"Miss Samantha Logan, please have a seat."
I smiled warmly at the almond-eyed woman and watched distrust settle in those grey irises. Her stare was hard and if I wasn't so hardhearted myself, I'd have been shaking in my boots. She looked like she wasn't comfortable with the therapist change idea but too bad for her, Vivian was no longer working in WeCare Inc.
"Hello."
I blinked once at how deep her voice was. It wasn't supposed to be a surprise though, nothing fucked up the vocal box like drug abuse. I waited for her to get settled in the sofa before I lowered myself too.
"I know I've done it before but I think I should still introduce myself again." I crossed my legs and placed my clasped hands on my thighs. "My name is Miss Deborah Rodriguez. Most people call me Miss Rodriguez but you can call me whatever you deem fit."
"Miss Rodriguez." She gave me a slow once-over and her eyes settled on my face. "You don't look Hispanic though."
That was because I wasn't, I only married one but I didn't think Miss Samantha had any use for that information. "Yeah, I get that a lot." She nodded slowly and I cleared my throat. "Like you were informed, Mrs Vivian is no longer available and I'll take over from where she stopped. I had a look at your files so I'm aware of your progress." Her face contorted a little and I had to quickly clarify. "Don't get it twisted, I only came in contact with your file after you were transferred to me. We respect the privacy of our clients in WeCare Inc."
Her features relaxed a bit. "Alright."
"Although I'd gone through your files, I'll still have to talk to you about some things in there. I and Vivian are different people so we obviously access things differently." Her head bobbed in agreement and I continued. "So I'm going to be asking you some questions and just try to get to know you better. A few might be a little too intrusive but it's nothing you can't handle."
"Okay."
I took a deep breath. "So how do we do this? The easy way or the hard one?" I hoped she understood what I meant, it was kinda direct anyway.
She seemed to contemplate in her mind for a few seconds before coming to a decision. "Hard way, I guess."
I nodded and offered her a small smile. "I respect that." I took a quick glance at her file and redirected my attention to her face. "Your drug abuse history? Would you mind throwing more light?"
"I got out of rehab about 2 years ago."
I shook my head and she stopped after her first sentence. "I want the genesis of the whole thing. When you started, how and why. You know, stuffs like that. And please take your time, we have a long time plus I happen to be a great listener."
Miss Samantha nodded and the brunette waves on her head shook as she did that. "Uhmm, I was 13 when I first started. It was a marijuana joint and my friend gave it to me. Tiana, that was the girl's name. I think she had already started experimenting before she brought it to me. Besides, I'd seen my brother smoke before then so maybe I was little curious. I can't really remember much really, it's been a long time."
I nodded in understanding, it really had been a long time. I was 18 when I experimented with recreational drugs the first time. It was my first college party and the goal was to get wasted. Some girl approached I and Nelly with angel dust. "It's harmless fun." Those were her words before she pushed a little baggie of the white powder into Nelly's hand. Snorting it was kinda clumsy but once it started to hit, I knew I'd never try anything like it ever again. I hallucinated to the point I thought I'd already died. The experience still made me shudder whenever I remembered it.
My client kept talking about her drug abuse experiences and I made a few notes. "You went to rehab 4 times?" She confirmed my enquiry with a single nod. "What was your motivation? What made you want to stop taking drugs?"
"My kids." The answer was short but I knew the power it held. There was something about having children that made you want to change, to be a better person.
"You've got 3 and you're single. Do they all share the same father?"
A flash of pain crossed her eyes as she nodded. "Yeah. We're not together anymore though."
I nodded and wrote that down. "Is there a particular reason for that?"
Her face hardened in an instant and I was almost rattled by the abrupt switch. "He wasn't the best person."
I cleared my throat. "Was he abusive?" She looked at me for a while before nodding. "How often did he hit you?"
Her eyes blinked repeatedly and I understood what that meant. She was confused at my assumption. "Jeremy has never hit me, he wouldn't ever. He loved me too much to."
I wasn't really fucking with the way Miss Samantha was answering my questions. It was like she was purposely dropping cliffhangers and I'd have to ask her what she meant by that, only for her answer to be another cliffhanger that needed further clarification. I liked suspense but only in movies, and particularly not during my therapy sessions. "Can you explain what you mean by that?"
