The fire was ablaze in my home anyway. As I neared the entryway of the Honden, I could see the warm glow against the stone walls, leaking into the darkness of the forest. My feet ached, the long path through the mountain into the village burned holes through the soles of the them, and I stumbled into the room as I stepped ungracefully out of my geta. The aroma of tea travelled through the still air like fingers reaching for me, and tangled around me in a desire I had been oblivious to.
"Welcome home. I hardly recognize you." Mori lay relaxed, arranged around the fire neatly, the way a cat would tuck in all appendages. Her kimono was smoothed over her knees with care, but the cross closure was in disarray, tied with little concern for her decency. I sat with her, across the fire from her, allowing myself room to extend my legs as I leaned back to rest on an elbow. I felt the familiar sensation of my body melting into the floor, and I knew it was only a matter of time before my mind would become devoid of thought as well.
She took the up the tea pot and poured for me, passing the cup into my hand with a lingering touch on my fingers. I watched her hands as they nimbly danced to prepare the offering for me, how accurately each step was performed. I could tell she was offering something much more than tea to me. "The old man who sells tea offered me an Okiya." I tilted my head as I found her eyes, letting the weight of my hair over my shoulders guide my languid movements. I held the tea cup up to her in a silent cheer.
"How could he have such power?"
"He told me the village is named Miyako. He has deep roots there. Somehow, he knows many things about me that I have not spoken about for many seasons. I suppose it's the luck of living alongside two Kitsune."
"You have no luck, Seishin."
"How often you say my name." Silence settled over us like a net cast into the sea above our heads. We drained one cup, we replenished, we drained again. A slow motion sort of relaxation washed over me, crashing in like a wave breaking on the shore of my subconscious mind. I didn't want to think past the moment I found myself in, but the vision of her in front of me forced me to contemplate what my life had become. "Will you come with me to Miyako?"
"Yes." No hesitation. She knew what played over in mind, she could see it through my eyes even across the fire, that I was picturing some calm and enchanting life I could make for myself. She needed no contemplation, she had nothing to leave behind, her shrine damage, and my broken promise to rejuvenate it melting into the ground with the last of the snow. "I think that life without you would be unbearable now."
She could evoke feeling in me that I had never experienced. She could so effortlessly with words alone extract a genuine smile from me. I could so easily forget that she was a demon masquerading like a spirit, so easily see her as human, forget that she had lived hundreds of years before me. "I think the same."
"Has Sugai not ever spoken such words to you before?"
"Sugai and I love differently than you and I do." With desperation and without. With tenderness and on the edge of hatred. I had never expected to use the word so freely.
"You haven't told him. You haven't told him that you wish for me to stay with you or that you now want to go to Miyako."
I felt a familiar pull in my mind, and I closed my eyes. I could feel her presence lift from me like rising steam from the onsen, floating higher until my vision was clear. I gathered what strength remained in me, pressed my knees into the floor, and crawled toward her. As I encroached, I felt the atmosphere of her warmth begin to surround me, and I worked to untie my obi as gracefully as I could with one hand. She reached for me, welcoming me, letting her fingers crawl through my hair to use as leverage to encourage me. She allowed me to lay her gently to the floor, as I eased her with a trusting hand on the back of her head, and I placed the obi over her eyes. Slowly, I released myself from her grasp and took up my tea cup once more. She remained where I had placed her, in defeat, understanding. "Is it validation you seek in my head? You have it. You don't need to read my mind to find it. Stay out of my head."
My eyes fluttered open at the sudden warmth of something pressed to my lips, and I hadn't realized I had slept. My mind was calm, the ocean at rest, the demons quiet for now. The image of Sugai slowly cleared in my vision, the blur of sleep easing as his face was revealed. He lowered himself close to me, touching, and I felt his relaxed energy vibrate against my skin. "Where did you go?"
"Hunting."
"I decided." I was resolute in my words, steady, and I could feel his body grow tense against me. I wondered if I had put anticipation in him, if it was the first time he had ever felt excitement. "The old man at the tea shop told me to live in the village. He offered me an Okiya to train Maiko. That is where I want to live the rest of my life. I want to grow old like him."
"And her?"
"Her as well. You and I, and her."
"I could just finish you right now."
A genuine laugh, although small like a whisper, escaped me. Despite having remembered what it was like to smile since visiting the mountains, burning what was left of me in Edo, a laugh had eluded me still. I asked myself silently what there was to feel about it, if laughing meant that happiness was an emotion I could count having had experienced, what was left to feel? "That is what I desire."
"I was not taking last requests, I was just asking for more time." The moment between us was quiet, drawn out, as we simply existed with each other, no threats, no anger, no bitterness. I recalled in Edo how hungry we both had been, how eager to hide, and how easy it was to feel like every exchange was a sin delivered in darkness where the watchful eye of all our Gods had lost track of us. We were lost now. The mountains, though closer to the Gods than I had ever been, shielded my soul from their wrath, and the forest had insulated my heart.
"So you have a choice then. Not much of one. Give me what I ask for, or end my life tonight before the sun rises." I was not careful with my words, and I offered much opportunity in what I spoke of, but I trusted that the night held us more closely than to give him room to take advantage.
I had always watched my life before me in patterns of feathers, flowers, beautiful things that stirred my soul in a moment of passion. In that moment it differed to me, as I could no longer forget. Colours of every shade, every highlight painted the skies in the reflections of the water, collected in puddles, just like in Edo, but in the mountains the skies were more clear. I found my definition of beauty shifting, redefining itself without my will or consent, and I felt apprehension at the thought of plucking myself from my quiet existence in the mountains and inserting myself back into that life of mistaken glamour. I had slept, I had been calm, I had relaxed, and soon I would depart from my aperture.
The old man looked more affected by the weather every visit. As I approached the tea stall, I could see from far away that his eyes carried more shadow, his cheeks were more sunken, and his hair was more grey. Only a few days had passed since we sat together to drink tea, and yet his appearance took on a year of experiences. He was always elated to see me, his face expressed his happiness well, a different sort of happiness than I was used to seeing on men's faces when they looked at me.
"Hiroyuki-san, I would like to accept your offer." I spent no time with formalities, as I felt he didn't have enough left to listen to them. I delivered the purpose of my visit swiftly, and as elated as his face had expressed with the mere sight of me, my words gave him more.
His hand clapped over his heart on his chest, and he hurriedly exited the stall to stand with me in the street. His smile was the most genuine smile I felt I had ever been given in my life, and though I could count the number of smiles my eyes had seen on one hand, his was the brightest in my mind. He waved his hand, bidding me to follow him as he began his trudge into the crowd. "Come, come! Let me show you the teahouse. You must meet the ladies of the Okiya." I watched him as he walked his crooked and slow paces, giving him a head start, but he turned to me and stopped in his tracks, his eyes I could see burning through me. People passed on both sides of him, he parted them without will or want so easily. "First, a new kimono. One meant for a fine man."