Have you ever felt like someone was holding you? Like a hug from someone you couldn't see? Or the hand of someone you've lost. But this time, you could see them?
As I turned around at the funeral, I saw Emma standing over me. She glowed like an angel. She was radiant and translucent.
"Hey Nate."
"E-E-Emma…"
"You got some time?"
"I have to finish this service… then I can find us someplace private…"
"Okay."
She sat down next to me and placed her hand in my lap for me to hold and I clasped it with both hands.
She feels real!
As the service ended, they closed her casket and I gave my thanks and condolences and left the chapel.
"Okay Emma… where did you want to go?"
"Don't you remember? You just told everyone in the room where."
"The mountains…"
"You betcha."
We got in my car and I drove to the train station and bought a train ticket to take me into the mountains where I could get taken to a peak with a sitting area and bench that oversaw the cliff. At the cliff, I saw a beautiful swirl of colors in the sky, and the rugged black, brown, gray, and white mountains.
I sat on the bench and so did Emma. As nightfall came upon us, she started a conversation.
"Nate… have I ever told you why I fell for you?"
"No…"
"Nate… when I met you… at that party… in that bathroom… you saw me. You saw the raw me. You saw my sickness. You saw my ugly, gross, reality that I'd hidden from every single person around me."
She started to move toward me and pointed at a mountain in the distance.
"That mountain… It reminds me of you. It's tall. It's still and strong. It doesn't change. But… unlike the mountain, you do change. Little by little. Day by day. You've changed. You grew to care about others. You grew to care about yourself. You grew to care about me. You became someone that didn't run from affection but welcomed it with open arms. You were what I wanted to be. You were everything I wanted. And with every passing day… you became… smarter… funnier… cuter… you became even better. Something that over all those years I spent living... I never truly changed. I never got better. I was the same… always… I never changed."
"You're wrong!" I exclaimed and my voice cracked and eyes became glassy. "You're wrong! I'm… I'm not strong– I'm not smart… I'm nothing… I'm nothing… nothing without you."
"No Nate… you're not. You aren't nothing. You're something. You're everything! You're perfect! I… I– Nate… I don't have much time here… I want to use it to tell you my truth. What you said at the funeral… it wasn't the whole truth. It wasn't everything. It wasn't my entire story."
She walked in front of me and reached out a finger, placing her pointer directly on my forehead, and suddenly a flash of white overtook my eyes. I was inside of a domain. A place neither heaven nor hell. A land that wasn't earth or space. A wide skyscape of white and light.
"Nate. Follow me."
She grabbed my hand and walked forward with my hand as the surroundings melted into a painted background and I could see a little girl with blondish brown hair on a playground playing by herself.
"Emma is this…"
"It's me."
"Why are you showing me this?"
"I wanted to show you… we aren't that different. Just keep watching…"
We both fell silent and focused in on the little girl and suddenly she started to move as though it was a film.
Suddenly another little girl walked in from behind and crouched down next to Emma.
"Hey Emma! Wanna pway wid us? We need someone ewse fow tag?"
Little Emma's eyes lit up like a child on Christmas and she grabbed the other girl's hand.
"Yeah!!"
They both stood up and ran toward the large group of kids and the movement faded into a watercolor painting floating up in the air, suspended in the white.
"Emma…"
"This was the first time I played with my childhood friend, Veronica. I was 10. The same age as you were when your dad died."
"Why didn't anyone play with you?"
"I wasn't allowed. I wasn't allowed to do things that might overwork my heart. That's why I was building a sand castle while everyone else ran around and played games. I couldn't… and I think I was too afraid…"
"Emma…"
"The same way you were afraid to tell off your dad, was the same way I was terrified to tell my parents that I wanted to live my own life. At the time… you had just lost your dad… but I had just lost my own as well. He left that year… very early on. You had Marc. I had Roni."
She reached out her hand again, gesturing that we were going to make another journey.
In a few moments, the room had been repainted into the park near my elementary school. Again, Emma was sitting on the playground by herself, but this time, she was older. She was at least 12. As we watched this Emma play, I heard a few voices of kids in the background and was able to distinguish two of them.
"Carly! Let's go!"
"Okay Nicky!"
I saw myself reach out my hand to Carly and run off into the field with her. Hand in hand. Happy. Young.
"Emma…"
I looked at the young Emma again to see that she had a hand over her heart and had a longing look on her face.
"Nate, this was the first time I saw you. One day when I was 12, I saw a boy. He was sorta tall, but not unusually. He had longish hair. He was hanging out with a girl. When I looked at him, my heart beat got faster. That was the first time I saw you."
"Emma… why didn't you say anything?"
"Would it have mattered?"
"..."
"Nate, you loved her. You may not say it now anymore, but there's still a part of you that loves her."
"I…"
"Nate, I want you to be happy. Even after my death. The reason I brought you here. The reason I even showed up was for 3 reasons. I want to see you happy, I want to show you something, and finally, I want to tell you something."
"But Emma… I wish I knew…"
"There's no use spending time on missed opportunities. I'm almost done showing you everything. Come along."
She grabbed my hand again and pulled me forward into another painted room, this one being dark. In front of me was a 15 or 16 year old girl who was in the dark in her room curled up in a ball on the bed. She was crying softly. We watched her for a while before Emma looked at me and motioned me forward.
"Go on… talk to her."
I walked forward and sat down on Emma's bed in my usual spot and leaned over lifting the blanket she was under.
"Hey… what's wrong?"