"He was perfect but not just for me. He loved me and I loved him but being with him was horrible."
I zoned out after that statement. Someone had said something to similar to me.
Diego.
"Dee, I love you but staying with you has been a nightmare. The only difference is I'm not asleep, I'm living the nightmare. All day, everyday."
I sneered at the man's comment and pushed him in the chest. "Oh really? Do I look like I'm living a fairytale? I'm married to a fucking momma's boy. Do you know how terrible that is? I'm at my fucking limit, Diego. I want an out."
He pulled at his necktie and that throbbing vein was already at the side of his neck. "What do you fucking mean by that? You want an out? So you want a divorce, yeah? What are you fucking thinking for Christ's sake? Mikayla is barely 2, do you understand the trauma you're trying to put her through?"
I waved off his heated outburst with a dismissive scoff. "She'll get over it. My Ma grew up without a dad and look how great she turned out. My daughter won't be any different."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Deborah?" The 6'1" man rubbed his face in agitation. "You know what? I'm done with this conversation cos that's what you always do. Make mountains out of little rocks, turn every single conversation to an argument but today I'm not going to entertain your madness. I've had way too much stress at work."
"Don't you dare think I'm going to watch you walk away from me."
His gaze was bored as he walked to the master bedroom. "I'll suggest you close your eyes then." My angry swearing was punctuated with the loud bang when he shut the door and I hoisted an infant Mikayla on my waist while releasing more curse words.
A series of finger snaps before my face drew me out of my reverie. Miss Samantha had an unimpressed scowl on her face and for once, I was willing to admit my fault. She was probably regretting and feeling like Amber assigned her to a quack. No professional therapist would zone out during a session.
"I'm so sorry, Miss Samantha. Really and deeply sorry. That was so unprofessional of me and I apologise. Your experience just kinda brought back memories that were better forgotten."
She eyed me warily for a while. "You were in an abusive relationship?"
I fanned my eyes to keep the tears at bay and smiled sheepishly at my client. "Something like that." Except I was the perpetrator, unlike Samantha who was just a victim.
Her tired sigh echoed in the office and her deep voice softened to a substantial degree. "You'll be fine. Everything's gon be alright. Eventually."
My brows lifted by a fraction and I frowned in mock annoyance. "Excuse me, that's my line. Are you trying to steal my job, ma'am?" She chuckled and that dissipated the tension in the atmosphere. An hour later and I escorted her to the elevator doors.
"I had a wonderful time, Debbie. I'll come on Friday like we agreed." We kinda bonded after during the session, to the point she started calling me Debbie. That was a little something I liked to tag "Progress."
We shared a quick hug when the doors slid open. "Alright then. Enjoy the rest of your day. And week too." She chuckled and gave me a wave just before the elevator doors closed.
Immediately I shut myself in my office, the restraints on my emotions dam broke and left me a weeping mess. Samantha was so lucky that she was just a victim, she only felt pain while I felt pain, regret and guilt whenever I thought about my own victim. Diego. The poor man!
Reaching for my phone, I decided to put a call to Nelly. A listening ear and pair of comforting lips would go a long way. I already had Nelly on speed dial so within seconds, her name was already displayed boldly on my screen. The tears ran down harder when the call went unanswered. Where was help whenever I needed it? I lost track of time as I listened to my wails and allowed my tears comfort me in the solitude.
A knock on the door had me scuffling to rub away the excess moisture from my eyes.
"Who's there?" My hoarse voice was a proof of my prolonged bawling.
"Anne."
Oh, Mrs Smith. I'd already forgotten I still had an appointment with the kind oldster. "Give me a minute please." I quickly rolled out some tissue and blew my nose aggressively before dabbing my face with a napkin. I wasn't going to allow the world know I was crying my eyes out. The smile of my face as I swung the door was so wide, I felt the strain on my temples. "Please, come in. Sorry I left you standing outside."
The grey haired woman gave me a wary look. "That's okay." I stepped aside to let her in. "Are you okay though?"
"Of course, Mrs Smith. How was your weekend?" Her eyes twitched a little. She knew I was trying to draw attention away from myself.
