.
Kokon: Nanum, is that how you are?! After drinking free palm wine in my house for six months! So these are your true colours!
Nanum: SSSIIIIIAAAAAAAAA! FOOOOOOOL!!!!! AHO BAKA!!! We are of the same nationality and our skin colour is the same so if these are my true colours, you're not much different!
(Idiocy in patriotism!)
The two men fight!
Kokon's brothers pass by and see the scuffle! They pounce on Nanum to subdue him! Nanum's brothers come to help and it becomes a tribal conflict. Nanum's supporters come from all over as do Kokon's and it becomes an ethnic war!
The two clans fight over and over again, burning one another's property and plantation!
PART TWO: FOR THE SAKE OF GOSSIP!
NINETY FOUR YEARS LATER…
Kokon and Nanum lie on their death beds, in their houses. The village is a mess and poverty has taken strong hold of everyone's lives.
Nanum and Kokon both have six sons.
Nanum: Sons, listen to me. You can never forgive the Kokonsons. They are the cause of our village's misfortune! Because, they cheated us, the gods have wrought their havoc on our village! Avenge the deaths of our brothers!
Sons: Father, what started this war?
Nanum: This war began because…Kokon stole my…(Begins to cough violently!)
Sons give him water.
Sons: Your what Pa?
Nanum: My (cough! Cough! Cough!)
Sons: Tell us Pa.
Nanum: My…(Then he pulls an amazing Turaga Likhan death on his sons!)(Satanic wicked!)
Eldest Son: So that's what happened?! No wonder Kokon suddenly became rich when we became poor! Kokon stole Dad's Pot Of Gold!
Me: WAAAA! LOOK! YOUR FOOLISHNESS WILL START ANOTHER WAR! LET'S HOPE KOKON IS WISE ENOUGH TO STOP HIS SONS!
In Kokon's house
Kokon: My sons, never forgive Nanum! Because of his cheating nature, the gods blessed us with wealth while he suffered poverty!
Me: Why am I not surprised?
Emma: I soooo saw that coming.
Sons: What caused the war?
Kokon: Ask your mother! Her vampiric nature was one cause!
Sons: Mom died six years ago.
Kokon: Aaaah! And look at me. Because I was so worried about her reaction, it has driven me to my death bed! If only I knew, nanka(How I would not…it's an expression that could mean many things and not an official word) I would have brought in six concubines!
Me: SSSSIAAAA YOU!
Sons: What caused the war dad?!
Kokon: Nanum…he…(and he pulls a Leonardo Di Caprio-ic Titanic like death on his sons).
Eldest Son: Now I know! Nanum slept with Ma!
THAT NIGHT…
HEN ARA KOTOKO! YE WO BIRIBI KOTOKO! HEN ARA KOTOKO! YE WO BIRIBI KOTOKO! YENNIWA BER! YENNIWA BER KOOO!
TRANSLATION!
WE THE PORCUPINES! WE ARE HAVING SOMETHING PORCUPINE! (2X FOR THE SAKE OF TIME!)
OUR FACES ARE RED WITH ANGER!!!
A clash that lasted a lifetime.
Now Cardgames on Motorcycles…
News Reporter: The resulting carnage lasted for at least five hours and unfortunately there were no survivors! (Ninth Copyright infringement! Trying to create backstories in a fanfic where there are none/they have already been established! WHO ASKED YOU DUMBASS?! BTW I used to write fanfics).
The Story Thus Far…
Two men argued over a Turkey worth less than a dollar in price and this turned into a full-blown tribal war. Foolishly, this conflict was carried on by their sons and grandsons. Let's see how other supporters were dragged into the conflict.
Nanto: I was told Kokon assaulted Nanum unjustly.
Konto: I was told Nanum assaulted Kokon unjustly.
Nankan: I was told Kokon stole Nanum's inheritance.
Konkan: I was told Nanum's inheritance was lost in a fire outbreak and he unjustly accused Kokon.
