The second I wake up, I realize the gravity of what I’d just done. I let the reality of the situation sink in. Last night was a mistake. A mistake and nothing else. Despite everything that went down in the last 24 hours, I still want to be friends with him. “Just friends” is good enough for me. Besides, I’ve always been into girls, ever since I came out of the womb. I can’t let myself lose control like that again. I swear I’ll be more cautious next time. As if the gods are putting me through a test, the first sound I hear when I arrive at school two days later is the sweet tunes of a piano. I follow the melody and end up face to face with Sander.
“Hey,” I say, suddenly shy. What if he doesn’t remember anything? We’d had a few drinks after all and I wasn’t the only one not thinking straight.
“Hi,” he looks up and smiles at me. He’s in a good mood, I can tell. He thinks that it meant something, but it didn’t. I don’t know how to break it to him. I don’t know how to explain to him that it was just a one-time thing, even after how magical it felt for the both of us. I let out a sigh of relief as Sander goes back to playing the piano. However, twenty seconds later he stops.
“I just can’t seem to get this part right,” he groans.
“Let me try.” I place my hands on top of his and attempt to play it for him. I hit a few wrong notes and quickly give up. It turns out I am not as talented as I thought because the keys sound even worse than a dying cat.
“I’m afraid I can’t help you,” I chuckle, a little embarrassed at my skill, or rather lack of it.
“At least you tried,” he holds in his laughter as best as he can, but that only causes his cheeks to puff up. There’s a brief moment of silence between us because we both don’t want to be the one to break the barrier. His eyes suddenly warp to a serious mode and he fixes his posture.
“About last Friday…” he starts.
“I think we should just forget about it,” I cut him off before I say something else that I may regret. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression. He seems disappointed; his eyes tell me he doesn’t understand.
“B-but… we... oh,” he stutters, unable to stop fidgeting on his stool.
“Sorry,” I mutter. “I’m just not like that. You know what I’m saying?” I cringe at my own words. A pang of guilt flashes in between my eyes and I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying him.
“Yeah, I understand,” his voice sounds resigned, and I don’t blame him.
“I still want us to be friends.”
“Yeah,” he says again, walking out the room and slamming the door behind him. The second I’m alone, my hands crash into my face and I burst into tears. Why am I such an idiot? He looks completely devastated, and it’s my fault. I’m the reason for this mess. Memories from the fight that landed me here come surging back. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m useless. My sobs accelerate as I dig myself deeper into my own misery. I cry and cry and cry until I have no more tears left. My chin is trembling and I fall to my knees. Tears stain my face and spill over the side of my eyes. My choppy breathing and watery eyes remain for quite some time, until I eventually gather myself and force them to stop. I manage to make it to the first period, although I get a few stares for being so late.
History class is even more boring than usual. I couldn’t care less about the pre-modern civilizations dating back from 1500 CE. What’s making it even more dreadful is that I can’t concentrate. My brain spirals between the events that played out just a few moments ago, replaying them in my head over and over again. I’ve been stuck on the same exercise for half an hour. My mind keeps wandering off. I can’t think about anything else but Sander. This boy will be the death of me. I don’t know how to control my feelings towards him. I can’t like him. I know I can’t. But what if I do? It feels like a supernatural force is possessing me. Like my heart is completely out of my control.
There’s just something so fascinating about Sander, so intriguing. Maybe it’s the way he perches his lips every time he sees me. Maybe it’s the way he strolls down the hallways confidently, like he’s the king of the world. He’s so different from me, and that’s what draws me in. I feel like I’m someone else when I’m with him. I’ve always felt this spark like I instantly connected with him, but I pushed it all to the back of my mind. Now that I’m thinking about it, he makes me… happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve never given much thought to my sexuality. I was raised to like girls and girls alone. The thought of liking a boy never crept up on me, until now.
“Earth to Nicolas.” A tall Cyrus intrudes into my field of vision. He flings his arms at me in an attempt to catch my attention, but this also catches the attention of everyone else.
“Class is over.”
“Oh, I guess I must have zoned out,” I respond while standing up and tucking my chair beneath my desk.
“I’ll see you at practice later,” he pats my shoulder before heading out.
For the rest of the day, I can only catch glimpses of Sander before he disappears from my sight. It’s frustrating, to say the least. I hadn’t intended for him to take it this harshly, but it serves me right. I messed it up. Sighing, I walk to the locker room to put on my cleats. The second I walk in, an atrocious stench hits me smack in the face. It smells like a combination of five-day-old sweat and clothing that hasn't been washed for a year. I gag and throw a coughing fit before sprinting out of there.
