TW// Mention of murder, blood, panic attack
Seeing her die, was a constant in Rea's dreams. Blade cutting through Elysis' skin, penetrating her heart. Rea never actually saw her aunt getting stabbed, she was just the first person to find her lifeless body covered in blood, sprawled on the ground in the middle of the castle gardens. But in her dreams, she always saw her getting stabbed. She could never prevent it. Rea could only watch Elysis' smile on last time before she crumbled to the ground, breathless. Only then she could run to her, but she could never stop the blood pouring out of her lifeless body.
However, in this dream the body of Elysis changed to a figure Rea didn't know. She pushed the body away, frantically looking around herself. She was on a ship and the rain was pouring down on her and the bloodied bodies surrounding her. All of them were the ones she had killed. It was the day when she and Elias were waiting for the kingdoms ships to arrive to their rescue.
The rain washed up the blood over to her. She crawled backwards to outrun it, but she just slammed at the ship's wooden walls. The corpses started to rise. There were so many of them. God, how many did she kill? She knew they were the ones she had killed. They were all penetrated by an arrow.
They slowly started moving towards her. Rea reached for a bow lying beside her. The bodies jumped at her. She didn't hesitate. She reached for the arrows and started shooting, her arrows never missing their hearts.
It scared her.
It scared her how easy it was to take a life.
One of them managed to kick the bow out of her hand. She ducked his next blow and reached for an arrow. She gripped it tightly and stabbed it through the man's heart. When she looked up at his face, he was not a man anymore. It was a familiar, kind smile. Rea screamed as she let go of the body of Elysis.
She woke up screaming, falling to the floor off her chair. On the impact of the floor, she realized she was awake and quickly covered her mouth, hoping that she didn't wake anyone up. Rea was still in her office. She had fallen asleep at her work again.
Rea gathered the strength to stand up, finding her legs still shaking. The dreams still terrified her, even though she had seen them a million times by now. Because of that she avoided falling asleep as much as she could. She gripped the side of the table, struggling to keep herself standing.
That's why she worked. It helped her stay awake. She glanced at the papers on the table. Anxiety rushed over her as she saw all the unfinished work. She thought working would help, but in reality, it didn't. There was simply too much of it. Trying to keep both kingdoms standing up, it wasn't easy.
She picked up the invitations for the incoming ball. This needs to work. If she wanted stability over both kingdoms, she needed to be crowned Queen, but she could only do that if the other kingdoms recognized her as one. But not only the standing regents. The people. She needed to prove to the people she could be a good Queen.
That was not as easy as she first thought it would be. So, she would organize a dance, inviting the kingdoms and the people, showing them who she is. She knew it wouldn't solve everything, but it might give her a start. A push in a right direction.
She put the invitations down. There was still other work to do. She looked through the window. It was still dark, and the clouds were gathering over the sky. It was about to rain. I should get something to eat and then sent out the invitations.
Food was the last thing she wanted, but Ivan had forced her to at least get something to eat before she started working or when the kitchen was empty. He thought that she was uncomfortable at the thought of others seeing her eat, but that was not the case. She just couldn't stomach anything. Anything she forced down her throat she would vomit out.
Rea walked towards the kitchen, her head throbbing. She was still trying to shake off the nightmares. As she passed the main door, she stumbled upon the letters from last night that would be delivered to her by morning.
She picked them up and quickly glanced through it. The first few were just unimportant junk, the other was a letter from her mother. She would have read at in that moment, but a paper underneath it caught her attention. It was from the village by the castle, complaining about the shortage of food, the letter beneath was from another village inside Naydawin. Rea's heartbeat quickened. It was another complaint, this one about the roughs and thieves. Panic seized her as she saw another letter complaining about the drought. There were more and more letters with complains, more and more of them outside Rea's control. The only thing she could hear was her rushing heart slamming against her temples. She dropped the papers on the ground.
She needed air.
She needed her bow.
Rea needed to go outside and shot her arrows. So, she did. Rea went into the infirmary and grabbed her bow. She headed outside, behind the castle, to the shooting range. Her heart was still slamming into her chest. She needed to calm down, quickly. Rea took an arrow and strung her bow. She breathed in and let go. The arrow hit the side of the target. I need to calm down. She took another arrow, hitting the target to the other side of the target, still no closer to the middle.
