On Friday, I joined rehearsal for the first time in three
days.
Something felt off.
It's hard for me to pin down what it was. The mood of the
rehearsal itself, and everyone's behavior… It was like they
were gradually slipping out of place.
But the strangest thing there was how Kikuchi-san was
acting.
It wasn't that she was depressed or unable to
communicate with the cast. Far from it—she was giving it
her all.
She was interacting with our classmates more than ever
before, talking to them despite her awkwardness, making
sure to stay engaged and open.
I'm sure she was doing it so I'd be able to practice the
comedy skit with Mimimi, and so she could become more
like her "ideal." I knew she was trying hard.
But something about it seemed wrong.
"…Hey, Mizusawa?"
"Yeah?"
I asked him what rehearsals had been like for the past
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three days, and he told me.
"Well, Kikuchi-san has been making a huge effort to talk
to everyone."
"She has?"
He nodded. "You know how you were directing the other
day? It's like she's been trying to copy that."
"…Uh-huh."
"Okay, I feel bad saying this, but she's not exactly used to
this stuff, right?"
"Yeah…I guess not."
Of course, that was probably the exact reason she wanted
to change.
"It's like we're running around in circles. The group is
kinda falling apart. And Aoi hasn't been able to come
recently, either."
"Oh…"
"But if I jump in, I might hurt Kikuchi-san's feelings,
right? I don't wanna just kick her aside when she's trying so
hard, so I've been hanging back and trying to support her
where I can. Plus, I've got a main role, so I've gotta be in the
rehearsal myself."
"…Yeah. Thanks."
"Ha-ha-ha. Why are you thanking me? Are you her dad or
something?" Mizusawa laughed.
But now I had a handle on what was happening. Kikuchi-
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san had been attempting to cheerfully direct the rehearsals
and bring everyone together.
I wanted to stand by her effort—but that still didn't
alleviate that strange feeling I had.
Was it coming from the fact that Kikuchi-san was acting
so different from usual? Or…
"Um…"
Suddenly, Kikuchi-san walked over to us.
"What's up?" Mizusawa replied, a bit too easygoing and
friendly for my taste.
Hey, that's what I was gonna say. Could you dial it back
a little, buddy? Well, as long as it's not Tachibana, I guess.
Kikuchi-san bowed politely to Mizusawa, then looked to
me, seemingly unsure what to say. Did she want to talk to
me about something?
"Anyway, talk to you later," Mizusawa said abruptly, then
walked over to a group of guys standing toward the front of
the classroom. He must have guessed something was up.
Kikuchi-san looked up at me again. "I've been…trying my
best these past few days."
"…Yeah?"
There was something a little frazzled in her eyes. "…Do
you think I've changed a little?"
I didn't know what to say—but she was pursuing her own
"ideal," as she'd put it.
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Her expression was completely innocent, her eyes focused
ahead. She didn't seem to be lying to herself.
In which case…I decided to agree with her. "Yeah. Just by
doing it…I think you've changed."
"Have I? Really? …I'm glad then."
Her happy reaction comforted me slightly, although she
still seemed drained.
Still, she was determined to keep moving forward.
* * *
It was the following Monday morning—five days until the
school festival.
"Tomozaki-kun?"
Lately, Kikuchi-san had been coming to talk to me before
morning homeroom fairly regularly.
"Morning."
"Good morning."
First, our greeting.
When I saw what was in her hand, I could guess what she
wanted to talk about.
Without missing a beat, I asked her about it. "Did you…
finish it?"
She nodded happily. "Yes. It took me longer than I'd
hoped…but the script is done."
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"Awesome!" I blurted out.
She'd been so unsure about the conclusion, and now it
was finally finished. The journey to this moment felt long
and short at the same time, but right now, I only wanted to
read the ending.
I just like Kikuchi-san's stories, y'know?
"Can I read it?"
She smiled kindly and handed me the paper bag.
"Yes…of course you can!"
I used the breaks between classes and lunchtime that day to
read the script.
After a while, I started feeling strange.
The story was moving in a different direction than I'd
expected.
Libra and Kris have just taken their flight on the dragon.
After seeing the beauty and breadth of the world from the
sky, Kris desperately wants to venture out.
Sensing her desire, Libra invites her to leave the castle.
Now that the dragon can fly, they no longer needed to worry
about impurities. No one had ever heard of a dragon
learning to fly and then losing that ability. Libra thinks he
can use his lockpicking skills to get out of the castle with Kris
and explore.
Presented with exactly the offer she'd wished for, Kris
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readily agrees. Her heart leaps at the thought of being inside
those beautiful scenes she'd seen from dragonback.
But once she's outside, she finds that the scene before her
is not at all what she'd imagined.
"Libra? Why is that child dressed so poorly for the cold?"
"Um…I can't say it out loud. Come closer."
"Huh?"
"…She's poor."
"Oh…"
"This world is still very unequal. Some people live
happily…but not everyone."
"Oh…I see."
"Reality isn't always as pretty as a fairy tale… The world is
full of all kinds of stories."
"…I understand."
Fairy tales and secret gardens were the only things that
Kris knew.
And that incident isn't Kris's only baptism by fire that day.
As she walks around the town with Libra, they move away
from the castle, through the residential neighborhoods, and
into the market district, where it's a chaotic mass of people,
people, people.
"Ouch!"
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"Whaddaya doin', sweetheart? Watch where you're goin'!"
"Oh, um…I'm sorry."
"Where's yer manners? Say 'yessir'!"
"Y-yessir…"
People berate her as she tries to walk down the street,
which is about all she can manage.
In a sense, this is another unfamiliar scene for the
sheltered girl.
"K-Kris, are you okay?"
"Y-yeah, uh, I mean, yessir."
"Ha-ha-ha. Kris, 'yeah' is fine."
"Oh, it is? Uh…okay…I guess."
"…Kris?"
The rest of the day is full of new experiences for her.
At the produce stand in the market district, she makes the
owner mad because she doesn't know how to shop.
When Libra bumps into a friend and the friend tries to
talk to her, she can't find the words to answer the stranger.
At the end of a long day of walking, she twists her ankle as
they head home, and Libra has to carry her on his back all
the way to the castle.
