My body became frozen as I stood unable to move looking at this monstrosity before me. What I was even more surprised by what the fact that such a thing was available in the UK, and the creepiness of its message.
An uncomfortable chill came over my body, recalling the word 'Again'. I had left Korea fifteen years ago, and I don't recall any females of great significance that would want to meet me again, nor do I know of females I would want to meet again. The immediate shock, quickly turned to anger, as I recall vivid memories of a past I wanted to forget.
"Get rid of it" I coldly said to Andrea as I turned back into my office and slam its doors. My body became drained of its blood, wondering what psycho woman my family has sent after me. "What if they've set me up with a female serial killer? Oh my god, what if as soon as I step foot into Korea, she kidnaps me and holds me captive? Mum, what kind of physio have you got coming after your son?" I angrily muttered to myself, wanting to call my mother and voice my objections of the matter.
My brain became filled with numerous images and scenarios, some taken from TV drama's I have seen, to elaborate impossibilities carved from my anxieties.
How could I think differently when this person knows everything about me? How could someone think such creepy and stalking behaviour could be deemed courting?
What happened to simply approaching someone face-to-face and asking that person out? Not that I would yes if they do. But isn't that a better option, than creepily approaching that person's parents first and winning their favour, then sending them creepy flowers?
Suddenly at that moment an even more frightening thought crossed to my mind.
"Could she have known me from before the orphanage?" but I shock my head, believing this to be an impossibility, "No that's impossible, I had been removed from that family's tree and given a new name. There would be no details of me from before I was fifteen, when I was registered under my new name of Cheolsu Yong-Smith. Therefore, is she has to be someone, I had come across whilst at the orphanage" I muttered to myself, desperately trying to figure out whom she could be.
A part of me wanted to dismiss the matter as trivial and stop letting it bother me, but I couldn't. I knew only a handful of things from what my mother had told me. She was South Korean like myself, around the same age, and had known me from South Korea.
Immediately, I opened my phone, intending to contact my brother, to hesitantly closing its screen and placing it on my desk, deflated, as I recalled my promise to my mother to keep our conversation a secret.
"Aww! This is ridiculous" I muttered to myself, feeling annoyed that I was even making the situation becoming such an issue mentally. Deciding to dismiss the matter, I returned to my work, hoping my love for what I do would distract my mind from delving deeper into madness.
.
.
My day had passed quickly, with the matter pushed to the furthest parts of my mind. I had not informed my mother of the horrendous gift I had received, assuming that our silence on the matter meant she was not going to intervene once she had informed of her plans.
However, during our family dinner that evening she surprised me, "son did you receive something today at the office?" she asked awkwardly.
Instantly, my earlier emotions of feeling utterly embarrassed and enraged at the monstrously standing before my office door return. Defiant, I immediately lied, "No!, were you expecting something today" I asked causally, looking at her dead in the eyes, knowing she knew I was lying.
"….. Is that so?" she answered, her lips twitching wanting to call me out on the matter but reluctantly backed off.
I instantly felt guilty for acting like a child, recalling my earlier years when she had first adopted me, and I was very cruel to her. I had promised myself to never, act in such a manner towards her again, yet here I was annoyed at her for plotting against me.
With my head hung low, I tossed my food around my plate, wanting to ask her to stop this madness.
"It's been a while since we have been graced with that defiant attitude of yours" I heard my mother spoke, rising from her seat to tend to Lisa.
For a moment, I remained silent, before asking, "Should I be expected to receive such gifts often in the future? If so, can you tell her to stop or at least send something more discreet?" and before I couldn't stop myself I began rambling, my feelings visible. "And I have been meaning to asked, isn't it the man who's supposed to be the one pursing the woman? And not the other way around? What if I feel emasculated by her actions? And what kind of mother sells her own son to some random woman like that! Is she like a stalker, sending me gifts to my office when I don't even know who she is! Mum, do you really know this woman? What if she's a serial killer?" I exploded, voicing everything that had been playing on my mind all day.
For a while, the room was silent and my mother looked at me, her expression complicated, then finally she spoke softly. "Okay, seeing that you're so trouble by the matter, mummy will ask them to give up. But!" her expression instantly changed as she glared dangerously at me. "Yah! Cheolsu!, are you an old man? Why do speak of women as if we live in 20s! Why can't a woman pursue a man? Have you not heard the song equal rights and justice! I can't believe I have a sexist for a son" she scolded me rolling her eyes.
"Mum! Did you really quote such a song, it's filled with profanity!, where she talks about her private area and other inappropriate topics!" I fired back, feeling relief that she will have that person give up on the matter, but at the same time ashamed I had made such a fuss over something so trivial.
"How dare you! That is an iconic song every Caribbean woman knows, that song," she refuted, nodding her head and humming to the tune. She couldn't rightfully sing the lyrics in front my brothers and sisters. Who had been listening and was now looking at me intently, wanting to clearly question me on my outburst. Not wanting to deal with a sibling interview, I quickly jumped from my chair muttering some nonsense then leaving the room. "I am going to head to bed, as I still have quite a lot to finish up in the office tomorrow. Night."
.
.
.
The next two weeks passed quickly and like my mother had promised, she had cancelled her unrequested plans to help me with my love life. And like that, I had placed the matter in the back of mind, only now I was feeling apprehensive of returning for other reasons.
Honestly, the past two weeks have been filled with the same recurring nightmare of my adopted parents disowning me as my birth parents. Therefore, I had been having severe insomnia due to this, I contemplated whether I was having such nightmares because I was afraid of returning home or was I more afraid of coming across my biological family.
I knew they will not recognise me, considering my physically appearance have changed drastically since then.
Nonetheless, various thoughts crossed my mind, such as, would I feel anything towards them? Or would I react when I do come across them?
Don't misunderstand, I have no intension of reconciling with them or to purposely seek them out. As my feeling towards them are one of bitterness and nothingness. I feel for them the same emotions they felt for me on the day they discarded of me without turning back, and for the hurt I had endured after that. But returning within an architectural field, I am bound to cross paths with them. Therefore, I have another reason for this trip, and that is I want to move pass my past, to rid myself of old feelings that are no longer needed.
.
.
It was six thirty on a Tuesday morning, and I was already at London Heathrow Airport, having said my goodbyes the night before.
As I sat within the first class lounge, already missing my siblings and mother, I scrolled through my phone randomly trying to distract myself. My attention, however, was suddenly drawn to the infant crying of a newborn baby, who was in the arms of a man who looked more like a gangster than a father.
The torse of the man was eye-catching as to how large and muscular he was, with his lower half smaller but evenly proportioned. Though Asian like myself, he was tall, legs long and muscular. Appearance wise, he had sharp and define features, with a neatly shaped stubble around his mouth and jar line. His eyes were jet black, and narrow, with his bushy eyebrows almost touching. Giving him a complicated and indifferent look about him. His face alone was truly beautiful to look at, but his medium length hair that was half tied up into a ponytail made him appear a mix between a model and harden criminal. The man oozed sex appeal, I hadn't realised, but I had been staring at him for a long time when his narrowed eyes gazed upon me. Without meaning to, my heart began to beat fast, and my body suddenly felt hot, as I quickly turned away from him having been caught red-handed. It was truly embarrassing being caught in such a manner.
And for a while I could feel this cold glare piercing through me, I had not the confidence to look back at him, fearing he would think of me a pervert who stares at random people.
But if I had known then what I do now, my eyes had no business looking at strangers.
*** SONG: Equal rights and justice - Ishawna*** there is two version, clean and explicit.