"Let's celebrate!"
"Really?"
"Definitely! Alucia, what's your favorite thing?"
"That reminds me, I don't know, either!"
"My favorite thing?"
"Yes!"
"…Why do you want to know?"
"Don't ask me that! You'll know soon!"
"Ah-ha-ha. I suppose I will."
Despite the cheerful conversation, Alucia's face was
growing gradually gloomier.
"So tell us! What is it?"
"Well, let me think…"
The easygoing mood shifted.
Alucia smiled, but there was a darkness in it directed
toward herself.
"I don't think I have a favorite thing."
Her unexpected and strangely sad answer hit the audience
right between the eyes, including me.
Startled, Kris rushed in to alleviate the tension.
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"What? I—I mean, you know so much! You're so good at
making things, and you're even great at magic! I bet you like
lots of things!"
"Not really. I've got royal blood, and one day, I have to be
queen… That's the only reason I work so hard. It's not
because I enjoy it."
You could hear her regret, and she refused to look straight
at Kris's bright and cheerful face.
"You said it's the only reason, but it's an amazing one!
Compared with you, I don't have anything."
"That's not true."
"I want to be like you, Alucia."
Alucia was quiet for a moment.
The silence beat down on us almost aggressively, laying
the groundwork so that her next words would land as
powerfully as they could.
"—Like me?"
Each word was desperately empty and cold—and
obstinate enough to reject any attempt at understanding.
"I think your view of me is mistaken, Kris."
"It is?"
"I'm not the wonderful kind of person you think I am."
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"What do you mean?"
Hinami drew in a long, slow breath onstage. Her eyes
were pitch-dark, like a black hole. She had the audience in
the palm of her hand.
"I have everything. But—"
She took in all the silence, a silence as dark as night, and
ripped through it with her next words.
"—that's exactly why…I have nothing."
Those hollow words were a chillingly lonely confession
that laid Alucia's heart bare.
Her performance left my mind blank, lost in the echoes of
those words.
Still, the play went on. Finally, Alucia lowered her head,
rearranged her expression just like she was putting on a
mask, and adopted a fake voice.
"I'd rather you give me something you like yourself, Kris."
"Y-you would…? …All right then!"
"Great! I'm so excited! A present from Kris!"
Alucia painted over the darkness in the air with her
cheerful voice, obliterating it in moments.
"Wait, Alucia. Kris never said she was giving you a
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present."
"He's right! Why'd you say that, Alucia?"
"Oh, true! Sorry, sorry."
"Sneaky, sneaky!"
"Ah-ha-ha. But it's a promise, right?"
"…Of course!"
Awash in the gentle mood created by Kris and Libra, the
conversation returned to normal. Once again, Alucia had
hidden her own feelings away.
The story was about to reach its first climax.
The dragon had marked its thirteenth birthday, but it still
could not fly.
It was Libra who discovered the reason.
Watching the dragon as it slept by the water's edge, he
delivered his lines.
"Dragons—can see into the hearts of humans."
He was about to reveal the truth.
A truth that bound the dragon's wings like chains.
"You don't want to fly, do you, Kris?"
I heard whispers ripple through the audience. This was
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evidence that the students were invested now, and that
Kikuchi-san's story was reaching them.
Here was the weakness within Kris: Her fear of the
unknown outweighed her desire to fly away from her
enclosed world.
But Libra made her an offer.
"Let's fly together."
"But…"
"I know you're just scared to go alone. So…"
"So?"
"…I'll go with you. We'll see the world together!"
Libra was always direct about these things, and that was
enough to move Kris's heart.
The two of them climbed onto the dragon, joined hands,
and made their wish.
Fly for us!
The stage went black.
A few seconds later, the lights came back on—and I was
surprised at what I saw.
In place of the black-and-white backdrop was a brilliantly
colorful painting of the town.
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I could hear some delighted gasps from the audience. This
plan must have materialized while I was practicing my skit,
because I didn't know anything about it.
But I was certain it was Kikuchi-san's idea.
I can't imagine a stage effect that could have expressed
her emotions more perfectly.
Kris and Libra talked as they took in the beautiful sights.
"Wow! What is that, a frog?!"
"Ha-ha-ha. We'd never be able to see a frog from up here.
That's a dragon!"
