Badump.
Badump.
The sound of a heart beating.
A sound, which for me, never sounded normal.
I remember… going to the park. I had to have been in middle school. I saw a boy. He was sorta tall, but not unusually. He had longish hair. He was hanging out with a girl. When I looked at him, my heart beat got faster.
That was the first time I saw Nate.
* * *
"Okay Emma, we're gonna put you under okay?"
I look around me. Surgery gloves, doctors, nurses, surgeons. Around 15 people, standing around me.
I look up at the bright overhead light and start to get dizzy.
"Yeah, I'm ready."
They put a face mask over me and started to put me under anesthesia. I heard the scattered chaos of the surgery room as I fell asleep. One last beam of light slipped into my eye, and I was no longer in that room.
Okay.
So here I am.
I saw my body floating in the air. An endless spanning void of blue and white. Clouds from sky to ground– or the lack thereof.
"Hello?"
No response.
"Hello!"
No response.
I ran toward myself and grabbed my shoulder.
"Hey! Why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
I turned around and it was my own face.
She was looking down at me.
"Why are you here?"
I looked at my hands and my body and noticed I was no longer myself.
I was a child.
I was me.
But I was a child.
And I was crying.
My cheeks were wet, and I was crying.
"Why are you crying?"
She put her hand on my face.
"I- I don't know."
I noticed my voice was higher. I really was a child.
"Are you okay?"
"I think I am."
"Oh… okay."
"Hey me."
"Hm?"
"How's life for you?"
"It's great. You're gonna meet this really good guy when you grow up. His name is Nate. He's been there for me, all the way until now."
"Nate…"
It seemed that she was me. For some reason, I only had the memories of a child. I no longer remembered anything about highschool.
Or about Nate.
"Hey Older me."
"Yeah?"
"Can you give me a hug?"
"Yeah…"
With that hug, I became me again. Not young. Not old. Me. 18 year old me. I was whole. I had my body. I had my memories. But, I still didn't know a few things.
Where am I?
Where am I going?
Why am I here?
Story.
"You must tell your story."
"Before it is too late."
The words I once heard in a movie echoed in my head.
Tell my story…
I must tell my story before it is too late.
Then I shall give this last match, all I have.
When I was younger… I remember feeling… excluded. I felt as though I was an outsider. I was pretty, and boys liked how I looked, but no boy ever liked me for me. They never took the time to learn about me. About who I am. Coming into highschool, I thought things might be different, but they weren't. For three miserable years, I dragged myself through life. Hoping someone would look beyond my superficial qualities and look at my soul. The things that mattered, at least to me, were very little. There was close to nothing– nothing that I valued. I felt so low.
Like I had reached a bottom point.
I always thought that until death, there would be some point where it was too hard to live and it would bottom out— that I could no longer keep falling.
I was wrong.
I fell.
And I fell.
And I fell.
And one day, I was invited by a friend to go to a party.
I thought, "Hey, why not?"
I prepared a bag of my medications, my phone, and a nice set of clothes to wear. I grabbed a white dress. Thin but not see through– small but not slutty. It was loose but still flowed. It made me feel pretty.
I always wanted to feel pretty.
At the party… I didn't… fit in. I tended to grab a drink and stand toward the wall. It seemed as though everyone's eyes floated past me, as though I no longer existed.
I liked that feeling.
The feeling of being a ghost.
Being unseen in a room full of people.
I felt like I could run laps naked and no one would notice a thing.
But then, my heart hurt. My chest had started to squeeze.
I needed to take my meds. I rushed up the stairs into the bathroom, not even closing the door behind me. Inside, I remember, after only about a minute, I heard someone creep open the door and there I saw him. Nate.
That one mistake…
That one moment…
That one three minute conversation…
That boy changed my life forever.
If it weren't for Nate… I doubt I'd be here today.
I wouldn't be the same person.
I might not even have been alive.
So…
Nate, I know you can't hear this because it's all in my head, but I just wanted to say… Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for being my lover.
Thank you for being there when I didn't have anyone else.
Thank you for being there when I was left alone and sad.
Thank you for being there at my highest and my lowest.
Thank you for holding my hand to comfort me.
Thank you for staying the night when it was too hard to sleep.
Thank you for kissing me.
Thank you for living.
Thank you for coming to that party.
Thank you for every single thing you've ever done for me.
Thank you for falling in love with me.
Thank you for fulfilling my stupid wishes.
Thank you for not leaving me.
Thank you for not judging me.
Thank you for not calling me out on my crap.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you for being you!
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
Badump.
"We need defibrillators, we're losing her!"
A swarm of sounds.
Scalpels and rollers.
Doctors and nurses.
Surgeons.
The commotion of a hospital.
And then… there was silence…
No color.
No sound.
Silence.
[2 Weeks Later]
' * * * '