All stories have a beginning. My story begins in high school or, as people would say, in adolescence, the complete discovery stage, in those moments where you don't know if you are a human being or a hormonal monster. From the circumstances, I think you will empathize with me. My story will make you sad. If not embarrassed, it will sadden you.
Well, enough of being submerged in my brain thinking useless things while I write them in a Word document as if it were my diary., am I 15 years old? I'm supposed to be mature... I'm already in college, I'm 21. Okay, I'll stop now.
- Andrea... What are you doing so much? Did you have a project due today?
-No, you're obsessed with it, Ashley. We have already been told there is nothing to submit or send today.
-Shut up Andrea, I don't need a lecture from someone with a girl's name.
-First, my name has nothing to do with it, and secondly... Shut up that mouth that keeps insulting the first person it meets. Are you a "trailera"?
-Fine, she says clearly with a bit of feigned annoyance. She is funny.
-Let's go, Miss Ley, Mr. William is waiting for us at the bus stop.
-Well, she says clearly with a bit of feigned annoyance; she is funny.
-Let's go, Miss Ley, Mr. William is waiting for us at the bus stop.
-Okay, are you going to buy something at the store?
-No, I have nothing pending to do. Let's just go.
We walk about 2 minutes from the school to the bus stop where William, my best friend since high school, is.
-Hey, how come you always come dressed like a fucking movie star? Where does the money for those clothes come from? - I ask with an obvious intention to make him angry.
- What do you care? Are you only good at pissing people off? Is that your only gift and purpose in life?
- HAHA! I have many gifts. One of them is to make you second guess the nonsense you come up with.
- Thanks for forgetting about my presence, stupid people. - Ley says kind of upset.
She folds her arms and stares at William and me like we're weirdos who don't know about life. Her posture makes her look more mature than us even though socially we are already adults and, well, the 3 of us should be mature enough.
- What do you see in me, you ugly girl?
- Nothing, I see something that the people in front of me don't notice- she says, a little exasperated by what we don't notice, and she does.
- Well, smart lady, tell us what you notice, and we do not.
She lets out a long sigh, fixes the fashionable t-shirt she is wearing, and takes out the money for her bus with obvious intentions of ending the conversation and going home, for our surprise, her bus arrives once she takes out the money.
- Goodbye, precious stupid friends- she finally says, getting on the bus.
- Bye Ashley. -said Will and me.
- What's wrong with her? -Will asks
- I do not know, woman stuff? -I added without knowing the real reason
- Mm, sometimes I do not know why she's like that.
- William, dude, you never know why she's like this, although being honest, I'm just as lost as you are.
Once alone we walk down an alley going to our stop, the walk is long, but it's much less long than taking our bus here, it would be an extra 1-hour walk and I don't want to waste another minute of my existence in the sun.
- Andy, I saw a super pretty girl today. She's perfect. I'd like to ask for her number.
- Will, dude, you're too shy, go ask her for her number! Do it tomorrow. Will you always be like that?
- No, but I'm too embarrassed.
- Who doesn't know you would never believe that the most handsome, cool, and hottest guy in the fashion school is such a shy person? How do you hide your true personality so well?
- I hide nothing. I'm just social with those I don't know well, but to get to know them better, I get shy.
- How superficial.
If only he knew that if he would put that shyness aside, all the girls he wants would be under his feet or on his bed. However, it turns out that he is a cowardly person to have deep friendships and keep them. Amazingly, I'm his friend.
- Here we are.
- Okay, let's take the bus. I'm sick of this thing called a career in architecture. -I say complaining.
- Ha, ha, ha, that's what you chose. You're stuck with the causes of your choices.
I watch him out of the corner of my eye as I put my arms behind my neck, giving myself a self-massage on my cervical spine. <
On the way back to our houses, no one says anything, sometimes there is no need to say anything. I put on my headphones and play my favorite song <
- Will, here we are. It's your stop, get off, or do you want to go with me?
- Huh? Ah, okay, I'm off. Take care, see you tomorrow, Andy. - He says sleepily as he gets up and gets off the bus.
- Yeah, yeah, ciao.
My stop turns out to be a few houses down from William's. I get off and walk straight to my precious resting place.
- I'm home, Mom? Are you home?
I look around the house and don't find the lady who gave me life, instead; I find a note that says she's coming back tomorrow. Well, it's my turn to do the housework. However, I don't plan to do them right now, now I just want to rest from the long day I've had.
I head to my bedroom, throw my backpack on the nearest chair, and plop down on the bed. Soon, I fall asleep.
