The sun had set hours ago and the full moon shone through my window. I love driving, but since I started this mad dash across the states, I have learned that nighttime driving soothes the soul. It is during these twilight hours that I can finally come to terms with everything.
When I first decided to leave everything behind in California, my job, friends, what family I could actually stomach…it was all so sudden and felt rushed. But, I could feel something calling me, as if I was not in the right place.
My friends want to point out that I was not leaving in a blaze of glory, but instead I was leaving my fears behind.
So what if they are right? I am right too. The thought of my mad dash out of Visalia to travel wherever the road takes me coupled with my state of body and mind may have been contributing factors…once again, I am ranting in my head instead of actually doing anything for myself.
But the moon is calling me.
I look down towards my lap, but I'm not looking at my lap, I'm looking at the baby bump that is just starting to show.
The pain of that night, the humiliating questions from the police and the doctors. The morning-after pill that failed.
Once more the moon called me, back to my driving, back to its glowing rays on the dirt road.
Wait, dirt road? I can feel my heart kickstarting against my ribs. I was just on interstate forty heading towards the Midwest.
The clock says it's now four am, but it was just midnight. Now I can see the moon fully through the window as it prepares to set in the west. It's still dark outside, but the moon is staring at me through the windshield.
I'm falling asleep as the car gradually ceases its bumpy ride.
My eyes firmly shut as the car completes its stop and shuts off. The moon's rays soothing my heart as my dreams and nightmares coalesce into reality, like it does every night.
Remembrance
I'm walking into the convenience store after filling my gas tank. I stayed a bit too long at Anna's house, but that is normal. Our monthly get-together with all of our high school besties is always at Anna's, since she is the only person who loves for all of us to gather and goof off. Luckily, she married an outgoing man as well, or he would be miserable with all of the activities she is involved in. I'm thinking about getting myself a Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar and maybe a bag of almonds when something grabs me by my arm. The sharp points feel like teeth as they dig into my arm, forcing me backwards into the dark and musty alley. I can smell wet dogs mixed with the store's trash, including rotten food. The smell is overwhelming. I'm trying to get out of his hold, but it's useless. I'm like an infant in an adult's hands, doing whatever he wants. My strength is useless against him. All of my weight training, cardio, swim competitions..all of it is nothing to his power.
For the first time, I felt powerless. Truly and utterly powerless.
LIke butter, my jeans are ripped from my body. The pain of ripping cotton, such thick cotton scrapes my flesh raw. Hollywood never portrays the pain of clothes being torn from your body.
Then the pain from him forcing his member inside me. My body began to prepare itself, naturally getting wet to ease the pain, which made him even more excited.
His size, coupled with his rough movements, along with my bruised flesh made me black out. The pain was too much.
As my eyes opened once more, the man??? Looked down at me and penetrated me again. This time his entrance was smooth as his semen coated my vaginal walls. To my complete and utter horror, my body began to enjoy this sick invasion. His eyes seemed to glow as he sniffed the air.
He didn't stop, instead he whispered beside my ear, "mine" and started to bite my neck, but before he could, flashing lights appeared and the sound of cops yelling had him pulling away from me.
"I'll find you again soon, little one" he whispered against my lips before running off.
I woke up from the dream, sweat coating my body as it remembered the total body pain, inside and out.
After the police came, it was a blur of noise and sights and sounds. I was overstimulated. One thing that sticks out is the side conversation between two police officers. "How could the anonymous call actually be correct? Even down to the exact location the man had her against the wall?"
It was this conversation that almost drove me crazy. The police were informed that a female was going to be raped. Did the person inform them before? During? Regardless, the deed was done and I am here, pregnant with an unknown man's child, driving across the states, and now I am in bumfuk egypt.
The sun has risen and I am sweating, not just from the nightmare but from the heat. I am in a meadow filled with wildflowers, surrounded by trees. I look behind me and can barely discern the dirt road that leads me here. More like a trail that my moon-addled brain had me driving on.
It's beautiful and peaceful. The butterflies half hazardous flight from one blossom to another, the more direct and militant flight of the bees doing the same. I open the car door and all the sounds of nature that my iron-clad mustang muted are put on loudspeaker, the buzzing and mate calling of the insects around me.
The smell is so clean and fresh. I keep breathing in deep, the smell of ozone and fresh mud lingering on the breeze. I have only smelt this kind of cleanliness in the mountains in California. Here I am, is a valley, smelling the same kind of clean nature that is so hard to find in heavily populated cities. I have snacks and things in the car, but my bladder is calling for relief.
The real cause of me waking up is the need to relieve myself.
I looked around once again, I wouldn't be able to make the drive out of here and find a gas station in time. I do have toilet paper that dissolves with the lightest of rain in my trunk.
I walked to the back of the car, some of the insects quieted down, and opened the trunk, the keys jingling in my hands , grabbing the tp and some waterless hand soap followed by hand sanitizer.
I then waddled, well, barely waddled, even though I am only three months along, my belly is already rounding. I've not been to the doctor, which makes me feel guilty, but I opted for the morning after pill so that I would not have this issue. And yet, here I am, still pregnant. I do take my morning pregnancy vitamin, at least I am doing something.