"No way! It's so small! I mean, aren't giant dragons more
like thiiiiis—?"
"Hey, watch out! Keep your hands on the dragon!"
"Ah-ha-ha!"
At first, they were focused on the sprawling landscape
below, but before they knew it, their gazes were directed
forward—far into the distance.
Gradually, their expressions grew peaceful and gentle.
"Is that…?"
"Yeah."
"The sea, right?"
"Right."
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The ocean glittered in the sunlight ahead of them. Kris
had never seen it before.
"It's…so beautiful."
"Yeah…I can't believe it."
"What do you mean? I thought you'd seen the ocean
before, Libra?"
"Yes…I have, but…"
"But what?"
Libra smiled kindly.
"…I never realized it was so beautiful."
"…Oh."
They shared a view of the world no one else had ever seen
—and then they returned to the garden.
The stage went black again. Not a single student took
advantage of the darkness to chatter, and I could tell the
whole gym was waiting to see what happened next. That was
how I knew the play itself had got them.
But I was also affected by a layer of meaning that no one
else knew about.
When I read the play the first time, I hadn't realized…but
that scene by the ocean?
It was an homage to Kikuchi-san's beloved Poppol.
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After that, Kris got Libra to take her outside the castle for
a day.
But what she encountered was not the beautiful scene
she'd seen from the sky—it was a world full of poverty and
unfamiliar rules.
When they went to the market district, the shopkeepers
got mad at her, she was too shy to talk to strangers, and
soon, it was time to go home.
She had been confronted by reality, plain and simple.
"Libra? I think…I've kind of been getting a free ride,
haven't I?"
"What do you mean?"
"I haven't had to work at all to have a good life…and I've
stayed here, cut off from everything. This garden is so big,
but it's so small."
"…I don't think that's true."
"No, I realized something."
Kris spoke haltingly.
"It was easier when it was someone else keeping me in
here…but now that I know I can leave if I want to, staying
here would be so much more unbearable and lonely and
horrible."
She was trying to put her sense of inferiority into words,
to parse it out for herself.
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"When you look at the outside world from far away, it's as
beautiful as magic fireworks…but if you really want to be
part of it, you've got to work hard."
"…Kris."
"Libra, I'm going to try."
Starting that very day, she began to work as hard as she
could.
Little by little, she learned the skills that didn't come
easily. She was clearly changing.
But those changes were unsettling to Libra.
He thought there were other paths she could choose.
From that point on, I'd heard about the story—but I
hadn't read the script.
One day, Kris and Libra got in an argument.
"I'm…against it."
"Why…?"
"I just think you have other options, Kris."
"What other options?! You think I should stay in this
garden forever?"
Kris hurled her real feelings at Libra more passionately
than she ever had before.
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The person she wanted to be, her frustration at not being
able to become that self, the places she wanted to go, and the
things she wanted to see.
All those feelings, those raw, visceral thoughts, had been
honed and woven into the play for us all to see.
"Libra?"
Kris turned directly toward the audience before speaking
her next words.
"The world we saw from the sky was full of brilliant color.
But…when I went there myself, everything was the color of
ash."
Once again, I felt I'd heard someone else say those things
before.
"I wanted to see that beautiful world for myself." Kikuchisan's true feelings, spoken through Kris, took my breath
away. "Is it so wrong that I want to see what everyone else
does?!"
Her violent emotions, desires, and inner conflicts had
been transformed into words.
"I felt trapped in here, when the possibilities outside were
endless. But I couldn't survive there. I was just useless and
small."
The revelations pulled me in, sweeping everything away in
a powerful flood.
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"Why can't I get along with everyone? Why don't I know
the most obvious things?"
Each shouted line shook me so completely that I felt
hypnotized.
This was a scream from her soul, the alienation she could
no longer contain.
"Am I…just too different from everyone else?"
And—the cry of a girl who had lost her way, caught
between ideals and reality.
"Tell me, Libra, am I…?"
This was the worry that gripped Kris, the girl who had
grown up all alone in the garden with reading as her only
diversion.
She suffered from a fear that she was fundamentally
different from the rest of humanity—a deep and cruel inner
struggle.
"On the Wings of the Unknown" marched toward its final
climax, the hearts of the audience firmly in its grip.
Some time passed.
Libra entered the garden where Kris lived, carrying a bag.