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Needless to say, sneaking back in unnoticed is impossible,
and the guards catch them. Afterward, they get a long
lecture from the castle staff.
As Kris watches Libra apologize to the minister, she
thinks about what happened.
He opened the garden door and took her outside, for her.
He came to her rescue when people yelled at her and when
she fell down.
Now she'd gone and caused him even more trouble.
She hates her own weakness—but finally, she realizes
something.
That garden she's spent her life in, that place where she
was locked away, where she'd dreamed of escaping.
As long as she stays there, she gets clean clothes, delicious
food, and regular visits from her dear friends. And she
doesn't even have to lift a finger.
Maybe that garden is the most convenient place for her to
be.
"Libra? I think…I've kind of been getting a free ride,
haven't I?"
"What do you mean?"
"I haven't had to work at all to have a good life…and I've
stayed here, cut off from everything. This garden is so big,
but it's so small."
"…I don't think that's true."
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"No, I realized something."
"You did?"
"When you look at the outside world from far away, it's as
beautiful as magic fireworks…but if you really want to be
part of it, you've got to work hard."
"…Kris."
"Libra, I'm going to try."
From that day on, she slowly begins to change.
She tells herself she has to be the one to break through the
life of ease she's lived so far.
Slowly, she learns the wisdom of the outside world,
studies various skills, and waits for an opportunity. She
changes her way of thinking, learning things she couldn't do
before, and gains confidence.
Sometimes, with advice from Libra and Alucia, she
gradually acquires the skills she needs to live outside.
Then one day, she disappears from the castle without a
word to either of them. Maybe she didn't want to cause them
more trouble. No one at the castle expected this, but from
the perspective of the state, she had finished raising the
dragon and had nothing more to offer. She probably would
have been given the same task when the chance arose to
raise another flying dragon, but no such plan exists yet. No
elaborate search party is sent out, and her escape is
implicitly accepted.
She heads for town. Using all the knowledge and skills
she's gained, with plenty of mistakes along the way, she tries
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to forge ahead independently in the world.
Several weeks pass, and she finds an opportunity in the
market district. The owner of the produce stand, who
scolded her before, now accepts her as an apprentice.
She sends word to Libra and Alucia and receives their
congratulations on the start of her new life.
Her hard work pays off as she begins to save money from
her job, having found a way to live independently—and
that's where the story stops.
I finished reading the script, bewildered.
"Hmm…"
So that's what happened, I thought. The story undercut
my expectations in a realistic way, like a dark Andi story.
But after I was finished, I didn't feel satisfied at all.
It was similar to how I felt as I watched Kikuchi-san try to
force herself to blend in with everyone—sad and lonely. As if
everything Kris had built in her life had been for nothing.
* * *
During break before we switched classrooms, I went to
the library and asked her about it straight-out.
"Kikuchi-san?"
"Oh…Tomozaki-kun."
She turned toward me nervously. She probably guessed
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what I wanted to talk about.
"I read it."
"Oh, thank you so much."
She bowed her head, then took up a listening posture,
silently preparing herself for my comments.
"Um…I wanted to ask you something."
"Y-yes?"
I asked her point-blank. "Why did Kris…end up like that?"
I realized how sad that came out, so I tried to cover it up by
smiling. "Um, it just bothered me a little," I added.
She regarded me solemnly. "…What do you mean, 'end up
like that'?" Her eyes swam. Was she surprised, or sad, or
uncertain? Anxious, definitely.
"Kris left the garden and her two friends…and went to live
alone in town, right?"
"Yes…"
"I know you must have put a lot of thought into it…but
when I read that part, it made me kinda sad."
She listened in silence.
"Like her whole life in the garden was almost being
erased…and that's why I wanted to ask you why."
She was quiet for a moment, organizing her thoughts.
"Well…" Finally, she answered, an earnest expression on her
face. "One of my favorite Andi books…is Poppol and Raptor
Island."
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"Poppol… Oh yeah, I know the title."
The first time I talked to Kikuchi-san in the library, when
we had the misunderstanding about Andi's books that ended
up creating a connection, I remember her saying, "It's just
like Poppol and Raptor Island, isn't it?!"
I hadn't read that book since most bookstores didn't even
have it, but I knew it was important to Kikuchi-san.
"It's a very positive story." She started outlining the plot
for me. "Poppol is a different kind of creature from everyone
else, but he doesn't know what exactly he is…"
He was blind and a foundling. That was why he didn't
know what he was. After his parents were killed, he was all
alone in the world. That was when he left on a solo journey
in search of companions.
"At first, all the other creatures fear him—they say he's
strange and grotesque. But with the power of language, he
can gradually create relationships. Over time, he makes
friends."
Having created a cross-species band of companions, he
set out to see the ocean.
"Hmm… Sounds like an Andi story."
With its blend of fantasy, loneliness, and warmth, it did
strike me as classic Andi.
"When I read it—and for a long time afterward, really—I
thought Poppol represented an ideal for the world."
"An ideal?"
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She'd used that same word when she told me about her
decision to change herself.
"He doesn't even know what kind of creature he is…but he
makes friends with all kinds of other species. He uses the
simple power of language and a little effort to overcome
those boundaries."
"…Uh-huh." I was slowly starting to understand Kikuchisan's point.
"It's kind of like you two…"
"You mean…?"
"Yes. You and Hanabi-chan."
He doesn't fit in with everyone else but uses the power of
language and effort to overcome boundaries and make
friends.
That definitely did sound similar to Tama-chan, who
Kikuchi-san had described as "ideal" several times, and to
my own path, too.
"Plus," Kikuchi-san continued, "readers don't know what
kind of creature Poppol is until the very end."
"Really?"
They know he's strange and feared, but they don't know
exactly what he is even though he's the main character,
which makes for a fairly unusual story.
"Yes. That's why I think Poppol represents the ideal for
that world. His species isn't revealed—but the other side of
that is he's able to become friends with everyone no matter
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what they are—don't you agree?"
"Ah…I get what you're saying."
Her perspective was surprisingly convincing.
The species of the main character is concealed, and he's
only described as abnormal. That makes him a wild card—
anyone could be him—and that's probably why the messages
he leaves with the readers last so long. Including the one
that you can make friends with anyone with language and a
little work.
