Chereads / The Bartender at the End of the Universe / Chapter 7 - Ch 6: The Hunter in the Pines

Chapter 7 - Ch 6: The Hunter in the Pines

"And you all choose to do this?"

"Well, yeah."

"There is no threat of violence if you do not comply?"

"No Sid, seriously it's fun."

"It is fun to willingly poison yourselves?"

"I mean..." Ted tried to run through ways to argue with Sid, but decided it was pointless. "Yeah, pretty much. You should maybe try something different next time. The chili rum is a bit...much."

"I suppose having a body able to digest such things for a short time has left me with little perspective compared to you. Though I will say rather than focusing on how potent a poison I can drink, I find the lack of nutrients in our food supply does have me concerned."

Ted shrugged as he pulled out a bowlful of dough balls and two eggs. "There's not much we can do about that. So, I figure there's no reason to get worked up over it."

"Curious. I would think impending doom would be of a grave concern."

"That will take months at least, right?

"Correct, but it still looms over the horizon."

"Well, worrying isn't going to improve anything. But I will say that the drinking helps with that."

"How would ingesting poison help?"

"Look, tonight. Just try and keep up with Sentenza's drinking for a bit. I think you'll see pretty quickly how that poison can help so much."

Without a sun it was harder to know when it actually was night. Sentenza had a pretty strong internal clock though, so they had just been going off of him so far. Now, with Sid they had something with an actual internal clock.

"I do not feel any different." explained Sid as he swayed slightly in his chair with a blue coloring his normally silver cheeks.

"That's what they always say!" laughed Trizel. "Every fresh pup, still wet behind the ears, brags how they don't even feel the drink as it strikes them across the head."

"Don't worry about him," offered Sentenza. "Just try and relax for a bit."

Sid tilted his head slightly. "Curious. I do seem more capable of letting go of necessary functions."

Sid's face started to turn brighter and brighter blue then, Ted realized what was going on and called out, "Whoa, don't stop breathing!"

Sid let out a gasp of air and began breathing heavily as his body shook up and down. "It seems," he said in between breaths, "That there are some functions that I should not relax."

Trizel and Sentenza both laughed. "That was quite the joke!" roared Trizel.

"Haha, yeah. Didn't figure you'd catch on to humor so quickly. What with how your attempt at jokes yesterday had gone."

"No, those were quite humorous," Sid defended himself as he brought his skeletal hand up to his chest. "Perhaps you just did not understand it. Let me try again."

Sid cleared his throat as Trizel rolled his eyes and Sentenza shook his head. Ted just put his head in his hand.

"Now, a neutron walks into a commissary. We must suspend our beliefs a bit at this poiint as a neutron can not walk anywhere. Now in the commissary, the neutron asks the clerk 'how much for a nutrient rich serving?' Again, we must suspend our rational facilities as a neutron can not think let alone speak, and if it could, it would be far too small to be comprehended by any clerk. Then you see." Sid took in a deep breath as stammered for a moment. "You see the clerk responds, 'For you, no charge.' " Sid looked expectantly at all three of them. Trizel stared blankly back at him. Sentenza was frowning with one eyebrow raised. Nugget was on the table, and slowly shook her head. Ted made sure to avoid eye contact, while holding his mug up to his mouth and pretending to drink.

"Curious. You should all be breaking down in laughter at the humor of my joke."

"Except it wasn't funny the first time, and it wasn't any funnier this time Sid," sighed Sentenza as he tried to shoo away Nugget with his hand.

As Sentenza's hand ushered Nugget away she didn't flinch. Then, on the third wave, she struck the back of his hand with her beak and was back to ignoring him. As the pain hit him, Sentenza pulled his hand away, and grumbled to himself. as he rubbed the fresh red mark on his skin.

"Do you at least understand it? I already explained how you should suspend your knowledge, correct? Well, perhaps you are unaware of what a neutron is. You see, a neutron is a subatomic particle similar to a proton, but without an electric charge. So you see, it was a double meaning. With the clerk's response of no charge..."

"Sid, we got it, okay? It's just. Well. You're just not great at the timing needed for a joke." explained Ted.

"Then perhaps one of you would do me the pleasure of showing me how to tell a joke?"