Depressed, Kris looked at the bag curiously.
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"…What's that, Libra?"
"Oh, this? Well, you know all those things you gave me the
other day?"
"…You mean the flower garlands?"
"Yeah."
Several days earlier, Libra had asked Kris if she would
give him all the garlands she'd made in the past.
"You said you wanted to learn how to make them, right?"
"Right. I'm sorry, but that was a lie."
"A lie…? What do you mean…?"
"Actually…"
Libra pulled a piece of paper from the bag.
"What's that?"
"A letter."
"A letter?"
Libra handed it to Kris.
She read it slowly, and surprise came over her face.
It was no wonder.
"'Thank you for the very beautiful garlands. I will treasure
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them'…?"
The clumsy but heartfelt words were written in a child's
hand.
"That's not all," Libra said, and he began to pull out all
kinds of fruits and vegetables from the bag.
"Wh-what are those…?"
"Payment."
"For what?"
"For the garlands. I traded them at the produce shop."
"You did…?"
The produce shop—the same shop whose owner had
scolded Kris for not knowing the unspoken rules when she
left the castle that day.
Libra explained.
The shopkeeper had been trying to find a present for his
daughter. She'd loved the garlands as soon as she saw them,
and he offered to trade produce for them. On top of that—
the daughter loved them so much that she gave Libra extra.
"When I told the owner that you were the one who made
them, he apologized and said he shouldn't have acted like he
did."
"Oh, Libra… Really?"
"Of course! Look, there's more! This one's from the wife of
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the innkeeper. This one's from the son of the armorer. There
was a seven-year-old boy who was all excited because he was
going to propose to a girl he was friends with… I wonder if
she accepted!"
"Libra…"
Kris was standing rooted to the ground, stupefied. Her
view of the world had just been pushed wide-open.
"So do you see now? Those flower garlands you make for
fun—there's tons of people who want them."
"Yes…"
"That means you're not too different. You have a place in
the outside world, too."
"Yes…yes!"
"So…"
Libra spread both arms wide and gestured for Kris to
follow him.
"…let's fly! This time, with our own wings!"
With those words, even the garden scenery changed from
monochrome to color with a flip of the paper.
The strangely shaped trees, the green leaves that filled
every corner, and the familiar old water's edge… How could
the scenery she knew so well be this beautiful?
Kris looked to be on the verge of tears, but instead, she
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smiled and nodded.
You could tell from the brilliance of her smile that her
petrified heart was melting.
The stage went dark and then lit up again as the story
entered its epilogue.
Once Kris decided to leave the garden to pursue her
passion, Alucia used her connections as a member of the
royal family to introduce her to a workshop where many
flower artisans worked, and Kris was offered a position as an
apprentice.
The day of her departure arrived. The three friends
gathered in the garden.
Libra turned to Kris.
"You can always come back if things get too hard out
there."
The garden and the castle would always be Kris's home.
Kris wiped her tears away as she answered him.
"I know… Thank you, Libra."
"I don't plan to coddle you like Libra does," Alucia said. "I
expect you to become the best flower artisan in the world…
and…"
"…And?"
It was as if Alucia was unable to keep her next words
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inside.
"…when you return, don't come to this garden. Come to
the castle, Kris…!"
"Okay…! I will, Alucia…!"
The two girls hugged, sharing their sadness.
Kris said her farewells to the rest of the castle residents
and began her apprenticeship.
She had thought she would never fit in anywhere.
She had thought she was fundamentally different from the
rest of the world.
But in the end, she found her place.
"I'm glad I did it!"
With those words, she expressed her overwhelming
gratitude for her freedom.
Kris stood in the center of the stage, illuminated by a
spotlight and staring straight out at the world.
"On the Wings of the Unknown," this story made for Kris,
was coming to its end—
"I finally learned to fly!"
—or so I thought.
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The lights went out again as Kris spoke her last line. That
was the end of the last scene I'd heard about from Kikuchisan, and I was ready to start clapping.
But the story wasn't over.
The lights came back on.
Hinami-slash-Alucia and Mizusawa-slash-Libra were
standing onstage. For a second, I didn't understand what
had happened, and I just sat there with my eyes glued to the
stage.
"Look, Libra, look!"
The voice was mellow. It sounded almost like that of child
seeking affection.
