TW// Panic attack
The setting sun was so warm. There was only the sound of crashing waves into the dock and the seagulls in the sky, circling above the harbour. With Elias standing there, Tivon only wished for the moment to last forever. But they never would. He knew that soon enough he'd have to say goodbye again and over again.
Elias wrapped his arms around his waist. "Everything okay? You've been staring at my face for a long time now."
Tivon smiled. "It's just..." He sighed. "I hate this. Saying goodbye every time. It's hard."
"I know." He pressed his forehead to his and closed his eyes. "I hate them too. I want to take you with me, but..."
He looked to his left where Cornelis, Rea and Ivan were standing. Cornelis was staring at them, her eyes, like eagles, fixed on Elias. "She would murder me."
Tivon looked at The Rose Sparrow docked behind them. "I want to go with you. I would love to go but I need to help her."
"I know." Elias brushed his lips on Tivon's cheek. Tivon reached for his lips and kissed them.
"Promise me you won't take long."
"Don't worry, it'll only be a few days, two weeks at full." He hugged him tighter. "Then I'll riot to Dorea."
Tivon laughed. "I don't doubt you will."
"Just stay close to the shore."
Tivon nodded and kissed him. He hated this. He hated these goodbyes so much. The feeling that stuck with him. He hated it. But it would pass, he knew that much. He would see him again.
When they parted, Tivon looked into his eyes. "I love you." He whispered.
Elias stroked his face. "I love you too."
He looked back at the group. His look suddenly looked puzzled. Worried. Tivon followed his gaze, but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary.
"What is it?"
Elias stayed silent for a moment and as he turned back to Tivon his troubled expression gone. "Nothing. Just..." he smiled. "Be careful."
Tivon held his hand, which was still resting on his face. "You too."
Elias kissed him again and then turned to the ship to board it. Tivon smiled at Nick, already positioned by the helm, waving at him. When Elias boarded, he turned around and shouted.
"If you need me, tell Dorea. I'll come."
Tivon smiled and nodded as the ship set sail into the open sea. Tivon stood there watching it sail until it was just a mare dot on the horizon. He sighed and put his hands in his pocket. He felt something small between his fingers. He pulled out a small seashell from earlier, when Elias and he were picking them up from the sea. Elias must've put it in when they were saying goodbye.
He smiled and held it firmly in the palm of his hand. Rea joined him. "Are you okay?"
Tivon looked at the sea. "I'll manage."
Rea took his hand and smiled. She looked at the horizon. "Will you stay for dinner?"
Tivon looked over his shoulder at Cornelis. "I think Cornelis is in a hurry."
"Of course, she is." Sighed Rea. She looked at Tivon and smiled. "You can always visit me, whenever you want."
Tivon squeezed her hand. "I know. If I'll manage I will."
They went back to regroup with Ivan and Cornelis. They said their goodbyes and Tivon and Cornelis went their own way. As they were walking Tivon looked at the horizon, the sun already swallowed by the sea, the stars reflecting on the smooth surface of the sea.
It'll only be a few days. He'll come back in no time. Elias was never gone for more than two weeks, and Tivon knew that he wouldn't allow himself to be gone for any more days. Only a few days. I could manage that. If I've managed it for a year, so I can do it now.
But Elias never came back.
Weeks passed and he hadn't returned. Then a month passed and there was no sign of him or even The Rose Sparrow. It was like he vanished. Tivon stayed close to the shores, refusing to go further in land, for he might miss Elias. They looked for him on every island, everywhere they could think of. Yet a year passed, and he was still nowhere to be seen.
He wouldn't take his eyes off the horizon. He might miss a ship, a sign, a breeze. Anything. The cold of the coming winter crept over his back. He pushed the shivers away. Tivon hugged his knees tighter to his chest, smoothing the black ring on his finger.
Cornelis put a jacket over his shoulders. "You should come inside. You'll get sick if you stay out here."
Tivon didn't say anything. Cornelis sat beside him. Despite that Tivon wanted to be alone, he didn't push her away. He thought that she would order him to go inside, but she just stared silently at the sea.
In barely a whisper, Tivon asked. "Did the sea say anything?"
Cornelis shook her head. "He is either too far away or he's de-"
"Don't!" He didn't want to hear it. He had said it so many times in his head, but he refused to believe that. He couldn't be. If he was, Tivon would know. "He's not. He couldn't be."
Cornelis didn't say anything. She only looked at the sea with a piteous expression. Tivon didn't want pity from her. He opened his mouth to say something when Cornelis said. "We need to start looking for them. I gave you time, but I'm running out of my own." She looked at him. "We need to resume the work."