"What about the first night you were here? I said that one about the brothel?" offered Sentenza.

Trizel let out a loud laugh as he hit the table with his fist. "Yes! That was a great one!"

"I fail to see how that crude humor is any different from the pun I delivered through my joke."

"Timing Sid!" exclaimed Sentenza. "Just like Ted said, you just can't get that part down. So even if you had something funny to say, it wouldn't come out that way."

"I find it hard to believe..."

As Sid started to speak, an ear-piercing cry echoed out from somewhere outside. The four men all turned towards the noise and searched for what could have made it. While Nugget seemed nonplussed, and simply shifted down to sitting comfortably on the table. Sentenza and Trizel stood up and turned towards the door. Sid tried to stand as well but stumbled and fell back down into his chair.

"You got up too fast," sighed Ted as he slowly made his way to standing. "You're a little drunk at least, so things like that will be harder."

"Curious. Then why does it not seem to impair Trizel or Sentenza?"

"Years of experience," said Trizel proudly as he put his hands on his hips.

"He's also much bigger," added Sentenza. "Takes more to get a big guy like that drunk."

Another cry came from far beyond the door and drew all of their attention. Except, of course, for Nugget who seemed to have better things to do. Like taking a short nap on the table.

After some more playful bickering, the four of them made their way out of the building. The howling continued periodically as they had decided to have Sid carry some fried dough so he could have them soak up some of the alcohol in his stomach. Trizel of course insisted that if Sid was bringing food that he should bring a barrel of the bush beer with them as well. In case any of them got thirsty of course.

"I do not recall there being a forest here." Sid's words cut right to the heart of the matter.

After just a short walk, they came in sight of a thick pine forest. The pine branches blocked out the light from the thunderstorms and there was an ominous feeling coming from the deep, dark woods.

"This is an ancient place," muttered Trizel as he placed a hand on the trunk of a pine. "A place of dark magics. You can even feel their chill out here."

Sentenza scoffed. "More like a place where it's easy for a cougar to ambush you."

"Alright, alright," said Ted. "There's really only one way to find out, right? We have to go in."

"A practical solution." added Sid. "Remove the speculation and gather hard data ourselves."

"Sid." sighed Sentenza. "You've got to eat the food for it to help."

"But I do not feel hungry."

Trizel filled his mug with the barrel over his shoulder and chugged down the entire glass. With a refreshed, "ahhh," he nodded. "Let the construct feed when he chooses to. Or perhaps he wants to enjoy his first true drunken stupor a bit."

Sentenza shrugged as he pulled out a pistol and checked that each chamber had a bullet nestled inside.

Ted shook his head and said, "Alright then, let's get going," as he led the way into the forest.

It was cold. The chilly breeze singing through the trees seemed to cut straight through to their bone. The deeper they got the quieter things seemed. Light got rarer and rarer as they pressed on. The darkness seeming to try and push into their very souls. The only light keeping the shadow at bay was the bright red from Sid's eyes, which were barely enough to illuminate the area just around them.

"We should have brought a lantern," grumbled Sentenza. "Can't see a blasted thing, and this is far too quiet for a forest."

"Sentenza's right," agreed Trizel. "No forest should be so absent of sounds."

"Yeah, especially when this is where we heard all that screaming from, but since we got in here, they've been silent."

"I would hazard that this is some kind of trap then." reasoned Sid. "The noise was to draw us in."

"And then what?" asked Ted.

"Kill us of course. For our meat."

Trizel snorted before he took another gulp of his fresh mug. "If that was their plan, then why wait so long to spring the trap? We have been wandering for hours."

"It has been four-hundred and seventy-eight point nine seconds as of the end of this sentence."

"Then why don't we forget about this for now and go back for some dang lanterns?" snapped Sentenza. "I hate wandering woods in the..."

He stopped short as he turned abruptly and fired his gun straight behind them. The muzzle flash illuminated the area briefly, and a large hooved foot attached to a calf covered in black fur could just barely be seen before disappearing behind a tree as the light from the gun faded.

"What was that?" asked Ted as his eyes scanned around desperately in the darkness. His mind went back to his time in the void. It was like when he was searching for the puppeteers.