“Wait up!” a guy runs to me, almost knocking us both over as his body smashes against mine. This must be the infamous Kaiden. His jet-black hair is swept to the right of his face and he has a really, really deep voice. Not to mention he has broad shoulders the size of the hulk.
“Be careful with who you’re around,” he warns me before vanishing. I’m about to chase after him but Juliano appears and blocks the exit with his perspiring body. I try to forget about his words but they gyrate in the back of my mind, leaving me uneasy. What does he mean? Why should I be careful? Who is he talking about? My stomach twists into a knot and I focus my attention on the sound of my cousin’s voice to distract my intrusive thoughts.
“Alright, let’s do drills. Cyrus and I. Peyton and Josh. Marvin and Ollie. Kit and Daniel. Nicolas and Sander,” Juliano announces. Of course, I’m with Sander. He’s been purposefully avoiding me but now we’re stuck together. Now he must face me, and I will make the best out of this opportunity. He crosses his arms and scoffs when we head over to the corner of the field. I try not to let his frustration get to me, but he’s making it harder than it should be. I hate that he can’t even look me in the eye when he passes the ball to me. Seven perfect passes later, I’ve had enough. I stop the ball with the inside of my cleat and he finally meets my gaze. He shoots me a vexed look but I ignore it.
“So, this weekend everyone’s going to be heading home, which means the school will be empty,” I say.
“What do I care if the school is full or not? I go home every day. I’m a non-boarder, you know,” he rolls his eyes. This is going to be harder than I thought.
“What I mean is no one else will be here. Except for me, because my parents are too busy opening new sessions of parliament or whatever they do nowadays. I’m trying to say that I want you here with me. Just the two of us,” I declare.
“What happened ‘to we should forget about this?’” He looks unconvinced, but my words are getting to him because his face is no longer scrunched.
“I changed my mind. I miss your company, and I like spending time with you. I mean it.” The second the last words come out of my mouth, Sander bursts into a smile. It’s a genuine smile that I could tell he was hiding until the right moment. It’s a smile that confirms my decision. Who knows where this could go? Only time will tell, and I’m willing to take as much time as we need.
“I knew you’d come around,” he says confidently.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” I crack a grin too and pass the ball back to him.
For the next few days, my mind drifts to the weekend. On Friday, all of the parents arrive to attend a dinner party before picking up their children. Before heading downstairs, I dial the digits of my brother’s number. He picks up on the first ring, almost like he was waiting for me to call.
“My baby bro, hi!”
“Hey, Hector! I miss you. I wish you could’ve come today because I’m dreading the walk downstairs. I don’t want to go,” I whine.
“Come on boy, you can’t just stay in your room all day long. There are people who are excited to see you, even if the feeling is not reciprocated,” he chuckles knowing all too well how much my royal relatives get on my nerves.
“I know, but still. I’d rather lay in my comfy bed and roll around until I fall asleep. I’m not good at greeting people, and much less at maintaining a conversation with them.”
“Nico, it’s not that hard. You can pretend I’m with you. Plus, don’t you think it will look strange if you’re cocooned in your room all evening long?” he reasons with me.
“Ugh fine, but you better hope I don’t perish out of boredom,” I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me.
“That’s more like it. Now go out there and say hello to everyone for me. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Oh, about that. I actually decided to stay in school this weekend.”
“What? Why? What’s more important than me?” he jokes.
“J–Just to study. I need to catch up on my homework,” I make up an excuse on the spot but I can tell that it’s not very convincing because of the long pause in our conversation. When I think he’s left, he lets out an audible scoff.
“What?” I try not to laugh even though I know he doesn’t believe me.
“You’re telling me that my baby brother, Nico, is staying in school to do homework? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?”
“Well, I guess I just have lots of homework. I also kind of transferred here in the middle of the year so I may or may not be behind,” I unintentionally use my lying voice, which is a pitch higher than normal.
“Why are you staying in school?” his tone is suddenly serious.
“I already told you. To study.”
“Come on, do you seriously think I believe that?” I hear him scratching his head pensively.
“You’ve met someone,” he concludes. I almost gasp out loud because I can’t believe he just said that. I didn’t know my brother was a psychic. I’m suddenly thankful that he can’t see me because I’m blushing like a bright red tomato.