"What…? Oh! A letter from Kris!"
The words sent a slight chill through me. I had no idea
what story Kikuchi-san was about to tell.
"I heard she's been very active since she began her
apprenticeship, and now she's taken over the workshop!"
"Wow, that's amazing! What great news."
I was still anxious.
The words and the way they were delivered suggested
some time had passed.
What was Kikuchi-san going for with this time jump? And
why hadn't she let me know? When she told me how the play
ended, why did she keep this part to herself?
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I had no idea.
"Let's read it."
"Okay."
I'm sure I was listening more closely than anyone else in
the gym.
My sense of uneasy premonition was ringing a warning
bell, telling me not to listen.
"Dear Libra and Alucia."
The stage was starting to swim in front of me, and I was
getting light-headed. I couldn't shake off the inexplicable
jitters.
Finally, a voice reached my ears that seemed to poke a
hole in the flood of thoughts that were dammed up in my
mind.
"Congratulations on your marriage!"
Alucia relayed what Kris had said—and those words sliced
through my expectations and hopes as abruptly as a
guillotine.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come to tell you in person. It's the
busiest season for weddings right now, and I just couldn't
get away. Since I have so many students, everything falls
apart when I'm gone."
Kris's words felt exactly like a response to something.
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"But when I think about it, I feel like the time I spent with
the two of you made me who I am today. I didn't know
anything, and I wanted to know everything. The time I spent
with you was so important—it taught me the world."
I wanted to press my hands over my ears as the words
struck my eardrums and turned my heart to ice.
"That's why I want you to have a small token of my
thanks! As a much sought-after flower artisan, I offer you
the most beautiful flower garlands in the world. Alucia, do
you remember? I promised I'd give you something I liked,
didn't I?"
I felt an irreplaceable something spilling from the wound
inside me.
"Libra. Alucia. I wish you all the happiness in the world!
Love, Kris."
Libra and Kris didn't end up together.
* * *
The play was over.
It must have been far better than the audience expected,
because the applause was thunderous. There was a curtain
call, the cast gave a simple bow, and then it was time for the
next show. Apparently, the brass band was going to perform.
A lot of people stuck around for that, but I didn't feel like
staying.
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I mean, that play?
"On the Wings of the Unknown"—that was Kikuchi-san's
story.
My own words and actions were clearly reflected in Libra,
while Kris reflected Kikuchi-san's own path, from the way
she lived to the way she thought.
And then there was what I'd said to Kikuchi-san a few
days earlier.
"After the play ends on the day of the festival—there's
something I want to talk to you about."
Her reaction had convinced me that she'd guessed my
intent, and what else could that invitation at that moment
have meant?
And knowing that—she'd added that ending.
I didn't even need to put it into words. The meaning was
obvious.
I wobbled out of the gym and through the breezeway to
get outside.
The cold of the late December wind was welcome on my
face, which was so hot that it was pulsing.
"…Huh," I mumbled to myself.
I'd met Hinami six months earlier and gradually
transformed myself. I'd built myself up little by little, not
only on the outside, but also inside, too.
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At first, fear and escapism had kept me from choosing
anyone.
And now, when I'd finally made a clear choice—
—that girl—was rejecting me.
Even my smallest breaths were white in the cold air,
giving vivid form to my shaken emotions.
But strangely enough, one of the emotions I felt at that
moment was satisfaction.
"Well…this is life."
Yes.
I knew that better than anyone. I mean, this game was so
freaking hard that even I, the supposed best gamer in Japan,
had almost given up on it.
I'd lost at it for sixteen years straight.
Granted, I'd changed over the past half year. You'd hardly
recognize me now.
But this game wasn't easy; a change like that wouldn't
guarantee that everything would go smoothly.
I had to conclude that life—
"It isn't a shitty game after all."
I couldn't leave it behind.
I mean, I knew one thing.
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This game was tough, and lots of times, it didn't go well.
Plenty of things seemed nonsensical, and other parts only
got harder the more you tried.
But still…I'd kind of gotten to like who I'd become. The
guy who wanted to get to know others, who managed to
connect with totally different people, who was pursued by
those I'd thought were beyond my reach.
This game was a masterpiece, filled with drama and
stories.
"…Guess I'll head home," I muttered and took a step.
The school festival was still going on, lively and happy.
