My face hurts like shit. I groan and push the ice pack against my jaw. Nothing is broken, so that's good. I just ripped open my lip and my Jaw is a bit blue, but the punches Logan landed on my face, where all under my nose, so he didn't really did any damage.
I broke his nose and cheekbone and his eye is very very blue. That's the only positive thing about our fight. I shoved a little paper with a thank you note on it through Jay's locker. But I think she just burned it.
It's getting frustrating, I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to talk to me, she ignores me, she avoids me. I try really hard, I even asked Jake but he said that she told him to stay out of it and Amelia hates me. She put me in my place, told me to stay away from Jay, that I would only make it worse.
Let her move on. She doesn't need you anymore. I had an panic attack after that, she doesn't need me anymore... I barely got myself together when an ex came in. She looked at me through the mirror.
I know she felt bad for me, of all the ones, she was the nicest. It surprised me that we talked for a hour in the toilets. We both sat on the ground after a while, at the end when she stood up to give me some space to think. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her.
She just smiled softly at me. Told me that she didn't held it against me. That she only got together with me because she wanted to make her now girlfriend jealous. I laughed at that. Still I felt bad, I treated her horrible.
See, Jay made me a better person. I have so many regrets, I made so many mistakes and the biggest one hurts me the most. I have to make it up to her, I have to let her know how sorry I am. I just need her to forgive me. If she doesn't want me back, I'm fine with that, well I can sort of life with that, but I need to know that she doesn't hate.
I just don't know where to start. I did try tot talk to Amelia a few times, with Jake as help because I knew she would listen if he was there. But she didn't even look at me. She just nodded and walked away. She wasn't going to tell Jay, I knew that.
Every minute that I'm early I'm standing outside, waiting for Jay. But as soon as I'm near. She flips me of, well Amelia does and it kinda starts to piss me of.
Amelia is pissing me of and I hate to admit that I'm a bit jealous. She's hanging around with the girl I love.
Mom wants me to see Lexa more, but I refuse, I need all my time to focus on Jay. With my finals coming up, my time is limited. But honestly. I don't give a shit.
I barely eat and sleep, ha, what is sleep? My mom is really worried, I know that and I get it. But she has to let me do this. I have to get her back, I just have to. Even if it's te last thing that I do, even if I die trying.
----
"Char." Andrew gives me a slap in the head. Making me groan. This isn't good for my head ache.
"Fuck you." He grins.
"You look like shit." He says, making me roll my eyes.
I sigh. "Well mister perfect, how's your girl doing?" I smirk when I see his face.
"Not this again, you prick." He pushes me. "Is Jake coming?"
I shrug. "I don't know." We are going for a small run, just before school starts.
"Well if he isn't here in 2 min, we start without him." Andrew starts stretching. Moron.
I follow his lead and also stretch. I don't want to rip a muscle and make coach more angry, so, here we go. When we're both jumping up and down I see Jake coming towards us.
"Sup dudes." He says.
Andrew laughs. "You motherfucker."
"You got laid." I smirk.
He holds up his arms. "Well, yeah."
Andrew and I shake our head at the same time, making Jake grin. "So suckers, let's go." He runs past us.
"Should we make this a hell for him?" Andrew looks at me.
"Oh hell yeah."
"I see what you did there." Andrew pushes me and runs away. Dickhead.
Andrew and I run past Jake. He's going to hate us. We increase our speed when we run up hill. We hear Jake whine behind us and grin. What a great plan. We never slow down once and then when we run downhill and make it through the park, we hear someone stumble behind us.
I look back, see that Jake has fallen and laugh. "Oi, asshole, get up."
"Fuck you."
Andrew and I run back to him and Andrew gives him a little kick. "Get up, lazybones."
"I think I tore my ACL." Jake whines, sitting straight.
I scoffs. "Get up, drama queen, you didn't tore it, you're just a little baby."
He looks at me like he's going to kill me. This is going to be good.
"Baby..." There we go. I sprint away with Jake hot on my heels.
"Come here Char, I'm going to throw you in the pond!" He increases his speed, he almost catches up with me. Oh lord.
But after a while he get's tired and lowers his speed. "I will get you next time."
"Come on buddy, let's go." Andrew pulls him along. We run the last miles back in an easy pace. It's a bit to slow, but I don't want to push Jake.
"So." Jake says when he can breath again. "How are you doing."
I groan. "Really." I say, looking at the both of them.
"Charlie come on." Andrew insists.
"Fine." I sigh. "Do you wanna know the truth or the act?"
"Charlie." Jake looks at me worried. He's a good friend.