"That's why I like Poppol so much, and why I think he
represents an example to follow in the story and in the
world…and why I felt I had to become like Poppol myself.
But then I gave up. I didn't think it was possible for me."
"…Uh-huh."
She smiled at me. "But then I saw you and Hanabi-chan.
You were both so brilliant, such ideal people…and I thought
maybe I could become like you."
"That's why you decided to go for your ideal?"
She nodded. "I feel like this is my chance to become a
Poppol." Her eyes were full of both determination and
anxiety.
The story was important to her, and she saw in it what she
wanted to be. She'd thought she couldn't achieve that, but
then she saw two members of her own "species" who'd
worked and overcome the obstacles.
Essentially, she saw the shadow of Poppol in the changes
Tama-chan and I went through.
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That's why she wanted to change, too—she wanted to
seize her chance.
"And Kris is the same. Like Poppol, she changes herself to
fit in. After all, that's how we should be."
"…Huh." I thought about it.
Kris's character had a powerful link to Kikuchi-san
herself.
"I was struggling with who would end up in a relationship
with Libra. But in reality, the story is about how Kris wants
to live her life."
"Yeah… I get you."
Kikuchi-san's words gave me a glimpse into the thoughts
and experiences she'd had in the past, but I still only had a
superficial understanding of them. I wasn't in any position
to give my random opinions. As always, she spoke quietly
but convincingly, leaving no room for counterattack.
That's why I felt like my only choice was to back her up as
she worked toward her goal.
"…But listen…" I took one step, or maybe half a step, into
the topic. "What if that was just…a pause in the new section
of the play?"
"…A pause?"
I didn't intend to block the path she'd chosen, not at all. I
wanted to help her follow it, like I was helping her with the
script.
But all the same, the ending didn't sit right with me.
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"Just give yourself a little time to think about it. If you
decide it has to be this way, that's fine. I know we hardly
have any time left…but I just feel like it's too sad."
She pondered that for a moment. "…All right, I will," she
replied earnestly.
I wasn't sure what she was thinking at that moment, but I
did know that I would have regretted keeping that thought
to myself.
* * *
After school that day, Kikuchi-san was once again leading
the rehearsal.
Like the week before, she was trying her best to be actively
involved with the cast and as cheerful as possible.
Hinami was there for a change, so the focus was on doing
a run-through without understudies. When that ended,
everyone asked Kikuchi-san what she thought and talked
about anything that came up.
She was in a fairly important and mentally demanding
position, but she was getting better at communicating with
everyone. Maybe she was settling into the role.
I didn't know what goals she'd set for herself or what work
she was putting in, but she'd already changed so much that
she'd met one of my own very first goals: other people
noticing her growth.
"Kikuchi, so about this line…," Erika Konno said, giving
her opinion.
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"That's a great idea! Let's do that." When Kikuchi-san
answered, her voice was slightly higher than usual and very
approachable. Just seeing these two talking to each other
was totally weird, but Kikuchi-san was on such a different
wavelength that you could practically call this an alternate
universe.
Incidentally, the change that Konno proposed had to do
with making a relatively formal line a bit more
conversational. I could tell she was only asking so that it
would be easier for her to say, but surprisingly, the change
actually did make the line sound better. Guess that's the
power of girls like her.
By and large, Kikuchi-san and Hinami were guiding the
flow of the conversation.
"Okay. I'll check with Kikuchi-san, so why doesn't
everyone else get started on rehearsing the rest?" Hinami's
instructions to the group were unpretentious and efficient.
Maybe because Kikuchi-san was here with this "ideal" (in
a sense) school heroine, she seemed to be copying Hinami's
approach more than a little.
"That sounds good! Please get started, everyone!"
But the truth was, Kikuchi-san somehow seemed to be
running in circles.
I couldn't help wondering if her whole plan to change was
a good idea in the first place.
"…Shit's getting weird, huh?"
"Geez!"
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I jumped at the cool voice next to my ear. When I turned
around, there was Mizusawa. He was leaning against the
wall right next to me, aloofly surveying the classroom.
"Ha-ha-ha. A little jumpy, are we?"
"Don't sneak up on me like that!"
This guy's movements are so natural, he's always right in
my face before I even notice he's there. Is that how you
approach girls, too, Mizusawa?
He laughed off my complaint, then focused back on
Kikuchi-san. Only his mouth was smiling now.
"So what happened?"
"…With Kikuchi-san?"
He seemed impressed and glanced my way. "You're
getting pretty good with nonverbal cues, Fumiya."
"Huh?" I said.
Mizusawa kept observing me with the same expression. "I
mean, I didn't say who I was talking about right now, but
you noticed I was looking at her. You didn't start paying
attention until really recently."
"Oh…"
He could be right. I feel like I do the same thing when I'm
with Kikuchi-san and Mimimi, too. Another sign of growth?
"Anyway, back to Kikuchi-san," he said, smoothly
returning to the point.
"Oh right."
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"Why's she acting like that?" He turned his attention to
her again, and I did the same.
Only I knew the truth behind her recent changes, but I
wasn't sure how much I should tell him. I decided to start
with something vague.
"Apparently, she's been thinking about some things."
"Hmm. 'Some things,' huh?"
His voice was flat, but he was casually probing. Wish he'd
stop that, because I could see myself accidentally telling him
what he wanted. I thought for a minute and eventually
decided that as long as I kept it abstract and didn't give away
the specifics of her thought process, I should be okay. After
all, this was Mizusawa, not Tachibana.
"…She felt like she had to match an ideal."
"An ideal?" he pressed.
"So she fits in better and makes more friends. And that'll
bring her more in line with an ideal for the world…"
I sidestepped any concrete details.
Mizusawa pursed his lips disinterestedly. "The world's
ideals, huh…" He laced his fingers behind his head. "Well, if
that's what she says, then who am I to object? Still…"
He brought his hands down and slapped them on his
thighs. He was watching Kikuchi-san with a vaguely jaded
expression, seemingly unconvinced by my explanation.
"…What do you think about it all, Mizusawa?" Something
was clearly bothering him, so I might as well ask.
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He answered calmly. "Oh, I think it's a good thing. It takes
a lot to make up your mind to change and then to actually do
it. Not everyone can pull that off."