I'm sure all kinds of love stories were playing out in there
without my knowing. Some people say normies should die in
a fire, but the way I felt right then, having taken a step
forward and fallen, I didn't even have the energy to wish for
that.
At the moment, I was just grateful for the cold, dry air
that cooled my racing thoughts.
"I've gotta rest a little… Then I'll be ready."
Ready to get back to the game. That's how much I'd come
to like it.
I took another step and looked ahead of me.
And—I got a shock.
Right there in front of me…was a girl I knew well.
"Tomozaki…"
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Her long, silky ponytail was blowing in the north wind.
She seemed to have trouble saying my name from her throat
as she gazed at me with sad, subdued eyes.
"…Mimimi."
I wasn't sure why, but I had a feeling that she knew
everything I was thinking and feeling.
That she accepted my sadness from the bottom of her
heart, and she understood it.
That was almost enough to make everything come spilling
out.
"About that play," she forced herself to say, keeping her
eyes locked on mine with some effort. "We know what it
means, don't we?"
So she got it.
"I thought she modeled the characters on everyone…
Libra was you, Alucia was Aoi for sure, and that means Kris
must be Kikuchi-san. I wanted to tell you how amazing I
thought it was. It was so good."
She'd figured it out.
It made sense, I guess. It might not be as clear to her as it
was to me, but those characters and that story—any decently
intelligent person could probably guess what they were
based on.
Mimimi was incredibly sharp at reading people and
seemed to have sensed something even before we parted
ways after our skit—and she liked me on top of that.
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Noticing the connection between me and Libra was
probably a piece of cake for her.
Given that she had feelings for me and understood me so
well, I'm sure she watched me more closely than anyone
else.
Which meant that quite probably, she'd realized that I
liked Kikuchi-san—and maybe even that I planned to tell her
I did.
Mimimi's eyes were filled with bigger tears than mine.
"But…then there was that scene at the end. And
afterward, the two of you seemed to almost be running away
from each other. I mean, that was weird. You worked so
hard together on the script, and it was such a huge success.
Why wouldn't the two of you be together now?"
"…Oh."
That's how she'd figured it out.
The obvious way Kikuchi-san and I had gotten close all of
a sudden. The amount of time we'd been spending together.
And then—the last scene of the play.
"Yeah, you're right."
I nodded.
"She said no."
I made myself smile so she wouldn't feel too sorry for me.
At the same time, I promised myself something.
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Mimimi knew me, worried about me, and came running
to my side.
But I couldn't let myself lean on her kindness.
I couldn't give in to momentary emotions and choose her.
But just then—
—she took a few steps forward and crossed a certain line.
She took my hand in her own and squeezed it hard. Her
fingers were cold.
My thoughts stopped. For a second, I didn't understand
what was happening.
All I knew was that Mimimi was less than half a meter
from me, squeezing my hand.
Her grip was obviously too strong, and she was staring
straight at me and only me.
She was too close; my emotions were turned up full blast.
There was nothing to stop me, and I felt like the electricity
in the air was about to sweep away all my lofty resolutions.
Finally, her eyes welling with tears…
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* * *
…she shouted:
"—The library!!"
Her eyes were serious, but they were also filled with the
acceptance of defeat, and tears.
I glimpsed weakness and uncertainty in the depths of the
gaze that pierced me.
"Kikuchi-san is in the library right now!! You can't just get
your answer from the play!! That's a horrible idea!!"
Still, Mimimi bit her lip, trying to survive the moment.
She pulled both my hands with her own, dragging me
toward the main school building.
"You hate losing, don't you, Brain?! And you're an all-star
gamer?! Well then, don't give up until the very end, until
you're knocked out or whatever!"
Her words were a punch to the head, far stronger than the
cold air.
A fat tear spilled from Mimimi's eye, traveled down her
cheek, and splashed onto the ground.
She wound up her right arm and hit me on the shoulder
with an almost desperate kind of strength.
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"Walk in there with your head held high!! You're a man,
aren't you?!"
Despite the cold wind, the place on my shoulder that she'd
touched was burning hot.
I took it all in—the pain, the cold, and her words.
One last time—I'd let her rescue my motivation.
"…Thanks. See you later."
She looked out for me more than I looked out for myself.