"Our stalker," sighed Sentenza. "The beast has been stalking us since we first went in this place, but only just now got close enough for me to attempt a shot."

"And you did not think it wise to inform the rest of us?" prodded Sid.

Sentenza was calm as he walked towards where he had fired his gun. "You're a hunter Sid. Tracked down prey, but you had trouble tracking other hunters and got tricked yourself. Whoever this is, they're no animal. Too smart." he knelt down and stuck his fingers in the drops of blood on the fallen pine needles covering the forest floor. He rubbed his fingers together as if checking the viscosity of it. "Managed to wing them, but they were testing me. They had been holding back while following us."

"Well, what should we..."

BANG!

As Ted started to speak, he felt a sharp pain on his back as vicious claws ripped through his shirt. At the first stab of pain, Sentenza had spun around again, and fired right beside Ted's head. Cutting the assault short. Ted still stumbled forward as the shallow cuts stung immensely. While an emotionless Sentenza glanced over the wound.

"Dang. Looks Like Trizel may have been right." sighed Sentenza. "This is no worldly beast. Too smart, too fast, and with claws and hooves? Sounds like a demon straight out of the Bible."

"Huzzah! I am victorious!" bragged Trizel. "It is magic, and..."

He was cut short as the creature pounced on him. Now, Trizel may not have been skilled enough to follow the creature around in the darkness, but he was more than skilled enough to catch an attacker with his own hands. For a moment, he could see exactly what the beast was. It had what looked like a moose skull for a head with sunken black holes where its eyes should be and massive antlers. It was at least ten feet tall with arms so long they looked like they would almost drag on the ground as the monster walked. With gaunt, ashy white skin barely covering its bones it appeared like this creature had never eaten a day in its life. Its hooved feet connected to calves covered in black fur with knees that bent backwards. It had scraps of loose cloth that hung from its neck like a poncho and around its waist almost like a skirt. Trizel had managed to catch both of its small wrists, but the beast was matching his strength, and it was all he could do to keep from being overpowered. Although, with both his hands occupied, he had dropped his mug and the barrel on his shoulder tipped forward, until it crashed over top of the creature.

"No, my beer!" cried Trizel.

"Dang it, hold the thing still so I can take a shot without ending you too Trizel," snarled Sentenza as he kept readjusting his aim as Trizel and the monster kept throwing each other back and forth.

"Wait," cried out Ted as he groaned from the pain. "Everyone who has shown up so far has had some misunderstanding leading us to almost fight."

There was a loud slurping sound as the barrel sat broken over the creature's head while it danced through the trees with Trizel, all the while trying desperately to reach its claws towards him.

"Tell that to this thing!" chuckled Trizel. "This monster seems set on tearing me to pieces, but I'm sure its finding that the mighty Trizel isn't so easily bested!"

With a violent swing, the creature slammed its head against a tree, and shattered the remnants of the barrel, sending the last bits of alcohol flying. Finally, it opened its mouth and drool dripped from its bony mouth as it let out a low groan of, "Huuuuuuuuuuu."

Sentenza rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Come on Ted. If there was a time to just put something down, this is it. It's some monstrosity we can't even understand."

Ted stared at the creature as it fought with Trizel and kept roaring. Something about it felt so familiar. He looked at its emaciated frame and grabbed the bowl of fried dough from Sid. He held up the bowl towards the creature and tried to hide his shaking knees as he said, "You look pretty hungry. We've got plenty of these back at our home if you want to come with us."

"HHuuuuuunnnn..." the creature let out a roar as it focused its empty eyes on Ted. It seemed to relax its fighting against Trizel, who let it go. Sentenza kept his gun trained on it, but respected Ted's wishes. The beast slowly approached Ted and with its long claws grabbed a single piece of dough and cautiously put it in its mouth. After a moment, a blue flame sprung up in both of its eye sockets, and it ravenously stuffed all of the balls into its mouth at once. It let out a groan of pleasure as it tilted its head up and chewed the mass of dough. With a big gulp it let out a contented sigh and then stared down at Ted. "Sssoooooorrrryyy," it croaked in a voice that sounded like a mix between honey and broken glass as it looked at his back.

Sentenza scowled as he put his gun away. "Dang it, Ted. You never let me have any fun."