"Yeah…"
I knew that much from experience. If you're already
content where you are, it's really hard to throw it away and
set out toward something new. But Mizusawa's comment
was somewhat detached. "And on top of that, she's doing it
to become an ideal person? All the more impressive," he said
flatly.
I didn't get his point. "What's so impressive about
shooting for an ideal?"
He raised his eyebrows, apparently surprised I didn't get
it.
When he answered, he sounded like he was stating the
obvious.
"I mean, what she's doing—is the opposite of you, right?"
He was trying to illuminate whatever I was missing, but I
was still not following.
After all, Kikuchi-san had combined her observations of
the changes in me and Tama-chan with the "ideal" she'd
sensed in Poppol, and she was trying to change herself in the
same way.
I could understand if he'd said she was doing the same
thing as me—but the opposite?
"Um, in terms of the direction she's going in, I feel like it's
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actually the same," I said.
Mizusawa frowned. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about? It's obvious, isn't it? She's
putting in the effort to change so she fits in better…just like
Tama-chan and I did."
Once I'd gotten that specific, Mizusawa finally got it. "Oh,
that's what you mean! Ah, okay. So that's how it looks to
you!"
"Wh-what's that supposed to mean?"
"Everything makes sense now!"
"Wh-what does?"
He was obviously stringing me along, but I had to take the
bait. I hated myself for doing it, but I needed him to
enlighten me.
Maybe because he wasn't sure how to explain his point, he
stared at the floor for a minute before answering:
"You know, when we went on the overnight…do you
remember the conversation I had with Aoi?"
Suddenly, he pierced me with a serious look. The way he
switched between fastballs and slow pitches always caught
me off guard.
"Of course I remember." Yeah, that conversation—about
masks and reality, performances and true feelings.
A player's perspective versus a character's perspective.
The two of them lived in a world of masks, and Mizusawa
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wanted to take his off. But Hinami wouldn't even admit that
she had one on; she maintained her stance as a player
manipulating the character "Aoi Hinami" until the end.
Overhearing that conversation had confirmed my
discomfort with her approach, and afterward, I found my
own hybrid playstyle that combined her skills with my goals.
But how was that related to Kikuchi-san?
"I mean, think about what Kikuchi-san said."
Mizusawa stuck his pointer finger in the air. "She wants
the world's ideals."
"Oh…"
"Not her own. Right?"
I was starting to get his point now.
He pushed me toward understanding the rest of it with
his next casual comment.
"Essentially, when you changed, it was because you were
heading toward what you wanted. You saw your ideals from
a place rooted on the ground. But she's heading toward how
the world says she should be. She sees her ideals from a
bird's-eye view, right?"
The character's perspective and the player's perspective—
ground-level and bird's-eye.
The pieces were slowly falling into place in my mind.
At the root, we were talking about motivation.
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I'd become Hinami's student and had transformed to
enjoy the game of life.
Tama-chan had learned to fight from me and made her
transformation in order to prevent Mimimi from being sad.
So what was driving Kikuchi-san?
A desire to get closer to the world's ideal.
Essentially, she wasn't motivated by what she wanted to
be from a subjective, character's perspective; she was
motivated by what she thought she should be from a bird'seye-view, player's perspective.
That hazy, off feeling I'd been getting? This was it.
"…Oh, so that's what's going on!" I blurted out excitedly.
Mizusawa smiled wryly. "Ha-ha-ha. It's not really worth
getting that worked up over, is it?"
Maybe not for him, but for me, this was a revelation.
"Actually, I think this is really big. Thanks."
Mizusawa nodded sincerely, then laughed a little
regretfully. "But I guess you wouldn't realize it on your own,
would you?"
"Huh?"
His words didn't seem to match his expression.
"I mean, you take your perspective for granted, don't
you?"
"My perspective—? Oh." I didn't even have to finish the
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question.
That conversation he and Hinami had on that trip.
Mizusawa was struggling to free himself from a player's
perspective, one where he was "not really playing" but
instead just "going through the motions" and watching
himself "from a distance." What he wanted was a character's
perspective.
In other words, he had a kind of complex about the
perspective he was trapped in—and that was why he put so
much value on who had which worldview. He couldn't help
paying attention to it, even if he didn't want to.
That's why he'd sussed out Kikuchi-san so quickly.
Meanwhile, I took my character's perspective for granted,
which meant I wasn't paying as much attention. As a result,
I hadn't noticed the problem with Kikuchi-san's approach.
You could even say that for Mizusawa, who had trouble
adopting the character's perspective, my own viewpoint was
a sort of model.
As I waffled over how to put all that into words, he
chuckled good-naturedly at me. "Yeah. I'm one of those
people who wants to come over to your side."
In a sense, he was revealing a weakness, but his smile was
bold and full of confidence. I think that's the kind of thing
that shows his real strength.
A different kind of strength than Hinami's.
"…Huh, yeah," I agreed, as sincerely as possible.
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"Ha-ha-ha. Glad you're following."
This time, his smile was pure confidence, zero weakness,
like he was making sure I knew that he was still strong in his
own way. Impressive, right?
* * *
"…You're right."
Rehearsal was over, and I was in the cafeteria with
Kikuchi-san. When I told her what I'd realized after talking
to Mizusawa, she accepted it quickly.
The player's perspective and the character's perspective.
In a sense—she was the same as Hinami.
"I do think I see the world from what you'd call a 'player's
perspective.'"
"Huh…" But now I didn't know what to do next.
Should I encourage her to leave that perspective behind?
Or should I respect her own choice?
As nanashi, I'd always thought it was best to play games
from the character's perspective. I'd been very successful
and, most importantly, had more fun.
But did the same apply to everyone else? Was this just my
own playstyle? I didn't know.
As I ran around and around in circles, Kikuchi-san
dropped her own words into the vacuum to give me an
answer.
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"When I heard you explain, I thought…"
"Yeah?" I asked, switching to listening mode.
"…unlike you, I see the world…from an author's
perspective."
"An author…? Like, of a play or a novel?"
She shook her head slowly. "Well, like that, too…but more
like I'm writing the story of our world."
"A story of our world?"
