The weeks after Sophie's tearful confession were a delicate dance between progress and retreat. Some days, she felt closer to Eli than ever, finding comfort in their quiet strength and unwavering support. Other days, the walls she had built around herself felt insurmountable, and she feared she might never fully dismantle them.
Eli, too, was struggling. Their love for Sophie hadn't waned, but the constant uncertainty wore on them. They were trying to be patient, to let Sophie work through her fears at her own pace, but there was only so much waiting they could do before cracks began to show in their own resolve.
It all came to a head one evening, after a dinner with Mae and a few other friends at a bustling downtown restaurant. It had been a good night laughter, easy conversation, a few too many glasses of wine but underneath the surface, both Sophie and Eli were simmering with unspoken tension.
As they walked back to Eli's apartment, the streets glowing under the soft orange hue of the city's streetlights, Sophie could feel the weight of everything pressing down on her again. She had been trying, really trying, but tonight something felt off. She had watched Eli laugh with Mae, their head tipped back in genuine joy, and instead of feeling part of that moment, Sophie had felt like an outsider, like she was watching from a distance.
And it terrified her.
When they got back to the apartment, the silence was heavy. Sophie dropped her coat onto the nearest chair and went to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water, trying to shake off the growing unease. But she could feel Eli's eyes on her, could sense the tension building between them.
"What's going on, Sophie?" Eli finally asked, their voice quiet but filled with a weariness that made Sophie's stomach twist.
Sophie set her glass down on the counter, gripping the edge for support. She didn't want to have this conversation, didn't want to unravel everything they'd been working so hard to hold together. But she couldn't ignore the feeling gnawing at her anymore.
"I don't know," she whispered, her voice trembling. "I feel… disconnected. Like I'm not really here, even when I am."
Eli's brow furrowed, and they took a step closer, their concern deepening. "What do you mean? You've been trying, Sophie. I can see that. But if something's wrong, you need to tell me."
Sophie shook her head, her chest tightening with frustration and guilt. "I know I've been trying, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm still scared, Eli. I'm scared that no matter how hard I try, I'll mess this up. I'll hurt you."
Eli's face softened, but there was an edge of sadness in their eyes. "You're not going to hurt me by trying, Sophie. But you will hurt me if you keep pulling away."
Sophie swallowed hard, her heart pounding in her chest. She wanted to close the distance between them, to tell Eli that she was going to stay, that she was done running. But the words wouldn't come. The fear was still there, lurking in the shadows, whispering that maybe she wasn't capable of this kind of love, the kind that stayed through the hard parts.
"I don't know how to stop," Sophie said, her voice breaking. "I don't know how to be the person you deserve."
Eli's jaw clenched, and for the first time, there was a flash of frustration in their voice. "I don't need you to be perfect, Sophie! I've never asked for that. But I can't keep doing this wondering if you're all in, or if you're just waiting for an excuse to leave."
Sophie flinched at Eli's words, the truth of them hitting her like a punch to the gut. She didn't want to be this person, the one who was always on the verge of running. But she didn't know how to be anyone else.
"I'm scared of losing you," Sophie said, tears welling up in her eyes. "But I'm also scared of staying, because what if I can't do this? What if I hurt you worse by staying and not being enough?"
Eli took a deep breath, their hands balling into fists at their sides as they struggled to keep their emotions in check. "You're already hurting me by not choosing to stay fully, Sophie. I need you to make a decision because I can't keep living in this in-between space. I love you, but I need to know that you're in this with me."
Sophie's tears spilled over, her chest heaving with the weight of her emotions. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to fix this, how to make herself the person Eli needed.
"I don't know if I can," Sophie whispered, the words breaking her heart even as they left her lips. "I don't know if I'm strong enough for this."
Eli's face crumpled, and they turned away, running a hand through their hair in frustration. "Sophie… I can't keep waiting for you to decide if you want to be with me or not. I need more than that. You need to figure out what you want."
The room was thick with tension, and for a moment, neither of them spoke. Sophie could feel her heart breaking, but she also knew Eli was right. She couldn't keep dragging them both through this uncertainty. She had to make a choice.
"I need time," Sophie finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I need to figure out if I can do this."
Eli's shoulders slumped, and when they turned back to face her, their eyes were filled with a deep sadness that broke Sophie's heart. "I can't keep waiting forever, Sophie."
Sophie nodded, tears streaming down her face. She hated that she was doing this, that she was pushing Eli away when she wanted so desperately to pull them closer. But the fear was too strong, the doubt too deep.
"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry."
Eli shook their head, their expression unreadable. "I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to be sure."
Sophie's breath hitched, and she felt the weight of those words settle over her like a heavy blanket. She had been trying so hard to hold everything together, but now, standing here with Eli looking at her with such sadness, Sophie realized that maybe she had already lost something she couldn't get back.