"They all… they– they made fun of me for my disease!"
I felt my heart hurt a little and put my hand on her shoulder.
"Emma… it's okay. It doesn't matter who, or what, or how anyone makes fun of you. Soon… so very soon, you'll meet some amazing people. You'll meet an awkward girl who likes books and movies. You'll meet a silly guy who can't be serious for a single second. And before any of them, you'll meet a sarcastic asshole who uses any chance to see you. But that sarcastic asshole will actually turn out to be a big softy who cares about you so, so, so very much. While all three of these people may not seem very similar… They are all your best friends. And… they all love you. Especially the sarcastic asshole. He'll love you more than anything in the world. And you'll also love them all back. You'll also learn to love that sarcastic asshole. More than anything else."
"R-really?"
She wiped the tears from her face.
"Yeah… really."
I used my hand to hold her face, and wiped a tear from her eye with my thumb.
"Cheer up Emma Jones, life will only get better."
She looked at me and smiled, giving a big hug and then letting me walk toward the doorway where Emma was.
"Wait! Who are you?"
I thought for a moment, remembering everything that has happened between me and Emma over the last year and how she had known of me for years before our meeting.
"Call me Nick."
I said with a bright toothy smile.
No smirk.
No grin.
A wide, toothy, bright, white smile.
"Okay! Bye Nick!"
"Bye Emma!"
I walked back toward the door where Emma was standing, and I watched the last visit turn into a painting just like the two before did.
"Emma… I think I get why you're showing me this all."
"What did you come up with?"
"You wanted to show me you. The lonely, sad, angry, sorrowful you. I think you wanted me to see you as pathetic, as weak. You wanted me to know what was going on with you. I think I get it."
"You're close. You missed on the pathetic part though. My goal was to show you where I came from, and how I am who I am now."
"I'm sorry."
"What are you apologizing for?"
"For not telling you sooner."
"Not telling me what?"
"You're perfect. Flaws and all, they just make you more perfect. It doesn't matter how hard your past was to me, that doesn't make you any less perfect. That doesn't take away from your value. That doesn't make you less of a person to love."
"Do you believe that?"
I thought about the times Emma was there for me whenever my therapy didn't go well. All the times when she was my lifeline. All the times I told her story after story about myself. Me. About me. About myself.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Always ME!
I never tried to listen to her. I never tried to care.
I was a failure as a boyfriend. So this one time, I wanted to listen to her. I wanted to let her know exactly how I saw her.
Selfish?
Yeah.
Ignorant?
Yeah.
Presumptuous?
Incredibly.
But that didn't matter to me. I loved her.
I love her.
Flaws aside.
Disease aside.
Death aside.
It doesn't matter. I love her.
I love her disease. I love her sadness. I love her flaws. I love the fact that even after death, she still stays here. She still talks with me for some reason.
She wanted to show me this.
"Yeah. I believe it, because it's true. You're perfect. You're everything to love in this world."
"Heh."
"Emma… I've been thinking about this but I've finally come to a conclusion. A color. The color of you."
"Hmm? What would that be?"
"You're the color of light."
"Why light?"
"Because light contains every color. You're not some monochromatic person who can be described by just one shade like blue or green. You're complex. You're unique– abstract! You're everything there is to love about this world and everything to ever happen. You're everything. You're light."
"Heh. Well ain't that something."
I noticed my cheeks were starting to get wet and my eyes began to hurt.
"Is it okay Emma? Is it okay to cry?"
"Yeah. It's more than okay."
I started to sob uncontrollably, struggling to see or breathe.
"Hey! Smile will ya'?"
"But I…"
"Nate… after this last year… I'm so glad that it was you."
"What? What do you mean?"
"I'm so glad it was you that I fell in love with."
I felt my face get red as I continued to sob, trying to hold a smile.
I looked at her as she started to fade the same way Nick did back when he turned pink. It was slower, but she slowly had particles flaking off of her skin.
"You'll see me soon enough, so don't cut your life short. Live it to the fullest, and when you're done, I'll be up here waiting."
"E-Emma!! N-No! I… I don't want you to go!"
"I said smile, remember?"
She grabbed my face, the same way I grabbed hers, and wiped the tears from my eyes, pulling a smile on my cheeks.
"Emma… ever since I met you… you've been a ray of light. You've illuminated my life. You made every single moment worth it. You made every second so colorful and bright and meaningful."
"I'm glad…" She wiped a tear from her eye, "I'm glad I was able to be there for you."
She held out her hand and grabbed mine.
"Nate… promise me one thing."
"W-What?" I said emotionally.
"Promise me you'll live a happy life. And if I can be selfish enough to ask… please, don't forget about me. Go live. Go be happy. Don't cling onto my memory too much, but please. Don't forget me…"
"I… How can I be happy without you?"
"Find a way. Use your art. Find happiness."
"I… I'll try."
"Nate."
"Yeah?"
"Nate, whether on heaven or earth, in life or death, I will always love you."
I felt my eyes well up as I wrapped my arms around her.
"Emma Jones! I love you! I love you so much! I love you so much it hurts! Thank you! Thank you for loving me!"
I felt her start to float through my arms into the air, losing her physical form.
"Goodbye Nate– Nick."
"Goodbye Emma."
"I love you, Nick Nate James."
"I love you Emma Jones."
Together we moved toward each other and locked lips one final time as she dissolved into the air leaving only a bit of light.
"Goodbye, my lover."
[2 Months Later]