She nodded. "I've been like that for a long time. I don't
ask myself what I want to do; I ask which action will make
the world more beautiful and bring it closer to how it ought
to be. What is the ideal form? I've always thought like an
author. It really is like…life is a novel to me."
Her whole worldview was summed up in those words.
Up till now, I really did think she'd seen life from that
perspective.
Even when she wasn't involved in class events, she
observed them more serenely than anyone else, thought
about what should be done, and expressed her thoughts
clearly. She was far more objective than me, and her way of
thinking about the "ideal" for any given situation had saved
me multiple times. Her writer's eye was probably the reason.
"And I think I'm fine just like this."
"With a player's perspective?"
She smiled gently and shook her head. "Those are your
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words."
Stroking the cover of an Andi book lying on the table, she
continued:
"In the world of games, the opposite of a character might
be a player. But in the world of novels, I think the opposite
of a character is an author."
She smiled again and placed her palm on her chest.
"I'm satisfied like this. I want an author's perspective
forever."
Her words flowed into my ears like water, washing away
my doubts.
"…Oh, okay."
I finally understood.
It wasn't even our playstyles that were different—after all,
that was based on games.
What was different was the premise beneath that premise.
I was playing the game of life as a player.
Kikuchi-san was writing the story of life as an author.
She was the only one who could choose the right path for
herself.
"I think what's important to me are the 'ideals of the
world'…although I was a little surprised to hear you say that
means I'm like Hinami."
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"…Yeah."
Something in her words tugged at me, but I nodded
anyway, and she smiled wryly.
"But…when I think about it, it could be natural."
"Natural?" She nodded—to herself, I think.
"I'm certain that Hinami is also working toward a vision
of how she ought to be. That's why she's always able to
maintain an ideal form…and I want to attain an ideal form,
too, just like her."
"An ideal form just like Hinami…huh."
Her words had a certain deeper meaning to them.
She smiled again and answered in a confident tone.
"Yes. After all, Hinami is a very ideal person, isn't she?"
* * *
That night, I was sitting in my room at my desk, thinking.
About what I'd realized thanks to Mizusawa, and what
Kikuchi-san had said.
Over and over, I broke the ideas down abstractly and put
them back together concretely. I replayed what Kikuchi-san
had said again and again in my mind.
It did make sense. It was calm, rational, and clearly well
thought-out. I had to respect that; I couldn't shoot her down
without giving it some serious thought myself.
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But I also felt like something was lacking.
Maybe it was a misunderstanding. After all, Kikuchi-san's
ideas were more than adequate. The progression of her logic
seemed sound, too.
But if there was a weak spot…
"She's…the same as me."
She was.
I'd been thinking about what dating meant to me.
I'd thought about it so much that most people would have
gotten tired of it by this point. I'd piled theory upon theory,
and I was fairly sure there weren't any major holes in my
logic.
What I was lacking was actual experience.
I was certain that Kikuchi-san was like me in that way—
she lacked experience, so she thought things through in her
mind instead.
As for our differences—she probably used her cool
observations and skill as an "author" to arrive at what
seemed to be the correct answer.
Those answers guided her actions, and in a sense, they
were the chains that bound her.
What should I say to a person like that? Did I even need to
say any more? And if I did, what new possibilities should I
show her?
She was similar to me and Tama-chan in that we all
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wanted to change ourselves through effort, but as she'd said
herself, when it came to her motivation—her view as an
author striving toward an ideal—she was actually the same
as Hinami.
Of course, I couldn't reject the player's or author's
perspectives without listening to their arguments. But I did
know that they weren't factoring in their own desires—only
norm-based ideas about what "should be."
If she pursued that principle, she wouldn't end up like me
or Tama-chan.
She'd end up as a literal "ideal woman."
As a "perfect heroine" like Hinami.
Ultimately, was that the best path for her?
If not, which one should she take?
No matter how much I thought about the future, I could
only come up with vague answers. What was she thinking?
What could she see? What did she want? If I didn't know, I
couldn't choose a path for her. Barging into her brain and
forcing my own conclusions and decisions on her was
obviously wrong.
"Huh?"
…Barging into her brain?
"Aha!" I realized something extremely simple—there was
a way in!
What was going on in her mind was recorded, albeit in an
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abstract way.
I quickly pawed through my school bag and pulled out my
hint from a clear plastic file.
I set the bundle of a dozen or so sheets of paper on my
desk.
Exactly.
The script for "On the Wings of the Unknown."
"Maybe this is it…"
This was no simple story. It was the story of Kikuchi-san
herself.
Now that I knew a portion of her thoughts…a second read
might tell me more.
At the same time, I realized I had another clue.
I searched for what I was thinking of online.
"…Ooh, there it is!"
An e-book version of the Andi book Kikuchi-san had
mentioned, Poppol and Raptor Island.
She'd said most bookstores didn't carry it, but those kinds
of books were the ones you tended to stumble across in
digital form.
I downloaded it right away and added it to my library.
Then I went to the kitchen, got myself some tea and
snacks, and sat back down at my desk. I was going to spend
the night with Kikuchi-san's script and Andi's book.
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"Here goes!"
As excited as an elementary school kid about to stay up all
night, I opened up Poppol and Raptor Island on my phone.
It was warmhearted and realistic. Friends didn't just fall
into Poppol's lap—the plot was filled with his travails, his
clever strategies, and a little bit of feel-good luck. The story
pulled me in.
I read it very carefully, like I was solving a puzzle—and
finally…
"…Here it is."
…I found a clue that might give me an answer.
* * *
The next day, during the break before we switched
classrooms, I went to see Kikuchi-san—in the library, of
course.
In her garden.
"Hello."
"Hello."
She'd gotten there before me, and after we exchanged our
usual greeting, I sat down next to her.
I searched for my opening, then eased us into the topic.
"Um, actually…"
"…What is it?"
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Maybe because she noticed I was acting different than
usual, she shifted her gaze from the book she was reading
over to me and tilted her head.
I started with: "I read Poppol."
"Did you really?! The bookstore had a copy?"
Her voice was much louder than usual. I had to smile at
the way her eyes lit up with excitement—but today, I was
after more than a book review.
"No, I found an e-book version. In translation."
"Wow…!""