Tivon knew that eventually they would need to go, and he would need to stop drowning his sorrow and sadness in silence, waiting by the shore. He looked back at the sea and nodded.
"There's one place I need to go and it's also the only place we haven't looked for him yet."
Tivon already knew what Cornelis had in mind, he pushed that place deep into his mind, refusing to revisit any memories from that place. He wasn't ready to hear it.
"We can look in Bradfordshire."
At the sound of the name, Tivon's whole body shivered. He hated that town. He wanted nothing less, but to just forget it. But he knew that Elias might be there. He hated the thought of it, but eventually he'd have to look there.
"I know that you don't want to go there-"
"We can go." He stood up and started walking towards the house. "We can go today."
There were about ten days of sailing to Bradfordshire. They have found a merchant ship that accepted them in the crew. Tivon couldn't sleep any of those nights. It was like he could feel the presence of the town getting closer to him with every day. At night he couldn't get the image of Alieana out of his head. Most of the time he held himself away from everyone, even Cornelis. Well, she wasn't even seen on deck, which Tivon could understand. It was a miracle that the Captain even allowed a woman to be on board.
Last night on the ship, Tivon managed to fall asleep. It wasn't a pleasant sleep. The same dream crept into his head. It was the same dream he always had. Him trapped under Alieana's body, her blood spilling from her mouth on his face. But this night she wasn't the one whispering words into his ear. It was Pit. His mouth so close to his ear, that he could feel his lips brush against him as he spoke. His words shivering through his body, through his bones.
Tivon jerked awake, covered in sweat, pushing the non-existent body off him. He could feel their touches on him. He could feel their words quivering through his bones. Tivon scratched ferociously at his skin, just to get rid of the feeling. The air below deck was suffocating him. He needed air. He grabbed his jacket and ran outside.
When on deck he breathed in the night air. The sun was about to rise. It was still cold, but it was much warmer than in Naydawin. He grabbed the railing of the ship and only then had he realized that his whole body was shaking uncontrollably, his lungs still trying to catch fresh air.
Calm down Tivon. He grabbed the railing firmly and breathed in. They're not real. They are dead. His knees were shaking, and he knew if he wouldn't sit down that they would give in. They are dead. He repeated and sat down. You killed them. He leaned his head on the railing. You killed them both.
Tivon pushed the tears, gathering in his eyes, away. He shouldn't feel bad for them. He knew they were awful people. He knew that he made the right choice. So why did he still felt guilty? If he could go back in time, he would do it again.
Would he?
If that meant that he wouldn't have those dreams, that he wouldn't be haunted by them for the rest of his life, would he still do it?
He found out that he didn't have the answer to that question.
"Can't sleep?"
Tivon turned to see Cornelis standing behind him. Why is she asking that? She knows that I haven't slept in months. Tivon looked back at the sea and just nodded.
"You know I can give you something to help you sleep."
He knew that. Some nights he wanted to ask her to give something, anything to him. But that meant he would just keep running away from his problems. A coward running away from his past mistakes.
Tivon didn't answer her. She sat beside him. He didn't want to look at her. He knew he would only find pity in her face. He didn't want that. He didn't want it because he knew that Cornelis was just like him. Lounging, searching for someone she didn't even know if they were still alive. But Cornelis was bearing more pain than Tivon. She had already lost someone she loved.
Tivon hadn't thought about Sabur in years. Partially because he didn't want to remember him. He wasn't the most likeable person in his life. But he was someone to Cornelis.
"Did he ever visit you?" Tivon didn't even know why he spoke out loud. Cornelis looked at him confused. "Sabur. Did he ever visited you when he cursed himself?"
For a second, he thought she might just stand up and walk away, but she just looked at the rising sun and said. "He did. Only once." Tivon looked at her. Her golden eyes were fixed on the sun. "He came only once, to trick me. He came with those eyes, those beautiful eyes. With the smile that would brighten up the world." A shadow of anger crossed her face. "He came to apologize, and I blinded by his tricks, believed him. In truth, he came to kill me. Fortunately, he didn't succeed."
Tivon looked down at his feet, dangling above the water. He tried to understand Sabur's actions, but they just never seem to make any sense. "Do you miss him?"
Tivon thought she was going to say no. He wasn't expecting her to say what she did. The answer made him look up at her.
"I don't know."
Tivon had nothing to say to that. In the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of a town, trapped behind the fog. He stood up and went to the other side of the ship. As it got closer, the fog slowly disappearing, Tivon could see the familiar dark and gloomy town. A tremble spread over his body as the memories of the town flooded in.
Cornelis held his hand. "If you don't want to, I can go alone."
"N-no." He breathed in and tried to steady his voice. "I can do it."
"I'll be there with you. You won't be alone."