-------
It's been over 1 hour and I'm waking up. Now it's time to do the housework. I put on my special playlist for these occasions, my mind goes into "cleaner mode", and I do the dishes. I'm great at this.
After a while, a song plays that shouldn't be in that playlist, because for me, it's a taboo song. I try to change it, but my hands are full of soap, so as soon as I dry my hands the chorus of the song starts, and as soon as it does my tears come out uncontrollably. I can't stop. My feelings are unstoppable every time I hear that melody. Unable to stand it, I sit in the corner of my kitchen and as I try to control myself, the song progresses.
- Stop, this song is not supposed to be on any of my playlists. I was supposed to be over it. Not anymore. I don't want this. How disgusting I feel. I'm such an abhorrent person.
Memories flash through my mind, memories I would rather forget forever. As my back is leaning against the kitchen wall, my thoughts churn and my eyes stray to the old canary yellow tile.
- I feel sorry for myself
-I should die, shouldn't I?
3 minutes later, the song ends and another 2 minutes later I regain my composure, get up from the dirty kitchen floor and start washing the dishes again. I don't think about it anymore, now I just want to finish washing up.
- I'm done! -I express out loud as if someone could hear me. -Now it's time to tidy up the rest of the house.
About 2 extra hours go by and finally finish tidying up the entire house, which makes me feel proud. I walk to my bedroom, open my expensive book and do my homework while writing definitions about things that most people might forget later and never be asked about in the work field. While doing that, I remember the drama I did while washing dishes and feel ashamed of myself. Sadly, my guilt is too heavy, and getting my feelings out makes me feel better. Besides, no one has ever seen me like that, so it doesn't matter.
Once I finish my homework, I open my laptop. I read to entertain myself and answer some messages on WhatsApp web when suddenly I get a message from William.
** Hey, I don't think I understand something about my homework, help me, Mr. Smart.
** William, it's not possible. We don't go to the same faculty; I do not know about the things you do in there.
** But I know you can help me. Do you not care about me?
A smile appears on me when I see the screen. Wow, he is a good friend. I love him a lot and I don't know what I would do without him. So many years of friendship with him prevent me from having a clear idea of life without his friendship. Would my life be more miserable without him? I certainly think so.
- Will, you're so cute. How could I not like you? Ha, ha, ha. I understand your college fans. How could I not want to kiss you and be with you? Yeah... They must all be envious. -I say out loud to myself as if being in love with my friend is something to be proud of.
I reply to Will's last message with a simple "Do your homework, they'll let you do it for a reason" and start watching live videos about anything. Bedtime comes, it's after 11:00 pm, I have to go to bed or else I won't want to be me tomorrow. I turn off the laptop, unfold my bed, change into my sleeping clothes (they're just boxers), and lay down on the blanket bundle.
I close my eyes to fall asleep, however, images of my beloved friend come to my mind, images of his masculine, feminine, and beautiful face, in my mind I can see his typical cool rich boy style, his muscular arms that work out, his beautiful eyes looking at me as the most special person I have ever seen. Now these are typical people-in-love delusions of mine.
I shouldn't be imagining this, but I want to keep imagining every part of him.
I want to, at least in my fantasies, see him however I want. His face appears on the scene (I've seen it so many times that I know its structure by heart), and his full, red lips that are inviting. I imagine stealing a kiss from him, and my heart races.
Suddenly, I open my eyes realizing that I have an erection, I would like to masturbate thinking about my friend, I feel like doing it, but I know that, if I do, my conscience won't be soothed just by crying to a ridiculous song, I know I will have this guilt for months. So, I just let it go down on its own. I won't go to that extreme again, I won't make the same mistake 2 times. I will never touch myself thinking about him.
After x number of minutes, I fall asleep.
Dreams of the past
- Andre! Where are you?
- William, I'm still here. I'm not disappearing anywhere. What do you want?
- Mhmp, I want nothing, just that you went somewhere else while I was going to the bathroom. I thought you had abandoned me!
- It's not like you were my pet. Besides, I just went to buy lukewarm tea at 7-Eleven.
- You don't even remember me. You didn't buy me anything. Bad Andre.
- Of course, I didn't buy you anything. I thought we were sharing the same tea.
- Oh, well, I forgive you. I love you again. HA.
- Ha, ha, ha. Do I look worried about that? Crazy William.
- Oh, well... Honestly, Andrea, you are the most special person in my life. And I really love you very much, my friend. I'll never find someone like you.
- ...
- Don't be quiet! I know it sounds weird, but you're a great friend and it's always good to express how you feel.
- Ha... I'm joking. You are special to me too, William.