She seemed to have had no idea it existed. Well, she really
did love paper books. Actually, I wouldn't want to see her
swiping away on a phone or a tablet to read an e-book.
"What did you think?!"
She was actively trying to expand the conversation this
time. Damn, that sparkle in her eyes when she's talking
about something she likes is really attractive.
"I think my favorite scene was at the end where Poppol's
friends use the power of language to communicate the
beauty of the sea to him."
"Yes, that was really good, wasn't it…?"
She sounded like she was trying to keep her emotions
from completely overflowing.
"Yeah. Andi must really believe in the power of words…"
"I know what you mean…!"
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Her face was burning with excitement. This was the
genuine Kikuchi-san.
This one—not the Kikuchi-san who forced herself to direct
rehearsals.
"Also, one other part stuck with me." I shifted my tone a
little to redirect her attention.
"…It did?" She tilted her head.
"Yeah." I imagined my words leaving my mouth in a
straight line. "The firelings."
"Ah…"
For some reason, that word alone made her catch her
breath.
"Poppol uses language to make friends with all the other
creatures, but the firelings are the only ones he can't connect
with."
"…Yes."
This was the other distinctive element of Poppol and
Raptor Island.
Poppol believed in what words could accomplish, making
friends with various species despite his strange appearance.
But he wasn't able to befriend all of them.
"The firelings can't leave the lake, so they can't live with
everybody else, right?"
"Yes, that's right. So it's not true that every single
species…can be friends. That makes Poppol…a bit of a
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grown-up story."
She spoke slowly, like she was remembering something.
I nodded. When I read that part of the book, that sense of
dissonance reminded me of how I'd felt when I heard
Kikuchi-san talk about "ideals."
"Kikuchi-san," I said to get her attention. She looked at
me, surprised but serious.
"You said you live life from an author's perspective,
right?"
"…Yes."
But if that was true, one thing didn't make sense.
That one thing was her true feelings, hidden by her
"ideals." And I had a clue that proved those true feelings
existed.
I locked eyes with Kikuchi-san and confronted her with
the contradiction.
"If you really saw the world from an author's perspective
—then you'd accept the existence of the firelings."
Firelings.
A species that by its very nature lived a closed-off
existence, unable to build relationships with others.
Poppol wasn't like anyone else, but he was still able to
make friends with all different species.
I admit that he's a brilliant character, one people might
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even aspire to. I could even see how Andi might seem to be
presenting him as a model to copy.
But in that world that Michael Andi created—firelings still
exist.
And that's where Kikuchi-san's contradiction lies.
It's a realistic incongruity born from the complexity of
human emotions.
"But—you say you feel like you have to become Poppol.
Doesn't that mean you reject the firelings?"
With those words, I took a step or two deeper in.
Kikuchi-san's breath hitched. "…Yes."
No wonder she reacted that way.
I'd just rejected the premise that, I think, had been ruling
her life thus far—the idea that she saw the story of life from
an author's perspective.
"If you really saw life like an author, I think you'd say it
was fine for the world to have both Poppols and firelings.
But you don't. You think you have to be Poppol, which shows
you're thinking about how you should be for yourself,
right?"
"…I guess you might be right," she replied uncertainly as I
poked at her most foundational emotions.
I was definitely treading on thin ice. Essentially, I was
rejecting her definition of herself and trying to replace it.
And I might not be able to take responsibility for the
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consequences.
But when I saw her lead Kris into that lonely life, and
when I saw her trying so hard to fit in…I wanted to help her,
even if it meant overstepping.
And I wasn't motivated by obligation to help her—I
wanted to. I wanted to, from the bottom of my heart.
"So I think you don't have to see the world as a player or
an author… You can see it from your own perspective. From
a character's perspective."
Maybe Kikuchi-san was hiding her true self behind the
conclusions she'd found through her logical and
observational skills. But I was certain—those deep, gut
emotions Kikuchi-san had felt over the past few days were
rooted in who she was as a character.
"You've just lost sight of it because you're overthinking
things."
Once I'd finished saying what I wanted to say, I sat quietly
and waited for her answer.
When she responded, she was full of doubt. "…I just don't
know."
"…You don't?"
A mixture of anxiety and sadness was in her voice. She
looked down, shaking her head weakly.
"You say I'm seeing the world as a character, but…I don't
know what I'm looking at, or where I want to be." She bit her
lip in frustration. "After all—the world I see is gray."
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Her black eyes wavered, drained of strength.
She shrank into herself as if the world itself had
abandoned her, her shoulders shaking like she might shatter
at any moment.
I didn't want to see her in pain, so I mustered my
confidence and tried to lift her spirits.
"That's simple!"
To reassure her, I gave her a smile as carefree as I could
manage.
"Andi's books!"
I ran my finger gently over the cover of the volume she
had placed carefully in front of her.
"You love Andi's books. That's set in stone, right?"
She stared at me and blinked a few times. "…Is that
enough?"
She glanced down for a moment, then gave me a
questioning look.
"That's plenty! I mean, Andi's books showed you a
colorful world for the first time, and I bet his books are
always there in your heart, aren't they?"
"Yes…but…" She still seemed unsure.
"This is what I think." I pulled my phone out of my
pocket. "Right now, you feel like you have to change, and
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you're trying to fit in with everyone in our class. But if you're
a fireling and the rest of the class is a different species…you
don't need to."
She followed me with her eyes, but she didn't say a word.
"I'm not saying that firelings should just go off and live by
themselves. I mean, that's hard. And lonely."
"So…?" Her defenses were completely down.
I smiled back at her. "That's simple, too!"
I turned the screen of my phone toward her.
"Look for the lake where the other firelings live."
Twitter's user search was pulled up on the screen of my
phone, with "Michael Andi" in the search bar.
"That's…," she said, her mouth open in surprise.
I went on. "You can find as many people as you want with
the same interests as you on here. Of course, at first, you
won't know what they look like or where they live. But if you
put in the time to establish connections, you can make
friends you get along with so well, you'll want to meet them
in person one day." I tapped the screen with my fingernail.
"Heck, pretty much everyone on here's a fireling."
Kikuchi-san burst out giggling at my weird attempt to
sound cool. "…You're amazing."
"No, I'm not. I'm just crafty." After all, nanashi's strong
point is his willingness to use any means to reach the end.
