It's quiet, really quiet. Not only in the house, but also in my heart. I feel nothing but emptiness, I'm gonna go to a place where I have nothing too. So what's the point?
I sigh, I've been packing the last of my stuff, my mom will send me the last few boxes that I won't need right away. It's mostly decoration.
"You should take that with you." I hear Keith say behind me. He knows that I still don't to talk to him, but he keeps trying. Not that I'm ever gonna let him apologize, he broke my trust, more than once and because of him, I broke myself.
"Come on Char." He says. "It's been weeks."
"I don't care if it has been weeks, days, months or years, Keith and if you know what you did wrong you would understand that." It's the first full out sentence I say to him since everything. "I'm not gonna waist my time on an asshole."
He sniffs. "Very highly coming from you, you aspect Jay to hear you out but won't let me."
"I don't ever want to hear her name coming from you." I say, angrier than I wanted to. I don't want him to see that I still care, that I still love her so fucking much, that the thing that hurts the most is leaving her.
To see on social media that she got another significant other, that she fell in love again, that she forgets me. I'm scared that when I leave she will replace me.
"Do you think it's fair for me?"
"Just leave me alone." I'm too exhausted and mentally drained to talk about this.
"Give me another change."
That's it. I turn on my heels, almost exploding with anger. "I gave you hundred changes in the past Keith."
"I forgave you when you got so drunk I had to call an ambulance for you and lie to mom about it, I forgave you when you got us both in trouble, in so much fucking trouble that we had a whole squad behind us who wanted to knock our teeth out, I forgave you when you chose dad over me and mom, I -" He wants to cut me off, but I'm quicker. "And don't ever think that you know everything better."
I look him straight in the eyes. "Not about Jay, not about me, not about my life and not about dad. You know absolutely nothing and do you know that that's with a reason." I say not caring that I'm hurting his feelings.
"Open your eyes, Keith." I walk passed him, suitcase in hand and backpack on my back. "So no, I haven't forgive you and I probably won't in a really long time."
"Then explain it to me, I'm your twin for christ's sake."
"And for that reason exactly just should have known on your own already. You should have seen it." I don't look back. I just walk down the stairs, drop my suitcase at the front door and walk towards the backdoor.
"I'm outside for a moment." I yell at no one in particular.
I can finally breath when I'm outside. I just close my eyes and listen to the birds that are chirping.
Everyone send me a nice text to wish me good luck or to say goodbye, the only one that didn't was Jay. First it didn't bothered me, but now I can't get her out of my damn head. I couldn't the moment I walked away on that party.
No one could stop me then, I was to strong minded to leave. Especially when I knew I was at the edge of breaking down. 2 seconds outside and I was crying, my heart hurted and the tears didn't seem to stop from falling when I made my way back home.
Just as now I sat then also on the porch, letting every feeling out, I rethought about everything. I wanted to turn around and kiss her so badly when I got up to leave. If only my legs would have let me.
My eyes look up when someone takes a place next to me. Mom smiles softly at me. "Are you okay?"
I let out a breath that I didn't knew I was holding. "I don't know."
"You could still go tomorrow, you need to be rested and I heard that you were still awake around 3 last night." Mom wraps her arm around me, normally I would hate it when she does that, but it calms me down a bit now.
"Yeah sorry, couldn't sleep but I'm rested."
"Char -"
"I promise!" We look at each other and laugh.
After we calmed down and I look away again, mom opens her mouth again. "You should say goodbye to her."
I frown. "What."
"That's why you couldn't sleep, just stop by here house before you leave and say goodbye." Mom kisses my head. "You need that closure, you both need that."
I shake my head. "We already said goodbye, it will only make it harder."
"Okay, if that's what you want, I will go make you some coffee to go, you should leave in a few if you want to arrive with daylight." Mom hugs me tightly before letting go and making her way back inside.
That's the problem I don't wanna leave but I do. It's messed up, I know. I groan and stand up, walk down the last couple of steps before my feet hit the grass. I breath in, letting the memories float to me.
