Never did I thought that my life would turn out like this. More broken than I already am. I've never dealt with so much pain in my life. It's as if somebody ripped my heart out of my chest, poured some alcohol over the wound, shattered my heart in thousand pieces and burned the leftovers.
When I came home crying and slammed my bedroom door shut, my dad heard that of course. So he came in and saw me heart broken on my bed, clenching a pillow against my chest. He knew right away that she broke my heart.
He didn't leave my side that night. He just stayed with me until I felt assleep and when I finally did I was tormented with dreams about her. I've never fallen in love before, not ever did I feel as great when I was with her.
But she broke my heart, she betrayed me. She lied to me. I don't know what to believe anymore. If anything was real, if she just manipulated me. If she only used me for my body.
Was it even true, did she even mean it when she said that she loved me. Did she even love me? Did she even had feelings for me?
I had to block her when she kept texting me, I just couldn't. My head and heart are fighting with each other. My heart is telling me to listen to her, it tells me that I need her but my head tells me to think about myself. To fight for myself for one time in my life.
But I was truly happy when I was with her. I told myself that I could be happy with her. Was that just an illusion. Wasn't it all an illusion, did I cover up the bad parts of our relationship? Was our relationship even healthy?
It doesn't matter anymore. It's over. It's done and now I just have to get through this heart break. Jake is there for me, but I also knows he's there for her, he's her best friend. So I sought comfort by his girlfriend, who I'm now close with.
It all fucking happened when I first got to school again and I wend to practice. I just couldn't. After convincing myself that I could I did it. But everything came flushing back when I stood on the field. I remembered everything about Charlie and I.
The late night practices with just the two of us, how we ran through the sprinklers, how we kissed under the stars, made out in the locker rooms, how we got steamy under the shower. How we trained together.
So I couldn't take it anymore. I threw the ball so hard that I ripped the back of the practice net and when I released the ball I screamed. Making everyone look at me, but I didn't care. It felt like I was having a heart attack.
I was on my hands and knees, tears dripping down on the sand. I broke down. Nobody knew what to do. Jake wanted to help me, but then there was Amelia. She told coach to call everyone towards him so she and I could be alone.
She sat down next to me. "It's going to be okay." Those words were enough. I fell in her arms and she let me cry. She told me that she know that it hurts, that it's okay to cry to let all my emotions out. That I was strong.
When I calmed down we just sat there for a while and we talked. I didn't wanted anyone to see me so I sat with my back towards the boys.
Amelia told me that before she met Jake, she had with a toxic boy who used her and although she knew he was bad, she still was in love with him. He cheated on her and made her believe her that it was all her fault. It was until she met Jake that she knew everything he told her was a lie and that she understood what love was.
Love comes and goes and it can be your greatest friend or your worst enemy. But you should never give up. Even if everything felt so good and the heart break is hard, there is someone who will be there for you. That soothed me.
Still I feel like fucking shit, the only one I want is Charlie and I know she wants me too. She stills loves me and even though I don't want to admit it. I will always love her. But I just can't.
"Sooo, what are we watching?" Amelia give me a cub of tea and sits down on her bed.
"Call, Jake, I know you want to see him."
Amelia shakes her head. "No, it's a girl night."
I tilt my head to the side and give her a look. "Call him."
"Ugh fine." She picks up her phone and dials his number. "Hi, boo, you can come over." I hear how he celebrates through the phone and laugh.
Amelia puts him on the speaker so we can hear him harder. "Whoohooo, so you guys are finally up for a threesome." Oh my god.
"Jake." We hear how he starts laughing. "I'm kidding. I will be there in 5."
"Okay, see you soon, handsome." She hangs up and shakes her head. "Sometimes..."
I laugh. "He's something else."
"He's a moron." We laugh. Although It's confronting when I see them together, Jake and Amelia keep the kissing and cuddling to its minimum when I'm around.
"Should we tie him up and force him to wear make-up." Amelia wiggles with her eyebrows.
I burst out laughing. "Noo, he will start crying."
Jake hated make up. He says that he finds Amelia beautifuler with out, not gonna lie. She doesn't need it. She's really beautiful. Not as beautiful as Charlie. I sigh, why does she always filtrate my mind?
"Do you girls want a snack?" Amelia's mom yells.
Amelia looks questionably at me. I shrug. "Sure, I will come down and get some." She yells back.
"Alright, honey." Amelia grins.
"Ok, don't go anywhere, I will be right back." She grabs her phone and heads for the door. "Yell if something is wrong." I nod.
I don't want to tell her, but it's probably a bad idea to leave ma aline with my thoughts. I'm going to be fine. I have to.
I stare up at the ceiling, letting out a sigh that was in the way. I'm going to be okay, I have to be. For me.
Forget her, I will find someone else, someone better. Nobody is going to be as good as her, nobody will love you as much. Stop it. I push my hands against my face. Out of everyone she hurted me the most. You let her in. Shut up!
She cared about you.
She listened to you.
She met your mom.
She had respect for you and your family.
She protected you. She failed in that, she hurted me, she broke my heart.
She loves you. Does she still love me? Does she still think about me, it's been a week. Did she fuck someone else.
You were the only one on her mind. I laugh. I doubt that. She manipulated me, she made me belief that she loved me but is was all an act to score some fucking points. To win, to show Keith that she could have me too.
But I hate Keith too, if he didn't storm in, if he wasn't an asshole Charlie and I would still be together. Argh. I let out a shaky breath.