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Plus, I've got a lot of experience with social networks.
Hinami's Instagram assignment is partly to thank for that,
but I've always made it a habit to check out the accounts of
top Atafami players on a regular basis.
I haven't gotten involved myself because I'm socially
awkward, but as far as I can tell, a majority of the top
players, at least, seem to meet IRL. Come to think of it, I met
with NO NAME offline myself.
But Kikuchi-san's expression quickly clouded over again.
"Can I…really do that?" she asked uncertainly.
"Really do what?"
She glanced down, unsure of herself. "You and Hanabichan are so involved, and you fit in with the class so well
now. I'd be the only one left…" She was humbly revealing her
inferiority complex.
But while it might sound weird to say this—I was glad to
hear it.
"Yeah, it's fine."
"…It is?"
My oddly casual tone seemed to confuse her. After all, she
knew her problems must seem insignificant to me, but to
her, they were painful and heavy and must make her feel
worthless.
"I'll say this straight up."
That was why I wanted to tell her what I'd learned from
six months of practical experience—six months that had
been crammed with experiences.
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"I love Atafami, but I decided to try facing life head-on
and change my position at school, my friendships, and my
image. And I learned something from changing everything
like that."
I told it to her exactly as I saw it.
"The friendships you make at school? They aren't
anything special."
"Huh?"
I know that might have sounded callous, like I was
indifferent to everyone. But it wasn't.
"For the past six months or so, I've gotten to know all
kinds of people, and there's quite a few people I'd call
friends."
"Yes…it seems that way," she answered, a bit gingerly.
I hoped what I said next would erase part of that doubt.
"Some of them… Maybe it's one-sided, but I can have real
conversations with them and understand them on a deeper
level. I'm sure I'll be friends with them for a long time."
"…Uh-huh."
"But that's not because I met them at school."
I meant it.
Based on Hinami's instructions, I'd strategically gotten
involved with top-level people in order to improve my
position in school, and I'd taken steps to establish a place for
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myself. But the deeper connections I'd made through that
process had nothing to do with those strategies.
"I just happened to connect with those particular people—
it has nothing to do with everyone else at school. School only
provided the opportunity."
School just happened to be where we met. We hadn't
become friends because we met at school.
"As long as you're able to meet people, there's no rule that
says it has to be at school," I announced confidently.
I mean, that was true for me, too.
The most important connection I'd made in the past six
months, the one I was most grateful for—I didn't meet that
person for the first time at school.
I met her in an Atafami match.
You've got to build your lifestyle out of your experiences.
I wanted to get that point across to Kikuchi-san. I spoke
slowly and gently, affirming my old self in his entirety.
"There's nothing that says you need to be friends with
everyone because 'that's what people have to do.'"
It's true.
That day when it all started, I rejected school and the
normie lifestyle flat out, and Hinami rejected my "sour
grapes" way of thinking.
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Now here I was, trying out the game of life according to
her instructions. I was tasting those grapes for myself.
Were they as sweet as she'd promised? I wouldn't say so.
But I wouldn't say they were as sour as I'd expected, either.
At this point, I simply knew this:
Some of the grapes growing around here are sweet, and
others are sour.
I didn't go overboard rejecting them or accepting them.
This was just one out of the many grapevines growing in
the world, nothing more.
When I finished talking, Kikuchi-san seemed to have been
freed from the demon tormenting her.
"…Wow." Her next words were soft, as if she was
emerging from the swirl of anxiety and doubt to celebrate
herself. "Then I'm fine the way I am."
"Yeah."
"I'm…not some anomaly…that has no place in the world."
"No, not at all. Definitely not."
I nodded confidently, affirming who she was even as her
lips trembled.
If you can't reach the sweet grapes, then look for some
sweet strawberries growing on the ground.
If you don't like sweet things, look for nuts.
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If you're not hungry to start with…then just have fun
however you want.
Find your place. Find how you want to live.
When I finished saying everything I wanted to say, I took
a breath. "Okay, moving on to the main topic."
"What? There's more?" She widened her eyes in surprise.
"Yeah, I mean…do you know how to use Twitter?"
"Oh…that."
I still had to tell her how to get to the lake.
"Um, no, I don't…"
"Ha-ha-ha. Thought so. First, you create an account right
here…"
As I showed her the Twitter ropes, I was thinking about
something.
I used to be like her.
I used to look at the accounts of other top players, but
with my awkwardness, I believed it wasn't my place to say
anything.
But what if…?
Actually, I already knew the answer.
Just like Kikuchi-san had decided to dive into the lake of
the firelings, maybe I should, too.
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Maybe I should try swimming in that lake.
* * *
After school that day, I decided to help out with the
rehearsal so Kikuchi-san could focus on finishing the real
conclusion of the script.
But that plan quickly encountered a hiccup.
As I headed toward the practice room, Kikuchi-san
stopped me. "Um…we'll be fine without you today."
"What? Wh-why?"
We'd just talked about how she didn't have to force herself
to get along with everyone—but did she intend to anyway?
"Oh, um, no, that's not it…"
"It's not?"
I was giving her a puzzled look when someone tapped my
shoulder.
"Huh?" I turned around—and saw Tachibana.
"Heard you guys needed some help with the play. A
director, right?"
"Uh, what? Oh, um, yeah."
"I'll do it. You've gotta work on that skit with Mimimi,
right?"
"Uh, yeah, but…Kikuchi-san?"
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As I floundered in an enormous whirlpool of doubt,
Kikuchi-san awkwardly tried to explain the situation.
"Um…Tachibana-san got in touch a few times after we
exchanged contact information, and he said I could go to
him if I ever needed anything, so…"
"Oh… O-okay."
Well, this definitely counted as needing something. She'd
definitely made the right call. And yet…
"Go ahead and don't worry about us. I can't wait to see
that skit."
"Oh, uh, you won't be disappointed…?" By this point, I
didn't even know what I wanted or didn't want to do, so I
just said, "See you later," and watched the two of them walk
down the hallway side by side. Actually, Kikuchi-san was
walking a couple of steps behind Tachibana, and if I could
trust my eyes, I think she was keeping about an extra foot of
distance from him compared with when she walked with me.
Whatever. They were still close.