I made sure to meet her eyes as I spoke, and she grinned
brightly.
"Sure! Pay me back with dumplings!"
With her words pushing me forward, I jogged off toward
the library.
* * *
"…Tomozaki-kun?"
The last rays of the sun were filtering in through the
windows.
"…Yeah."
Instead of our usual greeting, our exchange felt out of
sync. The library was empty aside from Kikuchi-san, with
big piles of stuff here and there, probably left over from
festival preparations.
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The only light was a faint orange glow sifting through the
closed curtains, but the smell of books was the same as
always.
"…So," I said, sitting down across from her.
My mind was empty, and I was almost unable to think. At
the same time, there was a mountain of things I wanted to
say to her.
"Yes…?"
I was certain she knew.
She knew I understood what the play's ending meant.
If I'd come here to talk anyway…
"That last scene." Instead of hesitating, I dived right into
the heart of the matter. "That's the ending you chose."
She bit her lip uncomfortably. "…I'm sorry."
Her apology dug into my chest more sharply than any
other words could have.
"No…there's nothing to apologize about."
But she shook her head. Still biting her lip, she turned her
tear-filled eyes toward me. "That was the ending…I chose."
Her voice was tight—pained and earnest.
"Why…?" I started to ask, then stopped.
It was the wrong question. I shouldn't ask why she hadn't
accepted me.
The answer to that—could only be the same reason I
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hadn't accepted Mimimi's confession.
She hadn't had enough reasons or feelings to accept me.
That was all.
"Why…?"
I bit my lip out of frustration.
But still, even if it was pitiful or pointless…I couldn't give
up.
"Okay…maybe it's not the kind of thing I should ask,
but…!"
I knew this was incredibly uncool. Embarrassing. And
more than anything, weak.
"But I still want to know…!"
I didn't care what other people thought.
I mean, Kikuchi-san was the first girl I'd ever chosen of
my own free will.
"You want to know…why?" She looked down. Then, for
some reason, she smiled, slowly and a little self-mockingly.
"Well…this is how I feel."
Her words rang hollow, like she was weighing something
in a scale. I saw the same uncertainty she'd had before when
she was trying to choose a path.
"Maybe Kris likes Libra."
I swallowed.
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Kris likes Libra.
If the metaphor still held…
"But for Alucia, Libra is the only one."
Her expression was strong, full of determination.
I was sure she'd come to this conclusion after extensive
deliberation.
But I couldn't accept it.
"Wait…why is that true?"
What Kikuchi-san was saying right now…
"Alucia is good at everything, but there's nothing at her
core—she's hollow. And Libra is awkward and clumsy, but
he's curious—there are things he wants to do."
It was wrong.
It was based on everything from before.
"They're polar opposites—and so they make an ideal
couple."
Her powerful tone and the firm end to her explanation
made her sound as if she'd discovered perfect clarity.
But what she was saying—was based on the way she used
to think before.
The world's ideals. How things "should" be. What she
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"should" do as a result.
It was wrong. I'd told her before—I wanted her to forget
about ideals and try following her own desires.
She'd seemed convinced, stopped forcing herself to fit in,
and tried to find a place for herself on social media as an
"aspiring author."
I thought she'd freed herself from "ideals."
But what she said just now—
"Why…? Didn't you decide to try going after what you
want?"
Just like before, she was tied down.
She shook her head slowly. "I thought so for a little while.
I thought that was okay. But…it wasn't." She touched the
script sitting on the table. The pages in the second half
looked slightly wrinkled, like they'd been crumpled up at one
point.
"You convinced me at first. You said I didn't have to look
at life like an author—so I tried to examine my own feelings
and stop trying to create the best possible world." Kikuchisan spoke quietly, but like Kris, her words were full of life,
and they revealed her true feelings. "When I did—everything
looked so alive. It was really like when Kris saw everything
from dragonback and saw the brilliant color in a world she'd
once been indifferent to. I thought you were amazing."
"Well then…"
"But," she interrupted, "it wasn't right for me after all."
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Her long, slender fingers trembled with an uncertainty
I'm sure they'd never experienced when she was writing
stories.
"To live according to my emotions…is far too selfish in
terms of the story of this world, and of the feelings of those
characters. It's such a self-focused way of living. I can't help
feeling insincere when I live like that."