My thought are interrupted when I hear a knock on the window. I look up and see Jake's face. I grin and walk up to the window to let him in.
"He dumbass."
He grins. "Shut up, you know I'm not allowed up stairs on Mondays."
"Aww." He pushes me, I grin. Seeing him, laughing is hard, because I see Charlie in him. Fuck. Seeing Keith is even harder.
"But important question, where is my girl?" I roll my eyes and jump on the bed.
"She's downstairs getting some snacks." I hear her say.
Jake looks at the door with the biggest smile ever. "But the biggest snack is standing right here." I gag, making Amelia laugh.
"Hi boo." She says, she kisses him and throws a chips bag on top of me. "You do need to be a little quiet I could almost hear you downstairs."
"Oops, I'm sorry." He looks at us. "But do you guys think, what I think?" Oh god.
"Girls night, I brought some masks." He holds up different bags. He is crazy.
Amelia squeals. "Oh my god, finally. Yess."
They both look at me. "Fine." And I thought that Jake would be the one who would hate this.
----
The rock sails over the water. Bouncing a few times before sinking. I'm at the lake where Charlie took me a few times. Secretly I hoped I would bump into her here. But of all the times that I come here I never saw her once.
I sigh and sit down. My eyes find the tree where we wrote our names in the bark of the tree. A tear rolls down my cheek. This is hard, this is really, really hard.
"Why?" I say. "Why did you have to break me? Why did you have to hurt me?"
"Because I'm an asshole." I turn my head. Charlie stands next to me and sits down. "Because I don't deserve you and I got scared when I was falling for you."
"I got scared and ruined everything." Her eyes look into mine. "I messed it up and I'm sorry."
Tears are rolling down my cheeks. "But why."
"I never had someone who cared as much as you do, I never felt so safe and loved before." She looks at the water. "So I got scared and told myself you weren't real. I told myself you would go away just like every other person in my life."
"I fucked everything up, I hurted you, you hate me now and there is nothing I can do to change that."
"I love you so much, Jay, If only you knew. If only you knew what you mean to me, how my heart beats just for you."
"I love you too."
"Do you?" I look at her strangely. "Then fight for me."
"Don't let me go." Her hand goes to my cheek, but when her fingers touch my cheek she disappears in thin air. She wasn't here. I made it all up in my mind.
What's wrong with me?
-----
Why did I go to school today? I feel terrible and the heavy feeling is getting too much. I walk behind Jake and Andrew, who are laughing, but I just can't keep playing this act. I'm not happy, I'm not doing great. I feel like I'm dying.
And then there is Logan and Walker, who are eyeing me all day long. Waiting for a good moment to approach me. Assholes.
My math exam wend terrible and I feel so empty today. I almost feel numb. I don't want that, it scares me.
"He guys" Amelia walks up to us and wraps her arm around me. "Hi babe." I try to smile, but I know I fail. She knows straight away that something is wrong. "Boys, go ahead we will make a stop at the toilets."
Andrew salutes us and walks away with Jake, who gives Amelia a small peck on the lips. "See you guys later."
We storm into an empty classroom, Amelia closes the door, while I sit down on the floor. Letting my face fall on my knees. Tears slide down my cheeks and I can't help it.
"Talk to me, what's wrong." She asks while she sits in front of me. "Why are you upset?"
"Yesterday I saw her." I say.
"Wait really?" Amelia says surprised.
I sigh. "I though that I saw her, we talked for a few minutes, but then when she wanted to touch my cheek, she disappeared."
"You made it up in your mind?" I nod. "Do you still not sleep?"
"No, I keep seeing her face when I close my eyes."
Every night, I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I think somewhere in the night I fall asleep because at some point I just blink and it's day.
"Do you still take the sleeping pills that I got you?" I shake my head.
"They make me drowsy."
"But they helped?" Amelia says.
I shake my head slightly. "Just for a few hours." I lay my head on my knees again. This sucks. I want all this hurt to stop.
It's quiet for some time. Amelia just lets me cry for a few minutes. She rubs my arm and comfort me. I want to die.
"Did I make a mistake?" I look in her eyes for answers.
"Choosing for yourself is never a mistake, you did what was right for you." She says. "And it's okay that this is hard, that's why it's called healing." But is doesn't feel like healing.
"I know what healing is but it isn't that." I say. Letting the back of my head rest against the wall. "It hurts more everyday."
"You just need time."
I shake my head. "I miss her so much, so much that every time I think about it I can't breath. As if someone stabs me with a knife over and over again."
Amelia looks at me. "What do you want? Do you want her back?"
I sigh, why do I keep crying? "I don't want her to hurt me again." Fuck. "I don't trust her anymore, so I can't."
"Then you need to start accept and admit that this is what's good for you. Then you have to admit that Charlie stays in the past." But I don't want to, because then it's real. Then she's really gone.
I can't help it, more tears slide down my cheeks. "I don't wanna lose her."
"Jay..." Amelia grabs my hand. "She's already gone, babe." That realization takes away my breath and I feel an ache in my heart. "Now it's your time to let go."
"I can't." I cry out. Amelia wraps her arms around me and let me cry. "I'm sorry."
"Ssshh, don't tell me you're sorry, it's okay. You need more time to process it." She hugs me even tighter. "I'm not going anywhere, okay." I nod.
I really don't want to let go, I don't want to give up the only good thing in my life. The only thing that made me happy and hurts so much now. It hurts so much knowing she's gone, but not really gone. I want her to come back, I want her to fight for me.
Love sucks.