Tivon managed a nod as the ship anchored in the harbour.
The streets were just as Tivon remembered them to be. Nothing had changed. Shops and houses were cramped together, only little narrow side streets spreading them apart. The streets were filthy and muddy, crawling with diseases. The air was filled with choking dampness and if Tivon already had problems catching his breath, now he felt like he would suffocate.
Cornelis silently followed him up the street. They would first look at the apartment Elias was staying at when he was in The Jade Paradise. They would do Cornelis's job later. They had already gone pass The Jade Paradise. The pleasure house was abandoned, part of it still burnt down from the explosion. He felt a pinch in his left eye, and he could swear that he saw someone walk through the ruins of the pleasure house. Tivon didn't stop to look at it. They were probably just people rummaging through the house.
He was surprised that he still remembered the path through the labyrinth of streets to the apartment. They quickly found themselves standing before doors with a red mark above it.
"Do you have the keys?"
"No." He took out his lock-picks. "I'll use this."
"I could've guessed that Elias hadn't had the keys."
Tivon crouched down at the lock. "No, he didn't"
Cornelis looked at him confused. "Remind me of whose apartment is this again?"
"I don't know." Shrugged Tivon.
"So, we are breaking in?"
"I guess."
Tivon's heart was beating loudly. He could hear it in his ears. He really hoped that by some odd chance Elias would be here, or that he might have been here. The lock gave in, and Tivon opened the door. Just as they stepped in, the trapdoor up the stairs started opening. Tivon's breath caught in his lungs. He just wanted to run into Elias' arms.
But the man coming down the stairs wasn't Elias. For a split second they just stared at each other. The man's hair was short and brown, his eyes a matching colour. Cornelis just stared, eyes darting from Tivon to him.
"Who are you?" Tivon was silent, he didn't know what to say. The man stepped closer. "H-how did you get through the door? They were locked."
Cornelis elbowed Tivon in the back. Tivon stumbled for his words. "H-have you seen Elias?"
"Who?"
"A tall guy, with long black hair. Maybe he was wearing a mask, but if he didn't, he has blue ey-"
"No, I haven't seen him." He started reaching for something behind his back. Tivon froze in place. "I-I don't know who you are, o-or how you got into my apartment, but I'll ask you to l-leave."
"Tivon." Said Cornelis reaching up her hands.
"Please l-leave."
"I'm sorry." Said Tivon, grabbed Cornelis' wrist and ran outside on the street. He was still holding Cornelis as he ran to the main street, away from the apartment. The heartbeat in Tivon's ears started to grow louder. He couldn't hear Cornelis screaming his name until she yanked him and grabbed his shoulders.
"Tivon, calm down!" Tivon's eyes started darting all over her face, unable to focus. "Look into my eyes and calm down."
Tivon focused on her eyes. They were almost glowing. Her golden eyes. They reminded Tivon of snake's eyes. He didn't even notice his heartbeat slowing down. He looked down at his chest to see Cornelis' palm resting over his heart, slowing his heart down.
"Just breathe."
Tivon obeyed. "T-thank you."
"There you go. I don't know what happened right now, and you don't need to explain, but is there anyone in this town that you know of that might know where Elias is."
Tivon thought about it. He had pushed the memories of this place so far away that he needed to recall, who he had met here. And there it was. A bright, happy memory of this godforsaken place. He looked up at Cornelis.
"Follow me."
He ran up the street, Cornelis barley catching up to him.
The store was still there, but it has gotten bigger. Her business seemed to grow since Rea helped her open a shop in the village in Naydawin. Everyone loved her work. Rea had even offered her to move to Naydawin, but she refused to. Tivon couldn't understand why she didn't want to leave this awful place, but after all it was her home.
Tivon opened the door and entered the shop. He must've lost Cornelis somewhere in the streets as she was nowhere behind him. As soon as he entered the store, he was filled with indescribable joy. The shop was filled with colourful handmade jewellery and decorated knives and daggers. Someone came from the back door. A big smile painted on her wrinkled face.
"Violet." Smiled Tivon.
Violet came behind the counter and ran into Tivon's arms. Tivon didn't feel that happy and safe in someone's arms in months. She looked up at him and stroked his face with her hand. Despite her wrinkled hands, they felt smooth and warm against Tivon's skin. Violet smiled and every time she did, her eyes would close. She really was the only sparkle of light in this dark murky town.
"How are you, Violet?"
She smiled and nodded. She nodded towards him.
"Me? I've been doing okay." Lied Tivon, hoping that he could cover his lie with a smile. Violet held his hands in hers. She smoothed the black ring on his finger. She pointed at it and looked up at Tivon.
