The shock of my mother's intentions continued to play on my mind throughout the rest of the day, and before I realized it, another workday had come to an end. I left the office with Lisa and felt a sense of uneasiness that hadn't been felt in a long time.
I found it ironic to think of returning to a place that had abandoned me. I had never told my adopted family or my therapist the reason I had been left at the children's home.
It was a secret that I had been hiding since I have been adopted, and in order to ensure that I wouldn't be abandoned in the same way, I had stayed away from all kinds of relationships.
After that day, I avoided exploring my sexuality, dismissing my confession to Yi-Jun as simple youthful infatuation, and denied that I was homosexual.
I hated and blamed myself for what had happened, and eventually fell into a deep depression. My experience left me with post-traumatic stress, and the inability to build meaningful relationships with others.
I'm grateful for how stable and good my life is now, considering that not many people can say they've gone from being rich to rags and then back to being rich again. My time at the children's home would seem short in comparison to others who would have to spend a lifetime in such a place. It was nonetheless traumatic, with incidents that have caused me to have reoccurring nightmares until now.
For the first year I was in the children's home, I was in denial and convinced myself that my family would come for me. I couldn't believe that they would throw me away for something like this.
On the day I had left Korea, I felt both sadness and relief, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And I was leaving a past and life behind, never again to come before the people who abandon me.
When I discovered that my adopted parents were also architects and were successful at that. I felt it ironic, as though the gods were playing a cruel joke on me, testing me to see if I would make the same mistake again.
Honestly, I don't think I've felt truly comfortable since my adoption, I am constantly fearful that one day my adoptive parents may one day discover my past.
This unease has ultimately manifested into a need for me to always overcompensate my willingness to please my adopted parents. After my parents accepted me as their own, I worked hard to repay their kindness, by doing excellent at school, helping with my brother and sisters, and now I work as a CEO in their company. With all of that being said, I know that they would still love me regardless. But I am not certain of that and with such doubts, I keep playing the devoted son, wanting to keep them loving me for as long as possible.
.
.
It was already 8pm when Lisa and I arrived at our Kensington family home, which was in a beautiful area surrounded by the riches of the rich. Our home, a semi-detached twelve-bedroom Victorian mansion, was more than enough room for our family of eight. Inside was decorated to match that of a French renaissance, well, that was all the areas that would be seen by quest, our own individual rooms were a different story.
As soon as we entered, we were greeted by Ryan, who ran towards us and said, "You're finally home." He then sat down in Lisa's lap and tried to use her mobility wheelchair.
"You two be careful, don't get in trouble with mom again!" I shouted at their disappearing figures. Over the past three months I had been left in charge of my four siblings and even with help it was still chaotic.
I straight away headed to the workers area to find Eunice and Emilia getting ready for their night shift, which was caring for Lisa. "Good evening, ladies, how are you both doing?" I asked upon entering the area.
The two ladies, one of middle age and the other a much younger female, both answered me at the same time. "Good evening, Mr Yong-Smith" they politely answered, with Emilia's face turning bright red.
I often wonder if the young lady had some sort of hormonal imbalance that caused her to look as though she were always coming down with a fever each time, I saw her. I pursed my lips together and nodded my head in acknowledgment, turning to leave, before he was stopped. "Excuse me, sir, the…. The babysitters said to inform you that Miss Malika will be staying over at friends. They have left the parent's contact details." she handed me a piece of paper holding all the information, before continuing, "And that Ryan and Milly have had their baths and completed their homework." Emilia reported to me nervously.
"Thank you, Miss Emilia. Please let me know if you need anything. My mother asked the housekeeper to stock your refreshments. You ladies,4 have a good night if there is nothing else." I replied, taking the paper from her, and taking my leave whilst reviewing the information, thinking I will need to text my mother the information before she nags me.
I continued with my normal routine by heading towards my twelve-year-old sister Milly's room. Milly was adopted five years ago and has always been suffering with depression. Compared to the rest of us who ended up in the care system, she was the worst treated before the system and when she was in the system. When she had first arrived at age seven, she showed signs of someone who had been severely abused. For a number of years, she only allowed my mother to be close to her, but with therapy, she has greatly improved over the years.
I arrived at a bright pink door, which had a 'do not enter' sign posted for all to see, and knocked waiting for her to grant me access.
"Come in" the small voice come answered.
Upon opening the door, I immediately asked if she was okay, finding her wrapped up in bed, content and watching TV. I sat myself down some meter's way from her, as advised by her doctor, and waited for her to tell me about her day.
With her eyes fixated on her TV program, she lazily answered, "Am fine, I spoke to mom today, and she told me that she will return soon. Are you excited to go back to South Korea?" she asked, finally turning to look at me, with her big blue eyes. I pursed my lips and lightly smiled, feeling my earlier uneasiness returning, "mm mm, yes… yes I am" I unconvincingly replied.
"Liar" Milly spat coldly, returning her gaze to the TV.
I scoffed at her reaction, which is a mirror of our mothers, "you're becoming increasingly like mother each day, do you know that" I smiled.
Shrugging her shoulders, she cheekily snapped back, "Well, I am her child, who else am I supposed to act like? Therefore, you should know better than trying to lie to me. If you're happy about going, just tell mom, she won't be mad".
Though young, Milly had a very mature way of speaking, and like our mother didn't hold back her thoughts.
I chuckled finding her little cheekiness cute, "yes mother, my mistake, but really am fine with going back to Korea... really I am" I tried convincing myself and her.
"Mm mm, well then I am going to miss you, but am glad mum is coming back", she confessed.
Smiling, I admitted the same, "Am happy she is coming back too".
Sensing she no longer wanted to talk, I got ready to leave, "don't say up too late you have school tomorrow" I said as I head towards the door.
But just then, she called out to me, "Cheolsu?".
"Hmm mm" I answered, stopping to look back at her.
"Can I get a hug" she asked.
It was a request that surprised me, given Milly's hatred of being touched by males. Not even my father has ever been given this pleasure.
Shocked, I double-checked with her, "Seriously?" I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
"Are you coming to get the hug or not!?" she shouted, embarrassed.
Without further delay, I rushed towards her, "Yes…. Yes, of course" I beamed with joy and wrapped my arms around her small frame. Her long golden blond hair felt soft against my face. I was so happy I felt as though I would cry, "Chan-Yeol and dad will be so jealous when I tell them" I squeezed her tightly, not knowing when the little bean will let me do this again.
"Baboya*" she said in Korean playfully.
"Yes, big brother is stupid" I laughed, giving her a final squeeze before letting go. As I held her at arm's length and gazed upon her on blushing face, I said softly, "thank you".
"Whatever, now leave" she shyly pulled away and tucked herself back under her covers, revelling her back to me.
At that moment, I felt truly grateful to have been given a second chance at such a wonderful family. As I looked at the tiny figure of the once-afraid little girl, I realized that she was bravely facing her fears and was not letting her past control her. I felt a strange sense of courage wash over me, telling me that it was time that I became brave, too.