"Hmm. Well then. Okay."
When they were gone, I tore my eyes away and reluctantly
headed off to practice the skit. Hmm. N-not that I care or
anything.
* * *
It was the next morning.
"Tomozaki-kun!"
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As I was walking up the stairs toward class after my
morning meeting with Hinami, I suddenly heard Kikuchisan call my name on the landing.
She was very obviously excited, and she was holding a
paper bag that probably contained the script. But she didn't
have her bag with her…which must mean that she'd been
waiting for me there.
"What's up? You sure are in a good mood."
"Oh!" She blushed. "I—I am…?"
When Kikuchi-san blushed, it tended to be contagious,
which was why my own face was growing steadily hotter.
Plus, we were on the landing of the staircase leading from
Sewing Room #2, so hardly anyone used it. The
embarrassment was only natural.
"Um, yeah. You sounded super energetic…"
"O-oh, really…?"
There was a very awkward pause.
"B-but that's not the point," she said, pouting a little.
"Um, the script?"
"Yes!"
She blushed in surprise that I'd guessed why she was
there. Uh, that's not really a reason to blush, is it?
"Well, you were carrying a bag…"
"Oh, that's true!" She floundered.
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Once again, I felt my face burning after that oddly timed
blush attack.
As if to cover up her expression, she lowered her voice like
she was telling me something very important. "…I decided."
"You did?"
"Yes."
She pulled the script out of the bag, but instead of flipping
it open, she hugged it to her chest.
Then without lowering the bundle of papers, she began to
tell me the ending to "On the Wings of the Unknown."
Slowly, in her own words.
"In the last scene, Kris leaves the castle and tries to fit into
the outside world, right?"
"Yeah."
That ending had left me strangely sad, and I'd asked her
not to let it end there.
"Well, yesterday, I thought about what you told me…and I
decided that Kris was the same. Forcing herself to fit into the
outside world didn't have to be her only choice."
"…Oh, you did?"
Not everyone has to be a Poppol—some people can live in
the lake of the firelings.
That really applied to Kris, too, who had grown up
ignorant of the world.
"So this is what I did."
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She playfully gathered her hair together with her hands.
"She loves to make flower garlands, so I had her become
an apprentice at a workshop that makes them."
I had to smile at the solution she'd found. "…Huh. That's a
good ending."
"Isn't it?!" She grinned. "After so long alone, she wouldn't
know anything about the outside world—but she would love
working with flowers, I thought."
That description reminded me more of Kikuchi-san
herself than of Kris.
"Yeah. I think she'd like something creative."
That's why I answered in a way that could apply to either
of them.
"It would help her find happiness, I think. Definitely."
"…Huh. I'm really glad about that," I said, holding back
my own flood of happiness.
Kris—and Kikuchi-san, too—had both come to understand
themselves. They'd created a place for themself full of the
things and people they liked, where they could be happy.
Kikuchi-san had put that beautiful answer into her story
world, and for some reason, I was grateful to her for it.
Somehow, what I felt wasn't nervous excitement but an
emotion closer to respect.
From the bottom of my heart, I also wanted to share every
drop of that passion and happiness.
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A peculiar feeling was sprouting inside me—something
peaceful and very warm.
"Kikuchi-san." The words came naturally.
"What is it?"
Of course, I wasn't just completing an assignment—I was
doing what I wanted to do.
The emotion was spilling out of me without any logic or
reason.
"After the play ends on the day of the festival—there's
something I want to talk to you about."
I only realized what I'd said after I closed my mouth. The
words had left me before I could even process them.
What I wanted to do was tell her the truth of how I felt. I'd
had those feelings when we watched those brilliant colors
exploding across the night sky together, but I'd failed to say
them.
Of course, I could find plenty of reasons to explain what
was going on inside me. Gratitude for teaching me
something important. Respect for the seriousness with
which she worked on her stories. That experience in your gut
when you understood someone else down to their very core.
But I think the real meaning was different from any of
that.
For the past week, I'd been laser-focused on finding some
specific reason for my decision.
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But now I knew that a "reason" was just…whatever you
found afterward when you needed to turn your
uncontrollable emotions into something special.
She blushed, as if some sudden realization had made her
shy.
"…O-of course." She nodded hesitantly, but at the same
time as if she'd already guessed everything, and then looked
up at me.
Just then, I remembered something. This was one of
Hinami's assignments.
Fine then. Might as well complete it right now.
But—I'd do it in a completely different way than she'd
imagined.
"Let's make sure this play is a success."
I reached my right hand out toward Kikuchi-san.
She glanced back and forth between my face and my hand
with surprise.
Finally, she smiled kindly, extended her own small, white
hand—the hand that wrote the stories I loved—and placed it
on top of mine.
"Yes…let's."
Our hands linked together as our words did, too. Respect
and affection and goals were all jumbled together in my
heart.
And that's how I successfully managed to intentionally
『fb.com/JNovelCodex』
touch hands with Kikuchi-san for more than five seconds.
* * *
At lunch that day, I was still floating on air somewhat
when something occurred to me.
Kikuchi-san had written a story that ended with Kris
finding her place in the world. What was going on in
Kikuchi-san's fireling lake—the lake that gave rise to that
ending?
Feeling vaguely like a father watching protectively over
his child, I decided to take a peek at Kikuchi-san's Twitter
account.
"Huh…?"
That was a surprise.
The account we'd just created yesterday? The one that was
supposed to let her follow people who liked Andi books and
make friends with people who were similar to her—the
account that would lead her to the fireling lake?
The bio had drastically changed.
Michael Andi, cafés, second-year high school student,
reading, and writing
That was what we'd come up with together, after I told her
she should keep it simple and list some things she liked and
facts about herself. As long as she was trying to find people
who shared her interests instead of trying to get a lot of
followers, I thought that would work really well.
『fb.com/JNovelCodex』
But all that had been erased—and replaced with two
words.
Aspiring writer
My finger stopped moving on my phone screen, and a
smile spread over my face.
"…Okay."
Just as Kris had found her way, just as Kris had decided to
turn her passion into a job and leap out into the world,
Kikuchi-san wanted to do the same.
"…Go get 'em."
Right then, I made a decision.
No matter what happened, I'd stand by her.