"How could I have ever brought a child like you into my home?". My adopted father angrily spat at me. His expression was filled with disgust, but why? Why? Why? Must he hate me? Why must I be thrown away like trash once again? What did I do wrong?
However, even if he hates me, I cannot help but beg him not to abandon me. "Father, please don't…. Hic…. Please don't hate me.... pl...please don't leave me alone" I begged with tears falling uncontrollably down my face, I was afraid. I have never seen that expression on his face before. Why does he look like that man? I don't want you to leave me too.
I frantically looked the room, which was unchanged, in a desperate searched for my adopted mother. "Mo…. Mother" I called repeatedly, hoping to find the woman who had for the past fifteen years had loved and cared for me when I had no one else. I needed to find her because I knew she wouldn't allow my father to part with me, in my heart I so desperately wanted to believe this.
From a distance, I saw my mother holding what appeared to be a letter, and on her face she wore the same expression I saw on my birth mother's face. My body trembled the closer I got to her, "Mo…. Mother…. Mother" I called.
However, the closer I got, the further away she became. Why couldn't I reach her? Why does she not look at me? "Mother, why do you look at me like that? Please don't let father send me away….. Mother!" I tried to speak, but no words came from me.
Immediately, my surroundings became black, and it felt as though I was falling into an abyss. In fear, I called desperately for my parents "mother….father…..please…ple." wishing I could see them again them to beg forgiven me and promise I will be a better son.
:
:
"Beep, beep, beep". I was suddenly awoken to the sound of my alarm, I sighed lowly, realising that it was all just a dream, a horrible dream.
"Ah, not again" I said to myself, ripping the sheets from my body and forcing myself out of bed in despair. My heart was still racing and my body trembling in fear when I entered the shower.
As I let the hot water beat against my head, I went into a state of trace and watched the water flow into the brain below.
I began to question myself, Was I that scared to return to Korea? I thought I have gotten over my fear years ago. It was clear that all those years of therapy did nothing, had I still been unconsciously hiding my true thoughts? And it is now unleashing its self at the worst possible moment?
"Get it together Cheolsu, you're a 31 years old, man up!". I clenched my fist and convinced myself up, pushing all unnecessary thoughts to the back of my mind.
As I was finishing up in the shower, I heard the sound of someone in my bedroom. Naturally, I was aware that it could only be Ryan, who would often come into my room first thing and snuggle up with me like a baby. "Ryan, I need to get dressed, go back to your bedroom!" I called out, picking up my toothbrush and looking at delicate feathers in the mirror.
Normally, I would hear him moan and groan and be reluctant to leave, with me sending half the time coaxing him by any means out my room.
Ryan, who is also adopted, and is of African descent, is the baby of the family at nine years old. He is by far the most spoilt, next to Lisa.
Curious as why I hadn't heard him respond, I called out to him again, "Ryan…. Ryan!". I called his name from the bathroom, quickly finishing up and wrapping a towel around my waist in a panic. As I burst through the bathroom doors I came face-to-face with the last person I was expecting to see.
"M…mother" I uttered in shock.
Immediately a frowned formed on her face, "boy, why yuh naked in fronta yuh mother? Gwan go put on clothes!" She scolded me in her Caribbean accent.
Like a child I pouted, "you're the one in my room uninvited" I mumbled under my breath, making my way into my walk in closet.
Even at the great age of 31 I still get excited at seeing my mother. "How comes you're here already, I thought you weren't coming back until next week?" I asked her, trying to hide the fact I was elated at her early arrival.
Without hesitation, she replied, "I missed you all, and couldn't wait, I was already at the airport when I have called you yesterday. I literally just stepped in and came right away to see you. But why are you up so early? Did you have a nightmare?" She asked, causing my body to flinch.
"N…no… wh-what kind of grown man has nightmares?" I answered, slightly flustered, knowing that she wouldn't be convinced by such an answer.
And as expected, she wasn't, "hm mm if you say so. Anyway, are done getting dressed yet?" She asked impatiently, having already made herself comfortable in the available chair in my room.