"Mundane. Nothing worth mentioning actually."
20 minutes into the session and the elderly woman's eyes were still filled with cautiousness and concern despite my reassurances. I fidgeted slightly under her critical gaze and cursed myself for having puffy eyes.
"I think that's the problem right now, Mrs Smith. You should try sleeping early. Like 8pm max."
She gasped and her face formed a scowl. "8pm? That's way too early. I won't be able to gossip with the girls anymore." My eyebrows raised a fraction in humor. "The bookclub ladies call at night to talk about the neighbors and stuffs like that and now they gon call and homegirl not gon be able to answer cos she 'sleep? Damn, I gotta start going by they houses now?." Every once in a while, her Jersey accent crept in and I always enjoyed those moments. I had a roommate in college that spoke with the accent too. I hardly spoke to Mindy anymore, she was situated at the other end of the country.
I shrugged in response to her question. "I'm really sorry about the inconveniences of not being able to listen to the late night gossips anymore. I know they're probably very juicy but you need to start sleeping early for real. You're not as old as you once were so you need to lay low. You need rest." She grunted in displeasure and I offered a little consolation. "Just for the meantime. It's not a permanent adjustment."
She nodded begrudgingly. "All good. You too though."
"Huh?"
Her eyes behind the clear lens narrowed in deep concentration. "You also need rest. You look "tired"." Her frail fingers formed air quotes at the last word and I knew she wasn't talking about fatigue.
My lips curved a little and I shook my head at her persistence. "You are correct though. I am a little "tired"." My fingers also formed air quotes at the last word like hers did a moment before.
She gave me a kind smile that had a tinge of pity in it. "I understand. Caregivers need care too."
Did some of them deserve it though? "Yeah."
Mrs Smith let out a deep sigh that dissipated the thick silence that descended upon us. "I think I should head out now, you need to go home. I need to hit the mac anyways. I'd hate to do that after dark."
"The what?"
"The mac. I need to get some money."
I blinked once. "Oh, do you mean the ATM?"
"Yeah, that." She laughed at my perplexity. "I did grow up in the AC so the accent comes in every now and then." I stood to help her get up from the sofa. "So till next week?"
I nodded in response to her rhetorical question. "I'll leave in like 5 minutes too. I've got to clear up my table, then I'll hit the road." We shared a brief hug and she went on her way.
As I tried to lock my office door, I saw Madison in my peripheral view prancing towards me and muttered curses under my breath. I wasn't in the right frame for her narratives so I quickly hushed her when she started.
"Guess what, Dee?"
I pulled my keys from the door and started walking towards the elevator at the end of the hallway. "Not today, Madison. I'm not the mood for none of that right now."
She seemed to pick the tension from my rigid motion and she nodded in quiet acceptance. "Alright, tomorrow then. Enjoy the rest of your day." I grunted my reply and went on my way.
In the car, I put another call through to Nelly and let out a sigh of relief when her bored voice floated from the speaker. "¿Que?"
"I called earlier."
From her tone, I could tell she was laying down. Probably on the couch. "Yeah, I was taking a nap. What's up?"
I bit down on my tongue to keep in the insults at its tip. "Nothing, it's all good now. Can you order some take-ins for you and Mikayla?"
"Oh, okay. You're stuck at work? You'll be working late today?"
I shook my head even though she couldn't possibly see the action. "No, not at all. I'm even on my way." I slowed to a stop and glimpsed at the number plate before me. "There's just a traffic on the highway but I'll be home in about 45 minutes."
Mikayla's voice sounded in the background and I assumed she was talking to her so I waited a few seconds for Nelly. "Since you'll be back in 45 minutes, why do I gotta order food for us to eat? We can wait, Kayla would be very happy to."
"I'm not in the mood to cook, just order something."
An awkward silence filled the static for a moment. "Okay." She ended the call after her abrupt reply and I took a deep breath. Thank God she didn't start to question me, I didn't trust myself not to break down in the cold car.
Silence was the best companion of depression so I cranked up the stereo to the highest volume and allowed the tunes prevent me from thinking. I fucked up the lyrics of a couple songs but I remained unfazed, singing the other songs at the top of my voice. Music had always been my escape from reality, I was a superstar with no worries at those moments.
