"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAH!"
Wait. Hold up. What the fuck is going on? What just happened? I tried opening my eyes, but I soon realized that I was covered in a coppery-smelling liquid. I tried wiping it out with my arm, but something felt wrong. I was too clumsy. It was like trying to write with my non-dominant hand. A gigantic hand wiped the liquid for me. What is going on? I was just whizzing through space. Where is She?…..I don't even know her name.
Then I look at my own body. What. The. Fuck.
I'm a baby.
Am I…. reborn in a different world?
The adult carrying me prepares to speak.
I become alert.
What alien language is he going to speak in? If this is a different world, I can't wait to hear what weird language is going to be spoken.
"It balls is balls a balls healthy balls male balls child balls!"
IT'S JUST A WORSE VERSION OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! WHAT IS GOING ON?
The lady replies: "oh balls thank balls god balls"
JUST SPEAK NORMAL ENGLISH INSTEAD! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AM I STILL DREAMING? GET ME OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE!
Wait. Wait, wait ,wait. Within the past day I have:
- Been crushed by a flying truck
- Looked like a supermodel
- Either hallucinated a girl or have become schizophrenic
- Saw giant star devouring beings that invoke indescribable horror within me
- Been reborn as a baby.
- Listened to the most inefficient form of the English language ever created
What is going on?!
I start laughing manically, but thanks to my stupid baby throat it comes off as a cute giggle. I'm losing my mind. None of this can be real, right?
Then I realize that the adults are staring at me. Shit. I need to act like a baby.
"W-Wah?"
"Awwwww balls" they say. The male goes "Our balls child balls looks balls so balls cute balls"
Then I realize that there are only two people in the room. It clicks. The one holding me is my father. And the woman who I came out from is obviously my mother. Did my dad assist my mom in giving birth to me all by himself?
My dad gives me to my mom, and they both look at me lovingly.
I still don't think this is real, though. I'll wait for as long as it takes until I wake up from this weird dream. Hours, maybe even days. This dream can't last for that long, right?
FOUR MONTHS LATER
Okay. I don't think this is a dream anymore.
I'm actually reborn as a baby.
I have had a lot of time to think during these past year. So apparently the Girl in My Dreams may or may not be real and she might be in this planet. I'll begin searching for her as soon as I can start moving.
From what I've seen, this world seems to be in a similar state to the medieval times back on Earth. There is no technology. But I haven't even gone out yet. From looking at the state of everything in the house, it definitely looks medieval-ish with oil lamps, and house and utensils made of stone and wood.
I also think that my face is different from the other one. My parents keep annoying me because of it. Calling me cute, pinching my cheeks. It pisses me off.
"Where's my baby boy Onna!" I hear my dad's voice. Apparently my name is "Onna Suki". Which just sounds weird. Why can't they just name me something normal, like Bob or Joe.
"Awwwww there he is. There's my little baby boy." My dad yells loudly.
Oh no. My dad is here.
Don't get me wrong, my dad clearly loves me very much. And he loves to spend time with me. But there's only one small issue. He doesn't know how to handle a child.
"Awwww, come here, little one" my dad, who either has never seen a parent hold their child or is just straight up retarded, grabs me by my foot and lifts me upside down and "kisses" me. And by kissing it felt more like he was trying to suck half my face off. If he keeps going like this but tilts my head slightly, he might accidentally suck an eyeball or two off.
I need help. Fast. I'm not planning on speaking in Balls-ese any time soon, so I cry.
"WAAAAAAAAAH"
Thankfully she arrives. My mom bursts through the door and screams "OH MY GOD!"
My dad finally stops sucking me off and says "What?"
Thank god. Someone finally put an end to this madness.
He lifts me with one hand (still upside down) and asks "Did I do something wrong?"
Tell me one thing you did right.
My mom replies, "No, I screamed because you two were so cute together!"
Of course. I forgot to tell you about my mom. She's just as dumb and hopeless as my dad. I shouldn't have expected anything good to happen in this household.
My dad says, "Of course! You love having your face sucked off like a big, juicy cock, don't you, Onna?"
I puke in response.
"Oh no, my baby did a little pukey-wukey. Come here to mama." My mom grabs me and holds me, thankfully, correctly this time around. She holds me like I'm an actual baby and not like a dead chicken, takes me to the hall, and plops me on the table. My dad, unfortunately, follows her around.
I get my puke and all that slobber on my cheek cleaned up. Then my mom says "Lift your legs up, my cute widdle baby. I'm going to change your diapers."
Why. I didn't even poop or pee in it. The diaper is spotless.
"Wait, mama." My father interjects. "Why are you changing his diaper?"
I'm surprised. This man must have used all two of his braincells to come to this conclusion. I feel bad for my underestimating my dad. I'm sorry to think that you have an IQ of 10, father. You have proved to me that your IQ is at least 15.
"I don't know, papa. I always see parents change their baby's diapers. So I just thought I would follow them by buying diapers and changing them. I mean, that's what parents do, right?"
How the hell are you a mom?
"So there's no reason for changing diapers?" my dad asks
"Of course not! I didn't even know what a diaper was until last week!" my mom says and starts laughing.
"And I still don't know how to spell 'diaper'" my dad says and starts laughing.
Both of them laugh. While I'm crying on the inside. Someone, get me out of here.