Feeling wronged I muttered under lowed breaths to myself, "That's why I told you to leave the room, what mother sits and waits for their son to get dressed" I sighed.
"Have you forgotten I have good hearing" she suddenly spat at me. Ah! Crap! I thought, finishing the last button on my shirt and going to give her a quick hug from behind.
"Mummy did I tell you how much I missed you" I feign innocence and play on her affections for me.
Playfully she went along with me, "Boy, you're in your 30s, stop pulling that crap!" She pretended to scolded me with a bright smile on her face. At that moment, I felt recharged, and my uneasiness from my nightmare had disappeared. I felt deeply warm inside, as I looked up at the genuine happiness my presence brought to the woman.
"I really did miss you mum" I genuinely told her, receiving a tight hug from her, "I missed you too darling" she replied.
"But sweetheart, I need to talk to you" she continued, her tone causing me concern.
Taking a seat on my bed to face her, I waited to hear her out, "what's up!?"
For a moment she hesitated, something that was unlike her, "Mom?" I prompted her to continue.
Taking a deep breath, she began to speak softly, "Cheolsu…. You know mum doesn't like getting involved in your love life, right?" She questioned.
Frowning, I agreed, "right, but?" I began to become suspicious of her behaviour.
With a guilty expression, she continued, "but mum may have this time…."
"What do you mean, have you set me up on a blind date? Mum, are pumping me out?" I asked, receiving a 'are you ridiculous' glare from my mother, to her instantly pondering on my words, shocking me.
"Mum! Did you actually pimp me out!" I exclaimed, wide eye.
Quickly, she refuted waving her hands in protest, "no! Not exactly, I'm just helping someone to woo you. The decision is still up to you whether you date them or not!" She explained.
But even so, I couldn't believe her, "I am calling dad!" I instantly spat in defence. To be further dumbfounded by her following words, "your dad and brother are also involved" she confessed.
"WHAT??!!" I shouted, wide-eyed.
"Honey, it's not like that..... allow me to explain. I wasn't going to help them at first, but you're now in your 30s and haven't had a proper relationship, we're just worried about you. I was not even supposed to have told you, so please do not tell your brother or father. I just didn't want you hating us, then deciding to never see us after you found out. I promise the person is…. Well, they're lovely…. I like and accept them and if you accept them too we'll look forward to having them as an in-law" she confessed.
At that moment, I couldn't believe the nonsense the woman I looked up to all my life was spurring. They had never pushed the matter of my dating, and it was something I had wanted to avoid for as long a possible. I wanted to avoid finding out the truth about myself, what if I never feel anything towards this woman because am like... am like that? I couldn't make someone live their life never truly being loved and worst yet, what if I was unable to become aroused by her body.
A sudden rush of self-doubt overwhelmed me and my body began to tremble, "WH…who is she?" I asked after a while.
Receiving yet another complicated express from my mother, "she? Emm she? Sh… she's lovely…. She maybe a little different from a normal she… but if you both grow to love each other, just remember mum and dad accept you regardless of what…." she stuttered, her awkwardness piquing my interest even more.
There was something major about the matter my mother wasn't telling me, if the matter was simple, she would have come out and said it. But she seemed more concerned that I would hate her and father when I come to find out.
At that moment, I so desperately wanted to push the matter to say no, but I couldn't, I simply allowed her to continue.
"Cheolsu, I know this is going to sound strange but I, promise I would never abandon you, never. I have spent a lot of time with this person, they have some not so good points, but mum likes them and I know that they will love yon just as much as we do. And if they don't, mum will deal with them for you, but like I said, you don't have to accept them. I just don't want you to hate me and your father when you find out that we are involved….. Cheolsu I know this is a lot to ask that you pretend not to know. But please don't tell your brother and father what I have told, okay?" She pleaded.
For a while, I looked upon her, my emotions conflicted, for what she asked wasn't unreasonable.
Pushing all my doubts aside, I pursed my lips and reluctantly accepted her words, "okay mother, but could you please give me some time to think about it?" Even though all the cells in my body screamed no, I couldn't reject my mother, even if I disliked what she asked of me.