Elysis taught her how to shoot. She did it in secret because Rea's parents didn't allow her to wail weapons. Her aunt didn't care. She took Rea on walks hiding their bows underneath their dresses. Rea loved those days. Elysis figured out that it calmed Rea down. Every time when she was nerves and couldn't catch her breath Elysis took her out to shoot.
"If you want to hit the target right, you'll have to calm your heart."
Rea looked at her, tears gathering in her eyes, struggling to catch air. "But I c-can't. My hands are shaking too much."
Elysis grabbed her hands. "You need to breath slowly." She breathed in and Rea did the same. "Like that." She positioned the bow in Rea's hands and guided her. "Breath with the arrow. When you drew the bow, you breath in. Concentrate on your target not your heartbeat. And when you breath out."
Rea breathed out as she released the arrow. It hit the middle of the target. Rea looked up at Elysis, her eyes glowing. "Aunty, I did it. That was the first time I hit the middle of the target."
Elysis hugged her tight. "And your heartbeat has slowed down."
Rea hadn't even noticed it. She smiled and hugged Elysis tight.
"Thank you, aunty. With you I can always be calm because I know you'll be here to help me."
"Oh, Rea." She brushed her golden hair. "I won't always be here to calm you down and protect you."
Elysis had taught Rea how to calm down with shooting. It had always helped. So why can't I do it now? She took another arrow and shot the target. It missed. She reached for another one, but when she let go, she could only see the bodies she had killed. The rain started pouring down on her. Her hands started shaking. I need to calm down. She took another arrow and she missed again. Weak! Panic and frustration blinded her vision as she threw the bow to the ground and grabbed another arrow, throwing it in the target. Useless! She yelled out in frustration, running towards the target. You useless thing! She slammed the arrow into the target again and again.
"Useless!"
Someone yanked the arrow out of her hand. Before she could protest arms wrapped around her, holding her hands down tightly. She tried to set herself free.
"Rea stop!" Yelled Ivan. "Please!"
Vision returned to Rea's eyes, and she stopped resisting. She didn't even realize she was crying. She hugged Ivan and buried her head into his shoulder. "I'm sorry Ivan," she sobbed. "I just- I-"
"Shhhh," he stroked her back. "It's okay. Just calm down."
"I-I can't."
"You can." His voice was low and soft. "I know you can. Just follow my breathing."
His breathing really was steady, so Rea followed it.
"That's it. Just slowly breathe."
When Rea caught her breath, she said. "Ivan, I don't know if I can do this. This all kingdom stuff, I- I don't think I can do it. And with Tivon away and Elias m-missing, I-I-"
He brushed his hand down her hair. At first, he stayed silent. "I know it's hard, but you can't expect you'll succeed in just two years. Kingdoms aren't built overnight."
Rea looked him up into his hazel eyes. It was hard for her to see through the rain and her tears. "But Ivan, I'm not fit for that, I could never."
"Hey, hey." He brushed a tear off her cheek. "If anybody can do it, it's you. You've the best thing that could happen to this kingdom."
"But the complains-"
Ivan held her hands. "People will always complain when someone new is put up on the throne. You just need to show them who you are. You need to show them you care."
"And what if I don't know how to do that?"
"You will. You always will. Because you're Rea and Rea always finds a way." He smiled gently. "And I will always be here to help and protect you." He squeezed her hands.
Rea hugged Ivan. That's all she could do. She was exhausted beyond thinking. But Ivan was right. He would be beside her. He was always here for the past two years, and he would always stay. And with his help she might make it.
"You're shivering." Ivan removed his coat and wrapped it over Rea's shoulders. "Come on. You'll catch a cold, and you need sleep."
He helped her stand up. Sleep. She was tired, but who would do the work? "But the wor-"
"No. You need to sleep. And no working tomorrow either." Rea looked at him baffled. "Tomorrow we'll take our horses, and we'll go hunting."
"But-" Rea started protesting.
"No buts. You need to clear your head, but first you'll get some sleep and I'll bring you a cup of lavender tea."
Rea smiled. Rarely did someone in this castle, remember that she adored lavender tea. It always reminded her of home. Ivan was the only one here who remembered. He was the only one that made Kingdom of Naydawin a home. She was grateful for that. She was grateful to have him.