That day I confirmed to myself that I loved my friend of years, much more than a friend.
Morning has come and the sun's rays coming through the ill-fitting curtain in my window wake me up. It is a new day, and I should be rested. However, the memories and situations of yesterday make me tired, discouraged, and with dark circles under my eyes.
I look at the hour. It's after 7:20 am. I definitely missed the first class, but it doesn't matter, I'll make it to the second hour. So, I'll take things easy.
I sit on the edge of my bed to check my cell phone. Meanwhile, outside the door on the second floor, I can hear the sounds of footsteps. I know it's my mother. I put on my sandals, and loose-fitting clothes, and go out to greet my mom.
- Mom, you've arrived, how did it go? -I ask anxiously.
- Fine my dear son, everything was fine. It was tiring Tho.
- Rest up, Mom. I'll get something to eat and go to school. I'll be back later. Love you.
- I love you too, son. Take care of yourself.
I eat the first thing I find in the fridge and check my cell phone while I do it. Once I'm done, I go up to my room, get ready for college, grab my stuff, and leave.
I walk for a few minutes to get to the bus stop.
- Andy! What a coincidence that we met today. Don't your classes start early?
- Don't mention it, I'm late.
- And to think the great Andrea would wake up late.
- Why are you insinuating that I overslept? -I ask without looking at him.
- I just know, I've known you since elementary school. I know these things.
- Oh, shut up...
I can't look him in the face. I'm sorry for thinking about him in a lewd way, so I just watch my cell phone, so I don't see him.
- Hey! Don't ignore me. How rude.
- I'm not, it's just that I have to check something about a project.
We get on the bus once it arrives. We both sit next to each other, but right now, his presence makes me feel uncomfortable with myself.
- Here we are, Mr. "I have nothing". I ignore you just because.
- Ha, ha. Stop it, Willi, you know you're throwing a tantrum.
- I'm not, you're the one being weird.
- No, I just have things to do.
The day goes by slowly. My hands can't stop writing the things the professors at my college say. My mind wanders to the most disgusting things I've ever done. I feel like shit. I feel bad and I wish I could just disappear. The rest of the day goes by like this.
Classes are over, I pack up my stuff to go home, there's nothing else to do here. I don't feel like seeing Will, so I leave without telling him anything. When I get home, I just go to my room.
I feel like writing my feelings because they're too much to handle by myself. I have to get them out.
Letter to my impossible love.
Although I know this letter will never reach you in your life, I would like to write even knowing that. You are the most special person in my world. I appreciate your friendship very much. Will, I don't know what I would do without you. We have been friends for years; we have been through so much together.
You know, I'm not good at writing, but I want you to know (even though you won't know) that I've been in love with you for years, your big, shy personality, your super rich boy style, the support you've given me all these years. I am in love with you. There is no reason I shouldn't love you. Everything about you is unique, brilliant, and admirable. You make my heart beat a mile a minute every time you come near me; you make me blush and a thousand things more.
You know Will? I'd like to kiss those full red lips that I've only seen on you. I want to touch your body so badly, roam the world of your face, kiss your cheeks, and stare into your blue eyes that differ from all the blues I've ever seen. Maybe it's my love for you that makes you look unmatched and handsome.
I want to confess something, Will, something that maybe will make my friendship with you end. Am I willing to end this year-long friendly relationship because of it? Yes, because I know this letter will never reach you, because I have to get out what I feel and did. I love you, but my love for you is strange. Well, not really. Maybe people would see it as normal, or so I want to believe. Ok, I'm getting off topic, sorry, I'm afraid to see my thoughts and actions written on paper, it makes them more real.
Here I go. Do you remember the time in high school when I went to your house for the thousandth time, the time your parents went on a trip, and we stayed with your grandmother at home? At that time, I already had a sense of my feelings for you. We went into your pool, and we swam for hours. When it was time to sleep, I hope you remember that we both slept in your bed, as usual. However, that day there was something different about you. You were sleeping just in your trunks. I was about to go to sleep, but suddenly I felt your leg on mine. My heart raced, and ... I got a hard-on. Not unusual considering my feelings for you, but you know, I couldn't hold back. I pulled down my pants and started touching myself while enjoying the feeling of your skin touching mine. I closed my eyes. I remember feeling your body next to me and your muscular leg. That day I finished thinking about you, screaming your name in my mind, imagining the dirtiest things my mind could imagine at that moment. When I finished, I got up and I don't know if you woke up because of the movement of my body going to the bathroom or if you were awake from before. You asked me where I was going, to which I replied that, to the bathroom, that I had drunk a lot of water, you mentioned nothing, so I assumed you hadn't figured me out. To this day, I believe that. However, Will, when you woke up, you don't know how scared and guilty I felt. My legs shake just remembering it.