"I'm dying from the inside, I don't sleep, I barely eat and I feel like crap, so It's not going well is it." I say, I don't look at them.
"I know this is probably the most horrible you have felt is probably all your life, but it will get better." Andrew says.
"You've got us." I roll my eyes and push Jake against Andrew.
"I'm going to fix this." I have to.
----
This week sucks. Next week my finals begin and Jake fucking forced me to learn and now I need to talk to coach, because he wanted to know what is going on. Why I'm so fucking bad. Why I suck.
Coach Lewis is already waiting for me, god I don't hope this conversation is going to be long, practice is right after this and I really don't want anyone to hear this. If someone does, I'm going to lit myself on fire and jump of the school building.
"Charlie." He says when I walk up to him.
"Hi coach." I say, unsure what to expect from this. Is it weird that I'm lowkey scared?
"Sit down." Do I need to?
"Coach..." When I look at him and see his serious look I sit down. Well this sucks.
He sighs. "I want to know what's going on, Charlie, you're failing almost 2 classes and your exams are in a week."
I look down, I really don't want to talk about this. It's to hard. I don't want to tell him. I don't want him to worry.
"Charlie." I feel his hand on my shoulder. "Is everything alright?"
I stand up, taking a few steps so my back is turned towards him, I know he will only stop until I give him the answer he wants.
"You can tell me." He says. "And if you need time, take it."
I can't look at him when I'm going to say this. "I fucked up." I say my voice already breaking. "I really, really fucked up."
"What did you do?"
My tears break through their border, ripping a sob out me. "She broke up with me." I say after convincing myself it's okay. "She broke up with me because Keith told her about the list."
Daniel curses. "I told you to burn that book, to stop with those stupid games, Charlie."
"I know." I cry out. "I fucking know." My hands move through my hair.
He sighs. "It's okay, I know it hurts right now, but it's going to be okay." He says. "I shouldn't have encouraged this in the first place." He mutters more to himself than to me.
Daniel get's up. "You will get through this."
I Shake my head. "No I'm not, because since she left everything is tearing me apart, she took my heart with her, she took every thing that held that barrier that kept the demons away with her."
"Charlie -"
"I don't sleep anymore." I interrupt him. "I don't sleep anymore because now I don't only see his face, I see her face too and that scares me even more. I see her eyes, how much I hurt her, how hard I fucked up." I have to stop because I cry too hard. I didn't deserve her in the first place and I should have treated her like the queen that she is.
"I promised her to keep her safe, to protect her... The person she trusted the most, betrayed her too." This is the first time I say this out loud. "I failed her and I am so sorry that I did and I can't sleep because of that. I don't eat, I have a hard time learning because the only thing I can think about is her."
"I just want this sting to stop. I can't breath because it hurts so much. Every time I think about her it feels like someone grabs me by my throat and squeezes so hard that all the air is sucked out of me. Every time I see her and see the pain in her eyes it feels like I'm getting crushed, when I see how scared she is off me someone kicks me in the stomach and stabs me with a knife over and over again."
"I just want her to know how stupid I've been, how I regret everything about that stupid list, how much guilt I have. How grateful I am that she was in my life, that she loved me for who I was and that she made me feel so safe. I want her to know that she's the first person that I truly love."
"She healed me." I take a deep breath. "She made me a better person, she made me realize that I could be happy too, that I too deserved to be loved." I look at Daniel who's now standing next to me, he has tears in his eyes.
He pulls me in his arms and for the first time I just cry. I let him embrace me. "If you really love her, you have to fight for her." He says. "I'm proud of you, Charlie. You've worked so hard for the women you are today." I smile through my tears.
When coach and I met he took me under his wing and when my dad disappeared out of my life he took that roll.
"If there is one thing that I learned you, is that you never can give up." He says while letting go of me, he presses his index finger to my chest. "If she has your heart, don't let her go."
"If she could just give me a moment to explain myself, than -" I see movement behind him, so I look up. "Jay."
There are tears rolling down her cheeks. How much did she hear? Why is she so early? I wipe my tears away but before I can get a word out she turns on her heals and she walks away. Bumping into Jake in her way, who looks from me to her and runs after her.
I feel Daniel's hand on my back. "Let her think about what you said."
"You knew that she stood there, didn't you." I say while turning to him. "You wanted her to hear this."
He doesn't say anything, but I know enough. Does he want me to break her heart even more? She didn't need to hear that, that was too much.
"You might have ruined everything." I shake off his hand and walk away.
"Charlie!" He yells. I shake him off, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't fucking know.