I returned to our classroom feeling a little bit good about myself because someone recognized my art. However, before my ego inflates like balloons, this hell of a school that mass produces devil children pricks me where my insecurities lie. I arrived inside the classroom hearing my classmates discuss what happened in Arts class. I expected it to be between Levi and Rainier, but it was about the so-called "Connection Student."
"Isn't she fucking desperate to get the regular position? Openly showing her favoritism, how shameless!" The straight-laced guy who looked so neat and meek complained.
"Levi was planning to join that competition, right?" One asked among the guys who formed a circle with the chairs in the classroom.
The other guy wearing thick glasses, seriously contributed to their discussion, "Hmmm. He always practices after school hours. Imagine running the art club, but the adviser ended up choosing a transfer student to climb up the ladder... that sucks!"
"And what 'Connection Student' submitted today isn't even good. I've been to museums here and abroad— his bridge is not special, unlike Levi's work."
"That too!"
"Ugh! If not for Rainier, for sure, he couldn't really complete the task. He did not write anything for the essay. He did basically nothing, and how can we be sure he's really the one who made that?"
"Connection student must have gotten a perfect score for that."
"That punk. I really can't accept that he got a higher grade than me, knowing how much I've done for the assignment..." Most of them finally noticed me. They began appropriating their manners, fixed their posture, and signaled the person backstabbing me to shut his traps. But the signal was slower than my learning pace, and he continued his rant, "...He didn't even help in the reporting! He just stood there holding that trash, yet because he's close to the headmaster, he gets to join a national competition!"
His friends gave up on him and turned to their books for the self-study period, yet he still continued mocking me. At some point, his seatmate tapped his shoulder and pointed behind his back to give him a clue about the situation he was in now, which could only be described as 'literal backstabbing' as I was behind him all that time.
His face darkened... he gave me an awkward smile and then prone to his desk after looking down at me. It was amazing how they cowered and forgot how brave they were when they cussed at me in a focus group discussion. I was annoyed, wanting to return the favor and talk shit to them as much as they did to me. But a big part of me agreed with them that what I did was trash and nothing special.
I walked to my desk and picked up my things. Then, I left and went to the clinic, knowing that no one in the school could do anything to me if I didn't stay in the classroom because I was favored. The school doctor doing some paper works paused for a while when I entered and asked, "What brought you here?"
She was probably around her early fifties, I thought she was a librarian, but today she was wearing her white lab coat. She also had the same short curly gray hair as my grandmother in the countryside, giving me a lot of nostalgia.
I remember around the time when the gossip about my father's affair just broke out, my grandmother fiercely reprimanded my dad for thrashing the family's reputation and for sending me to that expensive art school... "Is this why you were so forceful in sending him to that school? It was so expensive, and you couldn't save enough for your family, but you insisted! If I knew it was because you were fooling around with Kai-kai's teacher, I wouldn't have ever let that kid hold a pen!"
"My chest feels tight," I responded to the doctor. She stood up and picked up her stethoscope, but I didn't want anything to do with her, so I stopped her and explained to convince her. "I have asthma, but it's not severe... I'm just probably like this because I haven't had enough sleep these days. But it's okay now because I have my inhaler with me in my bag, I swear... Would it be okay to sleep for a little bit here?"
"Let me check you first," She insisted.
"There's really no need— I just want to rest, please."
I thought she'd be adamant about doing her job, but she kindly pointed to one of the beds for me. "Thanks," I pursed my lips and tried to smile until I pulled the light blue divider curtains. I slumped on the bed, wanting to cry, but because I knew other people were in the room, I could only swallow the pain and never let anything out.
For the next few days, I hyperventilated on purpose, faking difficulty in breathing to take some rest at home. My parents had to work, making the pretense easier. I slept a lot, and when I couldn't, I'd dread over existential questions such as 'what am I doing with my life.' Being bugged by that question, I went to the bridge and watched that desolate place, only returning home when it was time for dad to come home.
I took the elevator and suffered listening to the uncle who apparently lived above our apartment. He became friends with my dad just a while ago and tried to convince me to play with his fifth-grader son if I had time. He talked a lot about how gifted his son is. I just nodded the whole time, but he said it was nice to talk with me as soon as I got to the fifteenth floor.
Sigh!* I was relieved when the door finally closed. But that relief did not last long when I found Rainier drinking tea with my mom in our living space.
"Oh! Here he is." Rainier alerted my parents as soon as he saw me.
"Kai-kai, where have you been?" Dad also walked towards them, holding a tray with chocolate cake slices.
I was tense about why Rainier was inside our house. I was fretting in my mind about what he might have said to my parents. "Please, don't let him tell my parents what happened at school!" I wished.
"Kai-kai, come here." Mom calmly commanded, "Sit, and we'll talk."
Rainier patted the seat next to him. I didn't want to sit beside my mother then, so I could only sit there.
"From now on, you don't have to go to the cram school. It's embarrassing hearing that you gave them a lot of headaches." Mom informed me. It was unexpectedly a piece of good news.
"Oh. Is that so?"
Suddenly, mom showed a pleased smile. It scared the shit out of me as she said, "You didn't tell me your friend here works as a tutor— that would have saved us some futile efforts. Rainier will teach you starting tomorrow."
"What?"
"We decided to hire your friend to tutor you. Don't treat him like the teachers in the cram school, okay?!" Dad reiterated.
"Don't worry, uncle. Even though Kai-kai can be blunt and unruly sometimes, I'm sure he'd be comfortable with me in no time." Rainier flattered my dad even though there was no way I'd ever be comfortable with my crush!
"Don't give up on my son, kid, or else I won't give you a bonus!"
"Giving up is not in my vocabulary, uncle."
"It's already late. How about you have dinner with us? You can play together in Kai-kai's room upstairs while I'm cooking. Is that okay?"
"Really? Thanks, uncle."
Mom even helped bring the chocolate cake slices into my room to accommodate him. Little did they know the guy they hired as my tutor was their son's first kiss.
"Behave well." My mom reminded me before closing the door.
I nodded in response as my conversation skills continued deteriorating because it was hard to comprehend what was happening around me. The only thing I'm sure of is "behaving well" is definitely impossible in this case.
"Why did you throw these? You drew me so hot and sexy here. It's a pity these drawings end up in a trash can. Don't you think so?" I turned my head and saw Rainier sitting on my chair, trying to straighten the crumpled paper on the drawing table. "Is it okay to iron this paper? I really want this portrait of mine— can I have it?"
"Do you want to burn them? Of course, you can't iron it."
"Oh, you're right! My bad, I was being an idiot." He laughed with his broken car engine laugh. This time, I wasn't offended. Also, his laugh is too absurd— it's hard to resist laughing at it.