Remember all the solo practices I had here. Remember every ball that I hit over the wooden fence, the neighbors yelling that their kids are sleeping when I made it late. I remember how me and the boys spend a lot of summers her, swimming in a stupid inflatable pool, sliding down a slip and slide. The porch where a lot of team meetings happened. I have a lot of memories here and the last of them are all with Jay.
Damn it. I pick up my old bad that always lays in the garden, almost as if I was scared to touch it after I got a new one. I'm taking this to my new place, that would be nice.
After collecting myself and breathing in enough air for a life time and probably some leaves I walk back to the porch. The house smells like coffee when I walk towards the kitchen.
It happens smoothly and quick, mom and I do our own ritual with saying goodbye, we swing the last stuf in my truck and then I'm in my car, gripping the wheel tightly, I don't want to let my mom see that I can cry because of leaving.
She kissed my forehead and that have become a weak spot after Jay. So I just smiled and waved before pulling out the driveway. I kept looking back in the mirror, saw how mom walked onto the road until she was nothing more than a little dot.
I drive slow and past every bit of town, not that I would forget it, but just because it will take a while before I see it. I grin when I see that Andrew and Jake are practicing a drill with some other teammates on a nearby baseball field. They all wave and shout out my name when I drive passed them. I hunk a view times and then speed away, knowing very well that I have to hit the highway soon.
Maybe some music will light up my mood. I connect my phone to the car and click on my playlist, turning up the sound and moving my head up and down on the beat. A great, a red light.
I open the window, resting my arm outside, tap with my fingers on the door. Long red light. I see a group of bikers in my side mirror, great. They are the worst on this hour, please turn green! Yess, the light turns green and I can speed off before they reach me.
"Cha-"
Was that my name? I look in the mirror if I recognize anyone but I don't see anything. I forget about it and look at the road in front of me. A few more turns and then I hit the highway.
A message makes me look at my phone, deciding right away to turn my notifications off, so I don't get distracted. When I look up, I see someone race out of an alley and stops right in front of me, I hit the break so hard that my seatbelt has to hold me back.
I almost close my eyes when it's getting really close, at this point you can smell the burnt rubber and smoke comes out from the back of my car but I manage to stop. With only a few inches between my truck and her.
With a racing heart I look in front of me, Ignoring the honks from the cars behind me. I stare into her eyes completely in shock that I almost ran her over. She blows out a breath and I can see that she's shaking.
"Are you crazy?" I yell. "I could have killed you! You could have sent me a text."
Jay drops her bike and walks over to the side of my door, not saying a thing.
"What are you doing?" I finally say when she opens my door and flips of some cars behind me with her middle finger. "Who are you?" I say, looking at the determined girl in front of me. Only now I notice how nervous I am and that I actually moved back a bit.
"Doing what I should have done from the start." She climbs up my truck so she's the same hight as me, before I can think about it she presses her lips onto mine and as soon as it happens, I forget about everything. My head is calm and my heart is beating out of my chest. My hands grab her hips so she doesn't fall and I feel my heart aching of how great it feels.
But I pull back. "Jay I can't, I-"
"Don't leave." Her eyes are teary, I move my hands down to steady her a bit better. She looks so scared and hurt and that makes my heart ache even more.
"I'm so sorry, please don't leave." She presses her head to my forehead. "I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I'm so sorry that I haven't seen it earlier, but I can't let you leave without saying that I can't life without you." She takes a deep breath. "I tried convincing myself that I could, but I can't, I'm still in love with you and I can't get you out of my mind."
She pulls back to look into my eyes. "Seeing you walk away on that party, was the most horrible thing I ever felt, it hurted more than the breaking up part because I knew you wouldn't come back. It crushed me and it reminded me that I made a mistake, the biggest mistake at my life."
"I already lost an important women in my life and I'm don't want to lose you too, I can't." She shakes her head. "I love you and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
I just stare at her. Completely in awe of the girl in front of me but mostly really confused and in shock. Every ounce in my body wants to say something, but the words keep being stuck in my throat.
"Please say something."
"I love you, but what if this is a mistake?"
We stare at each other, neither not knowing what to say and thinking about the same thing. This could be the end or a new beginning...