The swirl of dust spun in the air. A single stream of light shone through my blind as it left a golden glow on my pale head. The only visible color was the glow of light as everything else seemed desaturated and dark. Partially blinding me with a direct hit of light. Bright. White. Radiant. The pulsating glow of the sunlight was perpetuated by the silence of the street and absence of sound in the rest of my room. As I looked around while laying on the floor, I backed away from the light and grabbed my phone.
100 New Messages
10 Missed Calls
10 Voicemails
"You okay man?" Said one of the messages from Marc.
I chose to ignore it.
I looked at the ring on my hand, took it off and clasped my hand over it. Hugging it close to my body as if it were her.
It's been two weeks since then… Since she…
I rushed over toward my trash can and vomited, repulsed at the thought of Emma and the smell of my vomit, I felt my stomach turn. Curling like a twisty pretzel.
I vomited again.
Gross.
I looked at my shriveled wrists and my pile of throw up. It lacked substance. It lacked color. Everywhere I looked was black and white. A world that was only a shadow– a memory of its former self.
The world that used to have Emma.
I checked my phone again and saw it was time for me to get ready.
Time for me to go to graduation.
I looked at the cap and gown on my bed. It must have been folded by my mom, because I haven't left my room.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
It certainly has.
When was the last time I left my room?
When you got the news.
Right… I ran to the hospital and yelled at the doctor.
Yes… you certainly did.
I laid on the floor staring at my graduation uniform for around ten minutes before I heard a knock at my door.
"Hello?"
"Mmm."
"Can I come in?"
It was Marc.
"Mmm."
He slowly crept open the door and he saw me. Laying on the floor in dirty clothes with hollowed eyes and dark circles. In a ball of self-pity and despair. He gagged at the smell.
"Jesus Christ man. Are you eating?"
"No."
"Well, that explains that."
He was referring to my weight. I was dehydrated and starving. My skin clung to my bones like there was nothing to separate them.
"Let's get you changed man…"
He helped me up and let me use his shoulder as a rest to hold myself up while he took off my shirt. You could see the difference in my body since the last two weeks. My ribs stuck out and my skin was dry.
"Up."
I raised my arms as he dropped the gown over my body. It barely fits anymore. I laughed a little and felt an intense sharp pain in my stomach. I winced and grabbed my abdomen.
"Easy, easy. How about you go shower and I'll make you something to eat."
"Okay…"
In the shower, I mainly stood under the showerhead, letting the water hit my hair and rinse down my body. It was warm. The first warm sensation I felt since the last time I hugged her.
I scrubbed my body so hard that my skin hurt and then headed downstairs. With a towel wrapped around my waist and head, I saw Marc sitting at the table eating, while waiting for me. He had set a plate for me. Eggs and sausage.
"An adult breakfast, for the day we become adults."
"Adults, huh…"
I remember biting down on the food and feeling a sense of disgust. I knew none of the ingredients were bad, but I couldn't stomach the food. I ended up forcing it down my throat. It was bland. Everything tasted like my throw up.
I hate this.
On the car ride to graduation, I remember getting a tight feeling in my chest. When we arrived, it was a little late, so I didn't get seated with my class and had to take a seat in the back. To open, the principal gave a speech about how we will move on with our lives, and everything we have experienced in high school will help us in the future.
What a load of shit.
Next, Mr. Smith was called to give the speech as he was the staff pick.
"Hello everyone. I know that this day comes with much joy to us as people. As Students, you are going to be taking your next step forward in life. And as adults, you're going to take one big fucking leap into an endless ocean. Our job here at school is to teach you how to swim so that you never have to know what it's like at the bottom of that ocean. But… When times become tough, it is inevitable that you will slowly lose your balance, and fall. Down to the depths of depression and grief. For some of you, you may already be there. For most, you have yet to face that challenge. I am put here with the responsibility of giving you one good final goodbye. A 'see ya' that is supposed to impact you for the rest of your lives. And while I could go the easy way, say a bunch of things you've heard a million times and end it off with some cheesy quote, I'm going to keep this short. In under five minutes, I am going to tell you exactly what is ahead of you in life. For most, you will be continuing on into your career, pursuing higher education in a university. For many, you will move forward into the workforce and become a cog in the economy, helping bolster our nation's success. But for some, you are stuck. You have made a choice but have made no action. You plan to do things, but some way along the line, you stopped being able to do them. Maybe you aren't with that person that you planned to be with. Maybe that person isn't around to be with you. Whatever it may be, I'm here to say that life will continue. Life will move on. You either get on the train, or you get out of the damn way. When you're an adult, you have no one to blame but yourself. It is not our fault that you ended up failing. It is not our fault that you ended up in a different place than planned. So, whatever it is you do with your future… make sure you don't regret it. Make sure you keep your head high, and your smile bright. Smile through the pain. Smile through the happiness. Project what you want to be reality and see it come to fruition. Life will move on. Recently… two weeks ago… I lost a student. During surgery, my student Emma Jones at age 18 died due to lack of care from her surgeon. It hit me and the rest of the school community hard– as I'm sure it hit most of your children hard too, parents. It caused a reaction. Rather than mourning and wasting time, students rallied together, they grouped up and created a charity. Emma's Angels. It is a charity to help support people who suffered from the same disease as her and help bring relief to the families who have to pay for such an expensive disease. Those students made a change. They saw a tragedy and were able to make something beautiful. They changed their future, and the future of many, many kids just like Emma. So, my last thing to say is not a statement– but a question. How do you feel about your future? And what are you going to do about it?"
The audience screamed. Claps and cheers chained threw the crowd like a ticking time bomb cutting down its fuse.
I looked around me as people rose up. Male and female. Children and elderly all stood alike as they cheered, and lights spun around the room.
Suddenly everything was colored again.
I could see the purple graduation gowns and the red caps upon everyone's head.
I could see the gold confetti raining from the air.
And I could feel the tears dripping from my face.
It hurt.
I felt my skin swelling as my tears rolled down my dry skin.
This was the first time I had cried in months. I hadn't cried when she died. Or any time before that. Not since last November.
So why now?
Why did Mr. Smith's words resonate so deeply with me?
I thought about it and was able to wrap my head around it.
Because you've grown.
That's right…
I'm now an adult.