I could go on and on…
Moral lesson:
Gossips! You are the remote, yet direct causes of cataclysmic escalations in small scale conflicts and their respective evolutions into large-scale conflicts of epic proportions! Do your research and you'll find out that most wars begin with misinformation rather than misdeeds!
CENSORSHIP! I HEREBY PROCLAIM THAT, THE ACCUSATIONARY TONE BE CENSORED TO AVOID PUBLIC MAYHEM!
Hollywood/Nollywood/Bollywood/Follywood/And all other Oily Woods: Leave it to us! On our honour, we will carry out this promise!
PART THREE: THE UTTER DIABOLIC STUPIDITY OF WARS THAT LAST MORE THAN TWO GENERATIONS!
Emma: Looks like they rather amped the use of accusationary and foul language.
Me: AKUUUUUUU!!!(E-E-E-E-E-E-VI-I-I-I-I-IL!!!) As expected of them. They broke their promise right away! Precisely why I left this in their hands!
(The evils of the entertainment industry).
Emma: And you just became the Number One douchebag in all of God's creation.
This part is going to be really short, just a short narration and a few lines.
The Kokonsons and Nanumsons had been fighting for over something generations, and the war had completely destroyed their land!
(On the battlefield!)
Kokonsons: We'll never forgive you for your evil against us Nanumsons!
Nanumsons: We'll wipe you all out Kokonsons!
Me: Emma, your turn.
(Enter Emma Colette! The heroine of this drama walks into their midst clothed in her badass heroine clothes and wielding a cellphone with devastating power!)
Me: Seriously?
Emma: Shut up you'ze! Whatzza cause of this war? Give me a foolish answer and I'll wipe you all out!
Me: Wait, seriously?
Kokonsons: With what weapon?!
Emma: Nokia E75! In your face!
Kokonsons and Nanumsons: MTCHHEEEEEWWWW! GELEGE FOR THERE!!! (GET OUT OF HERE! THEY REMOVE SAMSUNG GALAXIES, NOKIA LUMIAS AND IPHONES!)
Me: SERIOUSLY?!!!
Emma: Why the heck've you been fighting?!
Kokonson: This war had lasted nine generations. (From 19-something-4 to 2014).
Emma: Why that long ya fools?!
Nanumson: Because they! They! Uh…um…what did they do again?!
Kokonson: You! You! Uh…um…What did you do again?!
Nanumson #2: My dad said we should never forgive you! I'll wipe you out!
Kokonson: My dad said I should never forgive you! You'll pay!
Emma: Hello Ed, what was the cause of this fight darling?
Me: A Turkey.
Emma: Prepare to die you fools! You've taken so many lives for something less expensive than a loaf of bread! Feel the Power Of Nokia E75!
(Dials....! Waits for dial tone).
Man: Hello Mistress Emma, how can I help you?
Emma: Put Natsu Dragneel online! (Tenth Copyright infringement! The worst and what Capcom tried to do with BOF! Never slap the name of a well-known franchise on a piece of….whamsssadodopoo just to get attention, you will reap more than you have sown!!!
(Eleventh Copyright infringemement! Stealing badass quotes from the Bible for personal gain!)
Emma: Now you're just paranoid but I think there is actually a quote that says something like, never sow thorns amongst people, you might reap an abundant harvest!
Me: Never heard of it! Stop forging your own stuff!
Emma: Hello Natsu! Commence Operation Sodom And Gomorrah!
Me: WOW! WHAT A RIP OFF!!!! (Eleventh Copyright infringement!)
Natsu: (Out Of Nowhere) Roar of the Fire Dragon! Fire Dragon's Claws! Sword Edge! Wing-Beat! Fire Dragon's Crimson Exploding Edge! (Flames lay waste to the land. In an instant, it led to the carnage you heard of in Cardgames on Motorcycles!)
Moral Lesson: A piece of trash in the hands of an influential person is more dangerous than an H-Bomb in the hands of a fool!)
END OF EPISODE 1