"Elias? That's why I came here. You see-"
The door to the shop opened and Cornelis entered it. »There you are, I've been searching-" Her eyes met Violet's. "Everywhere for you." She continued, her voice low.
Tivon looked between them. Their expressions were unreadable. It looked like they had seen each other before. He could only see Violet swallow down and tightening her grip on Tivon's hands.
He broke the silence. "Violet, this is Cornelis. Cornelis, Violet. Cornelis is the one who saved me."
He pointed at the scar on his chest. Violet looked at him with worried eyes.
"We've come here because Elias is missing. I hoped if I came to Bradfordshire I could find him." He held her hands. "Violet, have you seen Elias?"
She shook her head. Tivon sighed. Violet reached her hand to his cheek. "No, it's okay. I just had to make sure if maybe he- Thank you Violet, nonetheless."
She tried to smile. Tivon knew that if she could, she would help him find him, but if she hasn't seen him, he really could be anywhere.
"Tivon, we should go." He looked at Cornelis. Her expression was dull. "We still have work to do."
"Yeah." He looked back at Violet. "I'm sorry Violet, I would love to stay-"
She started nodding her head off and holding his hands to Tivon's chest. She smiled.
"Thank you. When I find him, I promise I'll come visit."
She smiled and released his hands. Cornelis already stormed out of the shop and when Tivon said goodbye to Violet. He couldn't ignore the worried look on Violet's face. However, there was something more. She wasn't just worried. She was also angry. Angry as someone who had something very precious taken away from them.
Tivon has never been that far into the Bradfordshire. The streets there were even shadier than at the port if that could even be possible. The people were sitting crammed on the streets, looking at Tivon like he was prey. He kept close to Cornelis, his eyes fixed on the ground.
Their whole time Cornelis was talking to herself in a tongue unfamiliar to Tivon. She did that when she was worried or angry. He had already caught up with some of the words, but he still couldn't make sense of the sentences. Right now, he only understood the words hodqr and yonygy which meant fault and voice.
He tried to ignore her, but it was better to focus on that than to think about Elias. Now that Violet didn't have a clue where he was, he had no lead. He was at the end of the road again. He almost crashed at Cornelis when she came to a stop. They were standing before an abandoned building. Cornelis scratched her long black nail across the doors wood as if she was painting something.
Someone opened the door and offered them to go inside. Tivon couldn't see the person's face as it was covered with a hood. The place was small and there was someone sitting at the end of the room, hiding in a shadow. Cornelis went to him and spoke in a low voice.
"Uyqon."
"Zyrgu," Tivon's bones shook at the deep voice of the person. "Zuor uoya ona gonsarry uyty hont?"
"Y payak ron hypk s tonryt."
Tivon understood only fragrances of what they were saying. He understood find and sister.
"Qonon yp Rhiamon."
Tivon looked up at the name of the ruined village Rhiamon. It quickly made sense to him. That village was known for witches. He just didn't understand what they could possibly find there. The village was only stone and ruin.
"Rurop ona."
Cornelis grabbed Tivon by the wrist and started heading out.
"Zuor'yx ruor aon konypib zyru ona?"
Tivon understood that. He was asking about him.
"Y payak uys. Uyx yy, Y kon ponr ponz zour yx yr yor, adr xonsarryruypib oaondr yr…"
"Tysarrysayt ruy uyxaront."
She nodded and pulled Tivon out the house and started walking quickly towards the harbour. Tivon just managed to understand that she needed him and that it has something to do about the eye. Well, he only hoped that was what she said. However, he couldn't understand what the men had said.
"Cornelis, can you slow down."
She suddenly stopped and released his hand. "S-sorry."
He rubbed at his hand. "It's okay. What do we do now?" Tivon already knew that she wouldn't want to look for Elias anymore and he had a pretty good clue of where they were going. He just wanted to make sure.
"I might know where to find my sisters. It's a town in Neydawin. It's called R-"
"Rhiamon." Cornelis looked at him. "I know where it is."
Cornelis nodded. "Then let's not waste any more time."
____________________________________________________________________
Cornelis' language
"Uyqon." "Hello."
"Zyrgu, zuor uoya ona gonsarry uyty hont?" "Witch, what have you come here for?"
"Y payak ron hypk s tonryt." "I need to find my sister."
"Qonon yp Rhiamon." "Look in Rhiamon."
"Rurop ona." "Thank you."
"Zuor'yx ruor aon konypib zyru ona?" "What's that boy doing with you?"
"Y payak uys. Uyx yy, Y kon ponr ponz zour yx yr yor, adr xonsarryruypib oaondr yr…" "I need him. His eye, I don't know what is it yet, but something about it..."
"Tysarrysayt ruy uyxaront." "Remember the history."