I'm sorry, I'm not reproaching you for anything, although it may sound that way. I want you to know (although you won't know) that I'm sorry for that situation. The guilt my heart feels for using you like that is indescribable. I'm sorry, I love you.
With love... your best friend.
I finish writing my letter to William. Even knowing that he will never read it I feel better because I know it was a mistake to do that, because I have somehow apologized.
I put the letter in my desk drawer, put on my pajamas, and go to sleep, without realizing I spent most of the day writing those few words.
I search for my mother. She is supposed to be here at this hour.
- Mom, are you there?
- Yes son, everything ok?
- Nothing, I just wanted to know if you had arrived. You didn't let me know you were here.
- Ja, son, yes, I told you, I even went to your room, only you were inside writing something, and I didn't even notice you.
- You didn't? I didn't notice. -I say as I grab a glass of water.
- It's been a while since I've seen you this lost. Is everything okay? -He asks as he takes my face in his hands to inspect whatever he can see on my face.
- Yes, just a little tired. The school is complicated at this time of the year.
- If anything happens, you know you can tell me.
- Yes, thank you, Mom.
When the face inspection is over, I go back to my room and arrange my things. I notice that I'm out of energy, completely drained. I don't want to do anything. The guilt that I had forgotten or at least hide under my bed in a locked chest is back. I don't look at my cell phone. I don't want to hear from anyone, not from Will, not from Ley, not from anyone.
- I think I'm becoming a hermit.
I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, trying to fall asleep. I toss and turn to find a comfortable position. Nothing works, I'm a mess. The memories of that day in high school don't stop tormenting me.
Without realizing it, I fall asleep.
The alarm sounds horrible, and I let out a groan because I clearly don't want to wake up.
- Another damn day in this life.
I turn off the noisy alarm, walk to the bathroom and clean the impurities from my body. I hear my mother's footsteps in the distance. Today is her day off so she will be at home resting.
- Son, when you get off, you come for lunch.
- YES! -I shout from the bathroom.
Quickly, I finish bathing, change my clothes and have breakfast. I can't let this fucking me up. I'm strong, as long as Will remembers nothing, as long as I keep my secret love as the secret it is, I'll be fine.
- I'm off to college. I'll see you later.
I take the bus to my school, and on the way there I remember to check my cell phone. I open the main screen. The surprise I get is that my WhatsApp is full of messages from William, over 70 of them. Unbelievable. Why would he bother sending so many messages? That's weird.
I open the messages with Will and reply with a simple "What's up bro? I'm cool, see you at school".
I block my cell phone. I don't plan on looking at social media more than necessary. I'm not mentally stable for that, so I just look out the window the whole way.
Just as I get off the bus, the first thing I see is Will's face, honestly, the person I least wanted to see today. I don't have the strength to keep up appearances or the serenity that a normal friend has when there is so much closeness.
- Why didn't you answer me yesterday? Are you mad? What the hell is wrong with you, man? -He says in a high-pitched tone, he's mad that I left school without him.
- Ha, ha, ha, I'm fine dude, I was feeling a little down. But I'm better now. I answer with a half-truth. It's better than lying completely.
- Tell me why!
- There are things I don't want to share, Will. -I say a little seriously.
- That hurts Andy, we haven't known each other for 1 day, we've been friends for years. Why would you hide something from me? I can't believe it. -He reproaches me with a face that shows that what I said certainly hurt him.
- I'm sorry Will, I don't want to talk about it now. It was even difficult to get up today.
- I'm fine. But it doesn't stop there. -He finally says, keeping silent the rest of the way.
We walk down the alley towards our school. The school looks like it always does. My life does as well. Today, the only difference is that Will looks extremely upset. I know it's my fault he feels that way. However, I can't really tell him anything about what I went through yesterday or how I felt.
The walk takes about 10 minutes from the alley to my living room. During the ride, I notice how he comes dressed. Today, he is wearing sunglasses. His black and red biker-type clothes make him look super cool. He knows how to dress; he knows he's good-looking, his light brown hair is great, and everything about him is great. I can't help but glance sideways at him from time to time. I want to enjoy how he's dressed today and his gorgeous company.
- Here we are. You didn't have to drop me off all the way here. -I say in a mocking tone.
- Yes, I have, today you don't process the Andy I know How about if something happens to you because you're depressed? I have to take care of you. -He answers me more calmly.
- You're crazy. -I say as I put my hands in my pants pockets and keep my eyes on the ground.
