I found myself by the riverbank near the bridge again because the talk about me running away made me feel gloomy. The first time I imagined killing myself was when I was mixing oil paint using a no.4 scraper spatula. It was the one I liked and used the most from the scraper set that my art teacher-slash-my dad's mistress-slash-my former best friend's mother, gifted to me after winning the contest. It had an excellent pointed shape but wasn't sharp since it was not designed to stab things. But it did start on that.
Rainier wanted to pry why I was running away. I couldn't really answer that. But if he were to ask, where am I running to?... I guess this is it. I'm probably going to end up dead someday. Probably under this bridge or somewhere else.
...
Time passed, even though I just stared at the same landscape for over an hour, and it was finally time for me to go home. My parents were still working, so I grabbed one packet of instant noodles and ate it raw inside my room. I chatted with Cig about how I was feeling under the weather as if it was something new. After that, I grabbed one piece of watercolor paper made from cotton and sketched that bridge. I've only been there when it's nighttime, so I could only use a dark color palette when I began painting it using watercolor and gouache.
I don't really like how it turned out, but it was better than the first sketches I showed Rainier Seo. I knew he'd say there's nothing in it. So I painted some more. I sketched the protesters earlier, and I hated how it had to be so detailed. In the same manner, I painted over it with warmer tones using the same media I used earlier. After that, I also painted the cult preacher. Afraid it wasn't enough, I even drew that social experiment of the internet vlogger. To be sure, I also researched who that was. After scrolling through various profiles on MeTube, I finally found him. He also posted a photo of his social experiment on his Insta, which helped me have an idea of how to draw him. I only drew what was on my monitor, a person doing social experiments, not for educational research but for clout on social media. Oddly enough, he was wearing a tag and wrote, "I'm gay, will anyone hug me?" but he captioned it on his post that it was only for the social experiment content, which was suggested by his followers online.
I was somehow thankful that I was absent-minded earlier because I would have felt uncomfortable if I had actually noticed him. I was worried because Levi knew I was gay, but some people could use this privy matter for social media clout.
I didn't want to waste my precious paints anymore and only used my ballpoint pen for this. I was about to draw more about online gaming so that Rainier could write something about whatever he was nagging before, but dad knocked on my door.
"Son, wake up—" We looked at each other for a while, and I looked at the light permeating from the window curtain gaps. "You did not sleep at all, didn't you?"
"Oh, I forgot."
"I'm glad you began making art again, but you can't do it like this. You have school, how about your assignments? You still have to prepare to go to school today." My dad nagged as he helped me tidy up my room.
"This is my assignment."
"Fine. Now, tidy up yourself first." Dad arranged my art materials neatly, and I went to the bathroom to wash my face.
My mom nagged me more at the dining table. They sent me to school, and before I got to leave, dad handed me my drawing tube.
"I'll buy a frame later, you're not going to pass all of them, right?" Dad asked. I was flattered, but I acted annoyed.
"Why would you frame something as ugly as those?" Then I left.
...
I gave the drawing tube to my seatmate as soon as I arrived in the classroom. "If nothing's up to your standard, please tell me what you want me to draw later." And I fell asleep. Who am I kidding? My central nervous system's only functioning brain cells are busy worrying because Levi Kim knew about my sexuality. There's no way I could sleep with that in mind.
I've been doing as I please for so long now, and my past actions may imply that I never care about what people think about me. But I care! At least, until I die, I don't want people to know I'm gay. I know I have already disappointed my parents enough, but I don't want that thing about me to frustrate them. I'll do anything to piss them off but not admit to them that I like men.
I was overthinking and anxious to no avail. I could only hide my agony by pretending to sleep while uncontrollably shaking my leg. "At this point, if I don't make Levi shut up, I might as well just kill him with me to bury that secret with us," my intrusive thoughts kept bugging me to the point where I couldn't distinguish anymore if it was just alien thinking or my innate wishful idea.
Suddenly, a big, heavy, yet gentle hand grabbed my shoulder. I was shocked and looked up. There, the rays of morning sunshine illuminated his back, outlining his sharp features— Rainier happily looked at me. He smiled, showing his white pearly teeth, a single dimple on his right cheek caved in, and his eyes curved like the rainbow after a gloomy storm. "You're really amazing... I'm glad I got to be paired with you!" His voice saying these words strummed another string in my heart.
"Can I have the rest of your drawings? I'll tutor you in return, okay... Sky?" He asked with that sly smile that was hard to refuse.
I buried my head and lay on my desk again, trying my best to hide how flattered I was because he praised me. I used to react cooler when I got praise and awards... but maybe because it's been so long since I got praised, I couldn't help but blush awkwardly, blissfully indulging that this praise was from a person I'm crushing on.
"I'll take that as a yes. Is that okay?" He asked with that adorable chuckle.
"Shut up. I'm gonna sleep!"
Slowly, the light bugging me dimmed as Rainier pulled the curtain. He lightly patted my head and murmured, "Sleep tight then, Sky." My leg stopped shaking, but oddly enough, my heart now beats loud beyond my control.
For the first time, I smiled before I slept.
.
.
.
The next day, I ran after Levi while walking to the school. He was holding onto his canvas wrapped in paper. He walked fast, so I almost couldn't catch up to him. But even if it was embarrassing for me, I reached out and held the hem of his coat. He stopped and turned his back.
"What?" He made it so apparent that he was annoyed.
I swallowed my saliva, bracing myself to speak up. I rehearsed what I wanted to tell Levi Kim last night. I wanted to say that I hate him as much, and I will make his life a living hell if he dares to expose me. But now that I'm in front of him, I couldn't recall any of those practiced lines.
But somehow, I worked up my courage to say, "What I like and who I like are not something you should be worried about. I can't take your advice."
He squinted his eyes, and he shook my hands off him. "You're an idiot after all," he clicked his tongue after saying insulting words.
"Hey!!! You psycho bastard, if you dare to expose me, I'll make sure you wouldn't get any recommendation from the headmaster."
"Can you stay away from me? Your low IQ is contagious."
Levi Kim is an annoying bastard, but he doesn't seem to care that much about me. So, somehow I stopped worrying he'd speak to anyone about me. When all's said and done, I don't think he has anyone to tell these things to as I watched his back carry that big canvas alone.