I rapped my knuckles softly on the door and counted 8 seconds before the lock clicked. I waited a few seconds before going in and caught the sight of Nelly's retreating back. I contemplated running back out to my car and sleeping in there, anything to avoid facing her. An excited squeal echoed in the house and little steps thundered on the floorboard before my daughter came into sight. I closed the door behind me and crouched down for her to jump into my arms. My feet shuffled back a few steps because of her weight.
"Bebe, you're so grown now. You're almost as fat as I am." I poked her belly before setting her down.
Her gleeful chuckle lifted the gloom in my soul a little. "You're not fat. You should see Desmond's mum."
She led me to the kitchen where Nelly was sat with a scattering of tupperware and styrofoam cups on the table before her. "Hey." She turned to me and gave me a careful once-over. Her gaze stopped at my face and she raised her brows in question. I understood the unasked question and nodded in response.
"I'm okay."
Her eyes fell on Mikayla, who was still gripping my hand, before shrugging her shoulders and turning her attention back to the food. "Yeah, of course."
After taking a bottle of water from the fridge and placing a loud peck on Mikayla's forehead, I told them goodnight and went to my bathroom to take a quick shower. Safely tucked under Kayla's duvet, their voices drifted into the room and I heard Nelly try to shush the 8 year old whenever she shouted. She didn't want me to be disturbed by Mikayla's noise and I sent her a silent letter of thanks even though I thought it was quite unnecessary. She should had known I lived for Mikayla's disturbances. Besides her loudness prevented those unwanted thoughts from creeping in.
"Deborah, please I'm really not in the mood for another argument. When I tell you I'm exhausted, I really mean it."
The fact that he was calling me Deborah instead of Deedee, made me even angrier than I was a couple minutes before. "I don't give a fuck, Diego. I really don't. Why is this bitch blowing up your phone with calls? Isn't that the bitch you was assigned to partner with last month? Isn't the project over? Why the fuck is she still talking to you?"
He pushed his phone into my hand and turned to face the other side of the room. "Take it and call her yourself. Do whatever pleases you but please don't disturb me by this time. It's half past 12 for Christ sakes, this is a very stupid time to be having such conversations."
I tossed his phone on the bed in annoyance. "I'm not calling her, I don't give about that bitch. You are my problem, Diego. I don't want to be taken as a fucking fool, I don't want to be two-timed."
"Two-timed? Fuck you mean by that?"
He sat down abruptly and I did same. "You know damn too well what I'm talking about, Diego."
His scoff of derision could be heard from a mile away. "You're just delusional, Deborah." He scuffled out of bed and swung the door open. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation at this time. For the thousandth time, I'm not cheating on you. I've never and I'll never. You seem to be deaf though, so I'm very sure I'll still repeat this exact same thing tomorrow."
I hurried after him into the living room. "Where the fuck are you going to?"
He took his car keys and kept walking towards the door. "I don't know, anywhere that doesn't have you in it would do just fine."
"Fine! I don't want you here either. I hope that you get-"
The room door swung open and I hurriedly put my face in the pillow before the light switch was turned on. I didn't want anyone to see my tear filled face.
"Is Mama okay?" Mikayla whispered.
Nelly responded to her question with a hushed voice too. "Yeah. She's just a little tired. It happens to all mummies, she just needs to sleep."
I felt the bed dip at my side and warmth radiated from that place. Someone tugged at the duvet and I reckoned it to be Nelly. She wanted to tuck Kayla in. After a couple seconds of silence, a quiet peck resounded in the room and a quiet giggle followed.
"Goodnight, aunt Lee."
"Nighty, princesa. Don't let the bed bugs bite." Another giggle echoed before I felt a small arm on my back. Mikayla and her love for cuddles.
I heard the light switch go off and waited for the door to swing open, but that didn't happen. Nelly didn't leave as I expected, she just stood in the darkness. She was probably debating if she should wake me for interrogation. I could literally hear her mind ticking before her loud sigh filled the room. She had decided against it and I offered a silent hallelujah.
She left the room a few minutes later and I let out my own sigh of relief. Some things were better left unsaid.
How could I tell my best friend that I was a monster?