These little things make me feel loved, even though it's not in the way I want. For me, this is more than enough. Unconsciously, Will makes me fall in love with him more and more every day. I am a lost cause.
- Done, I have delivered Andrea to his destiny. See you later. Don't you dare leave without me again? -He says as he waits for me to walk into my living room.
- Okay, I promise I won't leave without you. -I finally say before turning around to enter my classroom.
The day is going by fast, teachers are teaching their classes, and I pay attention. Things you do as a student.
- Andrea, we are not in high school. I ask you to please pay attention. -Says the professor, who clearly wasn't paying attention. JA, I thought you were.
- An apology.
The school day continues. In a free period, I run into Ashley. She is the same as always. However, I can tell something has changed. I don't know what it is, but she looks different.
- Ley, are you okay?
- Yeah, a little trouble. I don't know what to do. Can I tell you about it?
- Sure, tell me about it.
- I have a serious problem, you know. It wasn't my fault!
- I'm not understanding. -I say, already a bit worried.
- I'm pregnant and have 7 weeks. I don't know how this could happen. I used protection and even used the subdermal implant. I don't know what to do, Andy. How did this happen?
- Do you know the father?
- Yes, it's my ex. We broke up 2 weeks ago. There's been no one else but him, ever. I can't have the child. You know how complicated being a single mom is.
- Yes, I know, my mother went through that.
She says nothing else. Her tears come out of her eyes like a flood. Her sadness and worry are clear, but I don't know how to help her. My problems seem nothing compared to hers.
- What do you want to do?
- I know it sounds bad, that I'm going to sound like the worst scum, but I want to abort it. My life isn't good enough to have a child. I can't, and I don't want to. I'm not fit.
- Well, I'll help you with whatever you decide. -I ask no more questions, even if she is my friend, you have to know how to have limits on what to ask or give your opinion. Today I won't ask any more questions.
Finally, she calms down a little after a brief silence. Sitting on the bench, she looks at me and hugs me. I can feel she appreciates my few words.
- Thanks Andy, you are a great friend. By the way, speaking of sexual things, I guess you have a lot of girls, don't you? -He asks, trying to change the subject abruptly.
- Ha, ha, ha, actually it's quite the opposite.
- Oh, you're a virgin. I get it, ha, ha, ha. -He chuckles under his breath, and I blush noticeably. Well, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, I know, but it still embarrasses me a little.
- Stop it, Ley, it's not funny. -I tell him with a red face.
- Well, your embarrassed face is funny. Just kidding, why haven't you done it?
- There really hasn't been a chance.
- I don't believe you.
- Believe it, that's the real reason. -I'm telling half-truths again. Indeed, there hasn't been the opportunity, however, that's because I haven't allowed it. I would feel bad having a one-night stand. I don't feel it's for me.
- Well, well.
- Ley, I have to get on with my classes. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Sure, I have to go too, thanks for the chat. Can we continue talking about it tomorrow?
- Yes, come again.
Each one goes to their respective activities. Ley looks better, however, I must be a better friend to her. I guess she needs it.
-------------------
- It's finally over. I feel out of energy again. I don't want to live anymore, damn; I hate coming to college. Damn, I hate doing projects with people who don't work.
I head towards the palapa, where Will must be waiting for me. I guess he's gotten desperate by now. He's really not very patient.
- Will, I'm sorry, my teacher finished a few minutes later.
- Don't worry about it. -He says a bit annoyed.
- You're all wet. What happened to you?
- Well, I was playing basketball today, but since I didn't bring the right clothes, my shirt ended up all see-through from sweat.
- Ah I see, you're crazy my friend.
- Today I'm the crazy one apparently, although someone seems crazier than me. -he answers sarcastically.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, well actually it's true that you are the crazy one. Your sarcasm is useless. Oh, my dear friend William- I answer in an amused and mischievous way while leaning on his shoulder.
It's interesting how I can't help but look sideways at his torso, which, although not naked, I can see. His collarbone, his abdomen, his skin. I notice a heat on my face. I know I'm blushing, but I can't help it. He's really attractive.
- You suck as a friend Andy. Who made you like this?
- You, you made me like this, stupid.
- No, you were born that way.
I let out a big laugh. Being with him is so fun, even though I know deep down he resents my words a little. He never takes them so personally, which allows us to make jokes like this. Besides, if I didn't make jokes like this, I wouldn't be able to keep my composure in front of him. It's like the mask that helps me remain a friend.
- Let's go now, the bus won't wait for us. -I say as I lower my arm.
- Okay, let's go.