"Insincere…"
That was the very same abstract sensation that always
bothered me. When I didn't understand the logic, but I felt
something was wrong—it was always that nebulous but
deeply rooted and inalterable sensation.
Little by little, Kikuchi-san's voice took on a mixture of
hesitation and passion.
"But on the other hand…when I try to respect everyone's
feelings, and align my emotions and actions accordingly, I
can like and respect myself, too… I feel sincere. It's a
beautiful thing to me." She placed her hand on her chest and
clenched her ribbon. "When I do that, I'm being true and
kind not only to my own feelings, but to the world, too, and
the feelings of everyone else in it."
Gradually, her words were falling into place and becoming
more peaceful.
"So I decided to keep my author's perspective. To rein
myself in and to live in a way I can feel is sincere. That was
my conclusion."
With that, she very clearly communicated her verdict to
me.
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"That's…how I want to live my life."
She had finished speaking.
There was nothing else I could say. Unlike me, Kikuchisan felt that being true to ideals instead of emotions was a
better fit for her.
She was able to be more sincere as an author than as a
character.
"—But still!"
Her voice, more emotional than I'd ever heard it before,
burst from her throat and seemed to shake every book in the
library.
"…I can't forget it."
Tears spilled from her eyes. The white hands I loved
formed small fists on top of the script that I also loved.
"That beautiful scene…that brilliant world… I can't forget
the other ending."
A tear rolled down her cheek, fell onto the first page of the
script, and blurred the title.
"I know it's wrong, but…I want it both ways…!"
The tears wouldn't stop falling from her eyes now.
"Even though it's completely selfish!"
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Her overflowing emotions hit me like a waterfall.
She was divided—truly divided in her core—and it was
tearing her apart.
To live with sincerity, she had to abandon her self and
obey the world's ideals.
But when she tried turning her back on those ideals and
living selfishly…she glimpsed something magical and
unforgettable.
And now she was satisfied with neither selfless sincerity
nor pure selfishness.
She was in an impossible situation, incredibly complex
and inflamed.
The two roots of her heart were entangled, and the more
she struggled, the more of herself was torn away until she
had lost so much, she could hardly stand.
This fundamental contradiction in values was hollowing
out her heart and keeping her in chains.
—But.
At the same time.
Like pure spring water seeping into cracked earth…I
found myself understanding with surprising ease all the
contradictions she faced.
And right away, I knew the reason, too.
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After all—it was the same.
"Kikuchi-san."
That time during summer break came back to me. Back at
the café. The time she taught me something that had become
more important to me than anything else.
I thought about that day as I slowly told her my thoughts.
"Do you remember?"
She looked at me without wiping her eyes.
"Until…until about six months ago, I ignored everything
outside of myself. I had no interest in ideals. I put what I
wanted before everything else and lived in total freedom."
Kikuchi-san was still crying as she waited for me to go on.
"But—then I met a certain magician. The magician told
me I had it wrong and taught me how to get closer to the
'ideal.'"
"…You…did say something like that."
I'd talked to her about my experience before.
She wiped her tears and sniffled a few times.
"After that, I fought toward that ideal as hard as I could. I
was getting good results, and I felt my work was paying off…
But in the middle of it, something still felt wrong."
That's why I did what I did that day. Without dressing up
at all, without putting anything in my hair, I went to meet
Kikuchi-san.
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I thought that was the real me, unburdened by "skills" and
"ideals."
"For me, getting by on the skills I'd learned was insincere.
Being true to my feelings was being true to myself."
I spoke my next words slowly—and I told Kikuchi-san the
answer, the meaning, the reason.
"Doesn't that remind you of something?"
She stopped breathing, her eyes round.
I nodded before continuing:
"I'm the opposite of you."
—Yes.
"I started with pure emotions and learned to aim for an
ideal. You started in the world of ideals and learned to be
true to your feelings."
It was almost funny how similar the logic was, and how
opposite the route.
"But I started thinking ideals were insincere, and you
started thinking emotions were insincere."
In which case…there was something only I could tell her
in this situation.
"Kikuchi-san. Do you know what I did then?"
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This girl in front of me, who I cared so much about—she
wasn't a fairy or an angel or an elf.
Those were only cloaks I used to hide my own feelings.