"I'll give you space," Eli said softly, their voice breaking. "But I can't wait forever."
Sophie nodded, her throat too tight to speak. She watched as Eli walked past her, their footsteps heavy as they moved toward the door.
Just before they left, Eli turned back to look at her, their eyes filled with a quiet resignation. "I love you, Sophie. But I can't be the only one fighting for this."
Sophie's heart shattered as the door closed behind them, leaving her alone in the silence. She sank to the floor, her body wracked with sobs. She had wanted to stay, had wanted to be the person Eli needed, but the fear had been too much.
Now, as she sat alone in the empty apartment, Sophie realized that she had let her fear destroy the one thing that mattered most to her. And she didn't know if she would ever be able to fix it.
The following days passed in a blur for Sophie. She went through the motions of work, routine, and social obligations, but everything felt hollow. The space Eli had given her felt vast and empty, the silence between them deafening. Every time Sophie picked up her phone, she had to fight the urge to call or text Eli, to apologize, to beg them to come back. But she knew that wouldn't be fair not to Eli, and not to herself.
Mae had been checking in on her, but Sophie hadn't been able to bring herself to talk about what had happened. How could she explain the depth of her fear, her paralyzing doubt, when she barely understood it herself?
Sophie sat in her living room one evening, curled up on the couch, staring at the photos of her and Eli on the wall. There were snapshots of them laughing at a beach, arms around each other at a dinner party, and one where Eli was looking at her, mid-laugh, with that look of quiet adoration that had always made Sophie's heart skip a beat. Seeing it now, that same heart twisted in pain.
She reached for her phone, hesitating before opening her messages. There were no new ones from Eli, just the last conversation they'd had before their argument, filled with casual banter that seemed like a lifetime ago. The absence of communication from Eli wasn't out of spite, Sophie knew they were respecting her need for space. But it still hurt to feel that distance growing.
---
The next evening, Mae insisted on coming over. Sophie had resisted at first, not wanting to face her emotions, but Mae was persistent. When she arrived, she came armed with wine and takeout, her no-nonsense attitude pushing Sophie to open up.
"Okay, spill it," Mae said as they sat on the couch, the remains of Chinese takeout spread out on the coffee table. "What happened with you and Eli?"
Sophie sighed, staring down at her glass of wine. "I don't know. We had an argument… no, it wasn't even really an argument. More like… I couldn't give Eli the certainty they needed."
Mae raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"
Sophie set her glass down and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I've been so scared this whole time. Scared that I'm going to mess things up like I did with Anna. Scared that I'm not capable of staying in a relationship without sabotaging it. And Eli could feel that, I know they could. They asked me to be sure to really commit and I… I couldn't. I wasn't ready."
Mae frowned, crossing her arms. "Do you want to be with Eli?"
Sophie nodded, tears threatening to spill over again. "I do. I love them. But it feels like I'm stuck in this loop of fear, like I'm always waiting for something to go wrong. And I don't know how to stop feeling that way."
Mae leaned back, studying Sophie with a thoughtful expression. "It sounds like you're letting your past control your present. Anna isn't Eli. You're not the same person you were back then, but you're letting that version of you make the decisions now."
Sophie's chest tightened. She knew Mae was right, but it didn't make the fear any less real. "I don't know how to stop it."
Mae sighed, her expression softening. "You have to decide what matters more, Soph. You can either let the fear win, or you can push through it and choose Eli. But if you keep waiting until you're not scared anymore, you'll lose them. And maybe that's what you're really afraid of that if you try and fail, you'll have to face the fact that it wasn't the fear that held you back, but something else."
Sophie blinked, the weight of Mae's words sinking in. Maybe she had been using her fear as a shield, a way to avoid taking the risk of truly committing. If she didn't try, she couldn't fail. But in not trying, she was losing Eli anyway. And the thought of that of losing Eli for good made her heart clench in a way that nothing else had.
"I don't want to lose them," Sophie whispered, her voice breaking. "But I'm scared it's already too late."
Mae reached out, squeezing her hand. "It's not too late. But you have to make a choice. You can't keep holding onto Eli with one hand and your fear with the other. You have to let one of them go."
Sophie stared at the floor, her mind racing. She had been trying to keep both, to stay safe while also staying with Eli. But she couldn't do that anymore. Mae was right. She had to make a decision one that terrified her more than anything.
---
A few days later, Sophie found herself standing outside Eli's apartment building, her heart pounding in her chest. She had rehearsed what she wanted to say a dozen times in her head, but now, standing here, everything seemed to evaporate. She was scared more scared than she had been in a long time but there was a new kind of determination simmering beneath that fear.