She was just a girl sincere enough to struggle this deeply
over how she wanted to live. I wanted to tell her about the
choice I'd made. I wanted to tell her what was in the very
center of my heart.
I wanted to say it exactly as the thoughts came to me.
"Both."
It was a simple word.
"All I had to do was work to have both at the same time.
Desires and skills. Ideals and emotions."
Maybe those things sound like contradictions in reality.
But if they're both important to you?
Then they can coexist, even if it does take a little work.
And the person who taught me that—
"You're the same."
Little by little, I could tell she was searching for
something, holding on to something.
"I am…?"
I looked straight into her black eyes and nodded.
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"I decided to think about which skills I could use to
achieve the things I wanted. So—"
I gave her back the exact same lesson she'd given me.
"—you can think about how to get what you want without
abandoning your ideals. That's all you need to do."
I confidently affirmed every part of her, just as she'd done
for me.
"You don't have to choose one or the other. You can put
your all into having both."
I smiled. "Simple, right?"
But Kikuchi-san's eyes darted around; she seemed lost
between her feelings and words.
Her eyes, with their fragile, unsteady gaze, were still wet
and shining.
"But…I don't know how to do that," she said, rejecting
herself again. "Libra should be with Alucia. That's how the
story should go. I can't twist that plot for the sake of my own
emotions… Isn't that selfish? Isn't it egotistical?"
"Well…"
Essentially, she was worried about the world's ideals. The
consistency of the story. The feelings of other people.
According to the world's ideals as she saw them, Libra…
No. No more smoke and mirrors.
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According to the world's ideals as she saw them—she and
I shouldn't be together.
I'd already decided to stop pretending I couldn't see it
when other people liked me.
So there was one other thing in this current conversation I
was determined not to ignore.
Kikuchi-san liked me.
In which case—
—I had to take these two completely contradictory things
—the ideal that said we shouldn't be together, and the
personal feelings that said she liked me—and make them
coexist.
Nothing more than that.
"Okay, I understand."
Maybe she was right that in the fictional story of "On the
Wings of the Unknown," where Kris, Libra, and Alucia lived,
doing that would be slightly difficult.
But here in the real world—it was easy.
"Kikuchi-san. There's one failproof way to do it."
I wanted to reassure her, to satisfy her, and to get what I
wanted.
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"…What's that?"
I used one of my "skills"—a tone full of confidence.
And I answered her.
"I like you. I'd like to go out with you."
She widened her eyes.
I gave her a broad smile, full of strength.
It was that simple.
This idea she had of how things should be? This ideal that
Libra and Alucia should be together? If it was wrong for
Kikuchi-san to subvert that based solely on her own
feelings…
Well then, Kris shouldn't do it, and Kikuchi-san shouldn't
do it.
Fumiya Tomozaki should choose Kikuchi-san.
Just to be doubly sure—just to add a "special reason" to
our "story"—I said one more thing.
"And I told you before, right?"
"What?"
I ran my hand over the tearstained script. "Well, you said
Libra and Alucia each have what the other one is missing, so
they have to be together."
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This time, I wasn't just taking her hand.
This time, I was joining her heart and my heart together.
I took the fair, delicate hand of this great author who had
spun the story I loved so much, and I gently squeezed it.
"Don't you think the same is true for Libra and Kris, too?"
Caught between desires and skills.
Lost between emotions and ideals.
These two things might be described in different words—
but the core was the same.
"I mean, the end point is the same, but the path to get
there is opposite… They're inverses."
It was a very peculiar relationship.
"You and I, we've been struggling in exactly the opposite
order."
It was like a story that was too good to be true.
"But we helped each other solve our problems. We gave
each other the words we needed to find our way forward."
We'd started in completely different places, with
specialties that only existed where we were.
But by giving each other the crucial thing we lacked—we'd
learned to use both in balance.
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No matter how you thought about it…
"Even from an author's perspective on the story of life,
don't you think this relationship is pretty ideal, too?"
The air of her garden carried the words to her—or maybe
it was the warmth of our hands that transmitted them.
Either way, I could tell they'd reached the door of her
heart.
After a long time, tears spilled once more from her eyes—
though I was sure that this time, they meant something
different.
She nodded, broke into a huge smile, and answered:
"I always knew Libra was good at opening locks."
She was right. After all, Poppol had said it, too.
Words are magic.